This is normal the way your feeling its like your grieving for someone just take it one day at a time or one minute at a time i wont say it gets easier it just become a new sort of normal you will have good days and crappy days.
Hang in there this is a good site to be on.

I'm so sorry!! You will get great support, advice, comfort & we do lots of crying for ourselves, our loved ones & for each other on here as well!! I am fairly new at this as well but this group has become very important to me very quickly!! Others will be along to give you great advice!! Don't be afraid to ask questions! Someone probably can answer or steer you in the right direction!!

People who say you will " get over it", don't know what they are talking about, and have never went through this.
You never get over it. It is a loss of the life you have lived for so long and had hoped to continue, as most do. You have lost what you had. What was normal. Now you will have to go through a period of pure grief. Then you do learn to deal with it on some levels. You will learn to cry less. You will learn to go do things you need to do,sometimes just to have some enjoyment. He would want you to.
There will always be things you miss of him. It does affect us hardest on holidays and special occasions, or when you someone his age that reminds you of him. Many things will be haunting you. This is all part of the process.
Eventually when you can see him, and talk to him regularly, it will help. It will be sad to visit, but great to hug him and be around him. I hope you will be able to go see him. I don't know where he is and where you are.
Letters and phone calls become your way of communicating. I hold my phone like it is him, waiting for his call everyday about the time he will call.
Start writing things about whatever he would be interested in hearing. Send him photos that he would enjoy having.
You will learn many ways to make him happier in there, and it will help you feel you are still there doing something for him.
I have a fiance in prison again. Been in many times. Longest time was three and a half years. I would not say you will ever get used to it. I will say that find out how strong you can be if you fight the depression through keeping busy, getting rid of people in your life that say negative and idiotic things, and just do things that make you feel good. Be it crafts, volunteer work, whatever. Getting busy, and not sitting or laying around crying is important.
They love to have something to talk to you about. Theylove to listen to your stories of what's going on. And utmost of importance to them is make them feel you still need them, and that they can help you still. Ask his advice on how to fix things, or what color you should paint the house, or what new car you should buy. Get him involved in things in your life. Let him feel and know what he thinks still matters in whlat you do.
I know fifteen years is awful. I have a bad enough time handing 2 or 3 years. But you will get through this.
I have been on here 9 years. I have had a son and a fiance in prison off and on all those years. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes one gets out, the other goes in. I do have a few ideas how to get through this from all frustration, sadness, anger and tears.
I still have trouble not just sitting home and crying. But he don't want that, and it really made a mess of my life. I got off my butt, forced myself to go visit the elderly neighbors and help them, forced myself to go help my parents. Went to see my kids and grandkids regularly, which did make me feel better, and it gave me things to tell him when we talked. He doesn't like to call to hear me be sad. He wants to hear what I am experiencing. He lives vicariously through my experiences. I know he visualizes what I tell him I do, and can put himself right there with me.
I sent him pictures of the car when it was dented, so he could see it wasn't so bad. I sent him pictures of the creepy neighbors cars he was buying and selling, just because he would of been interested at home.
I sent him pictures of our house before I fixed the walls, when I first bought it, without him. Then I sent him pictures of it painted and looking better.
I ask him advice when the pipes freeze up, or when something breaks, how to fix it, or who to call.
See, I am sure you have things that you can ask help from him too. They feel so good when they found out that what they told us to do really did help.
I don't want to keep rambling on and overloading you. But I wanted you to know that we will get you through this, as everyone on here helps each other. We have seen people, even myself, come on here about ready to give up on life, and later they working hard at a job, moving to a new home, having the baby that they were expecting when their guy went to prison. We see baby pictures, we help them with baby situations. We talk to each other about things we don't to people out here we have known a long time. Most of those people do not understand what we feel. But all of us do. We are living it too.
When people send H UGS, they teally are hugging you through their words on the computer. We all wish we could do real hugs because we all need them.
Have you got to talk to him yet since he went in? Do iyou go see him? I assume he was in already in jail before they hit him with that awful sentence. Cherish those visits and calls, and live a life that will make him happy you are doing. He is not gone forever even though it feels that way. He will adjust better if he knows you are doing ok. As ok as you can be.
I do wish I could hug you. I know you need a million of them. Come on here often, tell us whatever you want. We are here. Read other posts and reply to them if you feel like it. It does help to be connected to this wonderful group who are all going through similar things.
I care!

I was and still am having trouble typing things on this site. My words keep disappearing then I have to try to fix them, so I apologize for some typos and words that run together. My cursor seems to go all over the place on it's own. Someone else said they were having trouble too, so it must be the DS site.

