I applaud you Westdenali! A SO support group is a wonderful idea. You can lookup Texas Voices as they have suppry groups for registrants and their families.

As far what was the hardest part for me was - I would say it would be the beginning when we were navigating through the courts. It's still hard, but I don't have the stress over the legal system to deal with too.

good for you westdenali!!!! way to go!!!

i also think the beginning is the roughest. someone new to all of this has NO freaking idea of what to do or where to go for help. ESPECIALLY if they are not financially set up to hire a good lawyer. when i was calling around for a lawyer that had experience in dealing with sex offense cases the going price i was often quoted was $50k, paid up front, to begin with. i can't tell you how often i choked on my tongue!

to see and know that a loved one, especially a son or daughter get shafted by the system because you can't afford to hire a lawyer is devastating! to tell you the truth, i would have been willing to sell a kidney or something to get that money!

I think one part is to help the Homeless Sex Offender. Most of the homeless shelters do not allow or deny a sex offender from staying even in the MENS shelter. I have also found that federal agaencies turn their backs on SO too. Those such as HUD and other Federal help. When anyone goes to courts or other organzations and mentions sex offenses they start red taping any actions.

I also know that some homeless housing will turn away sex offenders and give some bullshit about not having money for the person but if a drug convicted person shows up they get help

I am with you EchoMoon. The hardest part is right from the beginning for someone who has no clue what is going on, and where to turn for answers. Right now we are in hock up to our eyebrows with our son's defense.

Something that's been hard for me is not having another wife/girlfriend of an SO to spend face time with. My family lives a few hours away and they know that I'm involved with a prisoner, but I haven't told them that he's an SO. I have a girlfriend in town who knows that I go to visit my guy in prison, but I know she'd freak if I told her that he's an SO. My former counselor knows about him, but she got promoted by the hospital from counseling to another position that's really needed, and because I'm "between jobs" as they say, I don't have the benefit of another counselor until I get another job.So, please do what you can to promote support for folks who don't have anyone to talk to.

In the beginning, none of us knew what to do or to expect. Some have been through the system regarding sex offenses, some here are still going through the process, and some are just starting.

How would anyone on this board who is new to this situation know what to do or what is going on? The members of this board are not hardened, career criminals who know how to navigate the criminal justice system. Instead, they are everyday folk who have somehow been swept up into this mess we all know as the sex offender registry.

There are no books or self-help programs to teach someone how to cope with the everyday emotions that come with these situations.

This support board is an excellent board because we have so many people in different stages of the process willing to help each other. We have mothers, wives, girlfriends, registrants, ex-inmates who all contribute to the wisdom of this board---and I think we do a pretty damn good job of it.

And we learn from each other.

I welcome anyone and everyone here to ask questions if you are not sure about something. Send a message or ask on the public board. The only stupid question is the one never asked. If you never ask, you never learn.

Not only advice on how to cope, but this board is a good place for information. Many of the member can provide a link to just about any subject regarding sex offenders in a matter of a few minutes.

Most importantly, this board is a SAFE place where a person can talk or post and never have to worry about being judged or ridiculed. We all understand; if we don't, we don't need to be here.

I think we have the best sex offender support board on the Internet, but maybe I am biased.

rewdiazepam

I've needed to connect with someone personally that has a SO loved one too. I was lucky and found some and we occasionally get together. That was the best thing I could have besides this group.

I hope to start a group in my area someday...

the one point and best advice that has been hammered and hammered over and over on this board by countless people has been to NOT talk to any LO when they come to see you. being truthful and up front gets you NO WHERE!!! being truthful and up front about a situation can get you thrown in prison for years and years.

how many of us found this board or came here for help or to learn before we were all in the mess? how many even thought about looking for a board like this? i bet there's not one single person.... and that is a huge problem. actually that is the problem. we weren't here to get advice or learn to NOT talk to anyone without or before getting a lawyer. and by the time anyone does any looking or research for help or a board like this and learns NOT to speak before getting a lawyer it's already to damn late and the shit has hit the fan.

being guilty by choice, by accident or truly innocent is not going to matter because what you say or do before you get a lawyer, can and will get twisted and used against you.

so many of us from a very, very young age have been taught and conditioned that we are to trust LE and that if we are innocent that we wont have anything to worry about. that being innocent or truthful will win for us in the end. that it will help us.

as it's going now, with all the media hype going on with the bad cops, in a way is helping but only a small bit. much more help is needed.

how can we or what's to be done to inform people? how to get the word out that it's NOT in your best interest to trust, talk and be truthful? how is it to be done to drum it into people's heads to NOT say a freaking word about anything without first getting a lawyer?

but now in some states, now it's gotten to the point that if someone thinks they have a problem, are fighting against a problem pertaining to anything sexual and someone underage? hell even if it's not you and your trying to find help for someone you know and may love it has the potential of opening a world of hurt. they are gonna get nailed if they try to find help.

