By the way, I'm new to the whole prison lifestyle. A couple days ago was my first visit for him or anyone else for that matter...

Hi ya
Ism sorry you are hear but this group is a good place to be we do get it and non of us ever thought we would be in this position! You are not alone!
Its sorry to say normal the way your feeling right now it sucks really sucks but slowly it will become a new normal hate saying that but its true.
Keep coming back other will talk to you as well.
Hugs me.

Thank you!! I hate this feeling and my family isn't making it any better :/

Families can be a pain like that. Aske them what they would do if it was there hubby or you in prison....its normally enough to make them think.

Hello, I too am sorry you are going through this, but glad you found this site. It will help you. Ask any questions you have, and someone on here probably will have something that may help.

Second, just because they say he could get life, don't mean it will happen. Depends on so many things. And depends on who said it, if it's even true. The DA will try to scare him into taking a plea bargain. Tell him not to. Get a lawyer if you can, don't listen to others negativity. You won't find that on here. We all have felt those feelings you are going through now. The fear, the loneliness, and the anger at the system for what is happening.

It will take a long time to get through court and all the bargaining the lawyer and DA will do. He will get a say in some of it, there may be behind the closed doors meetings with DA and his lawyer, etc. He does not have to take what they say to do, without complete disclosure of his options. They try to scare him. And if he has a public defender, they try to get rid of cases as fast as possible and most don't really care about the people involved.

Some friends will disappear. People you would of thought would be there for him. Your family may go against you too, for standing by him. It is up to you if you stick it out with him. NOT THEM.

Realize that this is going to be sad. So you cannot just lay around crying. Get busy doing other things. Yes, that isn't easy, but it will help both of you get through this.

My fiance has been in and out of prison many times.

Usually they give them several charges, so they can barter back and forth with his life. They will dismiss some charges if he agrees to take a plea, and plead guilty to the other charges. Tell him to think about everything they say carefully before he gives a final answer.

Stay on here. Talk to us, vent, ask questions and read as many posts from others as you can. It may give you insight as to what to do, what to expect, and that you aren't going crazy.

You guys are awesome really!!!!! This made me feel 100 times better! Your love and support will go a long way in the world! Thank you for your kind words and advice!y husband feels a lot better knkwing im going through this but have a support group to lean on! I'm definitely going to be on here often seeing as there is a long road ahead! Thanks again! I hope you ladies are managing well too!

One day you will be the to give advice it might not seam like it now but you will.
Listen to ihate she is pretty much the mum of the group who always helps and is totally awesome!

Suchaslife is pretty awesome too. Her man is home now and she has not forgotten us.

It is the best place for us to be. Only people going through this understand. NO ONE else. I have friends that I rarely talk to anymore because they like to advise me how to run my life while they sit at home with NORMAL problems. They have no clue what this is like. They sit in their ivory towers sipping pina colada's and think things like their husband not mowing the lawn, or leaving the toilet seat up is a huge problem. HAHAHAHAHAHA to that one.

I am glad we helped you feel better. We do what we can, because WE are or have been going through it too.

Just so you know, Suchaslife is from Australia, and they have the same type of judicial problems as we have.

My username ihatewisconsin comes from I do hate it here. When we moved here, I got to see first hand how awful their justice system is.

Something else I want to say.

When they are in, we DO miss every little thing about him, but we forget the bad stuff, if there was any. Oh come on, all men put us through bad stuff. They are not angels, and either are we.

You will sit home, not go anywhere, feel guilty if you have fun for a day. Don't do that. It will make it worse on you. And within boundaries, he will want you to go do things. It's something you can talk about on the phone calls or at visits. They learn to live vicariously through what you do. They envision it.

I also include him in every day decisions. Oh he thinks I always take his advice, and mostly I do, but not always. We just don't tell when we know better and do what we think we have to do.

They have to feel they are still connected to us and the outside, because their life feels totally dismal and useless. So I make sure he IS a part of our life here.

Now, we are thinking about me moving before he gets out. I am going to look at a house tomorrow. I sent him pictures of it, so he can see what we are dealing with. We discuss things just like if he were home. It does help him feel like he isn't lost out there in space somewhere separate from our world here.

I send him newspaper articles about things in our area that he would be interested in, I keep sending him pictures of family, etc. I tell him all the gossip, I do the things like this so he feels he can close his eyes and picture it all happening. The family stuff, the news in the area, everything.

If I dent the car, I take a picture so he can see how bad it is or isn't.

They may not really be here with us, but we keep them in the loop, and feeling that they still matter in our lives. You have to look like you are doing fine, not falling apart, but still need them. You know men, their ego's need to be stroked a bit.

I think mine has been in 5 times. The longest time was 3.5 years. He got home, was out 10 months, and got in trouble again, probation violation, back in for 2 years. YIKES.... and so far has been gone AGAIN 1 year, with 1 year to go. So yea, I have been through this. It never gets easier, but you can make it a bit better on both of you by calming down, and still having a life. That don't mean go party constantly, but LIVE!!! And you will survive this better.

