West - were you able to visit over the holidays? This whole situation sucks in so many ways - the affect on families and family members is astounding

Vent as much as you like. I am rowing the boat sitting next to you. Feeling the same way. There is always such a bag of mixed emotions concerning these situations. There are days when I truly cannot find my sea legs. I flip flop between feeling anger towards my son, and crying bitterly because I miss him so much.

It is 19 months now, and you would think I would have come to terms with it all, but unfortunately that doesn’t seem to be the case. Just last night I was thinking I would probably be able to deal with things better had he died, but I’m not sure. Been there, done that, and right now it feels different, but at the time I don’t believe it did. I’ve just had longer to come to terms with it. Maybe in 20 yrs or so, if I live that long, I will have come to terms with this as well.

I have had some good days, I just seem to have a hard time staying there. I would never wish this on anyone, but according to the statistics, with the rate of incarceration in the United States, there will be more and more people in the same boat. What a horrible thought.

I tell my son, and it has become my mantra as well………This too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever, and if it does, I won’t be around to see it so it won’t matter.

I wish the best for your daughter. I know she is having a hard row to hoe. I hope things get better for her. It is difficult to see our children struggling

It's been four years for me, and I still struggle from time to time. That is why I love this site, it just helps to validate that I am not alone.

I know your thoughts, I've had them. This is still new to me, soon to be 3 months since his arrest. Our family is stuck looking at his belongings, the smell of his cologne and soap in the bathroom, what to do with his laundry, all his movies, music, games, and all his personal stuff we now have to sort through. Yes, we've thought at times it would have been easier if he passed away. At least that would have given us closure. But, we keep going. No, not everyday is better. Some days it feels as though we are right back at the beginning. However, that is just one day. There are so many days to come. And we are forever grateful he is still here. We know his road is going to be even harder than ours. But we are family. We will get through this. One step at a time. Reach out to trusting friends, get back into your church if your religious, find something to help bring some sort normal back into your life. I know we try hard every day. And eventually our hope is we no longer will have to try to find that normal life. That life will have found it's way back. Again, the road is long, but you can do it. Hang in there. You most certainly are not alone.

MistyU: "according to the statistics, with the rate of incarceration in the United States, there will be more and more people in the same boat. But on the internet we find we are really not alone and isolated and can share anything and find support.

There is a poem I like. I've changed it around a little to suit my/ our situation but here it is:

they came (from everywhere and nowhere) forming a large centipede of careful shadows,
searching from the recesses of the internet, finding a home,
surprised at being so numerous, at discovering in these new faces
a kind smile, a pair of eyes to look into on passing without mistrust.

My gift to you "kind friends" for when we find ourselves in the next boat...

The real poem (unchanged by me) is From Exodus by Mexican Poet Jaime Torres Bodet

West et. All,

It's always good to hear from you....letting us know you are still in the fight. Vent away! That's what we're here for...

It has been 3 years for me and i still struggle now and then. I also have to say i thought it would of been better if he had died as it would of been a permanent thing. You grieve for them as if they were dead but they are not.
I don;t know about others but when i see him sometimes it brings everything back to light and i have a hard time. Other times i see him and it makes life so much better and i feel great.
Everyone deals with everything differently. Just take your time and heal at your own pace. Just like anything in life it will come back and get you every now and again.
Prayers to you and your daughter

Tsmom you have it on the button there! At the time of my husbands arrest I thought the same, it would be easier if he was dead. I could carry on, there would be no choice in it, I would just have to go it. I'm grateful he isn't as I love him dearly but boy is it hard. I hated the thoughts I had but I think at one point we have all had similar ones.

And unfortunately it is going to continue in this country until the people wake up and smell the coffee - as we saw in another thread other countries warn their citizens about traveling to the USA - it is not just sex crimes. Now the main folks leading the charge for higher wages (mostly started with Walmart employees) are reporting that they are being watched and investigated by the FBI (maybe gestapo is a better title for them now) - I hate to say it but our country is on a huge downward spiral and mass incarceration is a big part of it. You will find many people going through the pain that you are - they say there is strength in numbers so I guess we must be gaining strength - time will tell ....

