I deleted the duplicate post.

As far as how your SIL could still love your brother dispite what he did to her daughter is because she sees him for more than his actions. I'm sure it helped the fact that he took ownership, and didn't try to deny it. I know that was the deciding factor for me when our daughter disclosed her dad was abusing her. And that is also the reason why our daughter has forgiven him and still wants a relationship with him.

This is very deviating for everyone involved (extended family included). Being there and supporting each other is one of the best ways you can get through this, as well as taking it one day at a time.

People assume that once and offender always an offender. If someone abuses a child is because they are a pedophile, these assumptions are wrong. Sex offenders have one of the lowest reoffense rates. In CA, the CDCR reports that out of every 100 sex offenders, 1 is arrested for another sex crime. The BJS states that the reoffense rate is 5%, and that is looking at them over a 15-20 yr period. And familia offenders have low reoffense rates.

Many offenders are situational offenders, meaning they react on a trigger inappropriately, and there is opportunity (they don't seek it out). These individuals learn their triggers and learn how to address them appropriately in treatment.

I hope you find the help and support you need here. I'm sorry you need us, but glad you found us.

In this case, he did seek it out. He went into her room and asked her to disrobe and she did, she was 11 at the time and he was 41. I know that you're trying to help, but statistics just don't do it right now. At this point, I hope they give him the maximum sentence and throw away the key.

I understood you are angry with his actions. But throwing away the key won't solve anything, especially when he is least likely to reoffend. He does deserve punishment for his actions, but not a lifetime.

You wanted help to understand, I gave you info to help you do just that. You don't want it, don't take it. But also don't ask for something you don't want.

I did not mean to offend you.

But with all due respect, I did not ask for help to understand. I understand what he did is wrong. I understand that he destroyed a young girl's innocence. I understand that he has destroyed our family. I understand that his children's lives will never be the same.

What I did ask for, is information on what to expect next legally.

ThoughtAsWeak is only trying to help. Do not take your (understandable) anger out on her (or me as I happen to agree with her).

My anger is not directed towards her. It is directed right where it should be, at my brother.

If your brother wishes, he may send a written letter to his lawyer, giving the lawyer permission to duscuss his case with you. His lawyer is the best person to ask what ti expect next legally. The lawyer won't discuss your brother's case with anyone but your brother, unless your brother gives him/her permission in writing.

For your own peace of mind and clarity, it would be good for you to hear what the lawyer has to say.

Welcome to this group, radiumgirl. We are here to gig and receive support, because we, too, are on this unpleasant and unexpected journey.

radiumgirl..if statistics don't do it for you right now..(I understand that) BUT .how about showing some compassion for your niece?Think about your niece who will probably be expected "never to recover and be a forever victim' just to reassure you and your family that 'all this' was not her fault". And kids do secretly believe that...

Especially if her grandmother goes ahead and decides to kill herself to show her son and the whole family how harmed SHE is...Won't her granddaughter (is is the one actually hurt by this) also blame herself for her grand mother's suicide? (your mom really isn't the victim here but never mind...)

Most kids do blame themselves so much that while they wish they hadn't been molested, they certainly do blame themselves if their father goes to prison forever...(especially if their grandmother threatens or commits suicide)

How does your family's attitude help your niece make it through this now or in the future? (and the girl hasn't even been through the system yet herself.She will have to testify and help send her dad to prison 'forever' to satisfy your anger at your brother actions? This just goes on and on unless, of course, her father (threatened with his mother's suicide) not only takes responsibility but is willing to take a plea sending himself to prison for the rest of his life to save his daughter from testifying (and his mother from what? The shame of it all?)...so then who is the 'better' person here and whose child is made to feel even more to blame by her own family now?

Your hurt, hatred and all this drama calling for revenge is not something your niece should have to live with 'forever' just to be accepted by angry people in her family who will undoubtedly become more vengeful if your mother kills herself...

Throwing away the key does harm to more than "just the offending parent" Forever revenge does egregious harm to ALL concerned. especially the child you say your want to protect. Take a deep breath and think about how to actually help her. Take care...Janetmackire

Sheeeh! I should proofread my posts better! We are here to give and receive support.

One further point I would like to make is this..many adults who sexually abuse a child were sexually abused as children. I have two adult sons in prison. Both were molested as children by someone I thought I could trust. I didn't find about their childhood experiences until many years later. Just sayin'...