Yeah, I agree that there needs to be some sort of a DMZ for people who are looking for help.

DMZ = De Militarized Zone, a term I picked from the Vietnam era that seems to fit again these days.

Great idea, October. A DMZ. A safe zone where no one can harm you.

For me, the worst part was right at the beginning. I tried to go back to work but I just couldn't do it. I was truly shell-shocked. I spent weeks after that reading everything I could trying to understand what the heck we had been thrown in to. It is incredibly scary.

And it continues to be.... No doubt, your life is changed forever. What other problems you may have had before are simply run over by this mass of ignorant hatred called the sex offender registry.

We do need to support each other, but most people are truly so ignorant that they THINK that the appropriate response is hatred. But that is never right.

Our stories need to start getting out there. The real problem is ignorance.

I appreciate all your responses. You all just confirmed my thoughts. I went over to my neighbors last night. I asked them how did i help you? I called my SIL mother too and asked her same question.

It was guiding them through the process. From the initial appearance to the sentencing. I told them how the process works. I was brutally honest. I attended the IA court with the family and told them to expect cash bail. I told them this isnt a jail sentence in the end. They will go to prison. I hated to be a downer but they needed to hear the truth. I told them at the sentencing to give their son's hugs and kisses before the court hearing becuase once the judge sentences them the bailiffs will handcuff them and take them away.

Most families do not understand. How do i put money on their books? How do i visit them? What happens at the sentencing? Where do they go from there?

And who is there to help the family? No one. Because the system does not give a shit about the defendant or his family. It is all about the victim. And i understand that to certain degree. But arent the families of the defendant victims too?

So when this happened to my family i went to the victim witness people at the DA's office. I asked them what services do you provide for the families of the defendant. How can you guide me and my daughter? None!!!!! There is no help.

Nobody gives a shit.

I can tell you that i am part of this system. You know what i do. I can tell you that this is wrong. With that said it is up to us to make a difference. It is up to us to change the system.i can tell you i am not proud of the way this society treats SO's and their families.

I will tell you that i have worked in the court system for the past 10 years. You know by now that i am a cop. But in reality i am a deputy. I am a bailiff in the court. I work in Initial Court Appearances. I see 60 cases a day. I have seen so much.

So i have a challenge for all of you. Get to your local courthouse. Watch the initial appearances. Find out if there is a family in need. Read your local newspapers. They will usually write about upcoming appearances for sex offences. Watch the audience. You will know who the family is. I see that most sex offenses that their family will attend their IA appearance.

You all can make a differance!

And i appreciate all of you. We need to reach out for those in need from the get go. This forum is a great resource but it does not help in the beginning. So get the word out. Thanks for listening.

Thankyou westdenali, you encouraged me to want to get involved with others.you say you are in law enforcement? This is amazing you would reach out to those like us. I wish there were more of you. Thanks

Not knowing the whole process was a hurdle for us. We thought if you asked a for lawyer, they would stop asking questions...the police told my hubby that we probably make too much for a public defender and kept him talking and kept asking "what if/ is it possible" type questions.

He did end up with a PD eventually, but knowng what I know now. I would have scrapped up $500 to have lawyer with him for the initial questions. It might have ended there, if we'd had.

I have friend boyfriend was going through false accusations from his ex and that is what they did, after I suggested it...the charges were dropped.

So, knowing the process from the first accusation/contact by police and what to expect would be a plus I think.

And yes, dealing with the jail was a new thing for me too. And sadly, the desk guard guy was less than helpful, and downright rude (tho he softened up over time) Everytime, I was there, I was nice to him and joked...eventually he smiled without cracking his face. I imagine they get jaded, but it's no excuse for rudeness