It may be that your guy is going through a process of awareness (the what, where, how, and why of his situation) and that he is blaming himself and shaming himself for the mess that he's in. It may be that his self-esteem is in the pit right now and he doesn't want to drag anyone down there with him or even be seen in his place of despair.

Don't fight with him or argue with him. Just keep on loving him and praying for him. Keep on sending cards and letters, making sure that the contents are cheery and positive. Don't talk to him about feelings -- yours or his -- for awhile. When he's ready for it, he'll bring it up.

I'm pretty sure this isn't the answer you're looking for, but I think you should try it. You can be the strong one now, strong enough for both of you. He won't always be like this. I promise.

Has he ever acted like this with you in the past? I agree that he maybe going through a very hard time of reflectio. Added with normal depression from being incarcerated, I see how he could want to shut everyone out right now. I know it is heart breaking for you, and I don't have a specific answer. However, I agree that you should continue writing and sending him cards. Is anyone else visiting him at this point(ie...family, friends)?

I'm so sorry. This must be so painful for you! I agree with October. He is ashamed. He can't face you right now. Try to think about how he feels- try to forgive him for holding you at a distance right now. It will be a challenge, because it hurts and you want to feel connected to him right now. Have faith in your relationship- it is being tested. You can keep it strong by your behavior right now. He seems to be acting out- understandable, considering where he is and the fact that you guys don't know what the outcome is yet. So you have to be as strong and patient and loving as you can- to him AND to yourself. Write notes and hang them where you can see them- things you need to hold onto. I have "He loves me", and "The best is yet to come", among other things. It is a test, for sure, and you can pass it if you really love him and want to be with him.

He's angry because I sent the visiting application in without asking him... I got the letter four months after he sent it. What do I do about this? Yes, I love him and I will do anyting for him. I will always write him.. I just need him to talk to me and he won't. He feels that I deserve silence for sending out the app without asking first... what if he never talk or writes to me again?

Maybe he is worried about breaking down in tears if he see's you. He could be worried about the other men seeing him weak.
You didn't do anything wrong. Seeing you right now might just be too painful for him. I'm sure the pain of missing you is unbearable. I'd agree just keep writing letters of support and encouragement.
I'm sorry you are feeling alone. Keep the faith things this will pass and you will feel better.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he doesn't want visitors. when that first letter was lost in the mail, he thought he dodged the bullet, and wouldn't have to resend a visit app. Of course, then he says "no" everytime your requested one. Well, now that letter shows up....and even though you knew he didn't want you to send in the app, you did it...and you told him about it. I'm sure he probably feels like you're not respecting his wishes. At this point in time, he can't control much of what goes on in his life...and so he may want things to be "just so" When you threw a wrench in his system by mailing that application, he may feel you disrespected him. Disrespect is HUGE in prison. Things that may seem silly to us on the outside, or not that big of a deal, suddenly become huge to a guy who's locked up.
Yeah, I know, my explanation isn't what you want to hear, but I talked to Michael today and that was his best idea of what might be going on. I hope things get better for ya

River I think you are right. He doesn't want visitors, period.. He has made that clear and I saw that app and of course I told him. I tell him everything. He's mad at me and now he just wants to be mad. I am trying to tell him how sorry I am... and I won't do it again... I just need him to forgive me.. You are right.. I don't know how to make this better. he's my best friend and my lover. we've been together 3 years... its been tough but we are getting through this... he doesnt hate me.. he's just mad.. I know I hurt his flow of things when I sent the app. he didn't want it sent and he doesn't want his counselor knowing anything about his family or friends.. including me, his girlfridnd... I know he needs time to cope and to forgive me.. but I just need to tell him how sorry i am.. the last things i'd ever want to do is hurt him. or take his pride away.

River please thank your michael for giving the advise. As much as I would like to think otherwise, I think that he's hugely upset that I went against something that he can control... I need to be more sensitive to him.. and what he wants..even if its not what I want... its hard to do this with out him calling me.. but I'll keep writing him... cuz i love him.. i will apologize to him over and over... thanks.

ok, from my personal experience...don't apologize over and over....that will likely only aggravate him more. Michael and I have had a couple doozies over the years. If I feel I need to apologize, I do. I apologize sincerely and whole heartedly....but I let the issue go with that. Apologizing over and over and over again is like rubbing salt in a wound...and soon, it'll be like he's more irritated with you being repetitive when all he wants is time to get over why he's mad in the first place. Don't smother him right now. Let him just be mad if that's what he needs.