I am glad I am not the only ones with these thoughts. Being a sex offender never ends...when you get out of prison you just serve your next sentence which is for life. You don't just do your time like a robber, murderer, etc. You will have a hard time finding a job, finding a place to live, etc. My thoughts everyday are what will my son do when he gets out and most of his family could be gone (died) by then. Who will help him the day he walks out of prison?
I love seeing my son every 2-3 months and we are fortunate enough to me able to email several times a day along with the occasional phone call but as family we deal with this everyday, this is our new life. I love my son more than anything and worry about him everyday and try to move on but it is very hard. Coming here helps and hurts if that makes sense.

DEEBIE0403: if as you say, "My thoughts everyday are what will my son do when he gets out and most of his family could be gone (died) by then. Who will help him the day he walks out of prison? " Why not do/find a group engaged in improving the re-entry system now? It might help both you and your son to be engaged in an organization that helps those in the same situation you fear your own son will someday face? There are a lot of others on linked-in and other places trying to advocate for a fairer system right now. Maybe some action like that could help someone (and your son eventually) while easing your hurt and lifting despair.
It would at least give you and your son another (hopeful) topic to discuss and share progress. When I was visiting in prison some people's visits over the years gradually petered out, not because they stopped loving each other but because with a long sentence ( or even life-without) hope gradually died in the ensuing silence. You don't want your visits to just end up being an endless catalog of how other family members lives are continuing, how kids are growing up and leaving, doctor's visits...dreams deferred forever... In my experience Prison becomes their world if they aren't careful. That's what makes re-entry iffy and perilous even when people have waited years to be on the outside.
They don't need reminders that life is passing them by. They need to hear about (maybe participate in?) activities aimed at joining with other to improve the future at least for someone.
Those times I visited in Prison, it was the long haul couples / parents who watched as dreams died, as they and their loved one grayed, became more and institutionalized, they were the ones who finally came to dread seeing each other... as visitors with news from the outside, we can do a lot to creating common ground by investing in making a better future...in your case maybe finding a group supporting Re-entry even for SO's ?

Thanks for letting me vent. Glad i am not alone in this. Your thoughts and kind words made my day better.

And yes Advocate....i was able to see him in prison when i flew home in December. Already planning to see him in June when i fly home again.

And Misty maybe we should share rowing the boat. That way when i am tired you row and vice versa!

I also called his Mom last nite. We shared some tears and laughter. I am glad i did because i totally forgot about his birthday on Friday. So i went out today and got a card.

Speaking of cards....it sure isnt easy finding cards appropriate for prison. Most of them were like all about partying. It took buying a card with cats on it and a funny quote. I think the card industry needs a new line of cards for those in prison. More of uplifting types. Just a thought.

I would be honored to be your rowing partner

I'm so glad to have come here tonight after a day of gut wrenching crying. It's only be four months for me, my son is still in jail, court date coming up in Feb. Will I still be alive when he gets out? I don't know...his grandfather? His dog? Probably not. I also had wished for death, as much as I love him - with death you eventually get to start putting one foot in front of the other to move forward. You don't get to do that with this....ever...because when they get out, the sentence continues. I have to sell my home, find somewhere else for us to live eventually or leave the money to him so he can start over when he gets out - IF he survives, because I think before this is over, he will commit suicide, if not in jail or prison, then when he has to face life after. He was an awesome storm, sky, nature photographer, he saw beauty in all things. He won't know how to live the life he'll be sentenced to afterwards. I'm really glad to know I'm not alone too...but I'm more lonely than I've ever been in my life.

brokenmom, you may be lonely but you are not alone. All of us are experiencing a rollercoaster of feelings and it's so hard to make sense of all these emotions. It's heart breaking and we understand. It's so difficult, especially in the beginning, and it's only been four months for you. The unknown is the worse part so after February you will have a better idea of what you are dealing with. Hopefully your son has an experienced lawyer in this arena. Take one day at a time. You need to take care of yourself and stay strong for both of you. Try to find a good friend/family member who you can confide in who will not judge. Or even talk therapy, which did help me in the beginning months. I know it's hard to imagine right not, but I truly believe your son will make it through this and so will you. His life will be different when he gets out, but he'll appreciate beauty more than ever before and life will go on for all of you. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Many on this site have sons in the same situation and I'm sure they can help you, too.