Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I just went in on my husband yesterday during the visit, bringing up his past mistakes and how he is selfish and that i am alone in this world again without him. The truth is I have a strong family support system. But we were so good until he was arrested. My house got kicked in, I left our home moved with relatives that wasn't such a good atmosphere. then now back at my mothers. I go see him weekly and speak to him daily.
He is shutting down and i think im having a mental and emotional break down. I said such horrible things and now he won't call me and he says not to visit. We are usually very supportive of each other and i don't want to resent him, but this is our second time around the block with this jail shit and idk if i can do it again. I am soooo angry and i held it all in up until yesterday. i feel bad because he didn't deserve what i said. He lost his mom, his aunt, and his great grand and grandmother through out the last 10 years he had a job and was doing his best to provide for us for the last few years before he got locked up. He just expects so much of me and i don't know if i can jump at his every whim anymore. I want to be there and help him but i don't know if its really appreciated or if i'm doing enough. He says all he hears is excuses and that what set me off. I love him with all my heart but i lost my self once before and i don't want that to happen again. I feel so vulnerable and alone.
He is shutting down and i think im having a mental and emotional break down. I said such horrible things and now he won't call me and he says not to visit. We are usually very supportive of each other and i don't want to resent him, but this is our second time around the block with this jail shit and idk if i can do it again. I am soooo angry and i held it all in up until yesterday. i feel bad because he didn't deserve what i said. He lost his mom, his aunt, and his great grand and grandmother through out the last 10 years he had a job and was doing his best to provide for us for the last few years before he got locked up. He just expects so much of me and i don't know if i can jump at his every whim anymore. I want to be there and help him but i don't know if its really appreciated or if i'm doing enough. He says all he hears is excuses and that what set me off. I love him with all my heart but i lost my self once before and i don't want that to happen again. I feel so vulnerable and alone.
Don't argue when you are really, really angry.
Sometimes we say things that are hurtful that we cannot take back and it sticks with the other person for years. We spout out things that while they may be true, are so devastating to the other person that they never forget what was said.
This is doubly important in a prison situation since communication with an inmate in prison is spotty at best. Also you don't want to have the problem of having a heated discussion during a phone call as the 15 minutes can expire and it leaves you hanging with nothing resolved until the next call. Then you worry and stew about the situation for another day.
It is probably best to leave the deep discussions until a visit.
Whenever I have an argument with my lady friend, I walk away until I have a cooler head. She accuses me of pouting, but that is not true. I just do not want to say something in the heat of the moment that might be hurtful forever.
It is best to have a talk with a cool head, be calm, and not say things we later wish we had not said. Slurs or criticism can run deep in these situations.
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BTW, I am a guy and was in prison, so you are hearing it from an inmate's point of view.
I think it is very normal to have at least a couple of these situations you just had. Just the fact they are there, that we can't do anything about it, that we have lost our person we love, lived with, could count on, could cry on their shoulder when needed it gone.
Even when we have a flat tire, or the pipe leaks. Everything that seemed so easy and natural before is gone.
We can't call them, we can't just see them whenever we want. Everything normal is gone.
So what you experienced is just part of this whole awful process.
Mine has been in 4 times since we met. I have experienced all of this. I have lost jobs, homes, had people die, family emergencies etc., and he isn't there to comfort or help me. It wears on you. You cry alot, you get really mad alot.
Communicating with them while they are in there is difficult at best. They are standing there with a line of guys behind them, hearing their whole conversation. It can't be a normal talk. If they yell at us, they get chastised by the guys sometimes ( mine did) they can get in trouble, lose their phone privileges, so it's like you cannot have a real conversation. He may have to act tough, to save face in there, not look like a wimp. So many stupid little things that they really have to do, that they wouldn't otherwise.
I know somedays he hasn't done anything wrong at that moment. I am just mad at him for being gone. I am mad it happened again. I am mad there is nothing to look forward to when I wake up everyday.
I am tired of handling life's situations alone, so I just get mad. OR I cry.
I found that when I am mad, it stops the crying and depression, so I think that mad reaction is a survival mechanism. Then later I feel bad. Poor guy don't even know why I am mad when he calls.
OR we can think of it in the reverse. They wake up in a tiny cell, surrounded by people that are not the nicest a lot of the time. Some are murderers, some are just down right disgusting, mean men with immature attitudes. And they have to live around all that. And they have to keep their composure, or there could be a fight, they could get hurt.
