Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Why Drug Addicts Will Always Choose Drugs Over Love
By David Sack, M.D.
A relationship with an active drug addict is inherently dysfunctional. They love you but then steal from you, lie at every turn and trick you into believing their lies. When they continue to use drugs even though their children are being neglected and the love of their life is threatening to leave, loved ones ask, Why is he/she choosing drugs over me? The natural, albeit faulty, conclusion is that the love is no longer there, or at least it isnt strong enough to overcome addiction.
The Illusion of Choice
Although understandable, the question misinterprets the nature of addiction. In truth, the addict isnt choosing anything. Their behavior is reflexive and automatic, based on a physical and psychological need for a substance. Drugs flood the brain with dopamine, training the brain to rely on the relief they provide and to assign greater value to drugs than other things needed for happiness and survival. Over time, addiction changes the chemistry and function of the brain, robbing the user of control and thus taking away the possibility of choice.
Only one relationship matters to an addict: the relationship with their drug. All of their decisions are based on their need for the drug; they see nothing but the drug and dont even realize that thats all they see. Even as their lives are caving in around them, they continue to believe theyre in control and that they dont have a problem.
As much as choosing drugs isnt really a choice, it also isnt personal. Drugs dont matter more than you, they matter more than everything - career, reputation, financial stability, religion, even food, water and the basics needed for survival. The addict isnt trying to hurt you; they are trying to fill a need, just as if your breathing was offensive to someone else youd be powerless to stop.
The Power to Choose Rests with You
It is common for people to spend a great deal of time and resources trying to save their addicted loved one, only to discover that they do not have the power to beat someone elses addiction. You cant solve their problems for them. Lecturing, blaming and criticizing will only push them closer to their drug. But you cant stand to hear the lies and empty promises or worry about their future (and yours) any longer. So what can you do?
You dont have control over the addict, but you do have influence. It is often an intervention, an ultimatum or a refusal to enable that leads addicts to take the first step into recovery. You can also take control of yourself. Do the things you love and go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings to get educated about the disease. Keeping yourself healthy and whole is good for you as well as the person you want to help.
Addiction isnt addiction if choice is involved. Addicts dont choose love over getting high, but they can take responsibility for managing their illness and, once sober, once again show their love for the people they care about. Addicts can get better and they need support to do so - but its the kind of support that involves clear boundaries to protect yourself and to avoid enabling, honest communication of love and concern, and assistance from professionals trained in treating addiction.
David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine.
By David Sack, M.D.
A relationship with an active drug addict is inherently dysfunctional. They love you but then steal from you, lie at every turn and trick you into believing their lies. When they continue to use drugs even though their children are being neglected and the love of their life is threatening to leave, loved ones ask, Why is he/she choosing drugs over me? The natural, albeit faulty, conclusion is that the love is no longer there, or at least it isnt strong enough to overcome addiction.
The Illusion of Choice
Although understandable, the question misinterprets the nature of addiction. In truth, the addict isnt choosing anything. Their behavior is reflexive and automatic, based on a physical and psychological need for a substance. Drugs flood the brain with dopamine, training the brain to rely on the relief they provide and to assign greater value to drugs than other things needed for happiness and survival. Over time, addiction changes the chemistry and function of the brain, robbing the user of control and thus taking away the possibility of choice.
Only one relationship matters to an addict: the relationship with their drug. All of their decisions are based on their need for the drug; they see nothing but the drug and dont even realize that thats all they see. Even as their lives are caving in around them, they continue to believe theyre in control and that they dont have a problem.
As much as choosing drugs isnt really a choice, it also isnt personal. Drugs dont matter more than you, they matter more than everything - career, reputation, financial stability, religion, even food, water and the basics needed for survival. The addict isnt trying to hurt you; they are trying to fill a need, just as if your breathing was offensive to someone else youd be powerless to stop.
The Power to Choose Rests with You
It is common for people to spend a great deal of time and resources trying to save their addicted loved one, only to discover that they do not have the power to beat someone elses addiction. You cant solve their problems for them. Lecturing, blaming and criticizing will only push them closer to their drug. But you cant stand to hear the lies and empty promises or worry about their future (and yours) any longer. So what can you do?
You dont have control over the addict, but you do have influence. It is often an intervention, an ultimatum or a refusal to enable that leads addicts to take the first step into recovery. You can also take control of yourself. Do the things you love and go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings to get educated about the disease. Keeping yourself healthy and whole is good for you as well as the person you want to help.
Addiction isnt addiction if choice is involved. Addicts dont choose love over getting high, but they can take responsibility for managing their illness and, once sober, once again show their love for the people they care about. Addicts can get better and they need support to do so - but its the kind of support that involves clear boundaries to protect yourself and to avoid enabling, honest communication of love and concern, and assistance from professionals trained in treating addiction.
David Sack, M.D., is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine.
Actually, this is what my SS32 told me several years ago when he was a pathological liar and convincing his father and me that he was "clean". I didn't understand how any parent could choose drugs over their own child and he said exactly what was said in this article and he was doing that very same thing to HIS son! He has now been clean for almost 3 years, but had to move out of state, so can't help raise his son. In the process, he also lost the trust and close relationship with his father (my dh). What bothers me is that he has NEVER apologized for the damage he caused and isn't apologizing to the ones that you have hurt part of the 12 steps?? Luckily, I'm not close to any of my stepsons, but it kills me seeing what it's done to my beloved dh.
It is so confusing when you hear addicts says I just decided I don't want to live this way anymore ...so they stop.
I thought they can't due to changes already done in the brain??
Sometimes I think the best thing families can do is to not enable and pull away from the addict as early in this disease process as possible--so hopefully they don't go deeper into this disease along with further brain changes that make it harder to recover.
It is so important that family members try not to take any of this craziness personally like how could you do this to me or our family.
..as stated above drugs are #1 above everything!
Also after they have been lying for so long how can we possibly trust them again?
startingo...I never got any kind of apology from the addicts in my family who (in my opinion) pretend to be clean (pills instead of alcohol). They know about the 12 steps and I believe someone truly sober will apologize with all their heart.