Deep breath basically you can't convince them just tell them that your standing by him and you can see pass his mistakes.....everyone makes them no one is perfect.
Yep box visits suck big time but once his in the system and things are a bit more settled for him it should get easier but it will take time.
take ig one day at a time or a second at a time come hear lots the people here are awesome and theres always someone about.
as for your relationship well the way we got through it was by writing a lot like every day (he was over 4 hour away) taking his calls when you can his is still the same person even though he made a mistake .
keep talking to him about your problems or whatever is going on in your life they like to know whats going on even if its only small stuff.
prison relationship have the same chances as relationships on the outside i kid you not! We found being able to talk about whats going on really helped you wouldn't believe some of the stuff we talked about in our letters!!
i hope this helps i know others will chip in soon hang in there hugs me

Ps i forgot to tell you we don't judge here we are all in the same boat.

Hello, I am glad you found this site. It truly will be helpful to you. It is wonderful people that are going through it themselves, or have, and now their person is out, but they still are with us because they have a lot of information to share.

Suchaslife is an example of her guy being in, she went through tons of terrible situations, and they are getting married now. There is a happily ever after.

Mine is in for the 4th or 5th time since we met. And we are still together. It is awful, it is depressing. You will feel lost, alone, and like it will never end. But you do make it through it. And yes, those letters are like gold for them, and it gives us opportunities to talk to each other even about things that are too hard to talk about in person.

You learn new ways to " be together". Simple things like you watch the same tv shows, and know you are both seeing the same thing at the same time. You won't always have those " box" visits, hopefully, so that will make it much better. We had them too. It upset me terribly that his face was in the screen, but not there to touch even his hand.

If he goes to a prison, not a county jail, if that is where he is right now, you most likely will get contact visits. They aren't perfect, but better than the other kind.

You will find ways to keep him busy watching for your letters. Send him things that he would like to know about that is going on with you, his friends and family, and the community you live in. Keep him feeling he is still a part of your world. It will help you too, keep you busy.

Keeping busy IS important. Force yourself to go out, and do something. Anything... even if it's just to the store. I know. I used to curl up in bed and cry a lot. It wasn't healthy and only made me and him both feel worse.

Going through the initial phases of this will be scary, exhausting, and depressing. Once you know what his fate is, then you will calm down a bit.

It's never going to be something you totally get used to. But you will adjust. Mine's been in almost 2 years now, for a probation violation. He was home 10 months after being in 3.5 years, so yea, I have been through all of this.

You will hate the justice system, and rightly so. You will hate the prison system.. they aren't very nice. But you gotta just do what's necessary to get him through it, and yourself.

Send him pictures, get him magazine subscriptions. Suggest he get involved in craft projects. Inmates are very talented and creative in there. They take the time, because they have the time, to make beautiful things. Some actually crochet blankets, hats, mittens, etc. In some prisons, they can sell them in the visiting room to make money for their canteen, or to send home. They make jewelry, and many other things. Usually, in our state anyway, you can order from certain approved catalogs, their craft needs. It really helps them kill time, and makes them feel they are doing something productive.

As far as judgmental people. OMG you will have that. Family is sometimes the worst, and there is nothing you can do about it but defend him, or stop talking to the people who are saying bad things to you. If they love you , they seem to think they have the right to their jaded opinion. My question to them would be then, " If it were me, in trouble, would you abandon me, like you are telling me to do"?

Where do people get off thinking just because a person made a mistake that we should just throw them away. That our head and heart could just stop loving them, stop thinking about them.

Stand up to them, to a point, then if they get too ridiculous, or cruel, just abandon them instead. I HAVE!

You will get tougher, more able to handle things after he is in for awhile. You will find your new " normal life" which does mean keeping a life together out here for yourself, and for him to come back to. Being depressed, wanting to curl up and sleep til he is home is normal. Oh yes, I did that a lot. I was unemployed a few times while he was in and that only made it worse for every reason.

You need to have a focus other than on him, how he is, how sad you are. At least if you work, 8 hours a day, your mind is on other things. And he will feel better, because he knows you aren't sitting home crying constantly.

See people that are nice to you. Not the jerks who have their opinion that is mean.

He will like when you go somewhere or do something, it's now part of his world to listen to your day, your life while he is gone. They visualize what you are saying. It puts them back home, as they close their eyes and " see" what you were doing.

I send him pictures of friends and family. I send him pictures if I need advice on how to fix things. Something that he can look at what is wrong, and tell me what to do. I ask if I have car problems, what he thinks it is, and who to take it to. I include him in our daily life here, by needing his input. Just because they are gone, doesn't mean they can't still help us in some ways.

