I wish I could answer that, but all I can say is the disease of addiction is very clever and cruel. :-( I am sorry, I don't understand it. I can analyse it and this and that. But all I can say is that any addict's disease really hurts the one's who care for them the most. Its the nature of the disease. I am sorry you are hurting.

There are certain addictions that completely rule a persons life. Crack, meth, etc. rewire a brain and make it necessary and unable to live without. Your loved one is responding to the effects of the rewiring in the brain. Nothing you say will make them understand what they are doing. If/when they decide to stop is the point when they will need you most. Unfortunately, now is when you feel the most to help. It's a tragic irony.

Many addicts do the same thing, i agree with reply 2, drugs rewire the brain & dramaticaly change the addicts thought process, they do things that are against their morals & their personality changes. The drugs become the love of their lives & we get pushed to the back. They blame those closest to them to validate their reason for using b/c they wont take the blame themselves. My ex blamed me for his addiction & his behaviour & i did believe it was my fault for a while until i found they all blame their loved ones. Drugs are mind bending, even when they stop the drug it still takes a long time for the brain to rewire back to normal & for the brain to repair itself from the damage & then sometimes the damage cant be repaired.

It is not just crack addicts. It is every addict. Their DOC is their first and only true love. Generally family is only there for the purpose of enabling. When you are no longer willing to enable or be manipulated, they move on to someone else. Addiction is very powerful and becomes the "driving force" for their actions, thoughts and words. People who are not addict do not understand - nor do they need to. They only need to know one thing - there are only 3 outcomes for an addict: death, insanity or jail.

I must say i agree with mgs1, i have researched addiction for 6 months & asked addicts on the addiction site a thousand questions & i still have yet to understand how addiction affects people, unless you are an addict we can only imagine what it does.

Being married to crack addict i can relate. I agree with 2TiredTommy their brains become rewired and with staying completely off crack it take 2 or more years for their brain to recover. Meth addicts their brain can't recover its like little bombs going off.
Here is a really good site that shows how drugs and alcohol effect the brain.
http://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/addiction/drugs/mouse.html

I agree with everything that's been said and have one thing to add. Alcoholics and addicts are more interested in co-dependency than love. I see the dance with drugs almost like cheating in a marriage. I never had to worry about other women with my husband; my rival came in a beer can.

My husband chose the drug (which happened to be alcohol) over me. If I didn't enable him and tolerate his behavior at home, he spent time away from home.

another great site is amenclinics.com
click on SPECT gallery. You can actually see scans of brains under the influence of various things. Also you can see a healthy brain. Pictures are indeed worth a thousand words. No wonder we cannot reason with an active addict.
Dr. Amens book and PBS series is wonderful. Book: Change Your Brain Change Your Life.

Hi Brokenhearted,theyblame family wives, jobs anything to take the blame off of THEM. Its ALWAYS someone elses fault.They leave the paople that care and love them because their family wants them clean and sober, and they have no power over their addiction. I think the pressure is too much on them. My ex loved me and I loved him, but he love his drug og choice more! Love,Deb

I agree with fgling. I just found out two months ago that my soon to be ex-husband is a coke addict. We had been together almost five years but married for only 9 months. As of August, he began taking off for weekends to party and just didn't want to be around me. Finally in Dec. he told me that I had created too many problems in our marriage and that they couldn't be fixed.
He pushed me out of his life and I have been nothing but a supportive and understanding partner. I don't think we will ever fully understand what drives the addicts in our lives to push us away. I am still completely traumatized and devastated by what my husband has done to hurt me.
I have to realize that his brain doesn't work like mine and any rational thought that I might have, he is not capable of. Sad but true.

After many years of the addiction hampster wheel with my daughter I have learned she is hardest on me, blames me the most and pushes me the furthest away because of her own feelings of guilt NOT because of anything I have or have not done. It really is a horribly vicious cycle the addiction wrapped up with the guilt. I have maintained the best support I can offer with some boundaries with the hope that love and support will carry her to the place she will be well again. If not and for some reason her addiction consumes her completely with her life ending I will always know I loved and supported her. Try to remember it is a disease and treatable.....the hard part is waiting for the addict to recognize that. It took me eight years to get where I am today and it was hard. But acceptance of the things we can not control is half the battle. Once I accepted that it made it somewhat easier to manage. I could really let it consume me with grief because she is my princess but I choose to enjoy what little I have left. I hope that helps...hang in there and keep the love alive.

Many blame their families for their addictions and for good reasons because many do not allow the addiction to run their course without interruption. This is very key to allow a loved one to reach their bottom for only then can their ability to get out of it can take place. I received an email from a mother who's 40 year son is "caught" in meth addiction. She asked my advice, which was, "let him go. You're in the way and there is One who is greater than us all who has him now. Let God do what we cannot do."

BrotherRoy ~ I really love this "let him go. You're in the way and there is One who is greater than us all who has him now. Let God do what we cannot do." Powerful, awesome, encouraging words, and ones I'm trying to remember while I sit back and wait for my son to hit his bottom. Thank you, thank you for reminding me.

Both of the above mentioned sites are very good! Thanks for sharing them!!

Its easy for them to blame others. Mostly because they do t want to look at what they are doing to themselves and its easier. I know I was one. We leave our families friends children etc because the addiction takes over. I'm not saying its OK or making excuses for them but they have a brain disease and are wired differently from those who are " normal" I really can't explain it. We don't mean to behave this way. Its just the grip it has on us that has us doing theses things. Its sad. If we are around people who don't understand this disease its ten times worse. Support is everything to people like us. Try to help this person maybe do a little research may help to it may give you a better understanding of this horrific brain disease. Have a great day