Radiumgirl,

You are just beginning this journey. My son was arrested in 2013 for CP and failure to protect his son. I know how I felt in the beginning. I had so many emotions - disbelief, shame, anger, fear and guilt that I had not been a good mother when he was growing up. These feelings just raged in me and I couldn't seem to control them. I would go from one feeling to the other and felt like I just might explode from the inside out. I didn't know what to expect either. I worked at just putting one foot and then the other in front of me one day at a time.

Then, I found this forum. These people have helped me so much. I have brought my questions and concerns to them and they have supported me with honesty and kindness. None of the ladies that have responded to your post meant to offend you with what they said. We are just at a different point in our journey than you are in yours. We have learned a lot and we're trying to pass our experience on to you. I'm sorry if you felt unwelcome because none of these ladies want that.

It's been 3 years now and my feelings have changed many times since 2013. My son served in the Marine Corps. He put himself through college and became a Physical Therapy Tech. He helped many people with his training. He has done many good things in his life. It is my fervent prayer that his life will not be judged by the worst mistake he ever made.

We all have our opinions. We all have our experiences. I encourage all of you to read this post at least three times!

Honest witness gets it.

What happened? Read between the lines. I feel bad for Radium. Its no wonder she is not coming back. We all feel strongly. We have good intentions. But is the way we treat our newcomers? NO!

I have been here long enough to know several of you. I read your posts. You have helped me. And i have to admit i was surprised by some of your posts to Radium.

What advice was Radium asking for? Instead of asking lets just slam her. Lets switch the topic to her niece. Really? Radium is dealing with alot. Lets all go back to the beginning of our path to dealing with what has happened in our lives.

Of course i have my opinions. No way would i encourage my daughter to forgive her molester. What Radiums brother did was deplorable. This was four years of hell! What is best for one may not be another. How dare do we blame the victim. She didnt ask for this. And nor should the family encourage her to have a relationship with her abuser.

And yes...i have come to peace and forgiveness to my daughter's boyfriend. He brutally raped a woman. Not my daughter. He chose a stranger. Broke into her apartment and beat the crap out of her. Raped her. Broke her finger. Strangled her. If he had done this to my daughter...he would not be in prison. God only knows what i would have done to him.

Our justice system? Yeah....its not perfect but its better than the alternative.

All in all lets show compassion.

radiumgirl -I completely understand your anger and inability to grasp your SILs continued love for the man that hurt her child. It's hard not to judge it, especially if you've ever been molested. I was molested from birth to 12 yrs old by my dad and grand-dad. It was known by other family members but no one stepped in to have them arrested and my mom and grand-mom stayed with them. The abuse caused great hurt and shame for me, and the fact that my two attacker's sick desires were more important than me isn't something you just get over. I'm not judging anyone else on here, I'm just saying how it made me feel. My brother was the closest thing I had growing up. We were abused unmercifully and were very close but when he sexually abused his GFs daughter, I could not be around him anymore. It just completely changed the way I felt about him.
And your brother, even though he turned himself in, that doesn't mean he's sorry for what he did. Maybe he had no other choice, Idk the details. I do know that 4 yrs of being molested is horrific for a child and she'll need all the support she can get. I hope your brother does regret what he did and I hope he never does it again but only he knows his heart. I wasn't the only victim of my attackers and they were never punished.
When you ask what to expect next, what do you mean? How he might behave in court? How the trial might go? How the whole family might react in the coming months? It's going to be one big nightmare and that little girl is the most important person in all of this. I'm so very sorry for all of you.

honestwitness - I really feel for you. I've often wondered how a person could sexually assault a child if they had also been sexually assaulted as a child? I hated my attackers. I prayed every night for them to die. I just couldn't imagine hurting an innocent baby like I was hurt. I'm so sorry for you. I can't even imagine your pain. You will always be their mother and good mothers can't stop loving their children.

Finally, I'm not trying to upset anyone but if you all want your opinions to be respected, radiumgirl's opinions and feelings deserve to be respected too. Not everyone can tolerate this type of child abuse as easily as others, or be as forgiving. That doesn't make them horrible people.

No one says she is a horrible person. What I read initially wasn't about the legal process, but more about the aftermath of discovering abuse. I also wanted to let her know that her brother, although what he did was terrible, can be rehabilitated so that he will never reoffend (a small piece of mind).

My concern was also about how her niece is affected by all of this. She needs everyone around her, helping her though all of this. Having outside forces can really affect her. She may want to forgive and loves her step-dad and doesn't want anything to happen to him, but only wanted the abuse to stop. But having family that say and act another way can very well confuse her. This is also why I suggested herself receive counseling to help her deal with her anger towards her brother. My intent was out of concern for all parties.

I am sorry that we didn't understand her inquiry was about the legal process, but that question was addressed.

I may have been snippy in the beginning, and for that I'm sorry.

I just found out that my brother will be convicted under "Jessica's Law". So at minimum, he will get 25 years with no chance of parole. Since the abuse went on for four years, he probably won't get the minimum.

That doesn't surprise me. My husband received 30 yrs for 4 yrs of abuse. He could get the minimum sentense (based on the charges and number of counts) and if he had any prior record (including any misdemeanors).

My husband was convicted of CP & voyerism. His sister had a very similar reaction to you when he was first arrested - she couldn't understand how I continued to support him.

For me, the answer was simple, his crimes were deplorable, but I knew how he felt about them himself. I knew his history (stuff she didn't know) and I knew the mitigating factors. I also knew how desperately he wanted to change & could see the genuine efforts he was going to. I believe in rehabilitation and have the capacity to forgive mistakes. Nothing is ever black & white.

At the time, I was told by the police that I might have to provide pictures of my children so that they could match their images with the indecent images found on his computer. That sickened me beyond belief, and I told him so. But it's possible to condemn someone's behaviour without condemning the person themself.

Not the answer you want, I know, but your post struck a chord. I hope your niece is recovering and able to move on with her life.

That's a harsh sentence, radiumgirl.

My oldest son got 20 yrs for two counts of sexually abusing a minor. My second son got 4-years-to-life for drunken sex with an adult woman who woke up the next morning and decided to cry rape. They were both drunk.