Nak you asked, "What is real, what is the truth and does it even matter."

No, it doesn't. It seems like it should but this sex offender nonsense is just a game played in their home park, following their rules, with them as the sole referee.

Many people think that the criminal justice system is about truth or justice; it is not. It is merely an adversarial system which pits an offender or defendant---guilty or innocent---against the full power of the government.

The key here is to win the war. Life is a series of small skirmishes and battles; we lose some, we win some. But I want your blessed son to with the WAR. Let them win this unimportant battle. When he gets through this, he will have achieved the ultimate goal---he will have won the war.

Truth does not even figure into the equation.

Nak, I know you love your son and have been so very supportive, but I would save that money you will spend for an attorney and use it to get your son's life started again. He will need it and I feel an attorney will not be worth the money you have to pay him.

Nak, if you son can, he needs to learn to PLAY THE GAME. I know it is difficult for an innocent man to do that; hell, I was in prison for eight years despite my innocence. I followed the prison rules even though I did not like them, I thought they were silly--and they were---but I never lost my dignity by admitting guilt, even though they tried very hard to get me to.

But this is all a game. It does not matter. You and your son know he is innocent. They are going to "pile on" anyway. Just let all the bull shit go over your head and play their silly little game. Laugh at them under your breath. Know that they are foolish. But just do what is needed to get to the point in his probation that they ease up on him.

What is the alternative? Throwing thousands of dollars down a bottomless pit for attorneys is one alternative, with no assurance that they can be effective changing his probation. Or he could continue to put up such a fight that he and you are both nervous wrecks with all the stress, and then guess what? You will probably have to do what they want in the long run anyway.

That is my suggestion. You can do what you want, but I am just trying to save you some money and take away some of the anger and frustration you feel.

rewdiazepam

Thanks Rew,

We're playing the game. I'm just so steamed up over this.

Our attorney is working on release modification. We feel that the judge here will cut back his 15 years probation. That's really the only answer to being released from all this. Except for the registry, but that's something to worry about at a later date.

My son needs to feel that all this he's going thru will eventually give him a better life. I am helping him out with his other needs as well. My son is not that outgoing, take on anything kind of guy. He's the total opposite.
I rarely contact the lawyer, because he charges me for it. But since we're working on it, this is just another thing and I feel that, once he puts the paperwork in for modification, this mental health treatment will be gone. My son needs this to be gone, as they almost promised.

He is so depressed and I worry about him getting so bad there's no coming back. He has spoken often of not wanting to live with this. He's gone quiet with that and now keeps to himself, doesn't want to talk and I worry about him taking that final step. I'll spend the money if it gives him hope. He needs hope.
I don't want him to take his life and then look back and say . . 'well, I just didn't want to spend the money'. It's not an option for me.

I appreciate your feedback.

more than likely this is a totally dumb question?

but have you and your son had a heart to heart about suicide? having to keep up with the therapist and the meeting for "mental health", might be a big set back for him right now? but it's also not a permanent set back.
but even with this set back there is still a light at the end of the tunnel. it might be a tiny bit dimmer but there's light.

suicide totally puts out that light and all the strides he's made will be for nothing and they will win. not to even mention that it would seriously effect 'your' light.

I have sat here and read your post over and over... trying to think of a way of saying what I am thinking in the right words as to make sense. Not sure if I am there to the 'making sense' part, but I'm going to try...

My only solution to get through the rough times is to make the best of the little thing during them. A feeble attempt to make what is current feel more tolerable as it is going on. Now this can be accomplished by routine and as you keep telling him, this WILL pass, seems like a long time right now, but in 20 years, time will be moving so fast that a decade will pass and you'll wonder WTF. This can also be accomplished by routine 'fun' things, such as dinner out (instead of attorney fees) buy a cook book of food you both love and once a week someone or both of you have to make something out of it and share it afterwards.

