Sometimes these guys don't think. It's like money grows on trees, they don't see us struggling, and think 'it's no big deal', when it is.
Take a day or two to calm down before you address his letter. You will have a clear mind to write, and not writing in anger saying something you regret.

Good Luck!

Nicole,

Yes, he is being selfish and thoughtless. Many inmates, especially those who have been incarcerated a while, forget what it is like out here on the outside and have a tendency to take people for granted.

He is surely suffering somewhat while in prison, but you are not exactly having a cake walk either.

I know you are concerned and doing the best you can under the circumstances. You are just collateral damage in this entire situation.

You are doing his time along with him, but you have all the responsibilities. He does not worry about a house falling apart, no utility bills, no car repairs, no laundry problems, no problems putting food on the table, etc., etc. You are the one saddled with all these problems and basically he is just waiting to go home.

As I said, I know you are concerned about you and him, as we have talked several times. How do I know that? Because you took the time and had enough courage to register an account on this site and look for answers by posting and reading other's experiences. If you did not give a damn about him or the situation, you would have never even bothered to join this site.

Surely he doesn't really think you are a gold digger. Here you are, by yourself and living in a run down house with broken windows, yet you still are trying to maintain enough composure and summon up the strength to still send him money.

Sounds to me like you are making a lot of sacrifices to keep him happy.

In my books, that is called love and determination. He is very lucky to have a woman out here like you.

Nicole, I think a lot of the problem is that he just does not physically feel well most of the time. Medical services in prison is sub-standard and he must surely be experiencing some pain with his condition; pain pills in prison mostly consist of Ibuprofen, so yeah, he is hurting and miserable. When person hurts, they get grouchy, and that is much of the problem. Besides, you know how us panty waisted men are---a woman can go through childbirth and its pain, but if we men get a runny nose all of a sudden we are dying; sometimes we like to be pampered. ha ha

His health and pain is the biggest problem here, I think.

I wouldn't get my hopes up too much regarding any lawsuit against the prison system. He may win, but he may not. BTW, I have never heard that the prison is entitled to some of the money he might win in a malpractice or negligence law suit against the state. After all, in his law suit, he WILL be suing the state along with the warden of the prison and the Department of Corrections, so I have no idea how or why one of the defendants of the suit can somehow be entitled to a decision AGAINST them. That does not make sense at all.

He says he wants to get out of prison and enjoy HIS money? Aren't you two husband and wife? How did the money become sole property of him all of a sudden? IF he wants to enjoy HIS money, then I would hand over all the bills, let him pay for fixing up the house, since it is HIS money and he wants to be the decider of how it is spent; he can also clean up the mess with HIS money.

BUT, he is in prison, which is not a lot of fun, and he is sick in prison, which can be a nightmare. Perhaps you should take this into consideration, but he still is being selfish and thoughtless to the one person who has supported him and stuck by his side for almost eight years.

Just my two cents. I can see both side as I was an inmate once.

rewdiazepam

I agree with rewdiazepam, that the prison would be entitled to a third doesn't make sense. They are not an injured party.
I also agree with thoughtofasweak, take a few days to calm down before responding to his letter. But then (if it were me) I would very nicely remind him of all the sacrifices and all the responsibilities I have had to deal with.

Nicole,

I went through almost exactly same feeling couple days ago.
My husband has only been in jail for a month, and his activities there are pretty simple. Sleep couple hours, eat, read book, and sleep more. It is very easy to forget that you have many other chores in life that need to be taking care of.

With limited phone time each day, I tried to save the trouble details of little things that I have to handle through out my day. So all he hear are the end results. I think that is where he is blind sided about how much effort that we put in to maintain our lives outside without them.

First I was hurt that all he wanted to talk about is how the jail won't investigate the threat that other inmates made to him. Because it is our anniversary! He did not even say happy anniversary to me. I was pretty upset and thought that he is selfish. We argued and he hang up the phone.

At the end, I let him know how exhausted I felt without him even though I might appear to have it all together and happy in general when I was on phone with him and when I visited him.

I think that helped him realize that we on the outside are having a difficult time too and he is more empathy to my stress.

Sometimes I just have to remember the person I know is not a selfish person. He just needs time to learn to put his issue aside and able to have the ability to care for someone again.

I am probably going to sound cold and a bit heartless, but I almost lost my house when my husband was in prison... So I know exactly where you are coming from.

In WI I know that an inmate makes a 'salary' of sorts even if all they ever do is sit and watch TV. If they have a job it is a little bit more, but really not much more than a few dollars a month, but it is something. He is still fed 3 times a day, yeah it isn't great but it is food. I am guessing that you don't always get 3 meals a day.

You may not want to jump all over him when you reply, but you do need to point out that while you know that things do suck in there for him, that even with your freedom your world certainly isn't perfect. I would also remind him that a marriage is a partnership and that whatever losses and gains that are made are 'ours' not just for one or the other.

I agree that a lawsuit is no guarantee because the government is fighting you with your money and they have a lot more money than all of us. I don't believe that the defense can take a cut of his award by the court, if that were to happen, because the prison would be part of the defense, UNLESS he already owes money in some way, such as fines, medical bills (most prisons have co-pays), etc.

Not sure how much time he has left, but what I found is that to keep my man grounded in what was going on in the real world of finances I would just lay it out in a nice spreadsheet fashion. If we don't tell them that things are hard, for the sake of sparing their feelings then we are doing us both a disservice and being dishonest with ourselves.

After I almost lost the house, things changed, we talked about money all the time... I got a better job, and things started to swing up... then when he got out he was motivated to find work, which he was able to find right away... Marriage is a partnership, you have to talk about it all to figure out your way through the mire of life.

