Westy,

What a mess. The real question here is---- does mother keep this ridiculous charade going on?

I say no. You would not want him lying to you, so you should not start lying---either by commission or omission---to him.

Relationships---whether romantic or friendship---depend on two things: 1) trust, and 2) respect. If you continue to carry out this nonsense, he will no longer trust you or respect you.

Do not allow your daughter's shortcomings to rub off on you. Don't be a party to anything that shows dishonesty to this guy you adore.

His friendship means too much to you, Westy, for you to continue to lie for your daughter.

I don't know how you want to handle your daughter, but I would be as angry as hell if my daughter did something like this and then left me to deal with the aftermath.

There is not a good way to break something like this to a guy in prison, but you must. I think the best thing would be to tell him on the visit. Be bigger than your daughter.

He has close to 10 years to serve, so he most likely expects this anyway.

It is only fair that he knows. Yes, it will hurt as all rejections hurt, but he will get over it.

You cannot expect a meaningful friendship with this guy if you allow your daughter to suck you into her games.

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I would say the same. Honesty is always the best policy. I would tell your daughter your intent however, and give her the chance to do the right thing first.

If your daughter isn't going to send hers in to see him, and you are already approved, so ahead and make the visit. I would tell him that she has already moved on.

Yup I know it is more complicated this this but she is an adult - tell her you are not going to lie for her and she needs to be responsible for her own choices - she has put you in a very unfair position

if you have taught your daughter to do the right thing, then it is up to her to tell him the truth. tell her to be an adult and act like one.

she belittles herself by what she is doing. don't allow her to do the same thing with you.

lying to him will not serve a purpose and only cause more pain in the long run. sooner or later he will find out the truth and it will hurt even more if you lie to him for her. there comes a point in time when all parents have to take that step back and make their kids stand up on their own 2 feet. don't let her hide behind you or any lies.

Yeah, I agree with everyone. If your daughter does not come to her senses, however, don't give up your chance to see this young man. Twenty is still very young. Frontal lobes not fully developed and all. Perhaps you could go see him and ask him if he really expects her to stay by him. He probably knows that keeping her as "his girl" for 10 years during her 20's is highly unlikely. As long as she is telling him that she loves him, he is going to cling to that.

No matter how disappointing is for him to let your daughter go, cultivating a supportive friendship with you would go much farther in helping him to maintain his sanity over the next 10 years. I met someone else not too long after my husband went to jail. It devastated me to have to tell him, but I needed to do it. Of course, he was shocked, but also realized that he had brought this on himself by his own misdeeds. We are still very close and always will be, but we are adults.

Your daughter is just discovering who she is. Staying with a guy is prison who she is not married to would severely limit her growth and possibilities. He has to know that. He will probably cry when she tells him, but a good "mom-like" discussion with him ahead of time could soften the blow.

I wish you the best. This is a tough one.

I have to put in my two cents here... I just can't help it.

Tell him. Don't pull punches. She should have done the adult thing, it is uncomfortable and it won't be pleasant but she should be doing it. If she doesn't, then she should be expecting him to find out anyway, period, regardless from who it comes from. Unfortunately this time it will be you.

I look at this situation as TWO separate relationships. She and he, then there is you and him. Both are made up of their own reasons for being. It would be no different than if you knew two different people. Each relationship works and lives on its own merits at this point.

I know you feel loyalty to both for the obvious reasons. But you and your daughter will survive this (he will too, either way), but a lesson is here to be learned. One really can't avoid their choices and the consequences from them. She chose to move on, but she didn't really 'own' it or she would have told her ex. This is dishonest beyond words and WRONG on a whole bunch of levels, regardless if he is in prison or not.

Then there is all the lying she is doing to him, if she is good at it, that takes practice, what else does she lie about? She needs to learn NOW at this young and recoverable age that lying to people that care about you is the worst thing you can do. That her behavior is not acceptable or tolerated.

I know I sound like I am coming down hard on her, but I speak from personal experience what she is doing will blow up in her face, best it happens now when she can recover than later when the stakes are even higher.

Thanks for all your ideas. You have confirmed what i was thinking and what i should do.

I met with his Mom tonight. I set it up with her to meet me at the county park for some beers to celebrate our 50yr old birthdays since we both turned 50 this past month. I had a hidden agenda unbeknownst to her. Although she knew something was up.

We toasted and got down to business. I told her everything. She was quite upset that my daughter is stringing along her son. I agree with her. We both decided it was unfair for him.

We cried....we talked...we decided we will both tell him. We are visiting him next week and tell him my daughter doesnt want to see him.

It wont be easy. But we have each other to break it to him. It will be a girls trip to prison to break the news. Thank God i have his Mom to help me break the news.

So while we are at the park talking he calls his Mom. So she answers and says she is with me at the county park having some beers. I get the phone and he has the audacity to say "isnt it against the law to drink beer at the park?" I laughed. Its like really?

Anyways will let you know how it goes next week.

Thanks again for your support.

I see your issues as you really like the guy but on the flip side you don't feel it is your place to tell the guy the truth. I would strongly suggest to her that she get a letter written to him telling him the truth gently. Key word, gently!! I think she should tell her in her own words (even though it is written) that it is over and why. But then you can continue to support him since you care so much for him. She should "man" up and do what needs to be done. Hope this helps

That sounds like a great plan - and having 2 moms there that care about him will make it better - how is his mom doing?

I agree with everyone. Your daughter is an adult so the only thing you can do is voice your disapproval of her actions. You care for this young man, so take care of your relarionship with him. Tell him the truth and allow him & your daughter to work out the details of their relationship in whatever manner that may go. Do tell her however, that you will not lie for her. Glad you and his mom can work together for his sake. Good luck. Tough situation

West, i am so very glad that you and his mother have joined forces.... that both of you are in agreement for telling him the truth.

the last sentences of your original post kinda haunt me,
"Is it best i just dont see him till she breaks it off? Its hard cuz i really want to see him. My time here is short. I will be moving cross country soon. I want to see him as much as i can before i leave. I love him like a son."

in all honestly why should you be hurt and made to feel this way?? why should you hurt and punish both yourself and him because your daughter is cowardly and can't be bothered to do the right thing? in this instance you and he are cast as victims by your daughters lack of action.

you have no idea how much i admire you and your heart in your support of this young man.