I am from a prison family with a family tradition of calling prison, "Our Institute of Higher Learning." The blame game is Prison Family 101. The only cardinal rule in the Blame Game is, "I'm perfect and innocent. It's the world's fault." This innocent perfection is easily transferred in the defense of family members who have offended someone other than me. Over the course of ^it^, most everyone on the planet is liable to be a convenient target for the repressed emotions and brazen denial.

From that perspective, I theorate that you are *simply* a convenient target. When I have been the convenient target, I ply psychotherapy tools (proof that I am The Craziest One in the family) to keep myself from arguing, or taking the blame to heart. It's all *just* part of the game. That is, of course, far more easily said than done. I start with The Three C's.

I didn't Cause it.
I can't Control it.
I can't Cure it.

Healing hopes for all. No exceptions.

Gentle support while you and your children ride out the shock, Misty. It's a hard nut to chew. Hope healing happens here.

Thank you! That makes me feel a bit better. It really hurt me when my ex husbands mom texted me that I suck the life out of people in response to me not sending pictures of the kids on Christmas. The charges against him include actions he did to my children and she wanted me to send her pictures of my kids opening gifts from him so she can show show him to make him feel better.

It boggles my mind because he caused harm to my kids by making them victims and she wants to comfort him but blame me. Here I am putting back the peices of our life he destroyed and I’m the one sucking the life out of others? I just don’t understand it and it’s so hurtful.

Like you said, it’s the blame game. I could of easily blamed her because she’s his mother but I know that’s not true and I would never blame anyone but him.

Healing hopes for the unfair charges. Yay you for not going quid pro quo and hurting her back. Arguing with a fool only proves there are two fools.

The circumstances are not even remotely similar, but I have been foster parenting my 3 orphaned grandchildren for a bit over a year now and working to help the children understand both branches of their family tree. The parents were STBX waltzing hot and heavy before the traffic accident which took both of them from us. Had their romance escalated to divorce, I suspect coordinating with my DIL would have been even harder. Far easier to let the Grand Bond whither and die?

This is hard stuff for all on all sides of the broken family divide. Misunderstandings flow far more easily than understandings. I am grateful the mother's family **wants** to be involved, but? ? ? Who ever expects to know how to talk to your son's in-laws? The confusions and contusions of court involvement (family court in our case) make it even harder to know who, what, where and when to trust.

My personal motto has become, "Wear your love like an armor and use forgiveness like a shield."

Definitely a lot of misunderstandings going on. I feel she had some kind of expectation of me that I didn’t meet up to. I tend to wonder how much she really knows what’s going on.
On my end, I know a lot of things that is going to be used by the prosecution that maybe she’s not aware of. Maybe he lied to her. I just don’t know.
I do k is she knows some stuff so it’s so confusing to me.

It makes things even more complicated that she is in control of the money he gives me for “child support”. Which it isn’t officially cause we aren’t divorced yet. Been separated for years. So now there going to be a custody battle which is going to be even more crazy.

I just wish she could understand where I’m coming from and that my main concern is my kids not her son. I understand she loves him, but he is the one in the wrong. The kids and so need support not this.
I try hard not to stoop to her level and haven’t. But I’m not feeling much love for her right now at all lol.

For my own domestic storm seasons, I work pretty hard at keeping the focus on my own pain and confusion. I don't have clean nor easy access to the facts on the other side of the in-law hurdle and letting myself wander that wonder only stirs my own emotional confusions. When something the in-laws hurts, I let myself process the pain at face value without attempting to understand their reasons for being so mean. I try to focus on keeping my own feet on the proverbial High Road as much as I can.

It's allot to sort and process. Be patient with the process and be as patient as possible with all the players involved. It's okay if you're not feeling much love for your ex-MIL right now. This is a safe place to vent it out.

Steadying support while you ride out the storm.

Wow, that's unfortunate. I hope it goes without saying that no amount of stress can cause someone to harm a child unless they were already the type of person comfortable with harming children. You didn't cause that, it was already there. His mother sounds like she can't accept that her child did something wrong, so she's looking for someone else to blame. That's something she needs to work on herself and she shouldn't be putting that on you. If you're not comfortable sending her pictures of the children knowing that she's going to show them to the person that harmed them, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you logical, and a good mother.

I am new to this. Is there a way to contact you offline?

Yes, i have been blamed over and over for my sons actions. hes 29 now, im still being blamed and what i really hate hearing every time he gets himself into a situation is "but your his mother" but not one single person in our family ever considered the fact that maybe its his own fault and he should take 100% responsibility . don't get me wrong tho, YES, there ARE ways to "help" but there are also ways to "enable" i am or course willing to help but not enable ,

ChrstnsaMrie I totally understand! People need to own up to their mistakes! It makes me so mad because his mom and his grandma are excusing his behavior. She took out her retirement to bail him out of jail, is taking care of all of his lawyer fees and meetings. She is doing everything for him while I’m being a single parent to our 4 kids. Been a SAHM for 15 years and got a minimum wage job because that’s all I could find with my limited work experience. Here I am busting my butt, taking care of all their needs by myself while he is getting litterally babied and pampered. Luckily he does help financially but when he goes to prison, that’ll change. They don’t give a damn that he harmed our children. I have never been so angry at someone in my life.
I admire you for not being one of “those” mothers that think their kid can’t do any wrong.