Families of SOs Community Group
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I really need some advice. My husband has refused to face reality, he is currently under investigation and refuses to hire an attorney. We went for one consultation and the fee was 40k. We don't have the money but he has a car he can sell for around 20k. But he doesn't want to sell his car because he wants to continue living as normal and wait to be arrested. Every time I try to talk to him about making a plan he gets angry and we argue, it's horrible. He keeps saying this will not affect my life once he goes to jail.
He has already been interviewed by the police and confessed to everything, they also took his phone for forensics. It was october 10th when they showed up at our door. I feel almost paralized, it's pure torture just waiting for the doorbell to ring. I'm having a hard time trying to come up with a plan for my life moving forward. I have no family support and the one friend I have has been very distant ever since I told her what's been going on. I really feel like I'm loosing my mind. I keep thinking about what's going to happen to me once the neighbors find out. I live in a neighborhood with many families with young children. I do not want to be forced to sell my house and move because he will be on registered SO list. How has having a SO spouse in prison affected you ladies? Any advice on what to expect?
As far as the prison go definitely set a budget you will have to pay for phone calls wich can get expensive, as well as mail, if your going to do care packages for him (in some places you can send him care packages )and money so you can go see him if your thinking along those lines. Not to mention you will still have the day to day stuff. So if i was you i would do the budget now and set money aside as well as get stuff like stamps, plane envelope, paper so you can write to him and have money set aside so you will be able to set up the phone for him as well as have a bit of money set aside for just in case.
Its ok what your feeling is pretty normal (sorry) i do think he needs to wake up and realize that this is going to effect you. Is he doing any sort of counciling? It might be a idea if he did coz it might help him when his case goes to court.
AND, THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT IN THESE INVESTIGATIONS IS TO RETAIN THE BEST CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY YOU CAN AFFORD. Now is not the time to skimp on legal representation; if he ever needed an attorney, he needs one now.
A seasoned attorney can mean the different between probation or a prison sentence; or the difference between a three year sentence and a 15 year sentence. Right now, an attorney is his only voice and an attorney is the only thing standing between him and a prosecutor wanting to throw the book at him. The attorney can even the playing field in this situation.
That car will not mean much to him if or when he is sitting in a prison cell.
40K sounds a little steep for an attorney that will only negotiate a plea bargain. He does not need a Matlock or hot shot criminal defense trial attorney, as this case will never go to trial, but he does need an attorney with a good relationship with the prosecutor so they can work out the best plea bargain possible. He needs a negotiator.
You said, “He keeps saying this will not affect my life once he goes to jail.”
Just ask some of the ladies here on this board or over on the prison board how their lives changed when their guy went to prison.
And, no, I definitely would not sell my house over this.
Btw, I am a guy who has been through all this, including prison. The ladies here will have some good ideas on how to cope with all this.
Good luck,
rewdiazepam
I don't know how to live this life, I want to help him and support him through the process and help him with visitation, care packages etc. He is disabled(wheelchair bound) and I'm the only person he has(his family is very religious and will disown him for sure). He will need special accomodations in prison(the lawyer said he will most likely be in an infirmary? I have no idea what that will be like for him, I'm scared to death thinking about how he will manage in his situation.
I am in AZ where the SO punishments are severe, I don't know that he has any chance of just getting probation, the evidence on his phone is quite overwhelming, some of it quite disgusting from what he has described to me. rew, during your time of incarceration did you ever have any fellow prisoners that were in wheelchairs? Do you know anything about AZ SO laws?
Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me.
Definitely start putting money away when i say its expensive to support someone iam not kidding the 4 years my man did well that money could of payed off the house! That car is going to be wasted whill his doing time better off sale it before he goes in coz god knows its bloody hard when it does happen.
I have news for your husband. If he has any assets, they will not appoint him a public defender. PDs are for those that have few assets and cannot afford a private attorney. With the automobile you mentioned, he does have some assets. So he may have a problem being appointed a PD.
Waiting until you are arrested to worry about an attorney is just not wise. And, trust me, once they find any illegal evidence on his phone, he will be arrested.
You said, “He will need special accomodations in prison(the lawyer said he will most likely be in an infirmary?”
Most state DOC systems have one prison which has an area for inmates that are ill and cannot be in the general population. This is most likely where he will be sent if his sentence includes prison time.
The SO laws in Arizona are very harsh. Besides any prison time, most all the sex offenses in Arizona mandate a lifetime probationary period. He will also have lifetime registration period to contend with.
https://tinyurl.com/ya9j4um9
The lifetime probation usually requires polygraphs, therapy, group sessions, and a lot of restrictions, including where he can and cannot go.
You asked, “…during your time of incarceration did you ever have any fellow prisoners that were in wheelchairs?”
In all my eight years, I never saw an inmate in the general population who was wheelchair bound on a full time basis. There were a few inmates who needed walkers or canes to get around, but I cannot remember seeing any wheelchairs.
Your husband also will not be very popular with the inmates b/c of his charges. This will not normally be too much a problem if he is sent to a lower security prison, but medium security inmates hate sex offenders. But the fact that your husband is wheelchair bound will at least keep the other inmates from physically confronting him. And he may go to a minimum security prison, and minimum security inmates are not usually violent. Of course, if he is sent to an infirmary type environment, he has nothing to worry about.
I will be around if you have any questions or need me.
rewdiazepam
First, please breathe. You are okay. I COMPLETELY understand how overwhelming this all is. The learning curve is huge. Please give yourself some props for standing with your man! Regarding a lawyer, it was very difficult for me to find one who was willing to take the case due to the offense. Connecting with someone now might be a good idea. I insisted on being in every discussion and recorded the conversation for future reference.
I would also recommend you attending S-Anon meetings - for friends and family of sexaholics. (sanon.org). I have learned so much about myself in this group.
In Idaho DOC there are many prisoners in wheelchairs in General Population as well as Medical. It depends on what they provide and what he needs.
Please breathe. Blessings!