The up & down emotions must be 'normal' cuz I think we all go thru exactly the same things!! The tears come at the strangest times. I was in a store looking for shirts that would be 'approved' for dress codes for when I would be able to visit my Son & every time I tried, I would just lose it & couldn't get out of there fast enough!! Just seeing kids his age doing things he should be doing was a trigger for me too! Then you can almost smile at other things in life & then feel guilty for that too!!

I am getting slightly better now that I can see him every week but the emotions still get me!! We come here a lot, we journal a lot, we share, we care & we are helping each other in ways that no one else can understand!!

I have been doing this off and on over 17. First time I experienced it was with my son when he was 17. He went in a couple times to jail, for a few months, really started out still 17 at a home for boys, which was a prison, but in a golf club type setting. He even got to take care of horses and ride them. BUT I still cried. It was like I failed somehow. but I knew I had done everything I was supposed to do as a mom. My then husband didn't. He even gave him a mustang, which he bought when he went into that place. Then prison for him. 4 years. Then my fiance, in and out, in and out. OMG the emotions are up and down all the time.

I get mad at him, I miss him, I hate that I love him, I LOVE HIM. I question WHY I still love him, why I couldn't be like the colder people I know that say, MOVE ON.. well I can't and won't.

I cry when I see couples together. When my son was in, I cried when I saw his friends, they were free and he wasn't. They did the same things, but he took the fall for them.

I still miss NORMAL life and wonder when we will ever have it, IF we ever will.

I have kind of a ritual I do almost every night. If the weather isn't bad, I go sit on my deck, cry a bit, talk to him, maybe even talk to God. Kinda lost that years ago, but still try. I look at the stars and think in this whole horrible world, with him only 53 miles away, he is a world away from me. In such a different kind of life. But looking at those stars it seems amazing if he looked out his window at the same time, we would be actually seeing the same thing at the same time. In some ways that is comforting. Some ways it makes me sadder.

I haven't been able to sleep at all lately. Thinking, thinking all the time, about the bills, problems, him, our life together when it was good, our life when it was horrible. And what it might be this next time. I got 1 hour sleep today.. didn't sleep a wink last night. The day before slept two hours before I went to work, none all night.

They don't get what we go through. I think in some ways we go through more than they do. Yep they are in a bad place. Oh well, they messed up, or most of them did in some way.

WE have the sadness, the decisions to make, have to find lawyers, have to find money to pay lawyers, some people have kids to deal with, some have to deal with sick kids, parent, parents dying, while they sit and play cards, or do whatever inmates do.

We feel sorry for them, but when do they really feel sorry for what we are going through, what we feel without them?

Jobro, I think what you are feeling is very normal in this type of situation. And unfortunately, the tears will come til they get home. They get less for awhile, then as you say they pop up again.

I started not wanting to be with old friends. They criticized him and felt SORRY for me, but they can't begin to understand and don't try

At least your son's court date is over. You know what is going to happen now, and he is on his journey towards the end of it now. You may think 1.5 years sounds an eternity, but it isn't as bad as some get.

You will still be sad and miss him, but now the mystery and scary parts of what is going to happen to him with the courts is over. Now you just start the process of counting down the days and hope he comes home and never goes back in like my fiance and son have don.

Son is doing great now, but still dabbles a bit in things that could put him back in, and now he has so much to lose. A nice home, a great family life, he really has it good, so he better not mess it up.

As far as my son... he was in prison, he was a problem child, still is a pain in the ass at times, but I am now very proud of him. He is an awesome daddy. What a big difference from a few years ago. NOW if we could just get my 53 year old fiance to grow up, things would be great.

We all do share a same bond. We all KNOW what each other is going through. We are all living it.

We may not ever meet, but we are the best kind of friends ever. Ones that do not criticize or judge, and ones that we know we can count on for support, love and understanding. I come on here several times a day to see what is up with everyone, and hope that I can help in any way I can, and I sure get comfort from you all too..

First sentence of my post I skipped a word. I have been at this 17 YEARS.. started when son was 17. He is 34 now.

