Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
Having been in prison for several years, from time to time I write my thoughts about prison, the ladies who support inmates, and how inmates think.
Much has been said regarding those ladies who love and support their guy in prison. You ladies have been ridiculed for sticking with your guy, you have been accused of being "hard up" and unable to find anyone else but an inmate in prison, and you have been deemed stupid for putting your life on hold for a guy in prison.
None of that is true as I have said many times.
But I wanted to focus on an issue of visitation and on the effect that visitation from that special person has on an inmate.
I think it is important for you ladies to know and understand---from someone who has been there for many years---just what YOU and your visits mean to these guys.
You ladies make a dreary, sometimes nearly hopeless, existence much brighter for a person in prison. Visitation day is always a special day. The sun seems to shine brighter and all the problems of being an inmate seem to subside on the day of a visit.
Visiting day transforms an inmate from a normally stressed, very serious individual to an individual going on that first date with his special lady.
It makes some normally somber guys downright giddy. They primp---as much as guys know how---they plan and they wait....and wait....and wait.
I had one cellmate that was so excited when his girlfriend came to visit that I thought he was going to wear the soles off his shoes pacing back and forth before the visit. He was a nervous wreck. Why? Because despite being labeled a "felon" and reviled by a world that has no understanding of the issues, he still loved his girlfriend and wanted to look his best. BTW, that guy borrowed my tennis shoes as they were nicer and whiter and he wanted to look nice for his girlfriend.
On the night before a visiting day, clothes get washed and dried by hand, faces get clean shaven, and buttons get sewn back on shirts. There is hardly a sink empty for use as the inmates are hand washing their clothes to look their best for the person they love.
I saw the excitement in these guys' eyes as they were anticipating a visit. It was sort of like a miraculous transformation into a teenager on his first date instead of a "rough, touch inmate." Getting visits changes inmates from one of hopelessness and despair to one of being able to look into the future with hope.
This anticipation and the effect it has on inmates applies not only to girlfriends, but wives and mothers, also.
So the next time some fool mentions to you ladies that your guy is just "using you" or does not appreciate the visits and the things you do for him, you can tell them they know not what they are talking about. I was there. I saw the uplifting effect a visit has on an inmate. BTW, the mail call has the same effect, though not as pronounced.
Sure some of you will get burned by your guy in prison, but it is not necessarily because he is in prison. Ladies get burned all the time anyway and relationships do not work out in the real world also. Being in prison really has nothing to do with it. Just because an inmate is in prison does not mean he is an inherently bad person.
We have to realize that yes, inmates in prison are felons and have broken the law, but they are also human beings and they inherently respond to compassion with all the feelings and emotions that everyone else does.
I have long maintained that the ladies---and guys---who visit and support those in prison are the salt of the earth. There can be no better human beings than those that visit a person locked up.
This is coming from the horses' mouth. Do not allow anyone to tell you different.
rewdiazepam
Much has been said regarding those ladies who love and support their guy in prison. You ladies have been ridiculed for sticking with your guy, you have been accused of being "hard up" and unable to find anyone else but an inmate in prison, and you have been deemed stupid for putting your life on hold for a guy in prison.
None of that is true as I have said many times.
But I wanted to focus on an issue of visitation and on the effect that visitation from that special person has on an inmate.
I think it is important for you ladies to know and understand---from someone who has been there for many years---just what YOU and your visits mean to these guys.
You ladies make a dreary, sometimes nearly hopeless, existence much brighter for a person in prison. Visitation day is always a special day. The sun seems to shine brighter and all the problems of being an inmate seem to subside on the day of a visit.
Visiting day transforms an inmate from a normally stressed, very serious individual to an individual going on that first date with his special lady.
It makes some normally somber guys downright giddy. They primp---as much as guys know how---they plan and they wait....and wait....and wait.
I had one cellmate that was so excited when his girlfriend came to visit that I thought he was going to wear the soles off his shoes pacing back and forth before the visit. He was a nervous wreck. Why? Because despite being labeled a "felon" and reviled by a world that has no understanding of the issues, he still loved his girlfriend and wanted to look his best. BTW, that guy borrowed my tennis shoes as they were nicer and whiter and he wanted to look nice for his girlfriend.
