Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I am a guy, a wrongly convicted sex offender, and I spent almost a decade in prison.
Over the years I have helped support many wives and mothers with sons in the prison system.
You ladies are fantastic with courage and a devotion you just do not see much these days. Many of the people that might criticize you for sticking with your man could never muster up the stick-to-it-ness to do what you do. It is not that they wouldn't---they couldn't. They are just not quality human beings, but you certainly are. I admire you all---and I mean that.
A long time ago, even when I was still in prison, I began to understand the prominent role you ladies---wives, mothers, girlfriends, and family members----play in an inmate's life.
I would see them on the visiting yard every visiting day, waiting in long lines, possibly being disrespected by staff, waiting for the man they love. They did not mind the hardships because they had a deep love for the man in prison.
Folks, love and devotion does not get much better than that.
Inmates are a proud bunch of people and they will never admit it, but you are the glue that holds the entire relationship or marriage together.
I think back at all the ladies who gave their all and persevered under hellacious circumstances to love and support their guy and I am truly humbled.
And trust me, I don't get humbled or emotional very often. It's a man thing, you know.
I am sure all of you are doing the best you can. Money does not grow on trees out here and your responsibilities are enormous. Prison is certainly tough, but you are having no picnic either.
Here is what inmates do not understand---and maybe don't care----about their families, their wives, mothers, or girlfriends. Even though prison is unpleasant, they do not have any real responsibilities. An inmate gets up, goes to work, comes back to the cell, and that is about it. He does not have to worry about laundry, getting fed, earning a living, going to the doctor, etc., because it is all there for him. Really all he has to do is be there.
A wife on the outside does not have it so easy. She has to get up, fix breakfast for her and her children, go to work, pay the bills, keep a roof over her head, do the laundry, keep the car running, make sure the lawn is mowed, keep the house in working order PLUS if she has children, they must be fed, little Johnny must be sent to school, small Suzy has things she must do also.
Does the inmate have to stay up half the night when one of the kids get sick? Nope, no children. He lets mama on the outside do that.
Does the inmate have to deal with his wife having to drive five or six hours to see him in an old rattle trap car? Nope, not his responsibility to see the car is in running order with enough gasoline to make the trip.
Does the inmate have to set aside money each month to send to someone else? Nope, everything is take care of him on the inside.
Does the inmate have to worry about being ridiculed by other people because of his charges? Does the inmate worry about being shunned? Nope, not in there. The woman and family takes all the heat.
The women are collateral damage and they have been placed in a position they never asked for. This is not an easy road.
I could go on and on, but I won't.
The family does the time with the inmate BUT the family has even more responsibilities.
The women have it pretty damn tough out here working and supporting an inmate, but they do it because they LOVE them.
I am sure God bestows his blessings on you all each and every day.
How do I know all this? Well, I was there and saw it all unfold week after week.
Hang in there,
rewdiazepam
Over the years I have helped support many wives and mothers with sons in the prison system.
You ladies are fantastic with courage and a devotion you just do not see much these days. Many of the people that might criticize you for sticking with your man could never muster up the stick-to-it-ness to do what you do. It is not that they wouldn't---they couldn't. They are just not quality human beings, but you certainly are. I admire you all---and I mean that.
A long time ago, even when I was still in prison, I began to understand the prominent role you ladies---wives, mothers, girlfriends, and family members----play in an inmate's life.
I would see them on the visiting yard every visiting day, waiting in long lines, possibly being disrespected by staff, waiting for the man they love. They did not mind the hardships because they had a deep love for the man in prison.
Folks, love and devotion does not get much better than that.
Inmates are a proud bunch of people and they will never admit it, but you are the glue that holds the entire relationship or marriage together.
I think back at all the ladies who gave their all and persevered under hellacious circumstances to love and support their guy and I am truly humbled.
And trust me, I don't get humbled or emotional very often. It's a man thing, you know.
I am sure all of you are doing the best you can. Money does not grow on trees out here and your responsibilities are enormous. Prison is certainly tough, but you are having no picnic either.