I think I am mad at my old friends for seemingly having a perfect life, perfect kids, perfect everything. Trips, cruises, cabins, nice things, like homes and cars, when my life is nothing like that. I should be set by now. I am 60. But nope, life is still HARD... I started to think the other day about how fast the good parts left of our lives are only a few years left. After this age, life gets scary, as far as health. So what the heck is the reason I can't have a normal life like all my friends I see on FB bragging about all their happiness???

OH SORRY I AM GRUMPY

Hi whatajoke and ihatewisconson...thank you both for your very helpful replies. I understand what you guys are saying AND feeling. Ya know, 1.5 + 3 mnths is not long compared to other crimes and sentences. Still hoping "they" will squash the FTA from the other county. I am thinking of calling his PD and seeing if he/she can influence the court to place him in the prison he was in for 6 months back in 09. They have a descent drug and work program there. My son does need to be held accountable for his addictive behaviors and lifestyle which comes with drug addiction however; he doesn't deserve to serve more than 2 years...(so I say!). The worst feelings I get are the ones when I can actually feel what he is feeling like inside of his head and heart. I think this is a maternal thing no matter what age they are. I try to talk myself into getting up and doing at least 1 or 2 things a day that are needed to be tended to, it's all I can do some days to wash 5 dishes that look like a mountain to me. I thankfully have a one on one counselor, this site and so many awesome people here that are helping each other. The w/o judgement part is crucial because down to the core, we are all human and are dealing with feelings and emotions after all is said and done and during all of the works in progress. It's funny you mentioned "other people's lives, I used to think that way too and after a lifetime of mountain after mountain, I am grateful I still have the energy to climb, even if it is only a few steps a day. I used to just plow through life, and this is part the reason I am an alcoholic in recovery, thank God. I wasn't plowing at all, I was stuffing and surviving. I have even accepted that my life is exactly the way it should be at this moment. Being in this 2 year limbo of awaiting my SSD hearing, I have been halted entirely and my own life has changed drastically. At first I thought I must be paying for something/s I have done along the way until it was pointed out to me that these past 2 years have paved a road to recovery from alcohol and the entire rat-race. Now, I will begin to learn to accept this prison and my son thing and as you guys both said, it's kind of always there. I am so grateful that you both are close enough to visit your loved ones. We are 1100 miles apart, but our phone time erases that distance and holds both of us over for the next few days until the next phone call.

I can hear the strength you both have in your words. I hope I can help another sometimes by offering mt experience in other subjects on this site but, especially this group.

It's ok to be grumpy Ihatew!! ...We wouldn't be human if we were strong and upbeat all the time.

I include ALL of Us here in this group in my nightly "Prayers/Meditation". Hoping that one day we won't ask why anymore, and just get to experience a simple quiet and humble lifestyle which EXCLUDES the law and/or the jail system. This part is up to our Loved Ones who are incarcerated, yes,...if they only knew what we sacrifice and endure. Actually, I STILL would not change a thing if I could, except for the one thing...the way the prison system fails when it comes to punishment for the addict. Murderers and high level crimes are a different thing. Even those category of people are still human and were not born to murder, just as an addict doesn't choose to have addictions. They do however have the freedom to make a choice to own it, learn why, and then fix it. THAT can be done in prison.

See...you're not alone in your grumpiness!!
I hope you both have the best day you can and that we all keep our chins up. Hugs Ladies (((O)))

Thanks jobro... I am not grumpy today. That is easier than being sad. He is being very crabby and awful. This week is not only his birthday but the anniversary of his arrest. Don't even want me to come to the visit. I took days off for it. I know he gets like this when there is a special date, but grow up. You did this, you made the choices, don't take it out on me. But he does.

Crying is worse than grumpy. Gotta go to work soon. NOT in the mood.

I actually walked 2 miles today and barely hurt. Is it my legs are getting better, or was I just so hurt and angry, I didn't feel it?

yeah, it is not pleasant when their mood is down and or angry. Even so many many times my son would call while on the street-he would flare in a split second. I'm sorry he isn't being receptive of your thoughtfulness for his birthday. The arrest is just compounding his frustration but it's like you said...his choices not yours. I always remember my DUI day, even 4 years later, I get a panic feeling to think that the outcome could have been horrific and that I did no jail time-well- just overnight-that was plenty enough for me.

