Families of SOs Community Group
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Last year, my world fell apart when my husband was arrested for indecent pictures of children. I had no idea he had a secret life. I can't even begin to describe the fall out from his deception but needless to say we were both quite suicidal. As I began to uncover the layers of lies and deception, I learnt who my husband really was. God was with me the whole time and urged me to forgive 70 times 7. There was always more to forgive. My heart has been broken but Jesus is healing it. We have both turned our lives over to Christ and our Father provides the love that we both need in abundance and has transformed our marriage.
It's taken a long time for my husband to trust me with everything, the pictures; the affairs; the depression; the serious porn addiction. It's been hell trying to get him to confess and many times I though my marriage was over but at the last hour, God always came through and helped him open up to me.
I am no longer ashamed of my husband, not even a little bit. Many people will never understand that statement and I've been accused of being involved "oh she must have something to hide herself" etc comments. I do not have anything to hide. I am innocent and I love my husband. I see how a person's life is ruined by abuse as a child and how they build up a 'safety-nest' of lies and addiction around themselves as a result of the trauma.
Jesus has transformed our lives. We keep our eyes on Him. He sees that we are both changed people. I see now how I disrespected my husband and emasculated him by bossing him around. I see how we struggled to cope with the birth of another child with disabilities. It was a nightmare but rather than leaning on God for love and energy, I found solace in alcohol and drugs and he in other women and porn. Our jobs were too busy, too intense, too stressful. There was no time for us, we lost each other.
Today we both no longer work, we have time for each other, we have time for God. We are both excited about the future and the plans He has for us. Yes we are going through the legal system and have been ostracised by many people but this will all add to the testimony of the glory of God. He has given us a miracle as we are more in love now than we ever were even at the beginning of our relationship when we met.
I was a very lost woman when I came on here and I couldn't understand why I still loved my husband. My family told me to never speak to him again, nor let him see his children. Today all those haters are gone from my life and I am free. This board gave me hope and told me it was ok to speak to my husband, it was ok to have contact with him, it was ok to love him... Rewdiazepam answered many messages from me and helped keep my eye on God and not on society. I always remember he said "your husband needs you". He really did. I saved my husband's life from suicide and I am so glad I did. I can never thank you enough Rew.
I sit here today as a testimony that anyone going through this is not lose hope. God works in mysterious ways and your situation might be Him bringing about everything you need and ever wanted in your life but it's still too early to see or understand what's going on. Don't lose hope.
Please message me if you feel you need to or want to be friends.
Love,
Tabby
There will come a point in this lonely road where we become very weary. It is at that time that we have to look to a power greater than ourselves to cling to and enable us to endure. I think at some time or another everyone in these situations gets so beaten down that faith in a Higher Power or in something is necessary.
Whether you are a believer and your faith is in Jesus Christ or Allah or any Higher Power, all of us are mortal human beings who hurt at times.
I have had several mothers and wives of offenders over the years tell me that their emotions became so intense that they just had to leave some of their problems at the foot of their Higher Power.
Tabby was very stressed and her emotions were running out of control. She was just about at the end of her rope when she allowed her Higher Power to lift some of the burden. Tabby is a very courageous young lady and did most of this herself, God Bless her. I only encouraged her to practice her faith.
rewdiazepam
Rew, thank you so much for your help and wisdom! After reading your posts and messages, I knew we actually do have a chance at a fairly normal life. I was so discouraged a week ago when I happened on this site, but now my faith is stronger than ever. Being a SO is NOT the end of the world. We will get through this with God's help and each other. Thank you for being an advocate Rew!! Laws are slowly changing and there is hope on the horizon
I am so happy to read your words, I know it's been a few weeks since we've spoken and things were rough. I still continually pray for you, but feel so relieved that you have find yourselves in such a peaceful and positive place!
Xoxo...keep strong in your faith!
I love my husband very much, he is my best friend, my family and the love of my life, but I honestly don`t know how we can get through this. We`ve been together for 4 years, and he spent a quarter of this time in a federal prison for violating his probation with criminal activity... exactly the same one that got him in this mess in the first place. He was originally caught peeping at a public place, which on its own is a misdemeanor, but police had also found a deleted zip file on his old computer with child porn. That`s what put him on the registry, even though prosecutor could not even prove the fact that these images were ever even "open"... Regardless, the fact of possession was proven, and I am not trying to justify any of it. When we started dating he told me about his past (not right away of course, but he did) so I knew what I was signing up for... But I believed in him, I still know he is a good person. We have a great marriage... Honestly, we sincerely love each other and are happy being together, even now, even through this... I still light up every time he calls me from prison, and no one can cheer me up or make me smile the way he does:) but the fact is he was caught peeping again, and he betrayed our family.