So many forget that those we leave on the outside are doing the time with us. I felt lucky that I had a good woman whom I trusted taking care f things for me while I sat and rotted behind bars. I kept busy inside. I did not let my situation take over my mind. I always asked about how things were at home in the letters I wrote every day. I kept telephone calls upbeat and listened.
When I got out, I had a job in less than 8 weeks. I used my time inside to better myself when I came home.
Now, when I should have retired, I still will work until some of the debt accumulated over 10 years ago is paid in full. Should be okay by the end of this year.
As for the lawsuit, Hope for the best and expect the worst. I plead out because I knew they would bankrupt me with their unlimited resources.

You should also remember that when in the prison system , you have no way of helping those on the outside , that feeling of helplessness is (well there is no way to explain it) makes you one sided when it comes to those out side . He knows whats going on , but you at least have the option of trying to do some thing about it , talk to a friend,lawyer ,anyone, someone , when inside you cannot even talk to a lawyer unless he(or she) comes to you . I can pretty much guarantee that by him saying (his money ) he meant , both of yours . but the mentality of a prisoner is,( me ) , (mine) it is pressed into you everyday , by the COs and the other prisoners . Do not take it to heart or take it personally , And yes Here in Md , if you win a court case while serving time they will take as much as they can so you can pay your own way through prison the state calls it reimbursement , Cause they do so much for you while incarcerated .LOL.

Spock,
I hear what you are saying. We all had/have the opportunity to have prison make us stronger. Some do not take that opportunity.
I may have been lucky in that I was educated before entering and loved to read. I also worked out daily and read newspapers to keep in touch with the world. I had many visits and was able to talk things out one on one with my then fiancee.
Regardless, I came out a much different person than when I went in. Most in a positive way. Some in a not so positive way.

Coolrich,

You are absolutely 100% correct.

We learn so much about the world and even more importantly, about ourselves in prison.

If a guy is smart and plays his cards right he will come out of prison a much wiser, stronger person---and a better human being.

rewdiazepam

rew,
The one thing that changed the most in me was my view of others. I certainly have more respect and never make judgements until I know all the facts. Being accused does not mean you did any thing wrong. Right now I have a family member who has been fighting with the DEA. They are accusing without evidence trying to get him to lie about someone else. After I talked to his wife, who wanted him to lie, she did a 180 and now fully supports him in being honest.

Spock, I have re-read your post a number of times. I certainly hope you are right about the prison " me" mentality. I am having issue with that very thing at the moment. Cool, your parting comment about " some not so positive" is what has me concerned.in my situation. If we co-habituate upon his release I will be changing my residence and my life once again. Our home was lost, as were are savings. He can not live with me at my current address. I have given up so much already, not so sure if I am willing to take the risk of the " me" thing and give up so much once again.

The things that are "not so positive" have have to do with my disgust with government, politics and people in general. I love my family and friends to a much greater degree than before prison. Though I used to be social I am not so much now which is fine. All of my social life revolves around family and friends that have proved themselves loyal. My wife actually prefers it that way.

In meeting new people, I am very "stand offish". They have to show me that they accept me with all of my past first. I also am much more paranoid. But, as my therapist told me, " You are not paranoid when they really are out to get you."

I also do not smile or laugh as much as I used to. All of this may be a function of age and experience as well as my time in the joint.

Serving time in prison is definitely something that will get your attention.

After my eight years in prison, I learned how corrupt the government and criminal justice system has become in this country. I really despise the government and politicians in general.

Prison robs a person of their innocence and makes them see things in a very realistic mode. No more Pollyana, that's for sure.

I have a very few close friends but for the most part, I don't allow people to get close to me. I am contend to talk to a few people on the phone, be with my animals, and be left alone. Of course, I do have my family as nobody disowned me when I went to prison.

I am so disgusted with the ignorance of the American people. I quit even watching political shows on TV because I grew tired of all the lies and BS. In fact, except for some football games, I never turn TV on.

I hate ignorance. If I talk with someone about the criminal justice system or any subject and they say something really stupid, I know to avoid those fools.

The other day I was talking to a lady who works at the pharmacy where I help my friend with his computers. The criminal justice system was mentioned and I said that there are a lot of innocent men in prison. This idiot piped up and said, "I don't believe that. I think there are very few innocent men in prison." Well, I am the last person in the world that you would want to tell something like that. I held my tongue, although I did mention all the inmates being freed on DNA evidence because of Barry Scheck's Innocence Project, but I could see that she already had her mind made up. So I did not pursue it any further.

One thing I have experienced since the very day I was released is vivid dreams. About two or three times a week I dream that I am locked up somewhere, I can't understand how I got there, but I am looking for a way to get out of there. Nothing much happens in those dreams, but it is the same theme week after week. They are not the kind of nightmares that scare people have to death, but when I do wake up and realize it was only a dream, I am very relieved.

This probably occurs because I was innocent, yet went to prison. It made a huge impression on me. Also part of the reason was that I was in there for such a long period of time---eight years---and I stewed over that conviction for many years after. I am much better now, but I took some time.

I had a few medical people telling me it is PTSD. I never thought of it like that, but it could be.

Yeah, prison is an everlasting experience.

rewdiazepam

rew,
It probably is PTSD. I had a mild case from the Marines that was exacerbated by prison. Everyone that knows me will not come up behind me and touch me without letting me know they are there. Neither I nor they will know what I may do.

It has gotten better over the years. Most times I look now before I lash out. I have learned to control my anger.