You may have to be very direct with her and tell her that the next bill will be addressed to her. It's not like she's penniless and hungry. If she can afford those new clothes and tattoos, she can afford the phone bill. Adults take responsibilities and make choices. She may make some bad decisions, and she may have to go without some of her favorite things, but she'll learn and she'll grow.

You are not being mean, hon. You are being realistic. She needs to learn to take care of herself.

Definitely not being mean! If she can get those things then she can pay for the calls. It kinda sounds to me she wants it all bug not the responsibility that goes along with it.....sorry if that sounds mean I didn't mean it to be!

Perhaps some of this is about your need to redefine your relationship with your daughter's ex-boyfriend, which is what he is by now. You took him on as a "son", but that time has already passed as far as your daughter is concerned.

I don't think the money is the issue (although you will have to deal with it.) I think you and your daughter have to have a heart-to-heart talk about how both of your relationships with him will proceed from here.

It can't be expected that your daughter will give up 10 years of her life waiting for someone to get out of prison who will likely be completely changed by that time anyway. You, as the mom, established a relationship with him that was appropriate for a potential mother-in-law. Obviously, that potential is now past.

West, who do you think you are in relation to this young man? Everyone in prison needs someone on the outside to be a supporter. Maybe the phone calls should really be for you, not her.

Its been my experience that one of the hardest things about having someone you love suddenly taken out of your life and incarcerated for a long period of time is the decision you make about loyalty to that person. First, you have to decide what you think and feel about what they did. Then you have to assess your feelings about that person and how their actions/absence from your life affect your relationship. This is incredibly challenging because incarceration puts someone's life "on hold". It freezes it to a certain extent.

Your daughter has moved on to be with someone else, but she has not unfrozen her relationship with the young man in prison. Neither have you. The money is not the issue. It is just a symbol of the issue.

I get it that young adults often feel like their parents should keep paying for things. But, I think in this case, it is really about being frozen in a situation that can no longer exist. Not paying you keeps things frozen in time. Not telling the young man in jail that she has a new boyfriend keeps your daughter frozen.

Its time to face reality. If you want to keep a relationship with this young man, great! West, he very likely needs you as a supporter, but you will not be his mother-in-law. Who will you be? Only you can decide how you will redefine yourself in relation to him.

Best wishes and we're here for you!

Peek

You're not mean. If she has moved on she should tell her ex and there is no need for her to be on the phone with him all the time...especially on your dime. If you want to keep in touch with him, by all means do it. But you are supporting him, she's not. Just tell her you're done paying for her phone calls and she needs to budget her money to pay for her own phone calls.

Don't stop supporting him. He needs you. Unfortunately she's not. Being with someone else and not telling him it's over is just cruel. She's not expected to wait for him, but you want to be his friend and there is nothing wrong with that. Good luck.

Hi West - I know exactly where you are coming from. My daughter does things like this too. I do think that for whatever reason some young people in this generation have a sense of entitlement. I went through something similar (remove the SIL part) becasue she was about to lose her car (which I helped finance) becasue she was not making the payments - I caught the payments up for her and she promised to keep them up and of course pay me back in small increments. About a month later she lets me know that she is going to be gone for about a week becasue she is going on a cruise with her friends - I blew a gasket! The first thing I did was check the car payments to make sure the money I gave went to them and that they were caught up!

Personally I think you should tell your daughter that your relationship with the former boyfriend is a personal relationship - it has nothing to do with her. Then do not talk about it or him with her. As my daughter got older I had to say something to her that was quite difficult for me but I did it and that was the words ... "It is none of your business" seemingly simple but I had to let her now that although I love her unconditionally that my life is not hers and I deserved the same respect I always tried to give her. As you know young women often take things very personally - I am almost sure that your daughter takes what the former SIL did personally as a reflection on her in some way. You and I also know that what she felt for him was not true love (unconditional love) and that is ok. But I agree that she should tell him the truth - I think you should tell her that he needs the truth and if she cannot give it to him you will.