Ya know, for myself and my son both, we could be completely drug and alcohol free for life but until I decided to "honest up" in counseling, faced then old demons and recognized my triggers by studying my relapses, thankfully they were one day drinking about 8 times the past 2-1/2 years. I have a good strength and a whole lot of tools that I am now armed with to prevent future cravings. My point was that for my son too, he MUST undergo serious counseling starting from his young childhood. He and myself took the brunt of most of his father's "crap", well at least we were most effected emotionally.

Is your fiancee the "willing to try counseling type" or the " no way type"?
It was the greatest gift I could ever give myself and it is hard work-no kidding but it beats the endless hell hole of drinking myself to death-literally.

I LOVE to walk, I have so many issues from my knees to my brain that I pick and choose real carefully what activities I try to enjoy. My knees are good for about a half hour, after that all heck breaks loose all the way up to my neck.
I bought a used mini workout trampoline and a big giant yoga ball. I hate going to a gym! At least I can get my heartbeat up and stretch to keep my muscles from being so tight. I put the radio on and try to do a solid 5-10 mins, some days I walk right past it!!!

I hope your fiancee gets a grip soon and realizes there is hope, only he can begin the changing process that is the hardest part to conquer and keep alive daily.

You probably walked off much of your frustration, and got to breath in some air too. I should follow your lead and start off by walking around our VERY big block!
I hope you enjoy your night and try to get some sleep too :)

Jobro, you will and are already helping others. Just being here & sharing could help someone that is afraid to post & just reads these posts. It also helps us & we are all able to bounce things off of each other when others just can't understand fully if they haven't been thru it!! It sounds so cliche but it is so true!

When Wisconsin first responded to me, I felt like she was inside my heart & my head!! How could she know my emotions so completely?!? Because she has & is going thru it as well!! It just simply is a bond of unknown emotions unless you've been there!!

The emotions def change from day to day & for no reason!! Until I was able to see my Son (have never actually talked to him on phone yet) I was an absolute daily mess!! I wanted to do nothing but lay in bed, cry & research every possible thing I could!! But I've seen him now & know he is ok & handling things to his best ability.

I think as long as your son calls you & make contact that way, he knows you are supportive of him & won't turn your back on him!! I think that is so so important to the ones in...that they have outside love & support!!

Been a long day & I'm rambling again so better stop before I don't make any sense at all!! Lol

We ramble on here a lot too & it is totally accepted!!! Grumpy, rambling, furious, frustrated, happy, sad...see? Rambling!! ;-)

I appreciate both of you.

My fiance DID go to a therapist when he first got out last time. Even though it was a session with the therapist in Minneapolis, and he was here, seeing her on a screen, he liked her, it helped him. But then she left the VA or something. We couldn't get an appointment for quite awhile, just when things started falling apart for him. So he tried a new one eventually, but he had to start all over, telling this person his family history, etc. It was a waste of time. He needed a person that already had talked with him, that didn't have to start over. So he gave up.

Then he really started to have problems, started drinking, running off, disappearing for days, taking the car, leaving me stranded. He eventually called me one time, so drunk, he knew he couldn't drive. It was a blizzard, and I had to find a ride, go get him. He was a mess. Crying, upset with himself. I got him in the house, he seemed to calm down, I turned my back, and he was about to slash his throat with a huge kitchen knife.

I jumped up, hit the knife out of his hand, pushed him onto a chair, threw the knife outside, and sat and held him. The next day he called the VA, and talked with them for quite awhile. It was the hotline for suicidal people. He pleaded with them to put him in their treatment place that day. They couldn't fit him in for 3 months. So he gave up. Things just got worse and worse. Drinking and disappearing, even snuck off and moved out on me.

They had said they had no room at that time. He pleaded for them to put him somewhere else til they could fit him in. They wouldn't pay for it. And treatment centers are terribly expensive. There is no longer mental health wards in many hospitals now. You are on your own.

The rest is history. Lots of terrible days, til his arrest.

He did call this afternoon and had calmed down. Said he was still in a bad mood but it wasn't me. I said I will see you Thursday and Friday. I need to come be with you, especially now. He said Whatever you want.

He wanted me just to talk to him about things. Asked about my job last night, if the assistant manager was terrible again. I told him no. He asked what made it change. Said Have no clue. So he was wanting to just TALK to me, listen, maybe... and think about something different.

