I am a former inmate and no you are not being selfish.

I have seen these communication problems many times with inmates and their loved ones.

http://tinyurl.com/nfway7e

The problem is that you both are in "survival mode" and as a result you do not listen well to each other. It is not really anyone's fault, but it rather is the nature of prison and your situation.

He is in such a survival mode that he is forgetting the you have responsibilities out here also. He is not selfish, but he is thinking so much about his own survival that he forgets about yours.

You two may not be talking TO each other, but talking AT each other. When that happens communication no longer becomes a give and take proposition and the meaning is lost.

Explain to him your responsibilities as I described in the link above. He probably has never stopped to think about what you go through. Like all humans, he is anxious and wants things done, but you have a life also.

rewdiazepam

It might be a lack of understanding on his part yep theres not much at all for them to do in there and yep they can be pretty good at finding stuff for us to do. Have you got power of attorney? If not have a look on the net when you got time it may help with his medical care infection can hurt even a slight one.

I am his emergency contact but not power of attorney I will look into that. And I will read your post after dinner Rew....I need to feed the masses.

I work very hard to talk to him...even to the point of saying we need to not talk about this right now but in a little while so we can sort out feelings and anger and actually talk. I am new to that as my ex husband of 15 years wanted nothing to do with communication. But I will look at what and HOW I have been saying what we talk about from now on. :)

First point... it really upsets me that these guys serve their country and are treated so bad when out. If they didn't do anything horrible, they should cut them some slack, not be so harsh on them. They went to serve our country so all of us were safe. And now who protects them.

Secondly, I am not married to mine either. Been with him 15 years, through hell and good times. WE don't have any rights because we aren't married to them. It sucks.

Third, no you are not being selfish. Whether it's right or not he is in there, he has to know that you have things to do. Responsibilities, obligations. KIDS!!! You have to survive for them, him and yourself.

Third, they do seem to think of only themselves in there. Sure maybe they got screwed, but so did we. We lost them, their help, their companionship, their financial support.

So many of us go broke while they are gone. We suffer from depression, but still have to hold jobs and keep our homes. And a home for them. I don't have kids, those that do have it more than doubly hard.

I too, have the call this person, look up that, why didn't you look it up? Why don't you do what I ask? Well????? I have other things to do, as you said, like a job, a family, older parents to help, figure out everything by myself.

When our cars break down, or our pipes freeze up in the cold, WE have to figure it out. They aren't here. Sure they can advise us what to do, but mostly I can't fix these things.

Mine decided the car should just sit and I should get another car til he gets home. It runs fine, but he loves it. He don't want it shot by the time he gets out.

Gee, I was laid off, finally found a job, got sick, quit it and am now just starting another one. NO, I can't get another car. OMG they lose their sense of reality in there.

You aren't alone in this. Do the best you can to keep him calm, but ultimately you have to put yourself and your kids first.

NO YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH!!

Maybe it's time for you to eloquently write him the realities of your world letter. Easier than trying to talk to them on the phone about it. All that does is they hang up and things are worse.

Reading it, he may get mad at first, but after he calms down, he may feel bad what YOU are going through instead of feeling sorry for himself.

He is in there, right or wrong, so he has to deal with it and help YOU get through this too.

We grieve the loss of them in our life just as you grieve when a person dies. They are not here for us in any way that matters.

After awhile they don't even seem real, if you can't visit them. They are just a voice on the phone. It is hard to even visualize them with you. That's how I feel lately. I hold that phone with me like it is him. If he don't call, I yell at it.

We go through all kinds of emotions. Maybe you need to write those emotions and feeling in a letter.

A phone conversation, they can hang up. Been there, done that.

If you are just in the beginning of this emotions on all sides are high for awhile. Then you both with settle into the situation and learn to cope with it. Sure you will have things that upset and aggravate you, about each other, about the place he is at, about the guys in with him, and the guards. But you will adjust eventually.

I feel for you. Going through it all myself. AGAIN.. he went back in after only being home 10 months after being gone 3.5 years. Now he is in 2 more years. UGH!

I should of said I don't have kids at home to take care of. Mine are grown. I am a grandma now.

I don't know how I would go through this, being so emotional if I still had to deal with homework, carpools, and all that you are doing.

I hope you find a way to get through this.

every time I think we are ok I say something that sets him off. Hes having a issue with his knee right now and I know its important to get him the correct and due care. I understand that but not being familar with the legal system (this is my first ride on this roller coaster) and the questions a civil rights attorney will ask compared to a criminal attorney. I asked a question about what happened ages ago that started this and he said it was me being stupid...by the time we are off the phone I am furious and really cant voice my reasoning for all of the emotions I am feeling. I know the the stuff about his knee and can get that information to the right people, I have called several of them and emailed a few as well. but he seems to think yelling at me because hes frusterated is going to make me want to jump up and down for him. And I dont yell back I just listen to him (know hes feeling helpless) and that makes him mad because I wasnt answering him.

I know he needs things that he cant do for himself and needs me to do it - I have a better understanding of that now. And yes I think they lose their sense of reality...how hard it is to pay bills and keep things going. He has mentioned things we "should" do and why haven't I done this or that - because I am behind on my storage and barely manage to keep my head above water because I have 10 dollars in my bank account and making the minimum payments on the card so i can keep the phone turned on and food on the table and make things as normal as possiable for my kids....ugggggg

I agree with the rest, you are not being selfish! He is in that position because of what he did, not because of anything you did. It is important to remember this. You should be compassionate, without the guilt of feeling responsible.

In Ann Edenfield's book, "Family Arrested" she has this wonderful statement: "Do not apologize for your life outside of the prison. You did not break the law and place your spouse in prison. Rather, you are living alone and paying the price for his mistake in several ways everyday of your life."

Take Ann's advice to heart. She's not writing as a vindictive wife, but as a women raising her family alone. (She did not divorce her husband.)

I can't speak for Oregon's prison system, but here in Ohio I would label the care as minimalistic. My brother is in the system and closer to 70, so I get it! Your lack of influence has nothing to do with your unmarried state. It has everything to do with the State being in total control of the inmate. My experience in talking with others is kind, gentle persistence can get you further than an irate frontal assault on the system.

To be clear - never give up on your loved one! Every inmate on the inside, needs an advocate on the outside. However there are limits. I fully agree, you need to begin the conversation and set the expectations. Stay in touch.

Hugs!

George
www.leafministry.org

George thank you for that. I know its not a long term (in the big picture of life) but he sometimes forgets that I have day to day stuff to do (and I have a chronic illness - fibromyalgia - that kicks me down sometimes and until he lives with me in a flare he doesn't understand it fully). All that being said I am not giving up I have a lawyer I am speaking to who wants to help but crossing state lines isn't his strong point (washington and Oregon) so he is trying to find us one closer to us but if it doesnt work he may take it anyway. So holding patterns are where we stand right now and he sees them as no action being taken and pressure them by daily calling etc. is what I should be doing. He doesn't see the 9pm texts from an attorney who HASN'T TAKEN his case but is concerned none the less. I have never been in a postion like this and I can imagine its easy to lose touch with the "real world" day to day stuff because 1. it's not a priority for them and 2. it's easier if they don't think about it as they are missing it. Just sometimes hard to communicate that effectively without causing guilt or hurt feelings. We are trying and have our spats but in the end we are stronger together. :)
Cathie