Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
Hi folks,
I'm new to this group and have been dealing with my girlfriend being locked up since November 2014. I'll fill you in on a little history. She and I had dated on and off over the last 12 years. Last fall she found me on social media after 7 years of no contact. We hit it off and she was upfront with me about being on probation for drugs and related crimes. I thought everything was going well and then noticed abrupt changes in her moods and sleep patterns. That's when I confronted her on relapsing. She admitted she relapsed and hadn't been going to her probation meetings. They finallay arrested her on a violation warrant and sent her to county.
The first few months at county were different from her time now in prison. We talked daily, wrote many letters, I visited her once a week, I really felt like even though we were apart we were getting to know each other. We'd share stories about our future together. She really seemed like she wanted to put her past behind her.
February 19th this year they moved her to Ohio Reformatory For Women (prison). For about a month we'd talk on the phone, just not as much. I sent her embossed envelopes which she says are like gold there. Her dad loaded up her commissary, ordered her clothes, shoes, a box of food, music player, and a TV. I got laid off in April and haven't had the funds to help her out.
Over the last 2 months I've only had 2 calls from her. The first was April 3rd which I missed bc I was at a Church service. That week she told her dad something was wrong with my phone and that everytime she tried calling it gave her some kind of error message. But she could still make other calls. I made sure I have enough money on my prepaid account and that her facility is on my list. I checked with Global Tel Link a couple weeks later and they assured me she has not even attempted to call me since the 3rd and there doesn't seem to be a problem with my connection.
So late April she emails me through JPAY and asks me to write her more letters instead of email. I agreed and asked she write back. Since her stay at the prison she has not written me even once. I wrote just like she asked. When I visited her May 9th I told her I'd been struggling to keep my head up and it bothered me she hasn't responded to my letters or tried calling. She waited until after I left to email me about how she doesn't need our visits to be negative.
I think somehow she's relapsed while she's in prison or there's someone else and she doesn't need me anymore. Her dad even notices her changes. Now, he and I agreed to be a support group for her and she's aware that we have a good relationship. Could it be true that somehow drugs have found their way into a facility like that? Could this all just be her natural way of coping with the environment there while her brain fixes itself. I mean she's a recovering heroin addict. She did tell me in an email a week ago she was in a funk and that's why she's been distant. But still no letters. I did recieve one phone call on the 9th when I was running late to visit her, so I know the calls can go through.
I just don't know what to do.. I told her I want to marry her and I won't give up on "us." But I feel like that place has broken her to the point of giving up. How can I be there for her when she won't do her part to keep the communication alive. This tears me apart every day and she made it clear I can't tell her how much this is bothering me; no letters, no phone calls, her being distant emotionally.
Anyways, that's my story. I hope ya'll can get through the time your loved ones are away, and pray for an easy transition for them back into society
I'm new to this group and have been dealing with my girlfriend being locked up since November 2014. I'll fill you in on a little history. She and I had dated on and off over the last 12 years. Last fall she found me on social media after 7 years of no contact. We hit it off and she was upfront with me about being on probation for drugs and related crimes. I thought everything was going well and then noticed abrupt changes in her moods and sleep patterns. That's when I confronted her on relapsing. She admitted she relapsed and hadn't been going to her probation meetings. They finallay arrested her on a violation warrant and sent her to county.
The first few months at county were different from her time now in prison. We talked daily, wrote many letters, I visited her once a week, I really felt like even though we were apart we were getting to know each other. We'd share stories about our future together. She really seemed like she wanted to put her past behind her.
February 19th this year they moved her to Ohio Reformatory For Women (prison). For about a month we'd talk on the phone, just not as much. I sent her embossed envelopes which she says are like gold there. Her dad loaded up her commissary, ordered her clothes, shoes, a box of food, music player, and a TV. I got laid off in April and haven't had the funds to help her out.
Over the last 2 months I've only had 2 calls from her. The first was April 3rd which I missed bc I was at a Church service. That week she told her dad something was wrong with my phone and that everytime she tried calling it gave her some kind of error message. But she could still make other calls. I made sure I have enough money on my prepaid account and that her facility is on my list. I checked with Global Tel Link a couple weeks later and they assured me she has not even attempted to call me since the 3rd and there doesn't seem to be a problem with my connection.
So late April she emails me through JPAY and asks me to write her more letters instead of email. I agreed and asked she write back. Since her stay at the prison she has not written me even once. I wrote just like she asked. When I visited her May 9th I told her I'd been struggling to keep my head up and it bothered me she hasn't responded to my letters or tried calling. She waited until after I left to email me about how she doesn't need our visits to be negative.