I had blasted him the first call. I told him a few things and maybe the hours between calls he started feeling bad for being such an ass.

My feet hurt terrible tonight, my legs aren't as bad as they used to be. Thought it would be a killer night at work after going for that long walk.

We can't really walk around blocks here either. There are miles and miles of cornfields. I live in a tiny town in the country. Our population has exploded in the last couple years from 320 to 730!!! Haha... I moved her from a suburb near Minneapolis that had 56,000 people. Tell ya what, that was a big culture shock. Still kind of is.

The other day I saw a woman actually dressed up in nice clothes. I told her I wish I could wear things like that to work, can't remember getting dressed up in so long. She laughed and said, Yea, and I can't wait to get my jeans on.

NO ONE dresses up here. Not even for funerals.

I want to join a fitness center. Would give me something to do, somplace to go, and I don't work out at home much. I intend to, I buy the DVD's, to exercise with. Just don't. If I were paying for it, I would have to go.

I am sure he has been sitting there hating himself for letting this happen to him again. I would too.
But there is nothing he can to to change the past, just make sure somehow, it don't happen again.
Sitting there thinking about now, a year ago, he was still free. For a few days anyway. He was out partying like a rock star, ignoring me, not being with me, and spending wildly. Making a real mess of his good credit he had.

Reflecting on what happened, and how he messed up is what is getting to him, I am sure. Last time he left there, he said I am never going back again... but they always say that.

Hi again Whatajoke :) Thank you so much for your last reply, it made me think! I forgot about the part where our story/s may be helping someone else. I know for sure-without a doubt that I read other post's in other areas I am trying to figure out or be working on for myself.

To me, not one of your words were babble!! And the part you said that when we share it's like a perfect stranger is reading our very thoughts. That is the magical bond and much needed support for all of us.

I'm so glad you can visit with your son. As a mom, I know exactly what you mean by "until I saw him". When my son would be couch surfing, running the streets and draining his girlfriend of any last penny and emotion she had, I would get phone calls (from her-who I like her very much), and from a few others updating me on what he was into at the moment. SO many times I was the caller to his circle of dark drug circles, and gratefully, they would say where he was last seen or who he had his last fight with. BUT...Until I would get the call from him, my mind was spinning out-sleep-forget it, The final spiral from march-june was like watching someone drown in slow motion. Thankfully, he got picked up one night and that began him on the road to jail time now-which-weirdly, saved his life. He was released end of may (with a court date that he was FTA)-from then until the 2nd week of june, he was losing it completely. Then was arrested for taking his "friends' truck w/o permission arrested for the theft by means, and the FTA warrant from his home county.

hahaha-I just read back...now this is babble!! thanks for "read-listening"!! and you also wisconson :)

Keeping all of us in my Prayers nightly, talk again soon :)

I like how you wrote your appreciation to us-that was really nice!

Wow- what a story from your book. I am so sorry violence/suicide was a part in your fiancee's problems. I myself HATE the way our Vet's are treated. It's rediculous, the same goes for our elders in this country.
Maybe, somehow, in the right time, an avenue of help will open up again for him to where he can share the (I call it "stuffing") pain inside-way deep down there. I also had to start all over again when I added an additional support system for my sobriety and sanity. I almost said screw the whole thing...start all over AGAIN??? Then she reminded me that I was the one wanting to get "fixed", and at no matter what that took. My own words!! I think it is harder for men, I just hope his mood will continue to stay tolerable and that your visits with him are enough to hold you both over until his term is complete. And certainly after that when returning to "life on it's terms".

I especially liked your part about when you guys talk on the phone. I know my son sometimes calls and says "Mom, I love you and I just need to hear your voice" I know then, those are his tougher days. I am (at this time), his sole person standing behind/beside him, always have, always will. I know it's also just like you said, how they are in "there" regretting all of the behaviors that landed them where they are. I have worked with my son for 11 years now regarding his addiction, trying to explain the why, the danger, and the road of options to fix it. He insisted on his way, and as a recovering alcoholic, I understand that. NOW, he has told me he is beginning to get it, and is finally reading literature on addiction. And how he is beginning to see how all of his choices were wrong ones and how stubborn he can be. Yet deep in him is a loving compassionate, gentle young man,...my son :)

I mentioned earlier of his 1st sentence 1.5 + extra 90 days for no parole at release. Any day now he will be transferred to his state's facility where all of them go after sentencing. their history/rap sheets are reviewed and after 3 days, they determine his state prison for his term. However; the other county is notified at that time regarding the FTA and then he faces that charge too. I just can't think about that until the day it happens. I don't think I can handle him inside for the added 2 years. I already haven't seen him since xmas of 2012. I just Pray all the time.

