I was just having lunch and thinking by myself, I feel so badly for my son. I know when he calls and he sounds all cheery and happy and assures me that he is doing well and not to worry about him that he is working it out and getting his life back in order and that by next week he will be all set and moving forward positively.

Then I thought, what an actor....he sounds this way to me so he won't worry me when deep down I KNOW that little boy is still in there and wanting to just cry out and say 'mommie, please make this all better for me like you always use to...make the monsters go away....please? I need a hug mommie, I need a hug!".....I just know in my gut that when he is alone, that he cries and wishes that we could be as we where when he was a young boy, that he longs for that connection again.....that he hates who he has become. And in my gut and my heart I WANT to be that person he needs, that mommie that he can run to and get that hug....I so want that little boy that use to be so truthful, so honest, so cute....

But then I realize that we can all still dream, that we can hold those memories of a better time that tug at our heart strings...but we can never go back...we can only move forward....and until i see him settling down and a roof over his head that he lives in daily, and a job that keeps him busy and puts food on his table, those memories are what I will hold onto....and when that time comes, i will give him those hugs and I will look for the truth again......