That's a tough one. We pondered whether or not to bail our 22 year old son out of jail. I wish you luck in making your decision.

I'm afraid at this time that if I bail him out, he will be back to using in minutes. Sure he's withdrawing right now in jail. He's not stupid, would have to have been using to rob a bank! Maybe at 22 I would have, I've done a lot to enable him in the past. This is his third arrest in a year and a half.

nope. do not bail him out. you can't do it forever...and you must be running low on funds by now.

no.
no.
no.
so sorry. so sad.
He is better off in jail. safe, sober and not committing more crimes.

cab6, putting myself in your shoes, if it was my son, I would NOT bail him out. I would NOT put any money in his 'jail account', I wouldn't even visit him for at least a month. I may write a letter to him. I wouldn't accept any collect calls. In my thoughts, robbing a bank is showing total desperation. I would be afraid if I bailed him out, he would be a danger to not only myself, but to someone innocent in all of it. He is escalating and he needs to get severe help.

I know it would hurt me, it would suck to make that decision, but I feel if I bailed him out, I''m only enabling the cycle.

Much hope that you find peace in whatever you decide.

I agree with Hoping and Blue ... at 35 it is time that he faces and deals with the consequences of his actions. As heart wrenching as it can be, you need to put some distance between you and the situation. You need to take care of yourself first. You said you bailed him out for the last time, stick to your words or they won't mean anything. Good luck and prayers to you and your family.

say no!

I think you answered your own question, I believe you put it in capital letters,,, stick to it,, second time he is in jail ,, for robbing a bank?,, who even has the "guts" to do that?,,, just because no weapon was use, does not make it better,, ok, so what next?,,, problem can't be fixed, if it's not acknowledged, by bailing him out once again, your simply covering up,, your the one that is owning his bad choices,, you might as well put the hand cuffs on yourself, and do his time,, your making the choice to stay "locked up" to the addiction,,, manipulation is a symptom of the addiction, if you keep feeding it,, just keeps staying alive,,,, the only difference between the dope man, and enabling the addict,, is,,, the dope man gets paid,, we get screwed!!
At least when they are in jail,, we know where they are, and not constantly wondering what's next

Peace momma,,

Repeat after me: NO... Now again ... Bailing him out only allows him To go on his merry way ...as much as it goes against your "mommas heart" stay strong and SAY NO

I agree with everyone else. Do not bail him out. Losing his job is the least of his problems. He is going to go to prison if he robbed a bank and he's going to lose his job either way. If he's that desperate, he could get himself into even more trouble while out on bail. You're doing him a favor by keeping him in jail. When he loses his job, he's going to blame you. Don't accept the blame. He's in jail because of his own behavior. He's 35 years old. It's time that he stops relying on his parents to bail him out of his bad choices.

You also need to protect yourself. If you put up the bail money and he doesn't show up for court or violates his bail, you could lose the money.

by NOT bailing him out, you may very well be saving him from himself and the drugs. love him but do not enable. bailing out would be enabling. I know how hard it is but if you leave him there, may be the first step to his recovery
hugs, stay strong and take care of yourself xoxo

It is so hard to make decisions like this. He would like you to think he will loose his job because of something 'you" do not do. He will be angry but how you feel needs to become more important. If you think about it he is safer where he is. I have a 30 year old drug addict with a mental illness and he never learns...so what is a parent to do? How much madness of their messy lives do we allow them to ruin? It helps to know you are not alone and I feel for you. When the dust settles, I suggest writing your new stand and present it to him. Leave him the copy so he can read it again. It should say that he is now responsible for all the choices he is going to make and you will not save him from any of it. You will continue to love him but you are also going to love yourself. I wish you well.

Oh no! It's so hard to say no but I think it's the best thing for him.

Be strong.

Thank you all for your posts. It helps me to believe that I'm possibly doing the right thing by not bailing him out. He tried to call collect today (doesn't work with cell phone) and it breaks my heart to think that he's suffering. I'm just soo sad. Afraid too that I'll buckle if bail is reduced for some reason. I keep thinking that he may have done this because of an earlier drug debt, but doubt that is the case. Arresting officer said he just took a small amount of money and handed it directly to the dealer. What a tragic thing addiction is.

cardinal, you saying "you're putting the handcuffs on yourself" and "you are owning his choices" really got my attention. That is exactly what I have been doing with both of my sons, taking responsibility for their actions...not good. Thank you for the reminder.

Dear Cab6: I just joined this group and haven't shared any information with anyone yet but I want to respond to your plea for help because I just came to realize something. The drug takes precedence in their life over everything else. They can't help it. They even forsake their pets and leave them without food or water and never give it another thought. Their drug comes first. I was an enabler for my son too until I just couldn't afford it any more. Then I was forced to realize that my son was addicted to Meth and all unbeknownst to me. I always believed him when he said he was working but hadn't gotten paid yet. I knew he'd bounced a few checks but I didn't know that he had several gas drive offs and unpaid loans using his vehicle and Lord knows what else as collateral. Eventually I found my jewelry missing and other expensive items which I hadn't even taken out of the box yet. I found him at a pawn shop. The police told me they had been watching him for over a year - all unbeknownst to me. I had to evict him from the home I wanted to give him and once he was out it all made sense to me as to why he never wanted to answer the door when I came a knocking. Everything was all over the place, off the walls, broken, pawn tickets everywhere - nothing repaired...it was unbelievable to me. All of this slapped me right in the face so to speak and I realized I had to stop enabling him or he'd soon be dead. I realized that if only I had stopped enabling him sooner maybe we wouldn't be at this point right now where I'm so afraid for his well being. He'll be 40 years old this year. PLEASE DO NOT BAIL YOUR SON OUT. Sometimes the only way to get an addict some help is to let them go to jail and hope the judge will court order treatment for them. It may not help at all but at least you've taken the right step towards getting him some help - and yes, it's so painful for us that it's almost unbearable. The only way you can possibly save his life is to stop enabling him and let him face the music of what a mess he's made out of his life. Pray that God will help both you and him. I'll pray for you as well. It's the only thing you can do and not enabling him to continue his behavior is the most merciful thing you can do for him as well. I pray God will bless you and give you strength to do what has to be done which is not enabling him from this point on.