Right now you have been hit broadside with an emotional tsunami and your emotions and fears are all over the place. In the beginning, people are so traumatized as well as shocked at people's reaction that sometimes they are paralyzed and do not know which way to turn or what to do.

The fear you have for your future and the fear of the unknown can be the greatest fear you will ever have.

The reaction from former friends and neighbors will subside somewhat, but there will always be a subset in our society of truly ignorant and judgmental people who will shun you and your family. There is no escaping that fact. These self-righteous people always prey on the fears of the downtrodden, but you will develop a stronger bond with your family and those who care. Not everyone is narrow minded when it comes to a criminal indictment.

But you will adapt and things will level out. Once the busybodies and gossips become tired of talking about your situation, they will find someone else to emotionally harass. That is just how these people work.

At some point, you will have to toughen up and reason the situation out. My God, this was CP, a non-contact, non-violent offense; not some violent rape or serial molestation of a bunch of six year olds. After a while, I would be pretty angry if someone confronted me over such a minor charge and sometimes you have to let people know that you refuse to take any emotional abuse.

No, you cannot isolate yourselves and go into hiding. Withdrawing completely is never a good idea, if for no other reason than for your emotional well-being. While I would not necessarily want to keep a high profile there in your town, I would go and do what I wanted. When you allow others and your fears to dictate where you can go or what you can do, you have problems.

This situation will get better for you and your family. Everything will become a new normal. As far as friends deserting you, it is best to see their true colors and get them out of your lives.

Give this time. I hope you stick around the board if for no other reason than to read the posts and messages. There are some very intelligent and compassionate folks on this board and they will support you in any way they possibly can.

Remain strong. This will pass and you WILL get through this.

rewdiazepam

Thank you so much. I keep trying to remind myself how strong I am. In fact, I broke down one day at work after the arrest. A co-worker actually said they were surprised to see me that way, as apparently I come off as a bit of a tough cookie. For me, I've always been someone who has learned to protect themselves. But not for anything like this. Irrational fear has grabbed hold this time and I try to shake it off. But those times that I find myself longing to be just me, I find I stop myself because I can't. No social media, no going out with friends, and I can't even bring myself to let people come to my home. I refuse to let people become targets of other peoples ignorance. Even though family and friends are more than willing to come over. Someone told me that our friends/family know what they are doing. And if by associating with our family makes them a target, so be it. Which is hard for me to do. I just want to protect everyone and everything that matters. I think mainly out of fear of loosing anything/anyone else.

This just sucks. I hate hearing cars drive by my house. I hate the night. I hate being vulnerable. I am trying to not feel so paranoid. I see a social worker who has been of some comfort. Unfortunately, I believe time is the only thing that will help.

We've thought of moving once our family member has been sentenced. But not immediately. We want to regain some anonymity. Which living hear has NONE. It's hard to move on from this knowing that our family member will be released someday and will need to start their life completely over. To think of it is frightening. We know the obstacles they face. This family member is naive, too trusting, and we worry about life after. It's hard to not think of everything, all the time. But we try not to. It's the only way we can survive. My biggest issue is I feel if I let my guard down, and allow myself to feel secure, normal....that this is when something will happen and I may not be able to bounce back. It's a scary world we live in. And the people just get crazier by the minute.

Normally" you didn't have to care what people might think or say (because you blended in) now that your relative and your address has been singled out the prejudice against families of sex offenders (collateral damage) is something you DO need to worry about now.

I personally find it useful to have a practiced "response" ready when people get nosey or say stupid/ catty things about what is clearly none of their business: I give them a long look and say, "I can't believe you said that." and just look at them deadpan saying nothing more. After a second or two of dead silence, most begin to verbally back pedal/ justify their rudeness then I just turn and go on my way. (or as suggested by someone else on Daily Strength you could look them in the eye and say, " So, my relative was arrested for a sex crime, you got a problem with that?" It's a little more confrontational but that turns the table on them and gives you a chance to preserve your dignity doesn't it? And that's really what you want.

