For 15 years, there has been a noose around my neck, An imaginary rope slowly strangling the life out of me. Sometimes when the world seems right, and I find even the slightest joy, the noose relaxes and I am able to breathe for that short time. I try often to remove that rope from my neck, and its then when I realize that it will never be gone, as long as I am alive, as long as my heart continues to beat, as long as there is a registry that is motivated to kill me, I will never breathe normally again. Once a strong man with hopes and dreams, I am now nothing but a shell. The fear is intense, the label is forever. I look at others and only wish I had their life, the freedom to walk with my head up high, the freedom to be a normal person once again. Sometimes, just when the sun is setting, when the air is still and the ground is warm, I think of those in my life who have gone on to a better place, and I become jealous. Just the thought of closing my eyes and waking up next to God is a relief and the noose loosens, but once again reality sets in. The sky looks black, the ground becomes cold, the wind begins to blow in all the wrong directions, I don't know which way to stand I don't know which way to move, the noose grows even tighter, my fear widens as I look to God for answers, the tears flow, my heart pounds and I feel the end is in sight. A slow death, a horrible painful death awaits me. I know that there is no legacy for me, just a label that will follow me for all eternity. I wont be remembered for any of the good in my life that I accomplished, or the people I have helped through out the years, I wont be remembered for who I once was, my legacy will be an RSO.
Too much pain, too much loss, too much depression, too much fear. One mistake, cost me my life, if life is what you want to call it, I really don't see life, what I see is death. The death of a soul, the death of dreams, the death of hope.