For the last 14 years, everyday, I have thought that maybe the only way to end my nightmare was suicide. If I ended it all maybe I could finally rest. For 14 years, My life has changed in ways I never imagined, I dont know how much longer I can go on. Some days are better but most are bad. The stigma of being labeled something you are not has taken its toll. 5 heart attacks a double bypass surgery, PTSD and panic attacks are more then my body can handle. No where to turn as the system does not care if I am dead, but alive they want to keep punishing me until my heart no longer works. I never touched another human being inappropriately never hurt anyone ever in my life. I have missed both of my sons parent teacher conferences, school open houses, and so much more. 14 years ago, I had to beg my wife to divorce me, because protecting my boys was the most important thing to me, I gave up everything to make sure they were not affected by my label, but I am filled with guilt for missing out on so much with my boys. This is not the legacy I wanted to leave for my children. As far as the state sees me, I am a monster, I am a sick person, I am the lowest form of life, maybe they are right, maybe Im a sick bastard that needs to burn in hell, but for what? maybe if I committed suicide, they will be happy that its one less RSO they have to monitor. I dont see an end, I only see it getting worse, the nightmares, the horror, the constant humiliation. I am so close to the edge, that I am petrified. I know I am not alone, but I feel very much alone, I feel isolated from society, I only feel fear. I think I have cried an ocean of tears, everyday for the last 14 years. Many times I hid in my closet in the dark, afraid to move, afraid to take those bottles of pills, fighting back the urge not to do it. If I had known in 1998 the ramifications of me pleading no contest in 1998, I would have fought harder for myself, but my attorney knowing I had spent every cent I had and was broke, made me believe that it would all be over after I finished my 2 1/2 years of probation, was he ever wrong. If you ask if I pray, I do, but god does not listen to me, he sees my tears, feels my hurt, feels my pain, but he walks away, so maybe in Gods eye I belong in hell. I feel that me surviving 5 heart attacks meant that he wants me to suffer more before he finally takes my life from me. But honestly, I died 14 years ago when I said- NO CONTEST, just please let this nightmare end, but after I said those words, my nightmare only began. So I sit here now praying for God to finally hear me and beg him to take my life, or let me take my own.