Guilty or not guilty, you probably know your relative better than all the rest. Just as you need loyalty and support from the old friends who have chosen not to abandon you at this time but will stick around and help you ride this out, your relative also needs to know there are still family members who remember his entire personally should not be summed up by the charge of SEX OFFENDER just as you also want people to remember your family should not be summed up as "That SEX OFFENDER'S family."

It is tempting to cut your family member dead in hopes of getting back in the good graces of judgmental neighbors. The problem is that, once you have seen some of your neighbors for what they are, how much of your own self respect do you want to give up in order please people who you thought were friends but have since realized are not really your friends (even assuming those "friends" might someday be willing to go back to acting "friendly" toward you?)

As for your family the situation will gradually get better as the shock wears off. Don't let your fear cause you to cut all ties with your relative just in hopes of getting back in with the "nice" neighbors who aren't nice at all, or because you too believed once a sex offenders always a sex offender and judged them and their families as "those people" Until you found out you were "one of us." all along

Be glad you know who is really your friend, be careful, and know you are not all alone in this and if you want to, you might find ways to let your relative know he isn't alone in all this either.....With 843,260 adjudicated sex offenders on the national registry, you can see there are a lot of us families out here..
Most of us know just how you feel because we too have experienced the collateral damage you mention...

Remember, "This too shall pass", or at least you'll stop living in fear, learn to cope and maybe even over come. Another website you might find helpful is WAR (Women Against Registry) the more you educate yourself the better things will be and the more you will realize you do not have to let others tell you who you are.

I remember when I was first punched in the stomach when my husband was arrested. I couldn't think of do anything for a month.

I was always a "yes sir, yes mam" type of person before all of this. Going through this, I have learned to stand up for what I wanted and don't care about what anyone thinks or says. I am stronger and stronger every day, you and your family will too.

Just take things one day at a time, one day you will be sharing with a newbie about where you were today and where you are then. Helping them with getting through all of this.

I know all about the harshness of the media. It really is frightening at first knowing most people have read it, shared it on social media and those who haven't read it are quickly updated by the local gossips. The day my husband went to prison I fled to my mothers with our children I was so scared. After a few days I came home and was terrified. I locked the doors, I didn't leave the house and really struggled through the days. However I had a letter to send, so I took several deep breaths and walked to the post box. It was silly but it felt like an accomplishment to me.

Since his arrest the story was printed on 4 different occasions, on local radio etc. The strangest thing has happened though...there's been nothing said. Those who care have reached out and those who are less than pleased simply ignore me and if they see my husband they ignore him too. Not a single threat has been muttered, I simply carry on as before. I still worry something may happen but so far nothing except a complaint that someone didn't like him living in the same town as them. He was moved and again nothing.

Cannot thank you enough all for your stories.

SallyBlue so far we get the looks from neighbors, even was told days after the arrest that there were angry neighbors thinking of retaliating but once they learned this family member is not living here and won't be returning - they've not bothered to come back, only 6 friends have reached out - 2 mostly just to confirm what they've read/heard, 3 neighbors have been cordial - one of them has called and extended a place to go if we need to get out of the house. Like you, nothing really has happened. It's the irrational fear that something could. The horrific stories of vigilantes is just terrifying. What people say they would do to them when they get out, and then the harassment for local law enforcement and PO's is just a whole other nightmare we're aren't sure we're strong enough for.

We plan to help with housing, employment, and anything they need upon release no matter how far away that may be. We have elderly living with us, for safety reasons, this family member will not be returning to the house. However, we know friends and family will support them and we all love them unconditionally. To us this is just incomprehensible why they would do what they've done.

It was an online crime through a type of social media chat room. They we're introduced to the website through friends and at the time didn't see a problem with it. Over time, it became clear it was wrong. They grew ashamed and knew they had a problem. In their mind, it was easier to be caught and persecuted than to tell family they have a problem and need help. We don't think they realize just how much harder they have now made this. On them, the family, their future. And to know how they were raised, where they came from. We just don't understand.

