First off, he IS your best friend, and he IS the man you love. It is not past tense. Here is what I think is happening, but I could be wrong. We tend to argue with the ones we are closest to. It never fails. He feels like he is the reason you and him are in this mess, so he is mad at himself and lets it out on you. He probably feels that he does not deserve you and thinks he needs to get mad at you so you will leave. Not that he wants you to leave, but maybe he thinks he owes it to you? You are in the absolute worst part of this whole ordeal. Nothing right now makes sense, so I would keep it casual for a while and make only small talk until both of you are a little bit more comfortable with the situation. If you think he loves you (you have to trust your gut instinct here), then he might be acting like this to protect you. Telling him all the things you have done for him will make him feel even smaller. Maybe, right now, you can tell him what he has done for YOU! Things that helped YOU. This way, the focus is off what he did not do but more what he did do for you. Just a thought. If he really loves you, he probably feels like less than a man and is ashamed having to rely on you. WIth time, he will see that you are doing these things not only for him, but for yourself as well. You are not doing anything wrong at all here, even though it may feel that way. The situation is less than ideal, but with time, you guys will figure it out. The daughter is easier to handle for him since she is not the one he hurt so much, it is mostly you. I would not talk to the EX under any circumstance. She is bad news and clearly does not have his or your happiness in mind. Hang in there. You can give gifts but should never expect gifts in return. Do what feels right to you because you want to do it, but don't have any expectations in the meantime. Everything happens for a reason!! And everything will work out the way it is supposed to in the end.

Big hugs C
Non of this is your fult and your doing the best you can maybe you could not telling the ex to much?
Your doing your best! Keep venting to us coz you cant keep all this inside of you!
Hugs.

cmorton,

First off, stop talking to his ex-wife. She is the reason he is in this mess. She will never be your friend and will continually attempt to put a monkey wrench in you and her ex-husbands relationship.

She is not on your side.

They say that "if you lie down with dogs you get fleas." This woman is infested.

Keep your distance and quit talking to her. Only bad things can happen if you keep a dialogue going with her.

rewdiazepam

I'm not talking to the ex.. there was a night a couple weeks ago when she contacted me.. I took the opportunity to bash her out about all sorts of things. I even made threats that I never intended to make good on...I know..I'm not usually like htat. I am a good nice person to those that are good to me...this woman has never been good and has always wanted to hurt my man.. she is not allowed to contact him but yet she did in jail...she put him there and she's writing him with threats and telling him all the things I said...Regardless... she is trying to start trouble and it worked... he is mad at me again.. I just don't know what to do...I keep doing or saying things that annoy him. He has so much going on already and I never wanted to add to it... I don't talk to her anymore but she is still in the picture. i can't get him to realize that having anything to do do with her is not good for us... If he does contact her back that will be even more trouble if she uses it... I asked him not to but I know how he is... he'll want to.. I know she's not on my side.. she is out to break us up...that's what she wants.. I wrote him how I feel and that I've had a really tough time with him being gone. I told him how sad I am without him and having so little contact with him already I asked him not to stop taliking to me when he's mad...I promised to be in better moods but I don't know ...maybe I came off too needy and weak... I am not weak..I get through the days but its a struggle.... anyway... that's my thoughts... what do you think??

Hi cmorton,

If you truly love this man, and want to make it through the next couple of years, then you have to start really thinking about yourself. You have to somehow shift your focus from how much you need him and want him there with you to how you are going to take care of yourself and stay strong and focused on what is really best for you. Your man isn't going anywhere, but there's not much he can do for you right now. It's very early in his sentence, and I'm sure he is feeling so many emotions- anger, shock, sadness, remorse, shame, frustration- among others. He needs time to adjust to the idea that he is going to be in there a while. He needs to be able to focus on getting his bearings, learning his new surroundings, figuring out the different personalities of the people around him, and he has to do all this under a tremendous amount of strain; he's physically exhausted, underfed, sleeps in a terrible bed, and lots of other immediate, physical challenges. He may be feeling unsafe, insecure, freaked out, sick, and who knows what else. I know that you are afraid and insecure and very fragile emotionally right now, and I know you need help getting through this, and there IS help- but right now, your man is not able to give you the things you need. It's not because he doesn't care about you. It's because of all the things I just wrote. He is under the greatest strain of his life right now and he needs time to adjust and gain his footing. You are essentially putting a burden on someone who can barely handle their own issues. This is NOT permanent. He will begin to feel more balanced and stronger as time passes and he adjusts. Your job until he gets to a better place in his mind is to dig DEEP into whatever well of support and strength you can find outside of your relationship with him. Think of it like this- he could be saying to you, "If you really and truly love me, and want to be with me, now and when I come home, then I need you to be the strong one for the time being." Try to imagine him asking this of you, because this is what he needs. He needs to know that you are strong and steady and true; that you can deal with his incarceration; that you care about his daughter and respect how much he loves her and that he is trying to be a good father in spite of his present circumstances; he needs you to stand strong for yourself and for him.
The challenge here is a tough one- I know- we all know- because we're all going through this. The challenge is to find your strength inside of yourself, and not in him. This doesn't mean you have to do it alone. You don't! You have us, people here who get what you're going through and are here for you, and you have his parents, and maybe you have some other friends or family who are there for you, maybe not. I have very little support, and what I do is come on here a bit, and I read a lot of books, and I pray. I am not even a religious person, but I need to be strong and I know I have to find that strength wherever I can get it. So I pray, and it helps.
The first few months my guy was away, I was a wreck, I really was. My life completely fell apart. It was surreal, and I mean that. I felt like I was in a nightmare. But, I made this commitment- I promised myself, because I am very much in love with my sweetheart, that I would do everything I possibly could to help him through this. The letters I sent were all love letters. Every one was about how much I loved him, how I forgave him (he had a lot of shame), how we were going to learn from this and grow even closer to one another...etc. The more I wrote about these things, the more I saw that they were true. And slowly, I began to not just write all these strong, committed feelings, but the more I actually began to feel them and they gave me strength and hope.
I still have shitty days and I still worry, but the past seven months have taught me some valuable lessons. I AM strong. I am desperately lonely for my love, but I am going to get through this. The more I focus on taking care of myself, the more I am taking care of US. I know if he was out he'd be right by my side, and this would be so much easier, but this has been an opportunity for me to prove to him how much I love him and honor him and our love for one another.
Maybe if you think of what's happening this way, it will help you. Think of this as your chance to prove to him how much you love and honor him. Do this by taking care of yourself and staying strong and giving him all you've got. He needs this, and I think if you can do it, you'll be amazed at how strong you really are.

