Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello again all.
I am still new here and still new to posting. But my significant other is a man who is finishing his last two years of 10 year probation after serving 12 months for cp. I have a 4 year old daughter. He is very open about his history. He doesn't deny or sugarcoat what he did. Ever. He is working his probation to the letter. He is absolutely not the same person he used to be.. But hell.. Neither am I.
The plan all along has been just to let everyone in my family get to know him before telling them anything about his history. He has met my daughter in the company of my mother and myself exactly one time and we have no immediate plans for them to spend much time together. We are still taking our time on that because we are still figuring out how to approach my daughter's father with this.
My mother wanted to send him a Christmas gift in the mail as a surprise. So she went to look up his last name as a Google search. She had his address and first name but thought she could make sure on the last name via a Facebook page or something. (Which she couldn't.. As he does not use the Internet at all.) Instead she found his entire history. We just finished the conversation where she cried like hell for the lifelong complications this will bring but never for a minute did she hold it against him. She said she loves him very much, but told me to end it.
Her rationale is that I have to choose between him and my daughter.
1. Because when her father finds out he will automatically take her away from me, no questions asked, the minute we approach him with my guy's history. Even though he has never been interested in being a parent.
2. Because of the lifelong complications and punishments involved for my daughter if I do stay with him. That she will suffer for my decision to spend my life with a registered so.
Can anyone validate, argue with, or offer advice or personal experience on any of this?
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read.. I'm just so lost and afraid right now.. On the one hand in my mind my beau, my daughter, and I would be the happiest family... He is absolutely the best person I know.. But if it's going to ruin her life...
I went to prison on a bogus sex charge, spent almost a decade there, and was on the sex offender registry for 14 years. I now work in prison reform, reform of the sex offender registry, and on behalf of families of inmates and sex offenders.
A few states do not allow registrants----even those off paper----to live with minors or step children. So, unless he can adopt the child, in some states he can never live with you and your daughter while on the registry.
But your biggest problem will not be a legal problem, but a civil problem if your daughter’s father decides he does not want his daughter being around a sex offender. He will be directed to notify CPS, they will probably launch an investigation, and you will find them on your doorstep wanting to ask you questions. And, the CPS can be quite ruthless.
The worst scenario for you would be that they take the child away from you and award custody to her father.
But, this is not impossible to pull off. The first thing he needs to do is find a professional therapist and have a pychosexual evaluation done. If this evaluation shows that he has no interest in children and is very unlikely to offend, that would help greatly.
If your daughter is very young----as opposed to over 12 years old----that would complicate matters.
Basically, you would have to get your case----with the psychosexual evaluation and the testimony of a professional----in front of a judge and he would have to rule in your favor. But I have to tell you----as long as her father raises a fuss, it will be difficult to have him live under the same roof as you and your daughter.
You will also need an attorney in your state who specializes in child custody cases.
As a registered sex offender, depending on what state you are in, he may have residency restrictions, buffer zones, and problems with employment.
There are about 30 states which have residency restrictions for sex offenders. These restrictions do not permit a sex offender registrant to reside within any given distance----usually 1,000 to 2,000 feet----of a school, daycare center, swimming pool, park, or any area where children usually congregate. So finding a place to live will be difficult for him.
The buffer zones are merely zones----usually 300 to 500 feet----where he cannot even be present. This, again, includes schools, etc.
Now let me say that these restrictions vary from state to state. Some states do not have these restrictions at all.
As a result, he may never be able to attend any school function which includes your daughter, although some states will permit it if he gets approval in advance from the superintendent or principal.
If his crime was CP, he will most likely be deemed a level or tier 1 offender. A tier 1 offender must register with law enforcement once or twice a year for 15 years.
Now recently several court decisions have struck down the residency restrictions and buffer zones. I know certain areas of Texas have had their residency laws abolished and the courts stopped North Carolina from enforcing the buffer zones.
So time is on your side. The 6th Circuit, a federal appellate court, recently slammed the Michigan registry and prevented them from enacting many of their rules and restrictions regarding the registry.
So, the registry will continue to be watered down by the courts as more and more courts rule that they are punitive and not merely a civil law to protect the public.
But, the bottom line is that your ex-husband or the father of your daughter will probably cause problems with his child being around your guy.
As I said, you need a good evaluation, some people to stick up for him with character letters, an excellent evaluation from a medical professional, and a sympathetic judge.