I have been looking for a new place to live. So when I go look at houses, I take tons of pictures, then send them to him, and give him all the details and we discuss them together. He is never not included in my life. All aspects, I include him.

He helps me work on our bills, he looks at the newspaper ads and tells me where there is something that I need to buy, if I haven't seen it.

See, these are just examples, but you can still work together on things and in ways, it has made us closer.

We know the end is in sight now, 4.5 months from now he will be out. But we have went through that lonely, sad, dark period while he has been gone, just like you have. We get it.

Encourage him to take classes there, for anything. Just to feel like he is doing something besides sitting wasting life. Encourage him to apply for a job within the prison. That really gives them a purpose to the day.

I hope some of this helps. And stay on this site. So many good people here, will help you get through it.

We all care because we are there too, or have been.

A man named Rewdiazepam is very knowledgeable and helpful on here. Ask him anything. He has been in prison. So he gets the other parts we can't know.

Many will be so ready to talk to you. Ask anything. Vent anytime.

Stardreamer,

I understand. You ARE indeed alone right now---both emotionally and physically-- but at some point you will have to carry on with your life, which means making the decisions we all must make at times.

This is very new to you and your brain is being bombarded with so many emotions that it is on "overload" status. It is OK to be lost, confused, and crying; I would expect nothing different.

Nobody has the mental or emotional capacity to handle all the negative emotions at one time. I liken it to trying to stuff an entire pizza into your mouth at one time. If you try, you will choke.

If you try to address all these problems all at once, you will choke emotionally, which will cause more mental health problems down the road.

One cliche I used to get so tired of hearing people say was-----"Take one day at a time."
But since I do a lot of prison support, that old cliche is one of the truest and most important motto a inmate or the loved one of an inmate can live by.

Prison is a process. If you have difficulty processing all these emotions, you may have to compartmentalize them or isolate them one-by-one. Do not worry about something that may or may not happen months or years down the road. Solve the problem at hand.

You said, " how do you make people realize that the person you love is still the person you love who made a mistake and you don't just stop loving them."

You don't and you can't. People, for the most part, will believe what they want to believe. You can probably never change these people's minds. No amount of defending him or praising his good points will make much of a difference.

Most people do not realize that we are not in control who we fall in love with. Love is such a complex emotion, that when Cupid shoots his arrow, we are so overcome with emotion and positive feelings----and euphoria---- that nothing else makes sense. Those people do not understand that a person cannot just "fall out of love" with a person with the snap of the fingers. If that is possible, you did not love them in the first place.

You have to do what YOU have to do to get through this. You may have to find methods that work well for you that are ineffective for others.

Keep the communication lines open. Write letters, send cards, then write some more. Write until you think your hand will fall off. Letters from home are like gold and silver to an inmate. If you ever went to prison, you will realize that an inmate has absolutely NOTHING in prison. The letters are such an emotional boost.

The biggest even of the day is mail call. When an inmate receives a letter from the person he loves, nothing else seems to matter. His face lights up, he has a smile a mile wide, and he realizes, that yes, somebody still cares enough about me to write me a letter. One advantage to writing letters as opposed to phone calls is that the inmate can read the letter initially and when things go wrong in prison---as they will---he can pick up that letter again, read it, and be reassured once again. I don't think there is anything more important to an inmate than letters and visits.

When your guy receives a letter, tell him to rip the return address off, and flush it. Nosey inmates----and there are a lot of them---sometimes have a habit of stealing return addresses. The last thing you want is for some inmate to start calling you or wind up knocking on your door someday. Flush the damn return addresses.

You said, " I want to be there for my fiancee encourage him and be strong but his do I do that when I'm falling apart?"

Right now you are emotional, but at some point you will have to settle down, breathe easier, and realize that he is in prison. You HAVE to stay strong by any means possible. If you go to pieces out here, you will not be able to help your fianc. This will take some time, but gradually you will feel better. It will be much easier if you have some emotional support from a trusted friend or even a professional.

Getting some means of support is imperative. Inmates do not like it when their wives or GFs go completely to pieces.

Things will get better. Trust me, I have been through this situation myself. The visiting through glass will give way to a contact visit at some point. But you must be PATIENT.

If, at any point, you feel as if this situation is consuming you, then you need to seek some medical help. Even a general practitioner can prescribe you some meds----either a mild antidepressant or anxiety drug----which will get you over the hump. Modern medicine now has antidepressants which have few side effects and are very effective.

Also remember this----In the history of our country, several million men have gone to prison and left a woman they loved behind. In 95% of these cases, they all return and the relationship is resumed. There is not ONE reason on God's green earth why you cannot do the same.

Your fiance will be home somday to resume your relationship. Keep hope in your heart and freedom in your spirit.

I know that right now you think you cannot make it through this, but you WILL get through this. Everyone does.