Last night I was up from 3am on just thinking. And you can't shut it off. You're tired, and want to sleep, but the thoughts just keep coming. My heart races and I almost make myself sick. Then I start thinking I hear noises. The night is just horrible. I don't always sleep that badly, but the nights like last night, are just horrible. In my rational mind, things will get better. But right now....it's seems so far away. This sight is a true God send. I pray for all of us.

I had lunch w/ an old friend this week. He described the period of grief he went thru after the death of his wife.It wasn't 'til then that I realized that those were the same feeling that I had gone thru. My family has also gone thru the same things w/ neighbors and the community. Please know that time goes on, interest in your family fades, and you create a new life for yourselves, containing only the best; true loyal friends.

My husband was the same it started with online chat and it got much darker after a while. He had deleted it all and was going to tell me, ask for help. He was terrified. The day after he deleted it the knock at the door came, he had no chance to say and they knew they had to step in before evidence was lost.

I struggled to sleep too. Terrified someone was going to break in to the house even though the headline read he was in prison. I wasn't thinking logically, everyone knew he wasn't here so why target the house? After 10 months I swallowed my pride and decided I needed a bit of extra help. I'm now on a small dose of serotonin and it stops the cogs from constantly ticking. They still do but I'm not kept up at nights now. I've said it a million times but I'll say it again, everyone has skeletons in the closet they're just fortunate enough not to have it spread through the media. Heck in this street alone (a very desirable street) we have a man who was busted for a 200k drug operation, a theif, several adulterers, one will an illegitimate child and someone else who was in court over CP! Everyone has secrets that aren't so hidden but most know not to make something of it.

I moved to another state to spare my adult child any embarrassment when her dad returns just to get a new start plus this new state doesn't have as many restrictions. I am in the process of building a house, this is keeping me busy for this year, then he has one more after that. Believe it or not, I am not worried anymore. I will be as nice to people as they will let me and if they want to talk, I have a lot to say. God has a reason for everything. It has taken me three years to get to this point, after many sleepless nights, but things get better and better if you finally see the light at the other side of the tunnel. I do now and it is a relief.

it happened in '08. Sometimes I feel like a broken record because I have told my story so many times. Anxiety, intense hallucintion induced by anxiety became the every day norm. My house was no longer my home. It was a building that I no longer felt safe in. It gets better with time . Sometimes I think family members , especially females, of sex offenders suffer more then the SO. But I have not walked in my brothers shoes, so maybe I'm wrong .
I know so many of us need relief from that constant burning feeling in the pits of our stomachs, I carried it with me day / night , night / day. What goes up must come down and while I know you deserve relief from the pain, please be careful before taking any benzo's for the anxiety. i.e. Xanax, adivan, kolonopin or Valium . Those pills , for some, can be a beast that will push you to the brink of sanity , if your not already there. The suicide rate for people who take any benzo or SSRI and then abruptly stop (which your doctor will enevidibly do) is extremely high. Just take care of yourself. None of this is our fault .

My husband was falsely accused and ended up taking a plea. We live in a smallish town and when it first went to down, I worried too but thankfully there was no media coverage, and other than conflict with my trouble making in-laws who had a hand in this to begin with, all has been quiet.
In fact, I think I was harassed more when I was a practising pagan.
But then, I've also grown a thick skin and and am known for being snarky so....and I've taught my children well. I still love my oldest's comeback when one of his school mates attempted to harass him over his dad being on the registry. My son said, "oh you've been looking on Megan's law for your next boyfriend, I see" That shut her up.