Your mother is correct in that you sort of have a choice between him and your daughter, but only if her father is so adamant about his child not being around a sex offender. As well as I know offenders, your guy is probably not dangerous at all and would never touch a child. Many CP defendants just make horrible decisions and judgments and wind up with CP charges, even though they are not attracted to children. But convincing CPS or a judge of that fact might be difficult.
I don’t think having your guy around will ruin your daughter’s life. The person who will ruin it is the father. Often there is animosity between two exes anyway and he may well throw a fit.
Trust me, I am 1000% on your side. Anyone who knows me knows I am a fierce advocate of offenders and their families, but I have to tell you what you can expect.
Your biggest problem will be with your daughter’s father, especially if he wants to cause some problems. But if you can get the child’s father not to press the issue, you have half the battle won.
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I have 7 kids with my ex ranging from 19yrs to 10yrs. I met my now husband online in a survivors support group, we got chatting and became best friends, he told me he was charged with CP, (which he pleaded guilty to and was placed on the registry for 8yrs,) my marriage to my ex was on the rocks and my now husband was a shoulder to cry on. Anyways, moving forward, my ex left me with the kids, but 7 was a lot on my own as they were all quite young so I had a breakdown and lost them due to my mental health. My ex took everything from me due to the change in circumstances, half my house, my career while we were still married and eventually my kids. The ex gave the kids back to me after two years and I lost them again due to CPS saying I was unstable and not providing for my kids, so I lost the kids twice on my own anyway, which is totally different to you.
I asked my now husband to marry me and move over from another state and he did. I wanted the happy family, didn't want the kids totally back as it was way too much work for me, but I wanted weekends. My now husband is a lovely guy who has no kids of his own and would be the perfect step dad, so we married as we had already started court proceedings to gain more access with the kids and to have my husband present. Biggest mistake of my life to begin proceedings and I will explain why.
I like you want to, told my ex about my husbands conviction way back when we were just friends and my ex husband from that day forward has made our lives extremely difficult. My husband used to live in a different state and when he would come over to visit me, I was not allowed to have the kids present (a stipulation from the ex) so we eventually decided to marry and began proceedings to try and change my ex's mind. Didn't work, I wasn't a stupid girl, before my husband moved over I told him to go to a professional in the field, so he found a psychologist who saw him several times and wrote a 7 page report on how he is "no threat" to my children. We were assured by this professional that that should be enough, but it wasn't. My ex got CPS involved in the case and the judge sent us for a Family Assessment. Both divisions would not put their name to say that my now husband was fine and now the court is looking at their reports and not bothering with ours. CPS spent 20 minutes with me and my husband and the family assessment took an hour - and they had made up their minds that I was an unfit mother who has no parental compass as to the dangers my husband potentially brings to my children and that they were not convinced that my husband was safe to be around just because they couldn't guarantee it (like who can guarantee anything).
Now my access is supervised, when I have a child younger than 14yrs I have to have one over that age to supervise, I have to have a minimum of three children at a time, visits have to be in a public place (and we are both on pensions and can't afford this), I can't bring the children back to my place of residence under any circumstances even if my husband is not here (they fear he will come home when the children are here). My husband is not permitted to even see my children from a distance. I have been threatened by the judge as I broke these conditions once and let my husband see them for 20 seconds, and I was told that my visits would cease altogether if I did anything like that again.
As for the legal team, good luck. I tried several lawyers before I found one that would even consider taking the case, but they are not really interested as we are a legal aid case. I was just in court yesterday (the matter has been in court for 18 months) and I ended up walking away from my barrister in total disgust. He told me to "bite the bullet" and that I was not going to get what I wanted and to deal with it. He also told me the courts want this case over and my barrister said I would not get legal aid funding for a trial. So now I can't even fight any of these conditions as they were recommended by CPS and the family assessor. You can tell the legal team are just doing what they have to.
I lived in fantasy land and have come down with a real reality check. I too thought that if I married my husband that my ex would eventually come around or that the courts would read our reports and find on our side. That did not happen.
So my advice to you is to think very carefully. I love my husband very much but I have had to sacrifice a lot of time with my kids, now I get so many hours a week, not days. My ex was never keen on my husband being in any part of my kids lives and now he gloats that he has won.
Your ex may not be as vindictive as mine, but if he is, - think! You have to make a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life, it's tough, I know and I wish that you were never in such a position as it is one of the hardest I have had to deal with. You know your ex better than anyone, so if he is fine with it that is a good start, if not, well.......................
I wish you all the best.
hope this helps