Here is what inmates do not understand---and maybe don't care----about their families, their wives, mothers, or girlfriends. Even though prison is unpleasant, they do not have any real responsibilities. An inmate gets up, goes to work, comes back to the cell, and that is about it. He does not have to worry about laundry, getting fed, earning a living, going to the doctor, etc., because it is all there for him. Really all he has to do is be there.
A wife on the outside does not have it so easy. She has to get up, fix breakfast for her and her children, go to work, pay the bills, keep a roof over her head, do the laundry, keep the car running, make sure the lawn is mowed, keep the house in working order PLUS if she has children, they must be fed, little Johnny must be sent to school, small Suzy has things she must do also.
Does the inmate have to stay up half the night when one of the kids get sick? Nope, no children. He lets mama on the outside do that.
Does the inmate have to deal with his wife having to drive five or six hours to see him in an old rattle trap car? Nope, not his responsibility to see the car is in running order with enough gasoline to make the trip.
Does the inmate have to set aside money each month to send to someone else? Nope, everything is take care of him on the inside.
Does the inmate have to worry about being ridiculed by other people because of his charges? Does the inmate worry about being shunned? Nope, not in there. The woman and family takes all the heat.
The women are collateral damage and they have been placed in a position they never asked for. This is not an easy road.
I could go on and on, but I won't.
The family does the time with the inmate BUT the family has even more responsibilities.
The women have it pretty damn tough out here working and supporting an inmate, but they do it because they LOVE them.
I am sure God bestows his blessings on you all each and every day.
How do I know all this? Well, I was there and saw it all unfold week after week.
Hang in there,
rewdiazepam
And for you as a man to realize this and to thank us means alot. Sometimes we wonder. Sometimes we think no one appreciates us.
Your description of men in prison make me think of the military. Two differant worlds for the man but not for the women left behind to take care of it all.
God bless you!
Right now we are trying to deal with getting me my visits, which for some reason has just hit a snag, for no apparent good reason. I haven't seen him in 6 month and going crazy.
Oh I have definitely brought up the fact of what I have to deal with compared to him. Just once he said, well you are free, I am not. I don't have choices like you do. THAT ticked me off, and I said: " Oh my god, you asked for it now. YOU are in there because of the choices YOU made. I didn't choose this life. YOU chose it for both of us. YOU could be out here enjoying life, and helping me deal with things, but YOU decided the stupid things you did to get there were better than real life. So now this is what YOU have to deal with. But in some ways, I would trade you in a heartbeat. I am sick of being broke, sick of being alone, sick of broken down cars, frozen water pipes in the winter, mowing the yard, fixing things in the house I have no clue how to do, going without tv, which you have in there, going without so much. Because of your choices.
He is now very humble and nice. He thanks me if I get him anything, he tells me he loves me.
He gets a little bossy and controlling on the phone.. that's ok. I let him think I am listening. Then I do what I feel is right, and he don't now everything I do MY WAY...
And if he gets a little too demanding on the phone.. I let him say what he has to say... then I write him a reeeeally long letter with my opinion on what that phone call was like for me and what I think. I don't get hung up on that way. He may call after he read it a little cranky, but he keeps calling and gets sweeter and sweeter.
I just told him in the latest letter, You have an awesome fiance, and you damn well better realize it. Ask your buddies what their women do for them. Do most of them go to the lengths I do to make you happy? Not from what you tell me. Do most of them stick by them over and over again? Doubt it.
Oh I bet some days he just KNOWS he will be getting one of THOSE letters. But I lay out everything in those letters. He can't hang up on me with a letter. He can if I try to talk like this on the phone.
I have lost many jobs the times he has been in. Usually just because of the job situation, nothing to do with him being in. But he hounds and hounds me to get a job, find a job, keep looking, can't lose everything we have. BLAH BLAH BLAH.. don't he think that is why I can't sleep ever?
I am fortunate I don't have kids to deal with like so many do. I don't know how I would handle that. Mine are grown up and not his.