My son just turned 32 and he was looking at doing about 12 years on January 14 but he got scared and skipped his sentencing. He's been on the run going on 5 months now. I haven't seen or heard from since. When he gets caught or comes to his senses and turns himself in he will be looking at even more time.

The first few months were the worse for me. I was in deep grief. He stayed with me for awhile a few months before he took off so I understand what it's like to have so many memories at home. I was already going to counseling so that helped some. Everywhere, I looked or went I would see something that reminded me of him. It felt like torture sometimes. I cried like I have never cried before and I have had my share of grief and heartache already. What kept me going then and now is my faith and relationship with God!

If I allow it, my thoughts can drive me insane thinking of all the bad things that can happen to him being on the run or getting caught. He was even saying he would rather die than go to prison that long. So for me him giong to sentencing and to prison was better than losing him for good. I knew I could talk to him, visit him and write so as it wasn't something I was looking forward to, it was a place where he would be safe from himself or getting into more trouble.

My ex husband was in and out of prison when we were married so I know what its like to have someone I love in prison but his time was a year or two. Im kind of in denial of thethought of my son being locked up so long but I know it's what will happen eventually.

Finding this group was a huge help for me because I felt so alone and like no one I knew understood what I'm going through. At first friends and family were checking on me and as time went by they stopped and I felt so isolated
and lonely. The people here have been through similar situations and know the heartache and other emotions that go along with losing a loved on to prison. And give excellent advice and support!

I find that journaling helps me. But my spiritual life is what has kept me strong and gives me a peaceful feeling. I have been on the floor crying to God and I don't feel alone anymore. I feel His presence and peace.

Thinking of you and praying for you and your son! We are here for you! Big hugs!

Wisconsin and others,

To solve your problem of typing a message and then having it disappear, type you messages in a word processor and save it every few minutes.

Then copy and paste what you have typed in the word processor page to the message box that you normally type in when typing directly on the site.

That way if you lose it on the site, you still have it on the word processor screen and if you save it every so often, even if the word processor screen disappears, you still have it on your hard drive..

You may have Microsoft Office on your computer, but if not, you can use Notepad that comes with Windows. If you don't have either of those, you can download a program called "Open Office" to use as your word processor.

That will fix your problem.

There is also another way you can do this, but it is not as efficient as typing the message in a word processor first. After every paragraph you type, put your cursor in your typed text and press the Control Key plus the letter "A" key at the same time.

This will highlight all your text. Then you can right click your mouse to copy it to your clipboard. Then if it screws up again, you can just paste it back to the message box.

But the word processor and saving it every few minutes is the best way.

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Detox, I completely understand your feelings. My husband is on year 10 of a 15 year mandatory sentence, believe me it is hard but you will get through it. You have found the right place and some wonderful people here who will help you.
Look into a website called FAMM they have news everyday and are fighting hard to get mandatory sentencing revised. If we all fight together we can do it!!
Writing letters and sending cards, phone calls and visits will make it a little easier too. If I can help or answer any questions just message me I will try and help. Stay strong for you and your son, I will keep you in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Pat

Defox- My daughter is 30 and has served 18 months of a mandatory 8 year sentence. The grief you are feeling right now can be unbearable in the beginning of their sentence. It helped me by writing my daughter everyday. She is serving several states away from me so I am not able to visit often. Letters and email have been a blessing to both of us. My daughter and I were estranged for many years due to her addiction. We are closer now than ever. It takes time to heal your initial shock, fear and pain. Life won't be the same but you will find ways to help you cope. Reading post and messaging others on this site can help you. No one can understand what you are going through unless they have experienced having a loved one in prison or being an inmate. I read "A New Kind of Normal" by Carol Kent soon after my daughter was sentenced. Her son is serving a life sentence. Carol also has a blog you can take a look at to learn more. It is carolkent.org
As Pat mentioned FAMM.org has current info. My daughter heard about an attorney in Texas named Jeremy Gordon. He is somehow involved with FAMM. You can check out articles on his site which is gordondefense.com He also has a Facebook page.

Try to learn more about the prison where your son is located. You should be able to find the admissions handbook on bop.gov

My faith has sustained me. You will find your way too. We are all here to support you. God Bless

xo

My mid thirties son is in for life. You just take it one day at a time. Keep in contact with your loved one and focus on things you can do for yourself and for your loved ones not in prison.

Hugs.

