So, I was hopefully optomistic the other day, but naturally the other shoe drops, on my head...

I get a call from my son yesterday late afternoon: 'can I spend one night at home, I'm here in town and I don't have anywhere else to go and I dont' have a ride, my friend has to go get his gf or if you could drive me back to my gf's house ( 1 1/2 hours away)".....told him i'd talk to the hubby and call him back, I didn't call the hubby I needed to get myself together...NO you are not staying here not even for one night...and NO I will NOT drive you 1 1/2 hours away, my hubby is on his way home from work at this time....so i called him back, he found a place to stay that wasn't far from here, so I agreed to pick him up and drop him off....

We talked for the ride and I got him a pack of smokes and some McDonalds for him and his friend he was staying with (a childhood friend I know as well).....he broke down during the ride crying saying he was sick of living this way and that he is so exhausted at trying to piece it back together. He knows he can't stay with us, he is too old to be living with us and he has put us through enough....he doesn't want to live w/birth father as he is not comfortable with them and feels that he has 'figured them out' and is not happy with that. He doesn't know what to do...I suggested the sober living house AGAIN and he poo poo'ed that idea....

So I dropped him off, he gave me a hug "I love you and (hubby) too"...

now I'm sound asleep at 10:50pm and the phone was ringing, the answering machine picked up, it's him, he has a court date at 9am and could I take him? I was so tired, I didn't call him back.

I call him at 7am this morning, he didn't pick up, he calls at 7:15 sounding sleepy and is just so mad at himself for 'forgetting' about the court date and me feeling guilty about not calling him back last night, probably could've made a big difference if I did, but I didn't....and he has a friend that is 'lending' him the car, and he is driving, he is now eligible to get his license back but doesn't have the money right now as he is awaiting his retirement money to be released so he CAN pay the freaking fines to get it back....

I feel SO awful right now, the hubby doesn't know what to do with me....I SO want to just set up his room and say come back home, but we KNOW that won't happen, I'm NOT going backwards....but hearing his anguish in his voice and the desperation...."mom I stole 2 subs from S & S as I hadn't eaten in THREE days...this is MY LIFE and I'm sick of it! I don't know what to do!"......

He told me he is NOT lashing out at us he is just venting, he KNOWS we have done enough and he doesn't want anymore but an ear from us.....

I shoulda called him back last night and taken him....but I didn't because I was mad that it wasn't the most important thing on his mind and he 'forgot'....then I think about how much he has on his plate....he has NOTHING......no place to call a home, no place to call a true job, not a pot to piss in.

I feel helpless...I feel guilty....I feel like I need to be doing something, but all the guidance I give him, he seems to not think it is the right thing to do.....he doesn't want to take the disability the VA is offering him as other vets need it more than he does...he doesn't want to go on welfare to help him get back on his feet, cuz there are other people needing help as well...well HE needs help right now...i don't get it! Going on welfare doesn't mean forever, it means "i need help right now and then I'll be back on my feet again..."....using his disability doesn't mean being on it forever, it means being on it until he gets back on his feet again and gets his life in working order....why does he have to play the martyr?

Give me strength today....I'm just sooo worried that he'll be driving, get stopped and be in MORE trouble because I didn't call him back last night and make arrangements and I slept until 7am......when he was up all night trying to get a ride to the next state for a court appearance.