There is an awesome man on here named Rewdiazepam.... he gives us good advice. He has been in prison. He is also very funny. He calls me the " matriarch" of the group. No, I have just been on here 9 years. My son and fiance used to constantly be in and out of prison. Now son has been out 4 years and doing great. Wish my fiance could learn how to do that.

Oh yea, right now you miss him, and feel so bad for him. There will be days you get downright pissed at him for many things. They sometimes act like they have it so much worse than we do. Yes, they are in an awful place, but our life is no bed of roses either.

You are new into this, but you gotta learn quick, the only way to get through this is live for yourself too. Don't fall into a depression, don't fall into feeling so sorry for him you forget about yourself.

Hi, welcome to our group I am glad you found us but sorry for the reason. You just got some of the best advice from my two friend,they both have helped me through some tough times. My husband is serving a mandatory 15 year sentence and we are on year 10. I have to agree with wisconsin , the DA will try and scare you with a long sentence and then offer a plea, don't let them bully you!! My husband was first told he was facing 40 years and we were scared to death, then our lawyer argued him down to the 15 years. Really think hard about accepting a plea, the other guy who was involved in my husband's case took his case to court and will be home this year, and he'd played a bigger part in the case.
We had never been involved in anything like this before either. My husband had never been arrested before, not even a traffic violation so we had no idea what to expect. His whole case was based on conspiracy, it was a total joke!! We are very lucky to have are family stand by us but as for friends, you will really find out who your true one's are. I lost a close friend of over 30 years and I can't figure out why, we had been friends since 2nd grade, we lived together when we both turned 18 and she was the maid of honor at our wedding.
I don't know what more advice I can give you because my other 2 friend's covered everything I can think of. Just try and stay strong, you will have good days and bad ones but know someone is almost always here for you, we do understand what your going through. You can ask us anything and we do not judge, so no ? is a wrong one. Good luck and stay in touch.

Hugs,
Pat

I appreciate you ladies!! Thank you all for taking time to reassure me that things will be okay. I know it's not the end of the world and hopefully things will only get better. My husband has been to prison/jail many times but never while we were together. Like I said, this is all new to me. He does his best to make me feel at ease but also tells me to get mentally prepared for the road ahead. I can't change the past, all I can do is stick by him and hope everything works itself out.

Suchaslife I really felt warmed by your welcome! I honestly have 1 true friend in my life and he's in jail. Thank you for your friendly gestures and words of kindness! Congrats on your husband being home as well! I bet it's the greatest feeling ever!!

Ihatewisconsin my husband was thrilled to know I joined this group and there are people who are selfless and care about the well being of others. He said everything you said is absolutely on point!! You're very wise and a strong woman! Thank you again for your words! I hope each day to grow stronger so that I can endure this journey with him.

Pat I'm literally going through the same situation! It started as 1 charge and now it's 3! I too thought it was a form of intimidation but just the thought of it all is scary! All I can do is take it 1 day at a time and pray he won't be gone too long.

I'm definitely going to keep in touch with you all!! May god bless each and every one of you ladies!!

I also wanted to welcome you here. I'm fairly new here too and am sorry you are here but this site and these people have helped me beyond words. There is nowhere to go with our problems. And regarding friends not understanding? I so get that. They think it's easy to say dump him or forget about him, he was wrong and deserves this but the truth of the matter is until they are in our exact shoes they don't know what they'd do. Everyone on this earth makes mistakes every single day and most don't get caught. Everyone deserves to be loved and respected. EVERYONE. I really don't care what your crime is. So again, welcome. I was encouraged to start a journal and it took me awhile to do it but I'm really glad I did. x

Thank you for you welcome Daisy! You're right! Everyone deserves to be loved. He's been the most amazing man I could ever ask for so I don't care what people say. I plan to stick by his side and hope for the best! I plan on starting a journal for myself soon. I just write him everyday because it's the only time of day I feel connected to him aside from when he calls. Thank you for reaching out to me!

Take it a day at a time. My husband is currently in prison and these ladies are an amazing support. My husband is serving an extended sentence with the first part being prison. It's terrifying having a "perfect" life and suddenly it's gone. I had no appetite, I could barely function so my mum took me to live with her for the first week. We have 2 young children together so it was helpful to have mum look after me. It's been almost 4 weeks now and my appetite still isn't back fully yet but its getting there as I have said to my husband "it's ok I'm a fat lass, I can't starve quickly" but do try take care of yourself. The tears will eventually slow down. I cry every few days not as much as before. It's like a grieving process. One little step at a time. You're not alone through this.

Ihate i can't forget you guys!!!
It is good when they come home (we did 4 years ) it takes a little readjusting for both of us but we are getting there!
Keep writing to him (i wrote every day for the full 4 years ) talk about anything and everything it really helps! Take his calls its amazing what one of those calls can do on a bad day! See him when you can.
It is scary and totally stress full especially at the start (and at night)i hope you guys have a good lawyer.
Hugs!