I think somehow she's relapsed while she's in prison or there's someone else and she doesn't need me anymore. Her dad even notices her changes. Now, he and I agreed to be a support group for her and she's aware that we have a good relationship. Could it be true that somehow drugs have found their way into a facility like that? Could this all just be her natural way of coping with the environment there while her brain fixes itself. I mean she's a recovering heroin addict. She did tell me in an email a week ago she was in a funk and that's why she's been distant. But still no letters. I did recieve one phone call on the 9th when I was running late to visit her, so I know the calls can go through.
I just don't know what to do.. I told her I want to marry her and I won't give up on "us." But I feel like that place has broken her to the point of giving up. How can I be there for her when she won't do her part to keep the communication alive. This tears me apart every day and she made it clear I can't tell her how much this is bothering me; no letters, no phone calls, her being distant emotionally.
Anyways, that's my story. I hope ya'll can get through the time your loved ones are away, and pray for an easy transition for them back into society
I doubt that she is able to procure enough drugs in prison to cause a relapse from a drug habit, much less a heroin habit. True, there are a lot of drugs in prison, but not so many that an inmate can get stoned every other day.
Even if the supply was that plentiful, she would be going through a lot of money to purchase the amount of drugs needed for her to completely relapse.
I doubt that the amount of canteen money on her books is enough to sustain a major drug habit. In fact, I know it is not.
Drugs in prison are very expensive. A table of Xanax used to be around ten dollars and one of those chap stick lids full of weed sold for five packs of cigarettes.
Methampehtamine was outrageous and a syringe cost close to fifty dollars----if one could even be found. I never saw any heroin or related opiates nor did I ever witness any cocaine.
So I don't think she is strung out on drugs again.
But prison changes people. It changes everyone's life it touches----the inmate and the family.
Being in prison gives a person a LOT of time to sit and think about things. She may be thinking what got her in all this mess and what she wants to do when she is released to see it does not happen again.
You see disturbing things in prison you never want to see again. It changes your perspective on your life, and your outlook on the world. She probably does not see the world through the same set of eyes you do.
So, if you notice a change, that is not that abnormal.
When I was in prison, I more or less forgot about the outside world, as it made serving my time easier. I only called home once a month and that was at the request of my parents.
Maybe that is the decision she has made.
I received about five or six visits a year, but to be honest, I did not really enjoy them that much.
The prison became my world for eight years and I did not really want to get involved in the outside world. It was just easier for me that way.
Being a former drug addict, she is no doubt under a lot of stress. Prison will cause stress and having a substance abuse problem only accentuates that stress. Undo stress does a lot of things to people.
Maybe she is trying to find herself. Maybe she is in the process of finding herself.
There is no way for me to know, but I can tell you what prison does to people.
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Between the sadness/disappointment/anger/shame and probably other emotions she's experiencing, the withdrawal symptoms, and the discomfort of being in prison, to which we can add the crummy diet and lack of fresh air and healthy living conditions, your girlfriend is going through a lot. I know you are too, and I'm not saying she gets a pass for neglecting the relationship, I'm just trying to help you see that maybe her behavior is more closely related to things that are going on separate from you, and that it's not about you or how she truly feels about you. It's such a difficult, frustrating way to try to maintain a relationship- you almost can't, really.
Maybe it would help if you focused on the things in your life that give you a feeling of well-being outside of the relationship with her, even if just for a short while. Do things that help you and give you hope. You don't have to stop writing to her or being in contact with her, but maybe lowering your expectations to pretty much zero would be better for both of you until she's had some time to come around. Give her space and freedom and give yourself support, kindness, and love.
I hope this helps a bit. We're all experienced with the many problems surrounding trying to stay close to our loved ones while they are away from us. Some of the people here have loved ones who suffer with the disease of addiction, and there are other support groups here on DS that deal with those issues. I hope you find the help you need.
I'm new to this group. I've gained so much insight in the few days that I've been apart of this group. Welcome.
I'm thankful for this support system.
I have had a son and a fiance in and out of prison, so I have been on here 9 years. These people are great, so read everything you can. Something might help you, what they are going through.
I am glad to see a man on here too, on the side of waiting , and loving someone in prison. Usually it's just women. A few men have been on from time to time.