The biggest mistake you made was not taking into consideration what your guy wanted and his wishes. He had told you on numerous occasions that he did not want any visitors, yet you mailed the visiting form in anyway.

Why did you do that?

Visiting apparently is a very touchy subject to him. I can only speculate, but here is what is most likely happening.
Many inmates have a lot of pride and they do not like to be seen by the people they care about in tattered clothes, in a jail/prison environment, and maybe even in handcuffs. To many inmates, prison is a very humiliating experience.
He is probably a little ashamed to be in the situation he is in right now---but he has no choice. He does not want you to see him this way. It would make him feel DEGRADED and less of a man to be seen that way---and guys do not like that AT ALL.

It also does not help when he realizes that any visitor might be subjected to some harshness and rudeness by the jail or prison staff. Then when you visit you have to look at all the depressing, dirty surroundings and you might even see some of the other terrible, filthy inmates. He just does not want to be seen like that----PERIOD.

Guys are different than women in that society teaches them that they have to be in control and strong. To be placed in such a harsh environment as jail or prison----and not in control at all----just really bothers some guys. They can handle it, but they don't want others to see them that way.

Now I fully realize that you just want to see the man you love and you don't care about his clothes or anything else, but HE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE YOU---and that is what is important to him right now.

He does not want to see you because he does not love you, but he is just stressed right now.

You might say that you NEED to see him and that you are having a difficult time without him. Do you think he is having a fun time in jail? Jail is a miserable existence. The food is not much more than table slop, you sleep on a plastic mattress that is less that one inch thick (no pillow), many times there is no TV or radio, a set of clothes on an inmate might---MIGHT---have a total value of two dollars. Showers are sometimes hard to come by, there is not enough heat in the winter and no AC in the summer. To make it even worse, some of the other inmates you have to deal with are just terrible, nasty human beings---yet you are thrown into close quarters with them on a 24/7 basis. Then there are all the stupid rules the DOC or the jail people have.

It is no wonder that he is stressed to the max in there. If he did sort of fly off the handle at you, then it is understandable.

So while you may be suffering---and I am sure you are---your guy is really having a tough time.

He felt that you disrespected him when you sent in the visiting form. You probably did not think much about it, and I am sure your did not intend to disrespect him, but he felt you did. People in prison think a lot differently than people on the outside.

RESPECT is of the utmost importance in prison. It is difficult for a wife, mother, or girlfriend to understand the magnitude of the importance of respect in prison. Here is why it is some important to inmates: in prison or jail, an inmate has nothing. Every inmate is basically like the next inmate in that all they have in there is a ratty pair of clothes and a pair of shoes which may or may not have holes in them. They don't want to be that way, but they have no choice. If they don't have respect, they have nothing.

They are all broke with no money. Since they are all in the same boat, all they have left is RESPECT and they demand that same respect from other inmates and everyone else. I have seen guys get into terrible fist fights just because another inmate had his radio too loud or failed to hold the door open for someone as they were leaving the chow hall.

So, no, you did not do anything that terrible. He NEEDS SOME SPACE. Continue writing him and telling you love him, but don't you dare mention one damn word about visiting. DON'T SMOTHER HIM AND DON'T BE PUSHY. Keep writing. There is nothing you can magically say right now that will make him "un-mad" at you.
Play it cool, but keep the letters coming.

And when you write your letters, quit apologizing so much. One or two heartfelt apologies are enough. If you continue to say "I am sorry" he will never get this incident out of his mind.

Sometimes, Hon, you are too FRETFUL and worry too much. This will all take care of itself.

At some point, he will want to see you. There is nothing you can say to get him over this mad spell. He will get over this and everything will be back to normal again.

These prison relationships are so difficult because the man in prison and his lady outside are coming from such different environments. It takes time and a lot of understanding for each person to fully understand the other.