Angeladam couldn't have said it better! You have to be strong for you, if you can do that....everything else will fall into place. Focus on your children, they should be your #1 priority and they need you present, in the here and now, everyday! Things will calm down within the next couple months and your boyfriend will realize how lucky he is to have you.

Tread lightly in the future when it comes to him and his relationship with his daughter. I am sure he loves you, but as I parent, I can attest to the fact that my child would come before all others.

Hang in there, things do get somewhat easier with time.

I agree with lwayne and angeladam I also I want to add that it's not a bad idea to take a week or two break from all the drama if it helps you any. Sometimes when all you two are doing is arguing back an forth it is so stressful that everything else falls apart in your life. Your children need you and letting yourself fall because of this situation is a selfish move although you don't intend to be selfish. Maybe write a letter telling him you plan to take a break to get YOURSELF together. You will miss him like crazy and he will miss you, but that's what you two need right now is to regroup and not hear from each other. Trust me you two will come back strong as ever if you honestly take that time to focus on you. Trust me, he he'll have time to think, that's all they have in there is time and nasty food. And on here we all have been where you have. I remember my man being my entire world. Me him and our son and then boom he was gone. I was completely lost scared, frustrated, and pissed at him, but then I had to step back and see what I really really wanted for myself and how to hold it all together for my son. Although I've always been independent even with him at home, I never knew how much I depended on him until he was gone. Take as much time as you need to get independent. Good luck!

Thank you for all the advise. Putting myself in his shoes and his burdens ...I think i have been selfish thinking of me when he's going through so much mentally and physically... Thank you for the help. We are not going to take a break from each other. Recently the calls have gotten better. I sent two letters explaining that his ex gets in my head and makes me forget who we are and how we are.. he's my soul mate. i'd wait forever just to hold him again... I am strong and I will stay strong for him. The gym is helping with my mood... perhaps i'm ridding all my negativity into my running... I'M HERE FOR all he needs... anything he needs. I'm also trying to do fun things with my kids... that's harder to do... Its a crapy situation but so far, I'm doing ok... I've had some fights with him but we are making it through.. I won't lose him... because I'm now focused on what I need to do to keep the bills paid..to support him.. to love him more unconditionally... to see his new life in his way... I've been selfish and I hate that I have to admit that... I say poor me but its really poor him... he is at the lowest place you can be in your life... all he needs is his strong woman to pull him up... that's going to be a tough thing but I am strong for him... thanks again girls!

Good to hear!

He is not worth it....leave him and find someine who will respect you. Stop enabling him. ..just stop supporting him...he needs to feel that....if u want him to appreciate you. Just do exactly that...stop saving him...let him show he loves you...then u can choose what u want to do. You can also talk to him....and explain to him how u feel...if he won't care or a knowledge your feelings then just leave him their...he is not worth your time. I wouldn't put up with it....life ain't fair and he needs to face it ...then he can cry to you when it will be too late.. but you are letting him treat you the way he is treating you. You have a women power use it.

Stop talking to his ex wife...or any other women that's their or he been with. ..just talk to your man. You are creating and inviting your own drama by doing that...
But u need to open with your man....talk about feelings why he feels the way he feels why u feel the way u feel...this relationships won't just survive on plain love...communication is the key....
He also might feel guilt and shame and taking it out on you...but you should know your man...and if that's the case you need to call him out on it. Don't matter where he is at our side or inside. ...u have power to express yourself...it's nothing to be afraid off..it will just show his other side that you might want to know about...it will show you u if he loves you or not the way u love him.

He appreciates everything I do for him. He hates that he is such a burden on me and his parents. he is ashamed. He's having just a hard time in there as I am out here. He knows that I'm special and he doesn't take that forgranted. We do talk but sometimes I keep how i feel in my head... i don't like to burde n him with stress. communication is key... i know. i need to open up to him more and tell him stuff. thanks!

This situation calls for more than a "normal" relationship. You are going to feel all kinds of things- ups and downs, hopes and fears, faith and doubt. It's okay to feel all these things! Especially initially; both of you have a lot to process and deal with right now. It will get less tumultuous as time passes and you start to get used to the way things are. (You won't LIKE the way things are, but you will grow a bit more accustomed to it.) When I wrote about the things he's going through, that was just to remind you that he can't give you what you need right now. I don't think any amount of "woman power" is going to change his behavior, because he's under extreme duress. Instead of using "woman power" to try to change HIM, focus on YOU. You need to take good care of yourself. Eat healthy food, exercise, get outside, work, take care of your children...do the little things you can do to establish a regular routine. Keep your mind as focused on the positive things in your relationship as you can. Try to forgive or just put aside the things that are making you question him, and give yourself lots and lots of time to adjust to this difficult situation. It will get easier, it really will.