It's interesting to see that men have the same emotions and things they go through too. We sometimes perceive men as thinking differently, but love is love. Hurt is hurt, be it a man or a woman going through it.
REW is a great person to give us the perspective of a person who has been in prison. He can truly answer the questions of what it's like in there, and the feelings involved.
My fiance went through a time he didn't want to talk to me or see me which was very hard. Then my son actually wrote to him and got him to talk to me. They usually hate each other, but son knew I was miserable and loved the guy. So he did this for me. It snapped him out of it.
They go through so many emotions. Loss of freedom, being treated bad by guards and inmates. Fear, loneliness and hate for themselves for getting to this point.
They miss the outside world. Some do decide to disassociate themselves from the world they miss so much. Some really want to stay part of it. Like mine does now. So I write to him and tell him on the phone things going on here. I let him be involved in decisions about our home, our car, our life out here. Like he is still here. I send pictures of family and friends, and even pictures if I paint a room, so he can see it, or if I crunch the car so he knows how bad it is. I keep him informed about people he knows out here, and other things. He figures out the bills for me. What to pay and when, just like he did when he was here. I keep him involved in our life.
This may not be something she can do that much if she wasn't living with you. I don't know that part of your life yet.
I hope you keep coming on here. Vent, participate in other posts, and tell us your ideas and opinions. Do the journal thing whenever you feel like telling things, like we are your group session at counseling. Or ask questions. Someone may have some thing insightful to help you get through whatever it is that day.
Cry if you feel like it. Vent, to people that understand why you love her. Ignore the idiots that tell you to leave her, that you are stupid to love her. Love is love. No one knows why they love someone, so you can't tell a person to not love another human being who you have feelings for, have had past experiences with that those other idiots haven't. No one knows her like you do, in your relationship. Only you get to decide what happens with you two.
Keep writing to her. Tell her how you feel about everything. Tell her you understand she is going through many emotions, and you are still here waiting, but it hurts when she shuts you out.
Hope that helps.
The way I see it in life is, if you love someone you give it your all and if it doesn't end up working out than you know that you did your best so there's no regets.
Perhaps she's not relapsed? If that's the case I feel bad for not trusting her. One point of view which some of you might relate to is lately I've been coming to terms with my own behavior which my therapist says is codependency towards my girlfriend. I guess I feel helpless to keep her happy and been blaming myself. No one except her dad supports us being together. I always get the same story from my friends and family, they don't want to see me get hurt. But that's life. Love hurts sometimes, and sometimes it's beautiful and amazing.
What some of my friends don't understand is I'd lived most of my life afraid to take risks. For 12 years I regretted not telling her I love her. I finally had the chance and they took her away. I promised her I won't give up, but I've been having doubts lately. Maybe Rew is right, perhaps her moods are a result of her environment and nothing to do with me?
So there's a fine line between codependency, compassion, and self preservation. I can continue to write her if it helps her through her time there, while lowering my expectations of any reciprocation, lessening my own pain while building her up. I mean she calls me her knight in shining armour :)
I guess down the road, if we do work out, I'll be asking for advice on living with an ex inmate who's in recovery.
God bless you all
Trying to survive in there, for her, is taking up all her oxygen; she may be struggling mentally and spiritually. It is no wonder why she has changed. Prison is an environment that makes even the strongest of us fight for our very existence.
She will get better, but right now all her energies and emotions are directed on survival in there and not necessarily any BF on the outside. Not survival in the physical sense, but in an emotional sense.
Prison is an extremely environment, from an emotional standpoint. They tell you when to go to bed, when to wake up, when you can take a shower, when to go eat, etc. Some people begin to lose their identity in there.
Couple this with the fact that she has been thrown in there with hundreds of inmates she probably does not like and it is no wonder she has changed somewhat.
Right now, she may feel hopeless, helpless, and a failure in life.
Regarding your situation, I will tell you what I tell all the GFs waiting on their man in prison----PROTECT YOUSELF. Just remember that you are half of this relationship with all the wants, needs, and desires of anyone else in a relationship, so don't allow her to drag you down.
Keep those letters coming. Letters are like gold to inmates in prison as it reminds them that someone still cares enough to write them and send a letter. One thing that inmates always worry about is that the world has forgotten them. Nobody wants that.
Have you ever sat down and written her a letter asking her just what she wants out of this relationship? Let her talk to you. Don't push, but just allow her to tell you what she hopes for her future.
Allow her to tell you how she feels and why she feels that way rather than you having to guess.
Keep your chin up.
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