I wanted to let everyone to know I will never turn my back on my son he's my world he's everything to me,nothing will ever change that. I don't care what my family thank he's a great son I could never ask for more. I'm so grateful for him. I love my son and it will never change !!!

Ps. Thank god for DS and the people that come here !!!!

Sorry crying again !!!

Blossom123,

It's okay. You are allowed to cry. It is a tough thing to experience. I am much like your son. I was salutatorian of my high school class, went to college on a full academic scholarship and am now the online producer for two Manhattan based magazines. Still nothing was as difficult as telling my mom I was gay when I turned 22. She cried... a lot. Like you she didn't only cry from the shock, she cried out of fear.

She feared how the world would treat me. Whereas before I was set up for all the success in the world, in an instant, she saw me thrown into a minority; one she believed marked me for pain and disappointment. She was wrong.

Being gay, does not define us. It is such a small aspect of who we are, though it is important. I hope that your family will remember who your son is, and not just label him as gay. He is the same smart, wonderful, ambitious young man, who just happens to like other men.

My best advice to counter any bigotry from relatives and loved ones is to arm yourself with knowledge. There are usually two forms of antigay bigotry, false logic and religious condemnation. For the first one, do some research. Did you know that every major medical, scientific, psychiatric, psychoanalytic and social science board has deemed homosexuality to be normal? It may not be your family members' version of normal, but it is still normal. I'd suggest reaching out to gay organizations for more info. PFLAG is an organization specifically for family and friends of gay and lesbian individuals ( community.pflag.org/ ). They are a national organization and have branches in Tennessee.

We do not choose this life any more than your relatives chose to be straight. It is a natural inborn trait. Just because they don't feel the same doesn't make it true. Your son was born gay, they weren't. Their feelings of discomfort at someone different do not measure up against all the factual based research. Also, there is no way to "turn" straight. The same academic boards I mentioned earlier have found so-called "Reparative Therapy" to be harmful to the individual and ultimately futile. In fact, any licensed institution found practicing these barbaric procedures face legal sanctions and the revocation of practicing licenses. The only places that openly practice them in don't rely on empirical and scientific proofs, and are in fact dangerous.

As for religious based antigay bigotry, there is much to be said. Some faiths condemn us, others embrace us. I am not sure if you are religious. Personally I am Christian. I know God made me gay, who am I to defy His design? When people use the Bible to condemn others, they shame themselves. The old laws were wiped clean when Christ made his new covenant, which said that loving and supporting our fellow man was the truest way to paradise. Older books of the Bible that condemn homosexuality, like Leviticus, also condemn eating shellfish, tattoos, mixing fabrics (polyester), and many other things taken for granted in the modern day. Do some biblical research, and just read your Bible like a book, you would be surprised just how many barbaric old laws antigay individuals ignore (ritual rapes, polygamy, incest, etc.). That is why we look to Christ as our example.

Talk to a more enlightened clergyman/woman (Episcopalian, Presbyterian, Ecumenical, Methodist, etc), and they will show you what I mean. Man has warped the words of the Bible to mean grotesque things. The Bible is an instrument of compassion, not a weapon to cause harm.

Your son is no fool. Based on his accomplishments, he must be pretty smart; a testament to your parenting. He'll know what is and is not safe and appropriate to say and to who. Talk to him about this to be sure. The best thing to do right now is communicate; ask questions, and learn. As for his safety, the collegiate world is different than others. Colleges and universities often hold diversity and acceptance as founding principles. Also, statistically, in areas of higher educated individuals, there is more acceptance. Your son is entering a nurturing environment. And just as an anecdote, remember, that a regardless of his sexual orientation, his future patients will still call him Doctor.

So yes, let yourself cry and work through your emotional transition. it is difficult. In a very real sense, parents grieve for their children when they come out. The child they thought they knew is gone (and frankly never existed), but as you already seem to realize, the child you actually have is remarkable. So embrace and encourage him. We have no choice in regards to our sexuality. What we do have a choice in, is how we live our lives. I started my life the day I came out, and grew in confidence and as a person. I can truly say that I am happy. I couldn't say that before. Your son will too.

Stay by his side, educate yourself and ask for help when you need it. Not only will you both be okay, but you will be better people for it. This is not the end of the world, just a new beginning for both of you.

All the best,
Steve

Thank you so much just reading your post made me feel so better. I know my son is he has should me so many times. I'm a over protective mother that wants fix everything for him,it's a cruel world. He ask me not tell any one do thank we should wait? I want to know when he's ready I'm there anything he need. I'm going to start reading more right now.one more thing my son acts like he's not ready to talk should I try or should I let him come to me? Thank you so much for time.

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I'm sorry I don't no what happen with my words they got cut out. It should have said that I know my son is strong he has proved that so many times.

Just let your son know that you are always there for him, and willing to talk when he is ready. Also ask if you can go to him with questions. For the time being, keep his secret. It is his to give others unless he says otherwise. Best of luck.

