It would never be easier if he died.... That would be a waste of a good person. Some of you are going to find that both you and your loved one in prison are far stronger than you ever imagined. Yeah it is tough, yeah it sucks having no control and what seems like an endless sentence for both of you.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger....

I remember, the first year was the absolute worst when my husband and back then only my boyfriend was first in prison. I was so worried about him and his well being that I was sure he was going to get beat up or worse. I was positive...

I learned I was so frelling wrong (watching Farscape lately) that I should have been slapped silly by a thousand pieces of spaghetti. I learned that he was a survivor like myself, while not the fighter I am, he will not perish either. I learned that prison while not great, was survivable. All of you will learn this too.

Don't give up hope, try not to let those thoughts of terrible things that 'could' happen when he gets out, or what life would be like if this hadn't happened, etc. It will only anger and frustrate you. You don't know what is going to happen or the climate in which he'll enter. You also don't know if this young man would have still been with your daughter, change is inevitable, resistance if futile and things like that can change especially when they are all younger still finding their place and purpose in the world.

I'm so glad I read this post, and see that so many others had thought the same thing I have -- that it would have been better had he died. And for me, if he would have died while still deployed, he would have been a war hero, instead of what he is now -- someone I can't talk to anyone in this town about. It's hard to even type those words, thinking it would have been better . . . I'm also afraid of what is going to happen when my son gets out, and wondering how long it will be til then. He has such a long sentence, I keep hoping that things will have changed by then.....

I have the same feelings about my husband. If he had died, I would have been able to publicly express my grief and get condolences in return. Instead I am grieving the loss of my family and have no one I can tell that to and no one to comfort me. If he had died, me and my kids would be healing instead of still hurting 18 months later. So I definitely understand those emotions.

I think we can compare the loss of our loved ones to the 5 stages of grief. It is a loss to lose them to the prison system. Although it is not permanent....in some cases it is....it is a loss.

Never would i wish him dead.

The hard part is going through the stages but it really doesnt have an end. It is ongoing. There is no closure. I am grateful he is alive. I mourn the fact he can not be with us in the sense of everyday living. I think closure will come in time. The last step is acceptance. I guess i am not there yet.

After talking to him the other day i see a difference in him. He is becoming what i feared. His zest for life and enthusiasism has lessened. He is becoming cynical. It is very hard for me.

There will come a day he walks out. And i will be there. And i will help him anyway i can.

In the meantime....i will enjoy writing him and talking to him and telling him i love him.

We all need to hang in there. Just some days are harder than others.