Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I joined DS about 7years ago in a different group. That group helped me get thru my crisis back then. When I realized my daughter (33) was addicted to drugs, I searched for a support group since I had no one I could talk to without betraying her confidence. So here I am.
So much has happened since she admitted to me she was an addict. She checked into detox twice and seemed to be doing well in outpatient rehab. Then around the holidays she began spiraling out of control. She's been in jail for a week now and I feel numb. My New Year's resolution was "Detach and Stop Enabling ". I learned that from most of you and I think that is what's helping me get thru this. I didn't fall apart when she was arrested, I didn't run out and bail her out. I didn't hire her an attorney. I'm not even accepting her collect calls. I'm going to let her do this on her own.
From what I've read on the internet, it seems that there is a pretrial offer of court ordered rehab for 18 to 24 months for drug offenders. The only problem is that I think it's outpatient and that didn't seem to work very well for her. This, of course, includes random drug tests. I guess if you fail the drug test, then you go back to jail. I know that even if she makes it thru the rehab there's no guarantee she won't relapse, but we have to have something to cling to. My dilemma is whether to let her come back home if she gets out. Her dad doesn't want her to. She's always lived with us and with no job and no place to live, I feel like I'm setting her up to fail. Or could it be that I haven't completely detached.
One thing that is breaking my heart is her child, my little 3-yr old grandson. His father is not in his life and his mother isn't taking care of him. We're looking into getting custody. I don't want to take him away from her, but right now I don't have much of a choice. I didn't think I would be raising a child when I reached my age, but I only want what's best for him.
So much has happened since she admitted to me she was an addict. She checked into detox twice and seemed to be doing well in outpatient rehab. Then around the holidays she began spiraling out of control. She's been in jail for a week now and I feel numb. My New Year's resolution was "Detach and Stop Enabling ". I learned that from most of you and I think that is what's helping me get thru this. I didn't fall apart when she was arrested, I didn't run out and bail her out. I didn't hire her an attorney. I'm not even accepting her collect calls. I'm going to let her do this on her own.
From what I've read on the internet, it seems that there is a pretrial offer of court ordered rehab for 18 to 24 months for drug offenders. The only problem is that I think it's outpatient and that didn't seem to work very well for her. This, of course, includes random drug tests. I guess if you fail the drug test, then you go back to jail. I know that even if she makes it thru the rehab there's no guarantee she won't relapse, but we have to have something to cling to. My dilemma is whether to let her come back home if she gets out. Her dad doesn't want her to. She's always lived with us and with no job and no place to live, I feel like I'm setting her up to fail. Or could it be that I haven't completely detached.
One thing that is breaking my heart is her child, my little 3-yr old grandson. His father is not in his life and his mother isn't taking care of him. We're looking into getting custody. I don't want to take him away from her, but right now I don't have much of a choice. I didn't think I would be raising a child when I reached my age, but I only want what's best for him.
There are times the courts can be informed that out patient treatment hasn't worked. We wrote emails to the judge basically begging for inpatient. He listened. Of course he relapsed and now going back. But it's worth a shot.
So when I was torn between letting my son come to live with me someone said this....how has it worked out in the past? And what has changed since? She's in jail not recovery. Can you get her child and let her go to a sober house?
Detaching from our children is extremely difficult. My opinion is until we get to a point of enough detaching is hard. Kind of like our rock bottom.
Taking her home will be enabling. So glad you are not bailing her out. Give her time to get clean and think about her life.
Sending you a big hug and prayers to be strong and your daughter get clean
Sober living is the best place for her. They will hold her accountable and help her to become self-sufficient. Meanwhile, her son should live with you until she gets on her feet and is able to support herself.
I so feel for you and your Grandson. My grandchildren have also been placed in my care at times (and then given back to their parents ) which caused havoc in our family. I understand how exhausting it is and although you will care for them. It is not how you thought you would be spending your later years is it ?
You asked about your daughter staying at home; In my experience with my son coming home was a bad idea. He seemed just to revert to being a child and took no responsibility. My son is 25 and has a drug problem. I think that other problem for you is that your husband is against it. It is important that you present as a united front, you will need the support and stress in your marriage is another stress that you dont need !
Good luck.
It's a national resource for substance abuse and mental health services.
They may be able to help find county funded residential rehab as well as directing you to a list of sober living houses. Not all are good so you would need to do research on each to see what rules are in place. My son's house has a curfew and they must clean, attend meetings and be drug tested! Strict is good. I highly recommend that she doesn't come home. They can't "grow up" at home and we can't detach when they're there.
as to the topic.
take the kid. even if she gets sober she needs a couple of years to work on getting healthy and getting a life and balance and a job etc. We have others who have done it...not easy. But better than wondering what he is being exposed to.
Here's a DS group for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren. I'm in the same boat, trying for custody of 2 grandkids. It's a long process and we don't know what the outcome will be.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Grandparents-Raising-Children/support-group
I also agree with others who mention that having your daughter come home to live with you may be harmful. Maybe too many triggers, etc. And the welfare of your grandchild is a huge concern...his mom needs to focus on recovery and you can focus on your grandchild.
I have PM'd you - good luck