You have not been mean you are just seeing the reality and your daughter is probably too young to see it that way.

No, I don't think Westy is being mean; she is being practical. But like all parents sometimes it is tough to put our foot down when we feel our children are misbehaving.

On another note, to all the mothers, fathers, and loved ones of not only registrants, but to all parents. There is a rule I always use when I "loan" money to my children-----Don't loan any amount of money you cannot afford to lose because there is a good chance you will never get that money back.

Kids will pay everyone else they owe, but old mom and dad have to wait. They will buy the new clothes, the fancy computer, and make payments on their plastic credit card, but the fact that they owe mom and dad is forgotten.

As a parent, if you have not experienced this, just wait---you probably will.

I doubt they do this intentionally and when they borrow money, I truly believe they intend to pay it back, but it is too easy to take mom and dad for granted. After all, aren't they dear old mom and dad???

I cannot tell you how many hundreds---probably thousands----of dollars I "loaned" my son and daughter over the years when they were in a bind. I knew I would probably never get most of that money back and I didn't.

I don't suppose it matters much. When they needed the loan is was indeed for a valid reason and when I die everything I have will belong to them anyway.

If you "loan" them money without the expectation of getting it back, then you won't be disappointed when they forget to pay it back. ha ha

Another rule----you may divorce that first wife and the mother of your kids, but you can never divorce your kids. They won't let you----and most parents would not want to do that for all the money in the world.

Just my two cents.

rewdiazepam

You correct REW - my father taught me that - if you loan money to someone do it because you want to - knowing that you may never get it back. He also taught me that you have to be ok with that or not to loan the money. However, I do think that one should let them know that you do expect them to pay it back. However, now that I think of it my mother has always been one that loans money because she likes the power it gives her. She would hold it over my head until it was paid back making me hide things I bought or spent it on - I made a vow that I would never borrow from her again. So I do see both sides of this coin

You are not being mean. Your daughter needs to pay her own bills, and she needs to come clean with her boyfriend.

i must be the oddball in the bunch? if i borrowed money from my parents i always paid it back. i might not have made strict monthly payment but i did pay it back.

west, as to the daughter? if she no longer considers herself in a relationship with the one in prison, why is she still speaking with him on the phone? as a friend? would have been a cold day in hell that i ever would have expected my parents to pay for me to do or take long distance calls with a 'friend'. especially as an adult with my own money.

has she told him that the relationship is done? if not then she needs to do so immediately. it's not fair to him, the new guy and especially to you. that little 'job' should NOT be left up to you to do! no ifs ands or buts!!!!

your relationship with the 'sil' is personal to you and private. if she wants to maintain any kind of contact with him then she needs to step up and maintain it herself!!!

Thanks for all your replies......

It is not about the money. In fact i put money on a phone account so he can call me!

I guess it is a matter of principle. Who's principle? Doesnt matter.

Peek......you are dead on. I need to redefine my relationship with him. He will not be who i wanted him to be. He will not marry my daughter this year. He will not be the father of my grandchildren.

We have all heard the saying of "living precariously through our children". I guess thats where i am. I wanted him to be my son in law.

So i need to move on. I will still write, talk, visit, and most importantly support him. My daughter is ok with that.

As for her to move on......she is scared. She calls me crying. She tells me she misses him so much. She cries in bed missing the man who has made such an impact in many lives. I cant force her to tell him. I can only encourage her to do the right thing. I told her from the get go that i support her no matter what. She needs to do this on her own account.

Then i feel bad for him. But really? He put us all in this situation. What does he expect?

It does not matter what he expects. What does matter is that he is treateted with dignity and respect. And even though he f__ked up, he is still a wonderful man who is loved by many.

Buy a bag of writing supplies and stamps.....make her pay you for it .....and tell her welcome to reality.