Frgvnss, There is a before...but then there is an AFTER also...There is such a thing as Post Traumatic Growth (a fancy name for the fact that we can get over this and be stronger than we ever imagined we were before this all happened)

(PTG) the other side of the coin from PTSD, Post traumatic Stress Disorder...PTG is not simply resilience but transformation. Resilience may be when we've been blindsided and we just stagger on pretending. But PTG? Post traumatic Growth is when we Didn't give up. Didn't capitulate. PTG is Transform. (You know like one of those little transformer toys you stepped on in your bare feet because your kid "forgot" to put it away. Only PTG is much, much better. And of course we will be way cuter than those things when we transform!)

PTG happens after we are rocked to the foundations.. After The Life we thought we had chosen, Implodes. When we are betrayed in such a fundamental way that we can't just simply stagger on. The pieces no longer fit when we try to pull the Life We Chose all back together. . So we choose to move beyond, choose to struggle and create a new life of our own instead of living the patterns once laid out for us by others.

We are transformed because we Choose to Create a different Life after the implosion,

But that transformation depends on fundamental choices we make now. How we choose to continue will effect the rest of our lives...and perhaps more importantly, the rest of our children's lives.

1) First we have to decide upon our fundamental response

#A) we can close over the wound, hide the shrapnel, develop gangrene, actually commit suicide instead of just wishing we could, or we can solve that problem and just go dead inside from Betrayal.. # B) Pick ourselves up and stagger on pretending that nothing fundamental just happened. We'll deal with the PTSD later.
# C) Grieve what has ended. Give ourselves time to grow our (new) selves back. Better than ever. PTG. Transformer toy but way better because we are in charge of our transformation.

2) After that fundamental choice there are other choices to be made, especially if we chose #B) or #C) above. We need to find friends willing to "understand." women willing to "be there" for us.
We need gather our team, our tribe.We need to find ourselves in "good company" (like on Daily Strength)

We need (hopefully) three who will listen, offer inspiration, point out the bigger picture, explain "boat maintenance" help us row our kids out of harm's way, row toward a better shore. We need women with whom we can discuss our and their transformation.

Some of our "advisers" may already be personal friends who stuck by us, they might be counselors, We might discover "sisters" out there in blogisphere, just other woman who know about betrayal. We need sounding boards able to listen and sympathize without trying to take over. Friends we trust to tell stories of where they've been. What worked and what didn't, for them. And then we need to help someone else who just heard the knock at the door.

It's our choice but we need them, They need us. Nobody really goes it alone.

In her book Sleeping With a Stranger, How I survived Marriage to a Child Molester, Patricia Wiklund highly recommends we find what she calls an "Administrator" who can accompany us to meetings, hearings etc. and keep track of appointments for us in the first stages, when we feel overwhelmed. Later they'll bring the wine and celebrate our successes with us. (And help us fend off those "Villagers with Flaming Pitch-forks" when necessary.)These friends are the sympathetic women

3) Rule # 3 is NEVER Quit on Ourselves. (Remember we did not Choose #A to begin with and there is no going back now. We have already come too far to give up on ourselves and our children.) Persevere. Look at Betrayal from a whole different angle

Keep on keeping on. There will be other "new" angles No one can transform our lives for you. Why should they? I'm not saying there won't be times when all we want to do is just climb in bed and pull covers over our heads. The world will NOT go away just because we wish it would. Wine does not take care of everything. Eating by the light of the refrigerator won't cut it. Besides we have to fit into our clothes. We have to "interview our interviewer" and clinch our future tomorrow.

4) In some ways we need to take our time. It's not time to "forget and forgive" just because someone else tells us we ought to. We need to Recognize our strengths. Reward our own bravery. Remember PTG? Perhaps we can't wish away the whole world but with perseverance we can transform our world and ourselves with it.

Steal one of your kid's transformer toys. Make that little plastic transformer a reminder. Carry it around in your purse. Don't we know that every Heroine has a Talisman and a Smile and a Sword? My talisman is a little plastic figure hanging off my file cabinet. She's a little Red Headed Disney Princess dressed in a long blue dress and cross bow ...Just as a reminder that there is a before and after....
PTG! (hope this helps you find perspective, whatever your going through now...there is a better tomorrow.)