you can make it through today. I know it's hard, and can feel like you just can't do it, but you've come this far, you'll continue. with time, things will get easier to handle.
I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your son. a month ago was the anniversary of my sister's daughter Izzy's birth. she too was a still birth. she was perfect in everyway, and by a fluke, she lost her. it's very painful, and we think of her often, and miss the baby we never knew.
Maybe you could get out today, go to a park and take a walk. the fall colors are coming in. do something to honor your son's memory, or something that your man would enjoy. come home and write about it, let him know what you did.
I remember when my man first went in. those first couple weeks, I was a mess too....I could hardly stand being in a room with myself. it gets better. just don't let life slip by without taking time to enjoy the little things and little moments.

Unfortunately, cmorton, you have a long road ahead of you if you don't get some help and maybe get on some meds.

You may get better with time, but you definitely need to see a doctor that cares.

This thing and your grief is bigger than you are and it is overwhelming you. Do you remember the Battle of the Alamo in San Antonio, Texas in 1836? Surely you have seen a movie about it.
I think John Wayne played Davy Crockett in one movie version.

Do you remember how the thousands of Mexican soldiers were overrunning the Alamo and they just kept coming? And how the Texans and members of the Alamo could not shoot fast enought to stop the deluge of Mexican soldiers. And no matter how fast they shot the soldiers kept coming and finally overran them?

This is what I am afraid, in my professional opinion, is happening to you. Events and your emotions are like the Mexican soldiers and you cannot fight them off fast enought, as they are coming faster than your mind can process them. Every day some new events upsets you and your emotions are overwhelming and overruning you just like the soldiers at the Alamo.

Did you make another doctor's appointment? Just making the appointment would be a STEP in the right direction. Remember baby steps.

I don't want to particularly want to get anyone on meds, but sometimes it is necessary.

You WILL get through this simply because you HAVE to. You have no choice. But it would be a lot easier if you sought out some professional help.

rewdiazepam

I know I have to make it through this. I'm trying but I just don't feel strong today. Today I just want to cry and think of how much this whole thing sucks. I just want this to be over and life back to normal with him by my side. He doesn't belong there. He belongs with me. I'm a mess more today than I have been the last couple days.. Its just not a good day for me...

Hon, at some point you will need to get off the pity pot. This is helping no one, certainly not yourself or your children, who should be your first priority. You are needlessly keeping yourself in an emotional frenzy with this.

Sure, there is a grieving period and you are entitled to that, but many other women here are going through the same thing you are. They are all hurting and they miss their guy just as much as you miss yours, but most of them have learned to cope.

I know that this is a support forum, but part of support is sometimes telling people "like it is." Sometimes life is not fair, and we have to learn to be tough and persevere. You are allowing your imagination to control your mind.

I hope you someday find a doctor. I cannot imagine that there are no doctor's that will write for an antidepressant, which is non-addicting and not even a controlled substance. If the medical profession is in this kind of shape, I am glad I am not there anymore.

Just my two cents.

rewdiazepam

I know Rew. I'm trying to cope. I am not the only one that misses her guy. I'm just having a very emotional day. I'll get through this. I know I can't always be on the pity pot. I just feel helpless today. I will find strength to make it through because I know I have to. You've been a help in all of this as have others. It just seems more real to me every day and not knowing is really making me crazy. I'm sure there are doctors I can see but I'll have to do some digging to find the ones that participate with my insurance.

You will have up days and down days through this whole thing, so you need to find ways to help it however you can. YES YOU DO HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR. Make that your mission tomorrow.

We all get on our pity party, then figure out later it sure didn't help us at all. Remember, to get stronger, you have to force yourself to do things you don't feel like doing. And sometimes as you are doing those things, you get so busy that for a little while you forget what you were so upset about. Even if it's only a few moments. Then the moments get longer.

Forcing ourselves to go our of our comfort zone can end up to be our saving grace. Once we see that we CAN do these things that seem impossible, then its easier to do a few more things day by day by day.

Oh this is going to take awhile, but we ain't giving up on you. So don't give up on yourself, either. And think of your kids. Use them as your motivating force. Yes, somedays we don't want to be needed by anyone. But ya know what? At their young ages, they do need you. Children learn by example too. Be an example to them. You can show them that yes, sometimes we are sad, but we can overcome some things by trying really really hard.

One step today, three steps tomorrow. We are going to now push you a little beyond those baby steps. I want a progress report tomorrow. THREE things you did today that needed to be done, and that distracted you.

This is your Mama Bear speaking. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

mama bear, you made me smile. Thank you. I haven't smiled all day. I wish I had someone like you here that could push me into gear when I start feeling bad or like there is no hope. I was calling lawyers today and I didn't get any good news. If I can't get his parents to help I'll have to get a second job to help him. The lawyer wants $1000 down plus a $750 to start the case. I can do the $1000 down but I'll need help with the payment arrangements they want and the additional $750... I'm a single mom, not a rich woman by any means. Most of my day has been spent crying.. worrying.. I received two large letters from him. He is now starting to worry. He thinks I'm going to spend time with other men and though I've told him I'll wait for him he feels insecure now that he is in there and I'm here. I don't know how to make him understand that he's it for me.. I am not even interested in searching out anyone. I have up days and down days. His letters today didn't give me the happy feeling I had when he wrote before. That feeling only comes when he calls me... Yes, my kids need me. I'm trying to be supermom and show them that I can handle my emotional craziness and spend time with them too. Once I finish my school work tonight, I'm going to see a movie with them in the living room. Its a start. Today started out bad but after a couple "tell it like it is" statements,,, I seem to be fighting back again.. The poor me attitude really isn't my style. I'm going to have ups and downs. I get that. I just wish It'd happen less frequently than right now.... I am thankful that you both Rew & wisconsin are helping me through this.

You can do this I do think you need to find another doctor the meds will help even if its a low dose of it.....call your insurance see if they can find you a doctor. The pitty party won't help you or your kids!
As the money side of things there is ways of working it out there are web sites that can give you tips on budgeting. One step at a time you can do this.
Tell your man what you have been telling us yes there will be guys in that will tell him your goin leav him and all that crap just keep telling him your not goin anywhere...I think you both need those visits it will help the both of you! Tell him start up that his it for you!
Yes your going have bad days hell I still have them but then I start doing stuff and it makes the day go faster wich helps.
Hang in there it will be ok even if you can't see it right now!

suchaslife, Yes, It will be ok. The money is a huge issue. It just seems like when it rains troubles, it pours all of them on... I'm walking through swamp water and trying the best to breathe...

Iam going though those waters with ya and so is everyone ealse on hear so your not alone on this.

I definitely know that I'm not alone in this.. I feel for each and every one of us that has been without someone that was sent to prison. Years lost. He told me that a guy in the prison was served divorce papers and he killed himself. I cannot imagine... I think that might have been what is stirring these thoughts... but I made sure to tell him I'm here for the longhaul... no matter what...

It could be...that's not the first time I've hard of that happening. It takes a bit of time to get them to know we are not going anywhere just keep telling him.