Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
Hi everyone my son is in Prison hes 21 and i was waiting for a letter to see how hes doing but it was too hard to read. He just started an 8year sentence and im already having alot of Anxiety and feel heartbroken when i realize hes not here. As a father i wish things were different but that emptyness and Anxiety is very hard to deal with. Anybody have any advice on how to deal with it. Much appreciated.
I don't have a son in prison. I can only speculate that while his letters will always be difficult to read, they will also become a blessing as well.
Advise?
I find that people are more genuine and speak from the heart when writing. Perhaps find is time to become closer though those letters. Although you don't like this situation and may be angry, always be supportive. He may find himself getting into more trouble on the inside without it.
My heart goes out to you. Join us anytime you need to vent. : )
I am a guy, but a guy who went to prison for almost a decade a few years back. Usually I defer to all the great ladies here, but I saw your post and saw that you needed some hope and encouragement from someone who has actually been to prison.
Your son will be lost and possibly confused in the beginning, as prison is a completely different world. It is imperative as a parent that you tell him every time you talk to him that you love him unconditionally no matter what happens.
Your son is in a strange and terrible place and serving time with folks he probably does not know or trust. In the beginning he will look around and see things he hopes he never has to look at again. He will see things that will shock him, but that is part of prison.
But, dad, I can assure you that your son is not the only person there who is confused, filled with anxiety, sad, and bewildered. Many of the other inmates feel much the same way and are just sleep walking through life on a day by day basis. We seem to be suffering from an addiction to prisons in this country, so people from all walks of life find themselves incarcerated. Years ago, only the truly bad guys went to prison, but that is not the case today. People of all ages, economic background, or educational background, are sent to prison today. There will be lots of guy just like your son in prison.
No matter if your son is an extrovert or introvert, if he stays to himself, if he is not sure of himself, is scared, etc. he WILL MEET some other inmates in the exact same boat as he is. Being a little scared is not a bad thing as it makes him be aware of his surroundings and keeps him alert. A person who says he is not at least apprehensive of a place like prison in the beginning, is a person who is a liar.
He only has an eight year sentence, so I can assure you the prison he will be sent will not have murderers, rapists, kidnappers, and violent drug dealers. With his sentence being so short, he will most likely go to a minimum type facility instead of a medium where all the bad guys are.
He will be in an environment where the inmates are fairly well behaved and tend to follow the rules as opposed to a medium security prison where there are stabbings and beatings. With only an eight year sentence, there is no way in the world the DOC would expose a first timer to the hardened convicts; it would be a terrible security problem.
If you watch much television or go to the movies, you will see prison portrayed as a very difficult environment. As you watch the program, you may think to yourself, “These inmates do nothing all day but beat and rape each other on a 24/7 basis. This is so untrue. The movies and TV programs have to sensationalize prison to make the program more interesting to watch. In reality, prison is boring most of the time with men just sitting around playing cards, watching TV, or just BSing with the other inmates just biding their time until they can go home.
Violence is very rare at one of these minimum security prisons since most of the inmates are at the tail end of their sentences. They do not want to do something stupid like assaulting another inmate, as they would receive a misconduct, which would cause them to lose some good time and set their release date back for up to a year. By the time an inmate is at a minimum security prison, he wants to go home and concentrates on that instead of running prison games.
Some of the mothers I help have sons in medium security prisons, and I have to figure out how they can keep from being physically attacked, but your son will not have that to worry about.
So he WILL find someone in there to pal around with----and once he gets his feet on the ground, he will be fine. He will establish a daily routine---getting up, going to work, coming back to the cell, watching TV, and going to bed. This will make it easier for him.
As a parent, you should write him as often as possible----and then write some more. Visits are nice, but letters do something visits cannot do: He can keep the letters in his locker box and when he gets down and depressed---which happens to most guys---he can pick up that letter and re-read it for assurance that someone cares enough to write. On another note, when he receives a letter, one of the first things he needs to do is rip off the return address and flush it. Inmates are nosy sometimes and they have been known to steal addresses and start calling the person who wrote the letter. That is the last thing you want.
He will do fine if he does or does not do the following---
No snitching. It is rather obvious inmates do not like snitches, as many of them had partners in crime on the outside that snitched them off to get them to prison in the first place. Snitches are at the absolute bottom of the totem pole and the other inmates will hate him if he snitches. And, he has to get along with the other inmates.
Do not borrow items from another inmate and do not loan out anything either. Borrowing and getting in debt is also a good way for inmates to hate a person. In fact, at a medium---where your son will not go---not being able to pay a debt is the number one reason inmates get attacked and beaten. So he needs just to never borrow. On a side note, the interest rates are astronomical when someone borrows. Usually if an inmate borrows one package of Ramen noodles, he is expected to pay with two packages. The same thing goes if he borrows three packages, he will have to pay back with five packages.
It is also very important that he minds his own business and keep a low profile. Inmates do not like it when someone asks too many questions.
As a parent, you cannot do much for him except express your love for him. I can guarantee you that once he becomes acclimated to prison life, he will be doing much better than you are as far as the emotions are concerned. Most inmates adjust well after a period of time.
Of course, as a father, you will worry. If this situation begins to consume your life, make an appointment with your family physician and get started on some mild antidepressants. They newer family of antidepressants---the SSRIs---are very effective with few side effects. Two of the most popular antidepressants used are available on Wal Mart’s four dollar RX plan, which is a 30 day supply for four dollars or a 90 day supply for ten dollars.
Dad, it is always nice to have someone you trust to talk to, so you can bring your feelings to the forefront. A therapist---or just a trusted friend---can serve that purpose. The one thing you do not want is to allow all this anxiety to stay inside, as that is a good prescription for a mental meltdown. If your son ever needed you, he needs you now and if you have some form of mental breakdown you will not be able to help him.
Take one day at a time and try not to think too far in the future about things that may or may not ever happen.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to message me.
Good luck,
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Just happy to be able to help you. Nobody really knows prisons unless they have been there, so I thought I would give you some comfort.
Your son will be fine. He won't like the living conditions there, but he will not be harmed.
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With an eight year sentence, I am assuming his offense was not a violent crime, so in most states the 85% rule would not apply. Each state issues extra good time credits if an inmate holds a job and does not get into trouble, e.g. receives some misconducts for violating the rules.
These credits can sometimes be as high as 10 days per month. While that may not sound like much, it is 120 days a year, so it adds up.
Most states offer extra credit above the 10 days per year if the inmate enrolls in and completes certain programs. In my state the DOC gave 90 credits for a GED diploma or the completion of a nine month vo tech course. But there are a lot of smaller programs---anger management, RBT (rational behavior therapy), etc, which he can take to earn 30 days good time credit.
In my state, an inmate could earn his normal good time credits for holding a job and having good behavior PLUS the extra credits he might get for completing a program. But under no circumstances was an inmate able to earn more than 90 days extra credit per year for programs.
Once he is acclimated in prison, he can ask some of the inmates about these programs. They will know which programs offer the most good time credits.
Hope this helps.
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