On the night before a visiting day, clothes get washed and dried by hand, faces get clean shaven, and buttons get sewn back on shirts. There is hardly a sink empty for use as the inmates are hand washing their clothes to look their best for the person they love.
I saw the excitement in these guys' eyes as they were anticipating a visit. It was sort of like a miraculous transformation into a teenager on his first date instead of a "rough, touch inmate." Getting visits changes inmates from one of hopelessness and despair to one of being able to look into the future with hope.
This anticipation and the effect it has on inmates applies not only to girlfriends, but wives and mothers, also.
So the next time some fool mentions to you ladies that your guy is just "using you" or does not appreciate the visits and the things you do for him, you can tell them they know not what they are talking about. I was there. I saw the uplifting effect a visit has on an inmate. BTW, the mail call has the same effect, though not as pronounced.
Sure some of you will get burned by your guy in prison, but it is not necessarily because he is in prison. Ladies get burned all the time anyway and relationships do not work out in the real world also. Being in prison really has nothing to do with it. Just because an inmate is in prison does not mean he is an inherently bad person.
We have to realize that yes, inmates in prison are felons and have broken the law, but they are also human beings and they inherently respond to compassion with all the feelings and emotions that everyone else does.
I have long maintained that the ladies---and guys---who visit and support those in prison are the salt of the earth. There can be no better human beings than those that visit a person locked up.
This is coming from the horses' mouth. Do not allow anyone to tell you different.
rewdiazepam
I usually buy some new clothes to wear (sometimes he makes a special request). I bought my first pair of four-inch heels for one such occasion. Ouch! I'm in gym shoes or barefoot most of the time, so the new shoes were a bit painful, but that's what he wanted, so that's what he got!
I used to write long letters, but when I learned from someone on this forum that Mail Call is a really big deal, I've begun writing shorter letters, but more frequently.
He trys to look good for me too but that's a bit hard to do when you only have green things to pick from!
If they weren't interested in the relationship, they would not bother to primp before a visit like I have seen them do.
If they did not care about you, they would not care how they looked.
This is proof that, yes, they do have an emotional interest and they do appreciate you ladies and yes, they are interested in maintaining the relationship.
Just keep that in mind, ladies.
rewdiazepam
My man gets us the food and soft drinks when I see him yep its my money but for him its one of the few ways he can do something for me yep we get a bit of Shit from other visitors coz he does that then I tell them at least he cares enough to do that for me.
I write daily to him, some letters are longer than others, mainly because we are responding to one another. But I mail my letters every couple of days. He knows my pattern, so he looks forward to it.
One inmate even got jealous because he was getting a lot of mail. The inmate asked him why he got so much mail - he told him that he gets letters from his wife, kids and mother. The guy told him he was lucky. I know if it wasn't for my letters and visits, he would feel hopeless.
My guy always looked good on the outside, never messy, so this was important to him. A few times he came to the visit looking disheveled, or sleepy, and then I could tell he had something going on in there.
I saw how excited his friend in there got when he finally got his wife and kids to come. She came so rarely. Then she started not showing up, after promising him she would. I guess he was devastated and suicidal. Later, she completely stopped accepting his calls, was on FB showing pictures of herself with other guys, and his kids didn't write, visit, either and weren't able to accept calls because the mom didn't get phone time. It was sad. I didn't know him and I worried about him.
We were fortunate to have up to 5 hours, 7 days a week if we wanted. We could play cards, buy snacks, etc. So it was sort of normal.
It was always good to see young dad's see their babies, as it was the only way they could watch them growing. I always hoped that they would be getting out soon. Never did find out most of the time.
Thanks Rew... for posting this. Loved it. Made me smile, and cry for those who don't have those visits. Everyone deserves to be loved. Or how would they come out and be a good person, why would they?? Ya gotta have someone out there that shows they love and care about you or there is no purpose to life.