From my standpoint, there is a lot to take in here.

If my fiance violated his probation and had to spend time in jail (he almost has, it didn't get quite to that point), I would have to evaluate what that violation was, and if it was something that I felt would affect us in the long term. Secondly, getting a medical marijuana card without talking about it with you is sort of shady to me. I don't know how long you all have been together, but if you are looking for a future with him, this shows a red flag to me. I don't know how the laws in your state work or what his relationship is with his PO, but that seems strange to me. My state doesn't have medical marijuana and my fiance never has done drugs nor has a desire to, so it is not something I will ever have to deal with. I know that if he were taking medicine, even if it was just cough syrup and he has to do a UA, he tells them so it doesn't look like he is doing anything illegal. This is a big decision and that is something I would think he would talk to you about. What medical problem is this for? I have no issues with medical marijuana. If he is using for mental issues, I don't necessarily agree with it. I guess it depends on the mental issue he is using it for.

In the end this is up to you, and how it affects how you feel. He just recently got out of jail for a violation, is showing no affection and went and got a medical marijuana card without talking to you. That would be a lot for me to take in. I would be angry too. Maybe you should take a step back and re evaluate where you guys stand, relationship wise, life wise etc. Not leave him, just maybe think on it. Maybe talk to him about it. If he got this without his PO's approval, I wouldn't stand for that at all.

Thanks so much for the advice. I am furious and seriously considering ending the relationship over this. We have been together 10 months now and I love the guy but after him just getting out a week ago and then him pulling this, it infuriates me.. I don't have anything against medical marijuana either and its legal here in California but in his case this was not something that he had to make a priority once he got out and the only reason he did was because they told him he was not going to be drug tested anymore because he clearly didn't do drugs so he took that as an ok to go to do this I guess. My biggest issue with it, is if it is a parole violation he's willing to risk going back to jail and go through this crap all over again just so he can get high. I already put up with so much, all the rules and restrictions and just the past two months dealing with him being locked up and only a week out and this is what happens. Then if you add the other issues we are having in our relationship since he's been back, I am at my breaking point and my patience has run out. I am definitely going to take some time to think this all over because the way I feel right now I would just break up with him. Thanks again for responding.

The fact that he didn't ask permission from his PO before getting the marijuana card shows some poor judgement. Maybe he has PTSD after his prison experience and wants to self medicate.

I've "been there" but with all due respect, we are not his Parole /Probation Officer and not his Warden and he won't appreciate it if you think you are just trying to help...He will only hear it as you nagging him. As far as sex: no man wants to sleep with his "Mommy/warden" AND . What he does/did/plans to do to get violated is not your problem. If you are living with a sex offender or anyone on parole for whatever reason, his parole conditions end up being your "Conditions." This means if he can't have alcohol in the house, you can't bring alcohol into the house. etc. etc. etc. Just don't you do stuff in your house that will get him violated (like bringing alcohol in and putting a bottle of wine in your refrigerator) Other wise, if he does stupid stuff and gets himself violated...well he knows better and he should be the one to worry. You won't go back to jail/prison/etc. etc. unless YOU do something criminal. SO cut the worry. Let him worry and let him get violated because he will only keep on keeping on Then he'll turn on you and tell you to shut up "You aren't the warden" Sorry but I've been there, done what it sounds like you are doing and things just went from bad to worse.

Take the parole out of this for a moment, and give it a slightly more objective look. Your BF is not showing you any affection AND is not discussing important and potentially life-altering decisions with you (ex Where did he get the card? For what diagnosis? What doctor? Etc.). So he is essentially calling all the shots and expecting you to go along with them after the fact.

Does that sound reasonable to you? If one of your best friends or your sister (if you have one) came to you and said her BF was doing this, what would you tell her?

PS What diagnosis is very important. I have a friend who gets MM for Crohn's Disease. I had another who received it has part of hospice for cancer treatment. Currently (as far as I have been able to tell, anyway, based on searching just now), the only mental health condition that allows MM (in *some* states) is PTSD.

I think Arizona, Colorado, and Rhode Island are the only three states that allow MM for use by those on probation or parole for medical reasons.

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Well I appreciate all the advice, thank you. We live in California and here all you have to do is go to a clinic and tell them you have migraines or back pain and they will give you a script for Marijuana. Its not hard at all to get lol I don't have a problem with marijuana and he says he does have some chronic pain because of the work he does but my only issue is this not being allowed by his PO and a reason for his PO to lock him up again and the fact that he didn't discuss it with me at all before. As for the being a nagging warden, I get that but up until this point I have kept my mouth shut and have been nothing but supportive with everything he is going through. He doesn't get nagged, its quite the opposite because I have been real easy on him. When I posted this I had not even talked to him yet because I wanted a chance to clear my head and hear from others point of view. The no sex and affection problem has been since he's gotten back and was before this issue even came up so that's not the reason. I just wanted to know if anyone thought there was a chance a PO, any PO would be ok with this medical marijuana thing...? Thanks Rew, that's helpful!

First off, I believe you do have a share in all this, and thinking that it is ok to take mm is not enough. He needs to know and get approval from the PO. They can test him any time, and just because he has not had problems with failed drug tests in the past, does not mean they won't test him again. My guy gets tested once a month, and his offense had nothing to with drugs at the least. If he does not care about going back to jail, he does not care about you, or he is too out of it to think about what matters. You are part of this ordeal and you do have a say in all this. Does he live with you, or does he have his own place? I understand that he does not want a babysitter, but I also understand that you don't want to go through this again. He has to want to be better and avoid future jail time, and if he doesn't want to do it for himself, he can at least do it for you. Tell him that all this is taking a toll on you, too, and you just want to be sure that he is following all the rules. Did he enjoy the 2 months in jail? I doubt it, so why risk going back? It is always better to know than to assume.

@CK - I remember your posts from a few months ago when your guy was going back in for the violation. A number of people here have already posted what I would say.

Your BF is definitely not thinking properly. Does your BF have a therapy group as well as his regular PO visits? That's two sets of people who would need to know about the MM besides you. If nobody knows, then this is a secret. If it is a secret, it has power. Keeping a secret for MM is mentally similar to keeping a secret for what got him in trouble in the first place. In other words - his BEST THINKING GOT HIM IN TROUBLE THE FIRST TIME. He is still thinking the same way. Sorry for the shouting, it is not aimed at you. It's for your BF. If he is still thinking the same way, he will get violated at some point or another on his own.

Should you be a nag? No. It will not help, but you know that already. :) I think you really need to evaluate how well your relationship is working, but you know that too. From my perspective - he is disrespecting you because he is not taking his P&P seriously.

There is a deeper issue in his behavior than just the MM. If you can figure out what that is - that would be a good thing. I am hoping and praying for you - this is tough for you. You need to take care of yourself.

Thanks everyone for all the sound advice. I do not live with him so we haven't gotten a chance to really sit down and talk but we will very soon. On the phone though we discussed it some and I told him that it has to go unless his PO says its ok or I go. I can't stay in a relationship just waiting for the next shoe to drop and if he doesn't value his freedom or our relationship more than that, that he would risk going back to jail then I cant be with him. My dad was an alcoholic and so I know no matter how much I cry, nag, or threaten he's going to do what he wants ultimately. I can't babysit him 24/7 nor do I want to so we're going to talk and hopefully work it out. I think being in jail even for the 2 months had a real affect on him because he's acting differently and has this new I don't give a fk attitude.. so I am going to talk to him and find out what's really going on. It's not like us to have deep emotional conversations because we both have a hard time expressing emotions wo joking but I think I have to because I need to know what's going on and what we can do to help. Thanks again everyone!