I know you can't force him to be social, it only comes with the confidence you give him with the support and love you already give. I know when I have been in the dumps, I have taken $20 and gone to the Dollar Tree to buy bags of $1 items... it's the shopper in me... lol but I feel better because I feel like I am getting something to better my living situation. (I usually get things that I can use around the house when I do those sprees) If he has hobbies that he loves or gets a sense of accomplishment from, those are the things he needs to nurture and gravitate to when he is feeling like life just BLOWS all the time.

Have you thought about asking him if he wanted to talk to someone that wasn't reporting to the PO? I know that sometimes it is nice to unload on someone that isn't reporting to someone else, isn't you cause you are already burdened enough (I am sure he thinks that sometimes), and it might be better money spent than an attorney if it is a person that will also help him come up with coping mechanisms and other tools that will help him in the monitored therapy sessions. But he has got to want to go to someone else... it can't be something that he is doing because you think it is a good idea... build his confidence by supporting his decisions... supporting even the bad decisions... it so sounds like they are zapping all of his confidence in himself and his future. Such a disservice and i am not sure an attorney can get that back even if they can get the mandated sessions to stop. But an additional professional might be able to help him cope better? Because it will be his and they will be reporting to no one... not even you.

I am a fixer and I would try to 'save' people in the past and I found that I was far more effective if I just supported them in their decision making no matter what my opinion was on it and it seemed to make a huge difference... I think it helped them realize that they need no one to save them that they are perfectly capable of saving themselves, even when it terrifies them. and I learn that i am perfectly capable of allowing someone to struggle a little for the reward that they will get when they do it all by themselves.

My husband is like you son in a lot of ways... he is not so much like it anymore, but he is older and things roll off of him differently due to age and experience. but introverted he is... and I could see if this had happened to him at the age your son is at he might be reacting the same way...

Stay strong and supportive like I know you are...

Rew you hit it on the head with your advice! Having been on probation and successfully completed it and now looking back on it, it sucked. I hated it, I didn't like my PO's, I didn't like everything I had to go through. But I jumped through their hoops and they left me alone. I let them think they won but I really won.

Unlike your son, I was guilty of what I was accused of. However I committed my crime as a minor and was charged as an adult, so I feel like I was screwed over too. It's probably not even close to what your son feels, but I can sort of understand where he is coming from.

My parents were there for me much like you are for your son. But they encouraged me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to look at the big picture. They told me to get my head out of my behind and think 10 years out. Where do I want to be in 10 years. So we planned it out, I started saving up for a down payment on a house because SO's have a hard time renting. My parents helped me see the best option was to get through probation as fast as possible and to never look back. That meant playing their game. They said I could use my money fighting the system or I could buy a house and ultimately move on. I chose the latter.

I will never forget what my lawyer told me about probation, he said probation is like a strong current pulling you out to sea. If you want to get back to land and on with your life you can't swm against the current it's too strong. You have to swim sideways out of the current till you are free of it, then you can swim back to shore.

I'm very blessed to have such wise parents for council and support. Your son is also very blessed to have you for his mother. That is just my story, it may not be what is best for your son in his situation but I think Rew and my parents are very wise to think about it like this.

Independent, totally love and agree with the swimming sideways to the current until your free, analogy!

and i really like the 'anal'logy of it too! because that's what so many of the jerkwads are! LOL

Lol! Yes there are lots of jerks! Maybe PO stands for pissed off?

To answer your original question the psychologist client is probation not your son so keep that in mind even though you pay for his services. My husband is on lifetime probation so there is no end. He has a very bad psychologist and PO so we finally had to hire a lawyer. I didn't want to spend the money but he can't seem to play the game. I think it is easier on a women to bullshit then men and everyone he works with are women.The years go by and it gets harder and harder not easier.

It's a very valid point sad, these psychologists are not exactly impartial when a huge chunk of their business comes from the state. The psychologist I used had done work for both prosecution and defense and didn't have any cases at the time with either.

I cannot even imagine lifetime probation, it just makes me shudder. I'm sorry your husband has to go through that.