Lovingmom,

I am so very sorry to hear of your situation. As always, my thoughts and prayers will be with you and your son.

Lovingmom, you have been hit with some terrible news, but you cannot change the situation with your son right now. There is always hope for the future, but right now there is not much you can do to change his sentence.

So, if you cannot change his situation, you need to get into therapy and possibly get on some antidepressant meds to allow you to cope with this. Your mind and soul has been bombarded with unhealthy emotions and anxiety for months now, and it needs some help. You CAN get through this, but I doubt you can do well without some help.

Don’t downplay therapy. Therapists can often bring your fears to the forefront so you can confront them. Right now you are naked standing in a hurricane, so you need some help. Most of the mothers I support are in some form of therapy.

Do you have a trusting friend you can lean on until you can get into therapy? A pastor? You need to talk to someone and get some of this off your chest.

Most of the newer antidepressants are very effective with few side effects and they do a fairly good job of raising your mood. Some are very cheap as they are on Wal Mart’s four dollar plan; you can buy a month’s supply for four dollars. We all have points in our life when we are so wounded and hurt that we cannot stand on our own two feet. I, myself, have been brought to my knees a few times, so seeking help is not a weakness.

If there is ANYTHING I can ever do or help you in any way, do not hesitate to contact me. I do want you to know that you are not alone, as thousands of mothers and wives are going through a situation much like yours.

You will be in my daily thoughts, Lovingmom. Do not hesitate to reach out if needed.

God bless you and your son and you will be in my prayers.

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My son recently took a plea deal he had clicked on a link that automatically saved the C.P. To his drop box on his phone which he never looks at his drop box to realize so when cops questioned him he didn’t even know what it was about and give them his phone with full access to his phone thinking he didn’t do anything and had nothing to hide then the6 showed him and he was in shock didn’t know what to think we had hope he wouldn’t get labeled because he never search for it nor shared it nor chatted about cp and they knew it was all from a link he was sent while on line but he has to do 24 months of prison and 5 years off sex offender probation and of course be put on the registry and here in palm beach county florida he may have nowhere to live when he gets out... Bible Belt states are the worse we didn’t get a really bad deal because I went and talked with the prosecutor myself and my attorney had been trying to work out not putting my son on the registry but couldn’t work that out it’s really tough if your ever accused of a sex crime your never innocent until proven guilty I wish that were true but it’s not your just guilty the way the law sees it. I wish all of you luck I also am having a very hard time dealing with all this but as for the mom on the 25 years or life depending on his charges but I would try to appeal it I’ve know people to appeal 10 years of prison time for their son charged as a sex offender and got the appeal to go through and got reduced to 4 years. Contact the ACLU in your area and southern poverty law legal aid and join sex offender support groups look for resources to help you with support and if you can’t afford legal assistance to appeal people with sex crimes get served a lot of unjustice it’s very hard and even harder when they get out on probation but be strong join support groups and look for legal help if you need it for your son

Hi loving mom I am so sorry and hope today you are doing better able to eat and sleep,they are the main ones. My son will be sentenced in a few weeks for CP He has 10 charges which were kept at 10 and the judge decides ultimately. I have never been to a prison and the judicial system is also new to me so I can relate to fear and my whole world has been in upheaval. I cry so much because of all the unknowns and crazy worries. I also pray and will be praying for you Please try one day at a time. 24 hours.

Thank you to all its been some time since I have been on here I am having so much trouble i still cry off and on i feel guilty doing things and eating certain foods that my son can't have. And holidays and birthdays not good.

To all the wonderful mothers, wives, or GFs here----and I surely love you all and know what you must be going through.

It is understandable that there are always some guilty feelings when the man you love goes to prison. You wonder how he is doing and able to live in such a harsh environment. You worry if he is getting enough to eat or if the food is even decent to eat. You worry if he is bored and keeping busy. In short, you worry………you worry…..and you worry.

But prison is not like you see on TV or in the movies. Most of the time prison life is rather dull or boring. Most of the violence is portrayed on TV to make prison seem interesting so people would watch. If they showed a true picture of prison, it would be rather boring and their ratings would fall flat. Who would want to watch a bunch of guys playing poker or board games to pass the time??

Take all this from someone who was in prison for many years at both a medium and a minimum security prison.

Mamas and those that love their guy in prison will always worry, but I have a little secret to tell you that I have learned from being in prison for almost a decade myself and from doing my reform work------The person you are worrying about is probably doing much better than you are. That’s true.

Guys have a knack at getting accustomed to prison life. Prison life is difficult, but I can guarantee you that most of the men in prison are not downtrodden with worry or depression, nor are they starving. No, they are not happy to be there, of course, but most take it in stride and after a while begin to make a life for themselves. They make some friends, get a job working every day, and learn to adapt to their new environment.

They don’t isolate themselves and worry, as that is not possible. At some point, most all of them become part of the same group of guys who learn how to make it in prison.

Prison is not where anyone wants to be, but inmates learn to laugh again, they learn to “live” again, they do such things as make buddies playing cards or just BSing with each other. They are probably not as unhappy as you are.

Try not to feel guilty that you are eating well, enjoying life, and going places and your loved one does not have those privileges. Your man in prison would not want you to feel guilty about him being there. Inmates want some respect as a human being and some dignity, but they do not want pity. Most inmate are very happy when the woman they love is doing well on the outside.