Yup, I have driven those long rides from hell, in snow, sleet, rain, tornadoes.. I am more reliable than the mailman. Even they don't go out in the worst weather like I have and other women on here have. I drove with a tornado coming behind me. To get home from seeing him. I drove in blizzards so bad, I had to pull over a million times. It took 6 hours to get home, when it was a 2 hour drive. I freaked out but did it week after week. Sometimes 3 or more times a week. Spent a fortune on gas and phone calls. Fortune on canteen, and all the things he requested that I get him that he NEEDED like underwear cuz he couldn't wear their's, that other men had worn before. I agree, that is ishy, but I made him wear those. Didn't buy underwear. HAHA I got tough on that one and spent a fortune on yet another tv. Why the hell can't we send back the prison ordered tv he just had? It is clear, completely sealed up. No way to put anything in them.
I keep going back to what you just wrote. You damn right we are the glue that holds them together. I see it now. He is freaking out that I still can't visit. He is sick of the guys there. The loud, obnoxious ones that do not care about anyone else. He is sick of people he would never talk to out here, but in his face all the time. He needs ME. Not just to see me because he loves and misses me. I am HOME to him. Ladies WE are HOME to them. We are the light at the end of the tunnel. We are the people that still love them no matter what. We are the women that will go hungry so we get our calls. We will drive through FIRE if we had to, to see them.
AND then we gotta wonder, why did you do this to US? It isn't just about them. And Rew covered that quite well.
I have learned to tell him what he needs to know on the phone, then after I have made the " executive decision" on something he would of had a different idea about... I tell him in a letter, after the fact. HAHA Ya gotta learn to play it the way it works. If they act like babies if they don't get their way, just don't tell them everything. It just keeps them less stressed out and cranky.
He does not understand that after 15 years with him, FOR BETTER OR WORSE.. I have figured many things out about him. I know his weaknesses and strengths. I can predict what he is going to say about something before he says it. You gotta get smart to last through all this and still love them sometimes. HAHA
I sat at work today... bored out of my mind, as stupid plastic parts came out slowly down the conveyor belt, and I just robotic like put them in the container, over and over again. It reminded me what his day would be like. Same boring thing over and over, day after day.
As he has no choice now about much of anything in there. WE out here have no choice but to learn to survive. We can ask their advice on things, and if it helps, fine. If not... say thanks honey, appreciate your input, then do what you think is right for the situation.
Sometimes I have been so broke since he has been gone AGAIN, I have had to search my car floor, or pockets in jackets, little bins I put money in, anything. Collect enough change to get gas to get to work or anywhere. Did he ever live like that? Hell no.
I really wish they could experience this side of it. But I know that even though he loves me, if it were reversed and he were out and I were in... OMG I would not be the one getting money sent, phone calls paid for, canteen money, and all the rest. He would be off and running, partying and saying how dumb I was for being there. And I surely let him know from time to time that this is what happens when he lives like that.
Yes REW we are the glue that holds them together.. but believe me after the 4th or 5th time of this, I am tired of it, and I let him know it ALL the time in letter.
Some letters I get TOO harsh and they get ripped up. They are therapy for me. BUT most of the time, if he is just not getting it and being too cranky and too demanding.. oh he gets letters he will regret I sent. AND he becomes nicer.
The new people on here are still in that scared sad phase. I am still sad, but after all these times, you learn to cope differently. You don't make them into some POOR SAINT.. you don't coddle them all the time. SOMETIMES yes, just not all the time. Or they won't think that what they did was that bad.
When my heat was turned off and I was burning candles and standing by them in my coat in the house, I thought that prison serves food, which I don't have much of now, they give you windows, walls and roof, which I could of lost. You even get cable channels. I had NONE. You have exercise rooms. I can't join a fitness center. They take you to the dr free or have a dr there. I can't go unless I am almost dying... and then get a huge bill.
You get your teeth taken care of, your glasses free.. and more. BUT then, he can't choose to have a hot fudge sundae, or go to the baseball game, or go for a walk near a lake. SO we all have it hard. BUT they have to appreciate us. And if they don't. Let them know you deserve it. I sure do.