I mean he didn`t just relapse out of blue, I know where it came from... Long story short, he was cornered. People he worked for took advantage of him financially, knowing perfectly well he couldn`t get away from them because a) we were renting from them (and I`m sure everyone here knows what a fun adventure it is to find a place to live for an SO), b) our only vehicle was through he company. I couldnt legally work because I was in school on a student visa ( I am an immigrant by the way).
So it was this vicious circle of not having enough money to get away from these people, and not having money to live because we cant get away from this people. All of the insecurities from the abusive childhood surfaced up, continuous public humiliation by bosses for being company`s charity case, tremendous pressure on him taking care of our family while being the only source of income...
The final straw was the fact that my visa expired and I had to leave the country for what then was two years. He obviously couldn`t come with me. It was heart breaking for both of us, and he broke. I could probably pinpoint the day it happened looking back, but I honestly didn`t want to believe he would do that to our family. Fortunately, I managed to get in grad school and was back to the country within 4 months on a new student visa. I was back, and it was great but... didnt feel right, Sure enough all the hell breaks loose a few months afterwards. I`m talking real witch hunt... News papers, articles, even news channel at our doorsteps (who then proceeded going door to door to every single neighbor), he even got an entire 30-minute segment on local TV! IT. WAS. HELL. The whole thing resolved in a sentence that was 3 times of the max time in prison we were expecting for violation of probation.
He will be back in a month. It was easy to be there for him when I knew I was all he had, and I couldnt leave him. I still don`t want to leave him, but I also don`t know how to make it work. How to believe again? How not to resent?How to trust? How to have/raise a family without trust? How can I even consider having a family knowing that Daddy won`t be there for Halloween, or there at all depending on the regulations... I`ve never been more excited and sad at the same time. I know, with him coming back it`ll be even more complicated both emotionally and practically. I thought I`d figure everything out by now, and figure the 'life" out by the time he gets out but I`m no closer to having an answer than I was a year ago.
You said, “This is exactly what I find myself struggling with... Faith... I will honestly admit it I am not a believer, that being sad I am happy for people who can find a relief and support in having that.”
Faith is not confined to religious faith or a belief in a Higher Power. When I was in prison, many inmates who were not religious at all had “faith” in themselves that they could get through their prison term, even though the pod I was on was especially violent and filled with violent inmates.
.
You said, “My personal goal is to start with "finding faith" in my husband again. How DO you make your relationship work?”
You find faith in your husband from knowing that, regardless of his crime, he is a loving and decent person. You even said yourself that he was a good person. At some point, you have to believe---and have faith--- that he can be helped with therapy, his problem will be treated, and the man you love so well will be made whole again.
Ichooselove, I have dealt with offenders, many of them sex offenders, for over 20 years. I have been on these forums for a long time and everyone knows I spent almost a decade in prison for a sex crime I did not commit.
After my release from prison, I began helping and supporting offenders---even sex offenders----and their families to help them get through the same tough situation I had to face. Families were scared to death whenever a loved one faced charges or the possibility of going to prison; it literally petrified them with fear. I felt as a person, I needed to lend support to these folks.
I lived, ate, and talked to many offenders while in prison, and some were sex offenders. Most sex offenders are not the type of bad people portrayed by society. Most are people who, for the time being are broken human beings and lost souls, but they can be repaired.
Some of the guys I was in prison with were truly evil people; unlike most sex offenders, these guys can never be fixed. When you serve time with offenders who have murdered several people, stabbed women, and hung a wife upside down from a tree, leaving her to die, you learn the difference between pure evil and someone who is just broken. I LIVED among these guys and I know what evil is. One of the first guys I had as a cellmate shot three teens in the back of the head, stripped their bodies, put them in the trunk of a car and set the car on fire as the result of a drug deal gone bad.
I mention this b/c I understand offenders, how they think, who is most likely to reoffend, and who can be helped with therapy.
The majority of offenders who offend sexually are not inherently bad human beings. They are not in the category of some of the offenders I served time with in prison. They can be treated and, if broken, restored.
Most are good guys, hard workers, decent husbands who love their families; but have made a terrible mistake in judgment. Unless a guy is a serial, violent rapist, beats women then sexually assaults them, a serial child molester, or some type of monster, he can be helped.
Your husband does not appear to be an evil human being, but one who has issues that need to be addressed. There is a huge difference.
The victims rights groups will try to tell you that all sex offenders are monsters. Many of the victims have been harmed in life and they have difficulty being objective and seeing some of these crimes for what they are. Most sex offenders are broken people but they are not evil to the point that they cannot be treated and helped with therapy.
