Any "prior bad acts", especially if they have nothing to do with this case, might be inadmissible under California law.

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Apparently California has very lienent laws, and it will be admissable. It is maddening. I know that this is out of my control, but I seriously feel helpless. I even have a ex best friend that is going on the stand, and claiming some crap. With friends like that who needs enemies...So F. them. Called me the other night to let me know they were supboena'd. What the hell you think I am going to say? If you say something to the police you WILL be called, so don't know what to do with that one. Just trying to stick to other things this week that need to be done and take it from there.

I feel for you. My (hopefully soon-to-be EX) daughter-in-law makes nasty comments all the time, and said something after my son's sentencing -- can't remember the exact words -- bur something about supporting a criminal instead of the victims. I love my grandkids, but I also love my son, and she just has no empathy for anyone else's feelings (except her own). Sorry, there's no love lost there at all.

I hope things go better for your son. My ex-husband had to bring up something that happened when our son was only 13, which of course the DA brought up at sentencing, even though there were never any charges brought against our son back then, and my son got 30 years. I still think it was totally unfair.

I think it is unfair too. If there was any other kind of criminal charge, they would try to rehabilitate. Or be willing to go easy on these young men. But not with SO. It is so sad, and a waste of their lives. I do not live in the state that (if the jury decides this way) that he will be convicted in. His father and I are so sad, that probably by the time he does get out we will be dead and gone.....So sad. I am trying to remain hopeful and asking god for grace.

A mother that is expecting you to abandon your child (which is your daughter) of all people should understand. They are angry and being blinded by that will bring out that betrayal feeling too. You are doing the proverbial 'right thing' by supporting your son, it will be hard for your daughter to accept that right now because she is also looking at it from a mother's perspective, but it is her two daughters.

My father a retired OB/GYN always said, "Never get between a mother and her cub. There is nothing more dangerous than a mother that fears for its offspring." And of course the memorable line from the movie Enough, "You have a divine animal right to defend your life and the life of your offspring." That is how nature works, that is what mothers are... It may take your daughter years to learn this, but it is the truth and that is coming from a childless person, even I know the score when it comes to mothers and their offspring.

Thank you so much. that will give me some strength. It is so emotional. hard just to get through my days here.
But I am constantly in prayer. Please keep my son in yours.

To me, this is an example of the worst part of the sex offense issue...the splitting of families. I remember reading about it years ago and thinking that it couldn't be THAT bad. How wrong I was! When it happened in my family, I was totally shocked. Granted, my husband abused our granddaughter. He's in prison serving a sentence he deserved, but I never thought I would be so hated for standing by him. After all, he is my husband. I made a promise to stand by him, my finances are tied in with his. Its incredibly difficult to just cut loose someone you are so connected to.

Tearsforson, I totally understand your situation. I was cut off from the family for helping my own husband because that proved that I "betrayed" the victim. Pardon me, but what garbage! In such a difficult situation, everybody needs and deserves support. This is family, not some stranger jumping out from behind a park bench to grab a kid. Someone going to prison needs someone on the outside to help them. I needed my husband to help me straighten out our life together, which was severely disrupted.

I'm not discounting the anger, but this thing about "betraying the victim" because you care about the person who erred is such a destructive and false attitude. It delays any healing and thrusts victims deeper and deeper into the victim mentality.

Abuse is cruel under any circumstance, but taking an eye for an eye is not the answer. Like you, I didn't do anything to "betray the victim". I would have been there for them, too, but I guess being vindictive is in style...or something. People just don't seem to know a better way to act.

You're all absolutely right. It is very difficult to be the in between person. Daughter did not feel like I was choosing one over the other. I was there supporting both her and hubby. So called friends abandoned me, when I refused to leave, and has caused tension with family. Some still think that I chose him over daughter - that is so far from the truth.

Some think of you stay, it means you supported their behavior, which we all know that isn't the case. I'm proud of you for standing up for your son Tears. I know it's hard to loose family over this, but the grandchildren have support, without you, your son would have none.

the very hardest thing is to be caught in the middle and torn both ways!! you love all of them and it's not fair for anyone to try and make a decision that is yours and yours alone.

they simply don't understand that while you don't condone the actions done, that the love is still there. i sometimes wonder if there is much of anything that could and can kill the love that a true mother has for her child?

Agreed. Its sad when people can't separate the behavior from the person. Its kind of like how we always love our kids but we don't always like them. I can love my husband while being furious over what he did. What he did is behavior. Behavior can be changed. He is still the same loving, gentle person I have always known him to be. I love him, but he has to work on his behavior.

Well, The fact that there is a possibility that I will testify is the hair of the camel that will likely break the camels back. But I will try (at some point) next week to contact my daughter, and see if she wants to meet me for dinner. She just had a grandaughter which I have not seen. It is her choice. If they choose to continue to ban me, then it is their loss....I have to stay true to myself

Thank you all for your support!!!!!!!

staying true and not being swayed or forced to do something that is so wrong is the very best choice!

good luck and prayers for you and your son!!!!

It is hard being both mom and grandmom, being related to both sides of the issue. I feel for you. I, thankfully, am not cut off, but it is still difficult. On of my DIL's is fairly open. She is, at least, willing to listen to possibilities instead of just accepting things carte blanche. She is willing to look at possible reasons WHY things happened.

Hugs.

That's interesting, Deenamom, that your DIL is interested in the "why". My family cut that part out completely. They had no interest in looking at things except from their own narrow view. They considered the offense a black-and-white issue. My stepson made his Dad completely bad for the rest of his life with no thought for anything but his own idea of retribution and hate.

What kind of life is that? How can anyone live with such vindictiveness? Is being "right" worth so much misery? Not only that, but is being "right" worth so much ongoing misery? It never really ends when you don't consider the WHY as an important aspect of the situation. People get so frozen in hate. Its no wonder victims have such a hard time healing.

Let's be real. People are often horribly harmed by actions that are considered sex offenses. But why would we do them such a great disservice by NOT dealing with the issues that led to the acts and then seeking forgiveness.

Frankly, I just don't get it! Why do people CHOOSE to bury themselves in hate. Even worse, why do people do this to children?

I really believe that some day people are going to learn to have a more balanced perspective on this issue. We can't go on double-dosing damage on people who have truly been victims by also have the expectation that they carry their hate and their victimhood and their damage around with them forever. Instead, we separate them from the very people who could actually provide them with love and assistance to heal.

Its a sad, mad world.

When I first got involved in this issue several years back, their were people who would always counter every comment about offenders with "what about the victim"? I say, "Yeah, what ABOUT the victim?" Why is it so necessary to create "sides"? Why can't we resolve these issues as loving, caring adults?

People make the assumption that if you have concern for an abuser that you automatically do not care for the victim. This is an enormous misconception that leads to great harm for everybody, but especially the person who was harmed in the abuse interaction.

I get it that people need emotional distance after being harmed. What I don't get is the need to perpetuate harm through habitually repeating hateful attitudes. I just don't get it.

I agree Peek. That is why when I address the issue, I also explain that daughter is a victim. I advocate for both sides. I want reform for those who have turned their life around and is rehabilitated, and I advocate for prevention of abuse - for the victims.

It's not a choosing of sides, you can support both.