God Bless you and I will be thinking of you and your guy.
If your guy ever has a prison problem, you can message me anytime night or day. I believe in you, so you need to believe in yourself.

rewdiazepam

PS Remember, "one day at a time."

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. It's partly because of the circumstances, but it's also partly because you love your boyfriend so much, and this pain is the price you're going to pay if you stay with him while he's incarcerated. It takes a lot of courage to stand up to your family and "friends" in this situation, and it takes a LOT of patience to wait it out. This group is really helpful, as I'm sure you can already tell from the replies you've received. It's really very important that you make sure you are getting enough sleep, and eating, and getting some exercise, and talking to people who are there for you. The beginning is very confusing and at times overwhelming. After some time you will fall into a kind of pattern, one that is not really comfortable, but that you can tolerate. Try to find things to help you pass the time- try to get back to anything you used to do that you liked. Watch tv, watch movies, read books, color, listen to music, exercise, bake cookies, draw, anything at all that gives you some peace of mind, even if only for a few minutes. Come here and ask questions. We've all been where you are, and we all have ideas to try to help and support you.
Take care. You are not alone.

No long comments tonight. Just wanted to say Hello, and I was thinking of you.

Sometimes it is best to talk to the people here. We all get it. Tell us anything, we listen.

If you are still sitting around crying, find a way to force yourself to do ONE thing positive for yourself a day. Then add a couple more. Force your feet to walk out the door and even just go for a walk. It shows you how to get on with your life while he is gone. Baby steps.

Sometimes when I forced myself to go somewhere or do something, it actually DID help me. I didn't think it would. Can't tell you how many times I got dressed, tried to leave, even got in the car and drove right back home. As time goes on, you get better at dealing with it. You will cry less. You will be able to focus more. Just takes time. That time is miserable yes, but you can do some things as people on here have suggested to pass the time.

The worst thing I did was not look for a job when I was unemployed, and he had just been arrested. I did need some time to deal with it before I could actually do a job. But not only financially, but for your health, and emotional well being, you need an outlet. So why not try? Anything.

You can write to him and look ahead to the future when he gets out. Make vacation plans, remodeling your home, going to a football game you both would like, whatever. It will get his head visualizing these things too. It will put him in another place, as he thinks about it. I even sent mine brochures, which meant I had to write to the websites and have them send them. As we can't send them ourselves. Pictures and prices of resorts, auto racing schedules for when he gets out, etc. Keep his head thinking of the future you two will have.

You haven't said how long he may get. You don't have to tell us. But make those plans according to when it will be. If it is summer when he gets out, plan a trip somewhere he would like.

People ridiculed me out here for " rewarding" him for being in prison by taking him on a vacation. NO, it was not just for him, it was for me too. You need something to look forward to, both of you. And you need time to re connect and " decompress" from what you have went through.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know, you are on my mind.

Thank you all for your kind words....I love Wisconsin I love what you said about planning something...I would love to finish planning our wedding...but I can't...because I honestly don't know how much time he is looking at..I can't allow myself to look to the future because its too overwhelming right now..his situation is kind of unique because he has multiple charges in 2 different counties.. Its so confusing most of them are shoplifting but he also has a possession charge and some other stuff...no one seems to be able to give me answers...as soon as I have a better idea if how long he's going to be there I think I will be able to cope a little better. The uncertainty is killing me

Hi Again... I just wrote a bunch, and it disappeared. So I will try to just go over the stuff I really want you to know.

First, if he has multiple charges in a couple counties, they will do one county first, then the other, BUT they might combine them, or one might drop some charges because he is getting charged in that other county. Depends on where you live.

Second, you could ask Rew more about this, but usually if there are multiple charges, they will use them as bargaining chips. The DA and Defending attorney will barter, to both sort of win the case. The DA usually drops some of the smaller charges in exchange for him pleading guilty to some. Again, it depends how severe the charges are. The shoplifting charges shouldn't be that big of a deal. Probably would get restitution fees to be paid, maybe community service, and probation. This is if he doesn't have prior convictions.

If he didn't have much drugs on him, and wasn't selling them, and hasn't been charged before, they tend to go lenient the first time. My son had 90,000 dollars of cocaine when caught, but mysteriously on the paper work for what they put into the property room as evidence, half of it was there, the other half vanished. Which meant, cops took it. Also meant he was charged with less. He would of got 10 to 20 years, but ended up doing 4.

I would get him to ask his lawyer straight out, "what am I looking at, how much time?" or you call a lawyer for one of those free consultations for a few minutes on the phone type things. You need answers, waiting isn't going to help. And until you get answers as to what exactly WILL happen to him, you won't be able to rest or settle down. Again though, you gotta get your mind off it for awhile each day.

