Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I have been reading and following this site for some time now. My son is 40 and 2 years ago was arrested for drugs. He has been in county all this time (except for the 2 months that I bailed him out....big mistake) He is now waiting to go to RDC after his sentencing. 15 years, hard to even say that. In our state it is 2 for 1. This has been a roller coaster ride that i hate and my emotions are all over the board. We are standing behind him and offering our support to get through this. He has had addiction problems since high school and nothing ever helped long term. My heart is broken..... Thank you for listening even though I don't know any of you, you know my pain and that is more than my extended family seems to be able to do. They love my son but it's like he has dropped off the face of the earth or died, no mention of him to me hardly. I feel like no one understands except my husband and I feel betrayed. I was always there for my siblings through all of their problems for years and now when I need them most, it's like they don't care about the pain we are going through. Anyway, this morning, I felt that I could share and I know I will need help when they take him away. I am afraid that I will lose it and that scares me too. Any advise would be helpful.
I posted this on another support board, but it is applicable here.
Jasomom, I feel the pain you feel when you mention the amount of time your son must serve.
When my son was in the second or third grade, he came home one day with a bunch of math problems. He was learning to add and do simple arithmetic.
He complained that there were about 100 problems to do for his homework. He said, "Dad, I will never get all these old dumb math problems finished. There are too many of them."
I said, "Chris, let's just do one problem at a time---one problem after another. We will take it slow and let's not look forward at the total number of problems, but just do one at a time." He said, "OK, dad, I think I can do that."
So we slowly started solving the problems, one by one. Soon we had finished a dozen problems, then twenty five, then fifty. In a couple of hours---bingo---we had finished the last problem. I looked at him and said, "See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" He shook his head, smiled, and said, "Pretty easy the new way you showed me. I like your new way."
So it is this way with our loved ones in prison who have long sentences. Soon they will have done six months, then two years, then five years. But they are still only doing one day at a time. Pretty soon, they have finished their sentence.
You can only do time one day at a time. If you look too far ahead, you will get DISCOURAGED and want to give up or quit.
Jasomom, you WILL get through this---you have my word on it. Your son WILL also serve his term and be released some day. Sometimes that total amount of time to do scares us, but if we do it ONE DAY AT A TIME, it makes it much easier.
One advantage of being older is that you have a lot of neat stories that teach life's lessons.
If you ever need to talk to me privately, send me a message. I am around the boards frequently and I like to talk to all "my people."
rewdiazepam
Just take it one day at a time time gos faster then what we think....for me I take it one visit at a time....as each visit gos its another month down for us . I can only afforded to see my loved one once a month.
Hang in there talk to us when you need to.
The Unknown is the worst part of all this please don't believe what you see on tv about prison most of the time its really really boring ( iam sure rew will tell you that too) lots of time not much to do unless they have work to do in there.
Cmorton557 and my2sons9498 are both new hear as well and me well I've been hear for years we all help each other no matter what stage we are at in this ride or how long we have to go on it just know that we are all hear for each other!
Keep writing to him see him when or if you can he needs to know that people still care about him.
In sorry for your pain. Society doesn't realize that not just those who are imprisoned are serving the sentence, but also the family members. Welcome to the group, though sorry you had to find us.
As far as him getting hurt is prison if 1) he does not snitch, 3) does not get into debt where he cannot pay, or 3) if generally is not liked or respected by the other inmates he will be fine.
Gambling is also a no no. When I was at the medium, my cellmate was stabbed into the chest ahd had a lung punctured because he was in debt and could not pay. What did he own to get almost killed? A 30 cent bag of Ramen noodles.
Yeah, prisoni is boring much of the time. Most of the time is spent with inmates either sitting in their cells and watching TV or playing cards such as dirty hearts or spades. Most guys are just waiting to go home.
A simple drug conviction will not get the other inmates riled up enough that they will harm him.