There is anger, yes. I have nothing but compassion for my nieces and nephew. My mother would NEVER even think of killing herself. How that was read into what I was saying, I'll never know. It's her broken heart that I worry about. And believe me, I'm not adding "drama". The situation speaks for itself. I also don't recall asking for revenge. There are consequences that have to be imposed for his actions.

My niece will not have to testify, thank God. There will be no trial as my brother confessed. All of my nieces and nephew are receiving psychological help.

I'm glad they are getting help, and I suggest you do as well. I can say my daughter was harmed more by family who wanted vengence for what he dad did, than the actual acts he did. You are angered (rightly so) but your blood thirst won't help anyone, especially your neice. She needs people who will support her in her healing, not adding to it. It already hurts her to see her family ripped apart by this. She hurts seeing her mom hurt and grandmother, brother, etc. she hurts when people tell her she will never recover.

As far as the legal aspect, you have avoided a lot of the legal stuff when he pleads guilty and avoids trial.

Again, more being read into this than is there. There is no "blood thirst". We are supporting my niece, she is in no way responsible for his actions. As far as I know, no one had told her that she won't recover, and I would have issue with anyone that would say that.

As for me, I am getting help. That being said, I believe I have joined the wrong group as I have been made to feel like the bad guy for wanting justice for my niece.

Welcome to the group. Sorry you have to be here. If you asked anyone of us if we wanted to be here....it would be NO!

I was confused on your question on what information you are seeking. Is it moral support? But as you continued it is more legal questions and the process. Talking to an attorney is the best. All states differ a bit on the legalities.

On a side note.... you are entitled to feel the way you do. You have to be ok with how you deal with this. You may change your mind later on. And thats ok too. Dont let anyone tell you how to feel. We all can tell you about our experiences.

What i found in this group is we have good intentions. We try to help. Its not like there are support groups out there to attend. So here we are. We come from all walks of life. We are passionate in our beliefs. And we all have differant opinions on things. But we do have one thing in common and that is a family member or loved one has committed a sex offense or been convicted even though they are innocent.

Be prepared for a rollarcoaster ride. Buckle in. Explore your feelings. Do what you have to do. What works for one....may not work for another.

I wish you and your family the best.

No one here is saying that your brother should be absolved of his actions. He has done the first part which is admitting there is a problem. We just hear you anger and as we all well know, it is hard to quell such anger even if your best intentions are to not show these things to your niece. Justice for your niece in some people's worlds would be to lynch him in the manner they did slaves about a 100 years ago. But real justice is when treatment is completed, punishment completed and everyone is allowed to move forward in their lives.

You asked legally what you can expect. In general you are going to do a lot of waiting. The legal system (I will not use justice system, it has zero to do with justice) is a slow machine, there will be hearings, some of which your niece will have to testify and attend. The first one though is the arraignment, that is where he officially pleads either not guilty or guilty in front of a judge and where the process begins. DO NOT be alarmed that he is going to say NOT GUILTY, this is how it is done. Even if his plan is to plead guilty he WILL say NOT GUILTY at the arraignment. Prepare yourself, because many believe that if you're guilty you should just say it, well that is not how the United States LEGAL system works. There is a process, that is why it was suggested to talk to his attorney, for while he won't discuss particulars of the case, he can explain the process in your state.

Next will be the plethora of hearings before the trial to trade discovery, make motions of dismissal of pieces of evidence for various reasons and then there will be the final pre-trial conference. that is usually when a plea agreement is agreed upon, trial is canceled and sentencing hearings are scheduled.

Just try to remember that our system is not a Justice system, it is a legal system with rules and laws that you can't even imagine, it is a mind blower in fact, no matter what side of the issue you are on.

All in all though, we all know you are angry, and you should be. But even when we don't want to, even when we try our best not to show our disgust or disdain for a situation that children SEE EVERYTHING, far more than we give them credit for. They also internalize things in ways that we forget as adults. For all the 'justice' you may want, all that little girl wants is for her dad to come home, for the whole thing to be over and for things to return to 'normal' and is willing to endure pretty much anything for that to happen. Janet has the most experience in this, I will let her tell her story though. She has seen both sides of this and can offer insight that most of us can not.

So it is ok to be pissed off, angry and want to string him up by his toenails... because you just are grieving. You are grieving the loss of a brother you thought you knew, that you still know but just now know something new and darker than you ever imagined. But as in the grieving process you will go through Anger, Saddness, Denial, bargaining, and acceptance. Please don't get me wrong you won't ever 'accept' his actions but you'll accept that it is what it is, and that you can only move forward from here cause moving backwards is counter productive.

Sorry that you had to find us under such unpleasant circumstances.