You asked, “How DO you make your relationship work?”
You make the relationship work by realizing that the entirety of a person cannot be judged by a few mistakes. We are all flawed human beings; I am, you are, and everyone on this forum is.
There is so much good in the worst of us and so much bad in the best of us that sometimes it is difficult to determine who is and is not broken. I try to believe in people. A psychologist I know well always tells me, “There are really no bad people; only bad behaviors.” There are exceptions----the Charles Mansons, the Timothy McVeys, and the guys I described from prison. But the majority of people are just flawed human beings who make mistakes.
You asked, “How do you trust your partner again?”
The trust has been broken, and he will have to work to rebuild that trust, but that is not impossible. Most of all it will take time. Time will be needed to heal the wounds he left when he offended and betrayed his family. The trust will not be regained overnight, but must be worked on daily.
You asked, “How do you let go and forgive all the lies and betrayal?”
Forgiveness is difficult and it may not come all at once. You have every right to be leery about his actions and worry that he may offend again, but if you want your relationship to survive, you must forgive him. Forgiveness does not mean to forget what he has done, and. forgiveness does not mean it is OK what he did or OK for him to do it again. Forgiveness, to me, is wiping the slate clean so you can move on with this relationship. Forgiveness to me, is much like when an inmate is pardoned for his crime.
You said, “He was originally caught peeping at a public place, which on its own is a misdemeanor, but police had also found a deleted zip file on his old computer with child porn. That`s what put him on the registry, even though prosecutor could not even prove the fact that these images were ever even "open".”
Often, we need to put these things in perspective. Peeping at a public place is just stupid, but it is also illegal. Having CP is rather stupid, but it is also a non-violent crime. Both these offenses are taboo and have an “ick factor” but they are hardly major crimes. They are crimes of stupidity rather than crimes as a result of a person being evil.
You said, “But I believed in him, I still know he is a good person. We have a great marriage... Honestly, we sincerely love each other and are happy being together, even now, even through this... I still light up every time he calls me from prison, and no one can cheer me up or make me smile the way he does:) but the fact is he was caught peeping again, and he betrayed our family.”
In that paragraph, you said all you need to say to give this man another chance. He makes you happy---and you love him.
You still love this man, but yes, his reoffending was a major betrayal on his part toward you and the family. He failed in a sense and that failure has hurt you dearly. He needs to know and understand that. Part of getting well is accepting responsibility for what he has done and understanding the collateral damage it has caused.
You said, “I mean he didn`t just relapse out of blue, I know where it came from... Long story short, he was cornered. People he worked for took advantage of him financially, knowing perfectly well he couldn`t get away from them because a) we were renting from them (and I`m sure everyone here knows what a fun adventure it is to find a place to live for an SO), b) our only vehicle was through he company. I couldnt legally work because I was in school on a student visa ( I am an immigrant by the way).”
I have no training in the field of forensic psychology, but I do have a lady friend who does work in this field. She has often said that offenders, and particularly sex offenders, reoffend when they are stressed; there are certain stressors that make it easier to offend. Apparently, the situation you described in the preceding paragraph was a stressor to him. Hell, I think the situation you described would be a stressor for ANYONE.
There is no assurance that your husband will respond to therapy---nothing in life is a sure thing except death---- but one thing I know for sure is that the type of offender he appears to be is often greatly helped by the right kind of therapy.
God bless you,
rewdiazepam
I've been struggling a lot lately with everything. I found out my husband had an affair which hurt soooo bad. So I'm in more pain than ever. I do forgive him but I feel hate now for everything he's done to ruin our lives. It hurts so much that my family have cut me off and think I'm mad or brainwashed by 'staying' with him. He doesn't live with us anymore but we see each other daily.
I think dealing with these life changing situations comes in waves. Sometimes I feel happy but when we step out of our bubble - it's hell again. It is a rollercoaster! I've thought about getting off but I'm praying it's just a rough spot which will ease.
My husband has been a serial secret videor, So it wasn't one or two stupid mistakes but many. Now the affair has crushed me. I had absolutely no idea. I don't think I will ever trust him again. I can only bear to see him for a few hours a day but even that's a struggle at the moment. I can hardly look at him.
I think what is making everything worse is everyone else's views on him and me, their judgement and condemnation is stifling.
Sorry that this is such a negative post especially after my upbeat previous post. It is true the only thing keeping me going is my faith right now. The path does get weary for sure. I wanted to share the good, bad and ugly as it's more realistic, helpful and insightful for others. We are 6 months into this ordeal with looming prison sentence approaching.