I completely agree. The best thing you can do is research. Learn about the LGBT community so you can educate others and foster tolerance. Be a straight ally for your son. People sometimes make terrible assumptions about things they don't know much about, so, the more you know, the more you can help and support him. Unfortunately people twist religion into words of hate, so it is important to remember that God loves ALL. I'm Catholic and a lesbian and I fully believe God made some of us LGBT for a reason- we're an example of courage and strength, just as you are for showing your love for your son. I think you're crying because you love him so much. I doubt a parent would react like you did if they did not support their child. One thing to note about religion, like Steve said, is that the book of Leviticus also condemns things such as shaving and wool coats, which we clearly don't follow anymore. When Jesus started preaching, he basically turned the Old Testament on his head which is why the New Testament exists.

Your son and I have something in common in that I am a senior in high school and I am currently looking at colleges in the Boston area for pre-med. I aspire to be a general surgeon and I do not think my sexuality will make me any less of a physician. In fact, I came out to my doctor two days ago, and I'm glad I did. She was extremely supportive and I am aware that it is important to build a good support system.

Again, you cannot choose to be gay or straight, but you can choose to be tolerant and accepting. Show your son you love him and your relationship will be as strong as ever. I wish you both all the best of luck. Don't ever let someone tell you that homosexuality is wrong. You and your son were blessed with tolerance and intelligence and I think you will make a great team. There are few bonds that are stronger than that of mother and child. You'll get through this and your son's happiness will make you happy too. :)

I just found out 2 days ago that my son is gay. It took all he had to tell me and we both cried as a comforted him and told him it was alright, although I felt as though I was hit over the head with a bat. I know how you are feeling I too find myself crying sometimes, but especially when I 'm alone. He is 19 soon to be 20 and is going into his second year of university. I am so proud, that will never change, but it is very hard to cope with. I joined this site only yesterday and already have gotten some really helpful feed back. I hope you are doing well.

Christina

Hi, I was so angry, blamed myself for abondoned him when he was younger. But then I accepted it, About 6 months later. As long as they are happy,in love; that is all that matters. Birth control pills were so strong back then 30-40 yrs ago. Takes 10 yrs to get completely out of system.

Try Pflag. Also I am trying to get sponsers for People who`s parents do not accept, like for al- anon.

I wish my mom would love me like you love your son

I just want to let all the parents out there know... tears are natural. Tears are the bodies way of cleansing the soul. As you cry, realize that you may be grieving for the loss of a dream. The dream that your child would one day bring home a wife, have kids, and make you a grandparent. There is nothing wrong with grieving the loss of these dreams because when those dreams are lost, new ones take their place and sometimes they are even better than what could have been.

Just because your child is gay doesn't mean that he or she will not have children. They may not have the 2.5 kids, white picket fence and wife wearing a white wedding gown, but they will find love and happiness by being allowed to share their love freely with you and that special someone they find. The greatest gift a parent can give their gay child is the freedom to love and share that love with his or her family.

When my parents found out I was gay, they shed tears aplenty. It took them a little while to come to terms with the fact that the person I was in love with was the same sex... but the greatest gift they gave me was when they said.. All I have ever wished for my kids is for them to be happy and healthy.. and to be loved and cared by someone they are happy with. When my family had to rely on my partner/husband to keep them informed while I was in the hospital, he called them every day with an update of what was being done and what decisions were being made and they realized that my husband is no different than any of the rest of my sibling's spouses.. and is in fact much more considerate and caring about their feelings too.

I have to say that when my daughter came out it wasn't really a surprise but I still cried. I think it is only natural because you grieve the loss of the child you thought you had and you worry about how your son will be treated. It takes time and it is ok to cry when you need to do so. I don't think that you are lucky that he felt ok to tell you, lucky that the world is more accepting that we all are different nowadays. I understand what you mean about worrying about family. You have to realize that what others think of you (or him) really is their problem. You are the only one in control of you. Plus you will be surprised, as I was, at how accepting the family can be. I am sure that some of my relatives have "made fun" of us but some people will do that no matter and we really can't worry about that. I suggest you talk to a therapist if you can. I did and she really helped me. It has been over 20 years for me and it does get better and easier as time goes by. I make a point of not letting anyone joke or malign gays in front of me and I think that helps us all!

that was a typo I meant to say I do think you are lucky, can't see how to edit a comment

It will get better for you and your son. When I came out to my mother she cried and asked what she did wrong and so on. This was the wrong way to handle it (not the crying that was fine, but acting like it was such a horrible thing that to have a lesbian daughter) because I felt like she was implying there was something wrong with me. We had a large rift in our relationship for 2 years. Finally we had a nice long talk and got our feelings out in the open. She was afraid I would not have a "normal" life and that I wouldn't ever get married or have children. It is now 8 years later and I am happily married to a wonderful woman. We have a wonderful house and are working on our family. The best part is that my mother and my wife get along great and my mom and I have never been closer. So cry as much as you need to but know it DOES get better.

When my daughter told me she is gay four weeks ago, I was crying so hard that I couldn't speak for two days. My world was crashed; I keep thinking she is not my baby anymore that killed me.

I found this website the next day after my daughter told me. I dont know what to do; I dont know how to look at her, talk to her. I felt uncomfortable to give her a hug for a week.

I went to PFLAG meeting two weeks ago. I met many nice people there, they totally understand me. I am not the only one to go through this new journey. I still have hard time to even say the word "gay", but I know I am doing better every day - means that I know she still is my baby.

This website is very helpful. They are lot of peoples situation similar as me; I feel a lot of support from all of you by reading your posts. Thanks all of you.