Maybe your "Blasting" him on the call is kind of what he needed to redirect his thinking. I imagine it is very very hard to stay out of their own heads when they are so confined and so limited with mental health programs. Thank goodness in my state, we still have "SCIP" units in almost all of our hospitals and you know-they are ALWAYS full. I'm sorry to say that, our gov't could careless. It's all about the fard-ging dollar, that's all they care about.

Now--I relate all the way about your culture shock lol I lived in WA state for 7 years started out where my next neighbor was 1-1/2 miles up the MOUNTAIN!!...It is so absolutely beautiful there too. I am a jersey girl, so I had some major adjustments to make lol!! I loved it too because they had a general store, the single gas pump was the honor system. Don't have the money today, go fill out your IOU inside!!! The air pump was the kind you wind with the handle and the plastic numbers made the bell ring for every 1 psi. I am smiling just thinking about that :) My divorce took place there and my world changed. I'm just a "jersey girl magnet" (well-a bit older than a "girl!!) I also lived and worked in myrtle beach SC for 7 yrs after all 3 of my children were out there in lives of their own. Wonderful area to spend a week at, but horrible and demonic to live and work there. SO, I'm back home again, 3 yrs now.

Leaving my little novel with you, ending on a cute note, my grandson (he will be 3 on the 19th), went to his 1st day of pre-school!! I and his 2 Aunties are the sole sitters for him, I was more choked up than my son and DIL, but, I didn't let them know I was dropping a tear! I I should be getting a call shortly to hear all about my Grandbuddy's first day :))) His little sister is 9 months and she owns the other part of my heart!

Ladies, I am so grateful that for now, we were crossed into each other's path's. I already feel a little better.

Take it easy on them legs "wisc"!! And, "whata" feel free to write anytime. Keep your chin to the sky, it helps reduce the distance ahead! ( I learned that when I ran track and field!! A hundred years ago :)) more later you guys, :)

Thank you! We do a lot of babbling/rambling!! I think it comes with the territory of the unknown or unable to do anything about it!! Or just cuz we are women!! Haha.
We also write in our, and each other's personal journals on here when we don't necessarily want it on the discussion post. At first I felt like I was 'intruding' on others journals but Wis said they do it to get feedback from others we choose. Sometimes just to write it down to get it out of our head.
It is such a, as you say, roller coaster!! Up & down!! I get motion sickness so roller coasters are not a good thing for me!! ;-) Just the constant worry & thinking about their futures & on & on!!

I did not sleep at all last night (not because of Son tho) so today matches my mood...rainy & dreary!! Going to take a much needed nap!!

Ps what is FTA? If you don't mind me asking?

So sweet you are :)....before I forget to answer, FTA is failure to appear...I am learning that a lot of people say-oh-don't worry, it's just a small thing. I am also learning that it matters what the FTA charges hearing is about. (the charge/s).

Gosh-I had no idea we could write to each other in a journal like that. I thank you so much. I am trying to re-learn the site as it has SO many options/groups/info-which is a good thing! I will try that tonight. Is it ok if I practice at your journal or is that not possible? And,..is my journal already there? and do you have to be friends with someone or can anyone write and read there, while journal writing doesn't go onto the live feed? I surely will learn about that.

I hope you catch up on your sleep!!!

Absolutely you can read/practice on mine!! You can read all the drama going on in my life right now!! Lol
You can choose 'who' can read your journal posts..it gives you the option of everybody (I think this includes others in other support groups for different things), friends (that's the one I use) or even private so you can get your thoughts out but nobody else can see. You can change the setting if you want to later. And no, the journals are no the same as the live feed or discussions. If you click on 'home' it will give you an update of your friends postings. Took me a bit to understand it too!