Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
Its been close to a week that the facility my guy is at has been on lock down. I don't understand what is taking so long. Why are they on lock down? What is taking so long for them to figure out. I haven't heard from my guy in a week now and I'm freaking out. Crying and nervous. I just don't know what to do. I think of him all the time. I'm still getting work done and being a mom to my kids but inside I feel like I'm dieing. I miss him so much and I'm worried about him. His last letter was a week ago. I can't keep calling the facvility or they'll get irritated at me. I've written him at least three letters now and I have gotten nothing back yet. What is taking so long? Why can't he write me? Do they allow guys to write during a lockdown? What if his commissary was low and he has nothing to write me with now that they are on lockdown? Its not like him to completely ignore me and forget that I'm here. I am paying for his lawyer and we've been together for three years. I'm the only one that has been there for him all this time. He tells me how much I mean to him and then all of a sudden the calls stop and I find out he's on lockdown... I miss him so much. I can't keep going days like this while he's on lockdown. What can I do? How do I figure things out about him? Is he safe? I feel so lost and I want to be strong for him but I feel so inadequate... I need to hear his voice and know that he is ok.
he's safe...everyone's locked in their cells...nobody can get to your guy. Michael's always been able to send and receive mail just fine on lockdown...but if your guy doesn't have paper and envelopes, that could be why he isn't writing. maybe you could send him a couple envelopes and some paper...in case he might have run out. I wouldn't send more than 3 sheets of blank paper and 3 embossed envelopes per envelope as most prisons have limits as to how much can be sent in one envelope....and make sure you take them to the post office to have them weighed so you get the right postage on them.
Most of all, don't stress yourself out with worry, fear and panic. You can't change this situation, so you just have to roll with the punches. Give it some time, and this will pass
in the nearly 8.5 years that Michael has been gone...I've gone through countless lockdowns...waiting and wondering... but, they always end eventually, and things go back to normal again. The prison Michael is in has issues with the phones...they just started working after basically 2 months of being out of order. granted, that saved me some money...lol big bucks actually. He was finally able to call me sunday, and by then, I'd not heard his voice since our visit, the first week of last month.
It sucks for us, but we choose to stand by our men, and this is our life now. We don't get the control anymore....it's just a fact. People ask me all the time, how I've gone so long without him, and how I'm gonna do it for so many more years....this is my life...my love. I'll go through hell and back for my happily ever after...and the Ohio Department of Corrections is gonna make sure I go through hell and back.
I'm sure it sounds like I'm being cold when I say you just have to deal with these things...i'm not trying to be. You're just starting this process...and it's all new to you. Ya just have to learn to have patience...lots of it. Lockdowns aren't nearly as scary as they sound, and it's more of a pain in the ass than anything else.
Hon, you can quit worrying about your guy. Nothing bad happens to anyone on lockdown. There is no movement within the prison, no canteen unless the lockdown is for an extended period of time, mail will be limited----mail service will be limited---and he is most likely watching TV if he has one or sleeping or maybe even writing you a letter. The only way something bad could happen to him is if he had some catastrophic event like a heart attack, and he is much too young for that.
You have to remember that the prison or jail system does things on THEIR time, not on your time schedule. They could care less about your feelings or worries.
Since the lockdown has been more than just a few days, it may just be something simple. At the minimum I was at, we were locked down for almost 10 days while they fixed the hot water and some heating problems.
Your guy is NOT in imminent danger. Hell, give him some credit. I am sure he is not a mental cripple with MS or something. He can and will take care of himself.
He is NOT ignoring you. Why on earth would he do that? He is most likely low on stamps or writing supplies and has not been able to mail a letter.
There are ladies here on this very board and one of the other boards I post that have men in prison who will be there for YEARS and years, so keep your worrying and loss in perspective. Many of the ladies here have it a helluva lot harder than you do.
I know you love your guy, but sometimes you borrow trouble by worrying about irrational things or you worry about something that MIGHT happen---but odds are it never will.
I understand your love is real, but don't smother your guy. He has most likely not been able to mail his letters, if he has writing supplies.
Sometimes if a girl smothers her guy, it pushes him away. Just remember that. I think you are old enough that I don't have to tell you about boy/girl relationships, but just saying.
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He does not want to see you NOT because he doesn't love you, but there are possible other reasons. I was in prison, so let me explain and maybe you can see it from his viewpoint.
No matter how you look at it, prison is a humiliating experience. Every matter of your life, every bodily function, is controlled by someone else. They tell you when to pick up laundry, when to eat, when to go to work, and even when you can shower. Sometimes inmates become so disgusted with it all that they just do not want visitors.
An inmate has on a set of clothes that are tattered and probably not as clean as he would like. He probably has a raggedy pair of tennis shoes that not only look dorky, but they probably have a few holes in them. The cost for his entire set of clothes was probably only a few dollars.
Many inmates do not want their loved ones to see them in that condition. I remember when my mother first saw me in handcuffs she broke down and cried, which had a profound effect on me. Your guy, at this time, probably does not feel as if he is presentable enough to see you. He wants to spare you the grief of seeing him as an inmate rather than as the man you love.
Possibly he might feel ashamed about his appearance.
People sometimes forget that underneath that veneer of "toughness" and bravado, that inmates are just regular people. They bleed like everyone else and they have all the insecurities and emotions that everyone else has.
Inmates, for the most part, are very PRIDEFUL. The have pride. It is very difficult for a person with a lot of pride to be forced to present themselves as someone just one step above a homeless person.
I know, cmorton, that you don't mind seeing him this way, BUT IT BOTHERS HIM and that matters to him. Being treated like a dog is one thing, but to allow others to watch it on full display is just too much for some inmates. Nobody likes to be mistreated in front of the people they love.
He also knows you have three children and a job. You are a busy young lady. He does not want to rob you of some of your time with your kids just to see him. No, it is not because he does not love you, and it is not because he feels as if he is not worthy. It is out of consideration for you.
Unless you have been to prison, it is difficult to understand how prison plays with your mind.
He will visit you in time. Why would he not? You have done nothing wrong. He is not going to have a light bulb go off in his head someday and just decide he no longer wants to love you. You are his lifeline.
Things will be fine, but you have to learn P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E.
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Many posters on here are young enough to be by daughters. I care more about all the ladies on here than anyone will ever realize. I know it is a tough road everyone is traveling, as I made the journey once myself.
But part of support is sometimes telling someone something they do not want to hear.
cmorton, let me explain about inmates. After talking to many inmates over the years, there are two things about a lady they like: 1) her ability to get things done and 2) they do not like ladies who put a lot of drama on the table.
You found a lawyer for him and that was getting things done. I am most certain that that impressed him and trust me, he loves you for it. That took some courage and a get-it-done attitude. Hell, it even impressed me.
But inmates have put up with so much BS over the years, that they just want some peace and quiet. They do not want a lady who falls apart at each and every obstacle and becomes a drama queen, as they have had enough of that already.
You are so young, and you are doing 1000% better than when you first came on the board.
Just think about these things.
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