When my guy first went in I felt like he died and then my sister said he's still here he's not dead (I was very depress didn't eat,sleep,just lay in bed) and she found me this group and I cannot remember who said it someone here did and it made me feel like I wasn't a total nut when they go to prison it's almost like they died and I suffer already suffer from depression and when my guy went in my depression got worse and I'll tell you since my guy went in I found out I was a very judgmental person and since he been in I grew to understand a lot of stuff so maybe this was God plan of not making me so judgmental

It's not that they are dead. It's just that they can't be in our life in most every way now. When we need them they aren't available. We can't call them, we can't see them sometimes for quite awhile. We miss what we had. We miss even the littlest things. Sort of like when a person is dead. We can't just pick up a phone when something bad or good happens to tell them. We miss their companionship and the life we had with them. We will have it again, someday, but that's not good enough.

We all go through that first initial part of the shock and sadness of what has happened to them, therefore us too. We go through stages, each starts easing into something that is our NORMAL life now, which is not or never will be normal while they are gone.

We worry about them to the point of madness. We cry a lot. That will get less and less in time, but when you least expect it, there you go, crying again. That is normal in this situation.

My daughter 26 is awaiting sentencing on July9th 26 years old. Fantastic future ahead of her and 1 split second took all of that away. When she is sent to prison in FL, I am so scared for her. I fear she will be "abused", threatened, mistreated by other inmates. If someone, anyone could shed some light on what to expect it is the only thing that may ease my pain. I love her so much, and she has such a tender heart. I hate the thought of this. I ache so badly.

I only know about men's prisons. Although I do have a woman friend in prison in WI. So far nothing bad has happened to them. It is mostly just boring and frustrating.

You do lose all your freedom to make decisions about anything. You are in there with less desirable people. People you would never ever talk to out here. But for the most part they leave you alone.

The worst my fiance has experienced is one man who constantly harassed him to get me to do things for him out here.

Boredom, and frustration is the biggest thing. A few people with attitudes, but you stay clear of them, you are ok.

The phone systems are awful. Hard to get a phone, there are so many wanting to use them, and they are expensive.

A few guards make it tough to get answers, or sometimes like to throw their " authority" around, by making you jump through their hoops, but we have all had bosses and co workers like that.

She will be fine. Just stay in contact with her. Write, take her calls and visit if you can.

I am sorry this has happened to her, you and your family. Stay on here, you will get stronger, by talking to others going through this. It isn't just happening to her. It's happening to all that love and miss her.

Keep her feeling part of your world, the one she is from Send pictures, letters telling her things going on. Ask her advice on things. Make her feel like she still matters, what she thinks, just as before. You will all get through this. I have had a son and a fiance in prison. Not fun, but we all got through it together. With patience, love, understanding and making sure you understand that sometimes she will be moody. It's not you, it's what is going on with her and around her.

It is loud in those places, there are tense people in there, for good reason. She will be ok.

My friend writes to me, even about how they make makeup, with odd things like skittles or m & m's..

I love everything that everyone has written in this string. These are the types of things that keep me sane...just knowing that others are experiencing similar thoughts and feelings, and the support we give to one another. As I read each reply here and there, I am reminded that there is always a better situation and always a worse situation in just about every walk of life. For instance, when I read about 15 years, compared to my son's 65 years-life (not sentenced yet, however), it is sooooo surreal; in fact, I am still in the "denial" stage, just like when someone hears of a loved one's passing. But I quickly remind myself, like someone else says: "He is NOT dead", his freedom has just been taken away and he cannot live life, like the rest of us know it (complete with family outings, wiggling toes in sand at the beach, etc.) As for me and my son, we feed off of each other; he says that as long as he knows that I am OK, then he's OK, and I remind him that I feel the same; so we try to be "OK" for each other, leaving our burden and crying, etc., for others to experience. I'm still exploring whether this is a good way to proceed (long term), but for now, it works. I would like to start a support group for families in the San Diego area; so, if anyone has any insights on the "how to's" of this endeavor, I welcome any advise/input. Prayers and positive thoughts to all this day, a new day where we are still alive and breathing through our grief and tears. Praise God for His strength and peace in times such as this.

I feel your pain and I can't make it feel better. I do know that being on this site is a very good start for your support system. Tears are cleansing and none of us would be human if we didn't cry. I'm not there yet either. I have to work very hard at distracting myself from the constant thoughts and visions of life there. Try to include healthy and supporting family and friends. Possibly you can look into Nar-Anon meetings in your area or they have on line meetings also. Some days are better than others for both of us (my adult son), so we try and talk about anything he wants to and every now and then, we have such a strong bond, we can get a laugh out of each other over something as stupid as prison grits. They are the best conversations on a lighter day. It took some time to get to this point but I Pray all the time and luckily, he is Spiritual too. It will be a different way of life for you and he both. It's not selfish to take positive care of yourself, it will help you stay strong. God Bless Both of You.