Relax. He is not going to stay mad at you forever.

rewdiazepam

I don't know why I did it. I just saw the app and I wanted to see him so bad. I see him in court all the time. I didn't see the problem... He's so angry now. I have written and he still hasn't called. I don't even know if he's getting my letters. It'll be 5 days tomorrow. I feel terrible and I just wish there was a way that I could tell him how sorry I am...

.The reason he don't want people know who he associates with is this is prison not a cocktail party there are rapists,child molesters,people who get a thrill out of hurting or killing people and he don't want to put you or anyone in danger

as for the visit application he mad because He told you he didn't want visitors and you went ahead and did the opposite of what he told you and when he sent it to you he probably thought he would be out by time you got it and mailed it back...

as for apologizing to him do it once and be done do not keep opening the wound and if you want send him a I'm sorry card and be done

as for him not calling or writing he blowing off steam he probably getting your letters but not reading them because right now he is probably livid at you and probably don't want to say the wrong thing and chances of him not writing or talking to you again is very slim

CMorton, there are all walks of life in prison...not just rapists or molestors. Our loved ones are in prison for a crime they may or may not have done and I do not like to label anyone! Nevertheless...I agree with Rew, I think it is more about respecting his wishes. We have no idea what it is like for our loved ones while incarcerated, just as they do not realize the struggles and heartbreak we are going through on the "outside". Be strong and keep your chin up. I know you are hurting, but he is too and I think he is just taking his hurt out on you. Doesn't make it right or hurt any less, but I am sure he is sorry for hurting you, it just may take a little time for him to be able to express that remorse to you. ;-)

A few years ago when my fiance was in prison, he was angry all the time, hung up on me alot and then stopped calling or writing for SIX months. I thought I would die. He refused my visits, it was like he just didn't exist anymore. But I kept writing to him. I still wrote to him what was happening out here, I did say I missed him, but learned to stop begging and preaching to him.

My son, of all people, who doesn't always get along with my fiance, was also in prison. He started writing to my fiance, he got him to see through his eyes that yes HE did understand what my fiance was feeling being in there, he did understand the anger and frustration. More than anyone out here could. He got him to start seeing he was hurting me, and it wasn't my fault he was in there.

This last 3 year stint fiance was in prison, he was a lot different. He was taking it seriously. No, he didn't really do anything bad to get put back in there, but he took responsibility for the fact that he had made choices that still put him at risk of going back in. He finally got it after a heart attack in prison and getting beat up by guards, that this was not the life he wanted anymore. That he was getting too old to risk his future on a stupid can of beer.

Home now 4 months, he is doing awesome. Hasn't went back to his drinking ways, is working hard, and enjoying being able to buy things with his paycheck and pay bills ON TIME.

But my original point was, some of these guys do go through an angry, ashamed, reflecting period. You have to deal with it and give him the space he needs. I know it is hard, believe me. When mine completely ignored me for six months I was beyond a basket case. But he did read my letters. All of them. And kept them. He just didn't respond for quite awhile. He later told me that life in there was shitty. He did not want to think about me out here, in a normal world. He did not want to think what a mess my life was because of him. He did not want to see my sad eyes, or hear the sadness in my voice on the phone. He had to go through this without me for awhile. Yes, it hurt. But he was hurting and not able to show sadness in prison. Had to be " tough" or they would consider him a wimp, and take advantage of him in so many bad ways, or worse.

We cannot know all that goes on in there. REW is the best one for the information he can provide firsthand.

I know what he just said to you was tough to read, but he was right on.

Please try to just ride this out, mine finally came to his senses, and got through what he was going through and called. Yours will too, if you give him the space he needs.

He called today. He had to blow off some steam and was indeed reading my letters. He still cares for me though he's still irritated that I sent in the application. He says he is finally able to talk to me and he misses me all the time. I was in bad sorts monday, I didn't even go to work but he called me today and it was wonderful. He took me out of my depressed and bleak mood instantly. I did tell him that I was upset he didn't call for 6 days but I understood why he didn't. I'm trying to put myself in his shoes. Understand where he is coming from and its easier for me to see why he doesn't want certain things. This is about him, not me.