Two key points for you to remember: 1) no matter what your son is like, a first-timer or a repeat offender, his education level, his age and whether he is scared at first, there WILL be someone just like him in there for him to pal around with. There will be plenty of inmates where it is their first time and they will be nervous also. It is not like the every people in prison are hardened convicts with tattoos everywhere.and 3) thousands of men and women have gone to prison and released and they came out of it fine. There is no reason you son cannot do the same.
How well a person does in prison is how he carries himself. If he acts scared all the time and stays confined to his cell, afraid to mix with anyone, the inmates will get suspicious of him and maybe he will become a target. But if he is a stand up guy, who gives respect to others, keeps his mouth shut, and is generally respected by the other inmates, he will do fine.
Fifteen years is a relatively long time, but remember fifteen years is the maximum he will do. He might make parole at some point and he will get good time credits deducted from his sentence for taking some of the prison programs.
Stay on this board, as there are many wonderful ladies that are dealing with the same issue you are faced with. I am probably one of the only male members of the board and I served eight years in prison, so I can help you in that way.
RESPECT is a major issue in prison, as a person could get hurt by not keeping a door open for another inmate as you pass through the door, being loud, being a troll (someone who does not take showers or keep clean), by being just a general pain in the butt. Also if an inmate does something that will bring "heat" to everyone in his cell block, the other inmates will not like that at all.
Despite what you might have heard or seen on TV, forcible rapes are very, very rare. There are too many shemales there that will give it away without taking it by force. The only thing I ever saw which was even close to a rape is when a new, younger, frail inmate gets into debt and is coerced into sex to pay off the debt.
To keep safe, your guy just needs to blend in "and just be another one of the guys." He has to learn to get along with the other inmates. I am not a large guy, about 5 foot 7 and weigh about 160 pounds, but I never had any problems even at the medium because they other inmates liked and respected me.
In fact, I was called MR. Ralph by most of the younger inmates.
I realize it is only natural for a mother to worry, but you really have nothing to worry about. Your son will quickly learn what to do and what not to do around the other inmates. He does not have to participate in the games other inmates play such as armed robbery, drug games. homosexual tendencies, using or dealing drugs, but he does have to respect the other inmates.
Any time you have a question---and you will---just messae me and we will address it.
Good luck for yourself and for your son. I am 100% in you and your son's corner and I do not judge.
Keep us in touch.
rewdiazepam
Other inmates do not like whiners, especially at medium security prison. Whiners and people who write paper on COs or staff don't usually last long.
They are told to leave by the other inmates, to find another prison, to "catch out" in prison lingo. Then they have to go to staff and tell them that their life is in danger and they will ship them to another prison.
One last thing. Prison is not like the real world. In prison, sometimes things you do have unintended circumstances that would not happen in the real world.
Let me give you an example. I had a friend who was stubborn. One day we went into the chow hall and he had his baseball cap on. The CO asked him to take it off. He got into a verbal exchange with the guard. They began to argue. I whispered to him, "Take you damn hat off. It's not a big deal." But no, he refused on principle. So the guard threatened to write him up with a misconduct, but he didn't.
A few hours later that night, all the cells---every cell---- on the bottom run got shook down, where the guards come in, ransack through all your property, make a mess and take any contraband. Most of the time they overlook at lot of items they could take if they wanted.
But this time they took stuff----a lot of stuff, things that we were allowed to have. Then they "ACCIDENTALLY dropped several televisions and radios, rendering them useless. We all knew that was not accident---they did it on purpost. All throughout the shakedown, they let it be known WHY everyone was getting shaken down and their property taken and WHO was responsible----the guy that would not take his hat off in the chow hall.
After they left and we finally got the mess cleaned up----minus a whole bunch of our property which they took-----they beat the hell out of the guy responsible for the mass shakedown. They took heavy padlocks, put them in socks, and swung them around as weapons-----the old lock in the sock routine. They busted his head open in several places and he was a bloody mess. As they left one of the inmates told him, "You go tell anyone about this and next time we will kill you. If anyone asks, you slipped in the shower."
So you just have to be careful, use common sense, and think everything through.
Prison is boring most of the time, but it is not a game either.
rewdiazepam