So, yes, ladies worry about your man if you want, but I can assure you from experience that he is probably doing better than you are. He might struggle somewhat in the beginning, but this will taper off and he will do fine. Trust me, I would not lie.

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Thank you. I do worry about his kids they are8 and 10 they have not seen him in 8 months I am hoping I can get permission for them to go see him soon

Rewdiazepam,
This was a really comforting post to read. Thank you. I stress and worry to the point that I don’t allow my teenager room to breathe because I’m so afraid he’ll make one misstep and violate one of the hundred terms of probation and SO registry that are nearly impossible to comply with and wind up serving his entire suspended sentence. My fear of this causes great stress, including in my relationship with my son. I’ve heard nightmare stories that a good looking kid such as he is with a “cold molestation” charge will surely be raped himself and beaten and treated brutally in prison. Even his therapist has told us this- possibly as a fear tactic to keep him from making a stupid teenage mistake (like drinking) which would cause his suspended sentence to immediately be rescinded. I’m very grateful to hear that your prison experience was not so bad!
Thank you.

LillyB,

You said, “I stress and worry to the point that I don’t allow my teenager room to breathe because I’m so afraid he’ll make one misstep and violate one of the hundred terms of probation and SO registry that are nearly impossible to comply with and wind up serving his entire suspended sentence.”

Let me clue you in on probation officers----POs. In the beginning a PO has to be a hard ass, as he or she is getting to know the offender. Since, in the beginning, the PO has no clue if the offender will be one that just follows the rules or one that is a pain in the ass and is always pushing the envelope. After all, how would the PO really know the probationer in the beginning?

But, as time goes by, the PO will learn a lot about the probationer----the offender. If he is a PITA, the offender will make it difficult for the PO and as a result, the PO will watch him very closely and continue to be a hard ass toward him.

But if the PO determines that the offender is only trying very hard to follow the rules, the PO will start to let up and be more lenient. The PO will not devote a lot of time to the offender who is trying to follow the rules, but more of the POs time will be devoted to the troublemakers.

Since many POs have a terribly heavy caseload, he only has the time to really watch the troublemakers. POs very quickly find out who is trying to follow the rules and who is continually pushing the envelope. As a result, POs will not devote much time to the “good” probationers.

As a result, probation is very difficult in the beginning, but the PO does start being easier to get along with as time goes by.

Another point to remember is that a probationer really has to try hard to get revoked. Being revoked is not as easy as it sounds.

Please allow me to address your fears that your son might be violated and sent to prison.

Probation violations do not happen as the result of a probationer breaking a couple of rules. Usually, a probationer has to have a pattern of breaking the rules before the PO will try to violate him. I am not saying that a PO will never attempt to revoke a probationer, but I am saying that the probationer has to be guilty of breaking a rule several times or breaking a lot of the rules.

Even if your son breaks a rule or two accidentally, that does not mean he will have his probation revoked and it certainly does not mean that he will go to prison.

If a probationer continues to break rules, the PO will file a petition with the court for a probation violation and there will be a court hearing in front of a judge. The PO does not just say, “I am revoking your probation,” as that is not how it works. In fact, the PO is only an officer of the court and his job is to see that the probationer follows the rules of probation as handed down by the court and signed off on by a judge. POs cannot just willy nilly revoke someone, as it has to go through a legal process. Even if the PO does file a petition with the court to revoke someone, it has to go before the judge in a probation revocation hearing and often the judge will not allow the revocation.

And if he does get a probation violation, he most likely will not be sent to prison to serve his suspended sentence. Usually the first couple of times a probationer violates the condition of his probation, the PO just reprimands them and places them under more sanctions. For example, the PO could enact a curfew or have the probationer take some more classes. But unless it is a new criminal charge, I have rarely seen a probationer sent back to prison to serve his entire sentence after one single probation violation.

Also, sometimes if a probationer violates the terms of his probation, the judge---and remember, it is the judge who has the final say---will just throw him in jail for a few months. Judges are usually hesitant to send anyone back to prison on a probation violation unless the violations are numerous or egregious. So you can stop worrying that the first time your son does not follow a rule that they will handcuff him and send him to prison to serve his full sentence----That is very unlikely to happen.

OK, now let’s address your fear of prison. You said, “I’ve heard nightmare stories that a good looking kid such as he is with a “cold molestation” charge will surely be raped himself and beaten and treated brutally in prison.”

You know, I wish people who have never been to prison would stop telling these wild stories about how so many inmates are beaten, injured, or killed. Trust me, Yes, prison is a violent and dangerous place to be, but it is also a survivable place.

I wrote a long commentary awhile back regarding the safety of sex offenders in prison. The commentary is entitled “Prison Survival for Sex Offenders” and below is a link to my Dropbox account which contains the commentary. Just access the link below and read the commentary. It should give you a better idea of prison. At least it will be an honest appraisal of prison, as I do not lie about such things and I know b/c I was there for almost a decade.

Much of the violence within our prison system against sex offenders depends on the security level of the prison they are housed. All of this is covered in my commentary.

Here is a link to my commentary about sex offenders and prison.

https://tinyurl.com/yd43teko

As far as prison rape, in all the years I was in prison---and I was in some very rough prisons---I never saw or heard of one prison rape. Yes, young guys do give in and are coerced into having sex, but I never saw any violence or rape. There are far too many guys in prison willing to have sex for someone to rape another inmate.

Hope this helps. If you have any questions, send me a message.

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