There is also the fear of extortion or worse. Mine has experienced it all. Mine is older than most of the guys in there, and it has definitely been a detriment this time.
They also don't want to hear us whine because it kicks in their guilt feelings. They know we are miserable because they are there, and at this point there isn't a damn thing they can do about it.
Mine helps me figure out things as best as he can from the phone. Or if he wants to explain how to fix things he sends me a detailed letter with diagrams and explanations how to do it. I sometimes use them. Makes him feel better, like he is trying to help.
Mine just went through an odd week. One day he was great, the next day it was like he hated me. I got all upset, waiting for him to call, was thinking the worst, then he calls all sweet and nice.
They have emotions like when we have our periods. LOL!
Oh I constantly get lists of things he needs me to do. I sometimes don't do them fast enough, or don't find out what he needs by the time he calls again. WELLLLL, I do have other things to do, I sometimes can't find or do what he wants as easily as he thinks, I sometimes don't really want to. So he gets pissed.
We do have the " luxury" of being able to do what we need, when we need it. Down to looking up something on a computer, or making a call to find out what we need to know. They don't. SO we can't understand their anger when we don't have what they wanted when they call. We can't understand how it is not to be able to do things for ourselves that are just simple and natural out here.
I have went through this 4 times with him, twice with my son. Have I ever considered leaving him? Kind of. BUT I didn't get to see or talk to him six months, while he was in, and in a mood from hell. I was miserable. I didn't stop thinking about him because I thought it would be better to get him out of my life. If ya love them, you take the good with the bad.
Mine turned into the sweetest thing yesterday. A far cry from a few days ago. He sat up all night thinking what I should do about a problem with my parents. They hate him, think he is scum, treat him so bad. BUT Dad got hurt, went in an ambulance, and they really can't be alone anymore, so he calls and suggests that I move there for awhile, work there, take care of them. He said this would be good for all of you. Keep our house, use it as a getaway for awhile when they drive you nuts, and so we have it when I get out. But they need you, and then you won't be so alone. He said no reason for you to sit alone for 2 years.
I hadn't told him in so long that he was wonderful, but I did yesterday.
You know what it's like to be in a bad mood once in awhile. But think about how it is for him. Mine just thought about how it was for me, for a change, and I think it helped him feel better too. He was thinking of someone else for a change. Concentrating on my situation, my needs, and that's a big step.
Consider writing to him, tell him to write to you too. Get down and dirty in the letters, but with a heart. I had done that last week. You can say what you need to say without the argument and that phone hanging up before it's resolved.
Read that letter over and over before you send it. Take out things that are too harsh. But leave in what you truly need him to know and understand.
I have about a million years of experience in being a gf and mom of a prisoner. I may not have it figured out yet, but I sure have experienced many of the things everyone goes through. OMG I hate it! But it is what it is. Think, Can I do this? Can I not do this and just move on? Would I be happier just not having anything to do with him, leaving him there alone? Or would I be doubly sad, depressed and feel like the world had ended?
I think some of us do the " unconditional love". People don't understand it, people will criticize you and condemn you. But have they walked in your shoes. And if this did happen to them, would they see it from a different perspective?
What you have to do to get through this, and please do this. Find ways to focus on other things. Stay busy even if you want to curl up in a ball and sleep til it's over. Find things like volunteering, being with children you love, be with people that are not condemning you for loving him. Take up a craft, go do yoga for god's sake, just stay busy. You will get through it easier.
Learn to not feel guilty if you have fun once in awhile. He will actually feel better that you are. He doesn't want you miserable. And you will have new things to talk to him about.
When I do nothing, I get sad and crabby. And our conversations don't go well.
He loves when I have my granddaughter here, or I go to see a friend or my family. We have things to talk about that aren't the normal, hi how's it going? I miss you, I hate my life, I want you home bs.
When I do something to the house, I take pictures and send, so he can see. I got different wheels on his car, I sent a picture. My granddaughter poses in silly pictures for him, I send it, it makes him smile, which in turn makes our next calls happier.
They have a very dull, boring life. Or a very tense life. Anything we do to help that for even a minute makes our life easier, and when me and granddaughter do the picture taking, or write him funny letters together, we are happy too.
Try it. Try going about it all different, just for a little bit.