If you can't sleep, take melatonin. You can find it in vitamin section of stores, and it may help you. It won't hurt you.

Now go to bed, if you are reading this at night. I leave the TV on, so I don't hear outside noises and because laying there in the dark, in the quiet without him, I still get sad. So I drown out my thoughts with the tv on.

Good night!

Regarding the charging of multiple counts, DAs use this trick to intimidate the defendant into pleading guilty via a plea bargain rather than going to trial. The DA will say, "You have five charges, with each charge having five years as punishment. If you go to trial and lose---which most people do---I will ask for each charge to run consecutively---back to back--- for a total of 25 years; but if you plead guilty, I will drop all the charges except one and you will only have a five year sentence to serve.

So, initially a DA will charge a defendant with as many charges as possible and hope that one of them sticks. With multiple charges, if one charge implodes on him, the DA will have some other charges to fall back on.

I would not worry too much about multiple charges. In the end the DA will probably drop all the charges except one or two charges in exchange for the defendant pleading guilty to one single charge. I have seen defendants have dozens of charges and they wind up pleading guilty to just one count.

Regarding charges in different jurisdictions----different counties---he will be charged in each county and he will have to resolve the charges in each county. Usually one county will run their charges concurrently with the charges from another county and it is resolved in this manner.

It is highly unlikely that he will have to serve his time in one county and then have to begin serving a separate sentence in another county. They will run them all together into one single count.

For example, let's just say that I was charged with 20 counts of drug distribution. The DA would drop 19 of those counts if I agree to plead guilty to the one count. In another example, let us say I had charges in county A and county B. County A and B would agree to run all the charges into one sentence. If, for instance, I was given 20 years in county A and 20 years in county B, county A would agree to run the 20 years from county B together with their charges to make one 20 year sentence. This happens often and is called running the charges concurrently. If the charges were run consecutively---in boxcar fashion---with each other, he would have to serve the 20 year term from county A first, then start serving the 20 year sentence from county B. Basically he would be serving 40 years. They will not run his charges consecutively.

You see sentence running consecutively usually when a defendant loses at jury trial.

Having worked in the prison law library as a law clerk, this is how it is usually done.

rewdiazepam

For your insomnia, you can go to any pharmacy and pick up some Melatonin. Melatonin is a naturally occurring hormone in the body, so as Wisconsin said, it is safe.

You could also go to your local pharmacy and ask the clerk for some Diphenhydramine 25mg tablets. Diphenhydramine is the generic name for Benadryl.

You can buy 100 tables for four dollars. Take one at bedtime; if that does not put you to sleep, take two at bedtime.

rewdiazepam

My partner had two serious charges and they dropped one, so as Rew said, don't be overly concerned about all those charges. Some will be dropped. Does your bf have a private attorney?

Oh I lived on Benadryl the first couple times he was in. Which was stupid. I took them day and night. Don't abuse them like I did, just take them at night. You will definitely sleep.

Melatonin gets you to sleep, but you don't wake up groggy at all. I had gotten a prescription sleep medication, and those things make you feel out of it all the next day.

In time, you will start sleeping better. You gotta take care of yourself. I know you have heard that and know it, but you have to. You gotta keep your wits about you, and can't do it sleep deprived. Take afternoon naps, if you can't sleep at night. Eventually your body will just do what it is supposed to do. This is a shock to our systems, in every way. It is a loss. Any loss takes awhile to get back to yourself.

The best thing you can do for him besides writing a letter every day, or often is make sure you are ok. He doesn't need to worry about you too, and what this is doing to you. He already thinks about that day and night.

I know you are much younger than I am, but for me, I find the one person that makes me feel better, my granddaughter, and I spend time with her. That little girl has literally saved my life over the years, got me out of my depression. She makes me laugh and smile a lot. So if you have someone that does that for you, then be with them.

My daughter had multiple charges and they were dismissed by the Fed prosecutor in exchange for one guilty plea.

How are you feeling after his court date Thursday?

Feeling more confused than ever....more continuances...no answers ...sentencing I'm one county 4/19. My anxiety I s super high right now because he was sppsd to call me tonight and hasn't...so unlike him so now I'm worried something happened.

Its ok i know that stress way to well. It is possible that the phones could be down......yes the phones are poo in those places. It can also be that the phones are busy or there on lock down.....check the prison web site to make sure his still there that might give you a bit of peace knowing his still there (something we never had) take deep breath and make a cup of tea believe it or not it can help!
The wait is the worst part of it.

Am I the only one who feels like we...as the lovers ..families..parents ..children...are the ones actually being punished? That's the thought process I've been throwing around today. We have comitted no crime other than loving the person....but we have to suffer the punishment.