I also feel from your posts that you either don't want to be with her, or you want to be with her but only if she makes amends to you in all the ways you need her to.

I haven't walked an inch in your exact type of mocassins, and i often use that quote with people who try to give me advice when they have no experience of my issues. But, I have walked miles and miles in similar shoes - relationship crises and breakups, hurt, betrayal, fear, extreme anxiety, having the overwhelming urge to run and not stop running...

For what it's worth, my sense is that some quality counselling has been missing - counselling for you on your own, and a good counselling environment for you and your spouse. The interaction you wrote about in your last post might have gone better if it had been done in an effective counselling setting. I've said before I'm not sure about this rehab programme because it doesn't look like you were getting the right support.

You also needed some respite care for your kids, someone to look after them for short periods so you can get some headspace.

I think the general advice to put off major decisions is usually right for most people in most situations. However you are sounding so angry, hurt and betrayed, I am not sure you can get through the next few weeks without throwing in the towel. Just try to keep your kids safe from the adult problems each of you are grappling with.

She is just beginning her recovery and after 38 days I would not expect much change. She's just clearing her head. Her hard work is ahead. I remember when my ex came out of rehab I was advised that the first year would be horrible. He had to focus on himself and the family feels left out. I would not expect to hear any amends from this woman for some time, if at all. While she takes this time to work on her...you should be working on you. In my experience, my ex didn't even clear his head or sound somewhat like the man I knew until he'd been clean around six months. Good luck! It's a hard road and a lot of marriages don't survive...even in recovery.

Maybe I do have too many expectations, and I know I have gotten a little prone to looking at or for the bad, waiting on the other shoe to drop so to speak,,,,hard rut to get out of, but I am trying. When my spouse got out I had her car gassed up, and gave her a $100 bill. I told her that would have to last at least 2 weeks (longer if possible) since she is currently unemployed and my pay is biweekly. That was 5 days ago,,,,she has $5 now and needs me to stop and get some safe for her to take muscle relaxers this afternoon from the pharmacy. I have made my mind up that she won't get another dollar from me until I get paid again.

She seems happy, but as most of you have said she is mostly on top of meetings, meditation, calling for her color, talking with her sponsor, it just seems wierd, maybe I will get used to it soon. I do think I am going to ask her to start looking for a part time job at least during the time frame of her investigation that could take months. And I am not sure how many weeks I will bite my tongue when I come home and the breakfast dishes are still in the sink and the laundry is still on the couch. I used to wonder why she did nothing around the house on her days off, then I realized she was passed out on the couch all day. Now I am wondering what the hold up is on helping out, but I am going to try and let her get re-acclimated and see what she chooses rather than pointing it out. In my mind she as about an hour worth of meetings a day, and they are all within 5 miles of my house, plenty of time to do 30 minutes worth of chores a day IMO.

I attended the New Years party at the AA building with her, that was actually an enjoyable time, There was a wonderful guest speaker that made me laugh on numerous occasions during his testimony. I was amazed at the people that I knew there.

Sorry if all that seems like rambling, just wanted let you all know how things were going so far. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and have a great remainder of the day today. :)

Tell her to help out shes living there also. Okay maybe not tell her but ask her if she has a reason for not contributing.
Also I would get her any muscle relaxers that is a type of mind altering drug. Maybe she could work out alittle to get those muscles going or take Aleve.

Good point about the muscle relaxers Katrinka (I believe you meant to say you would NOT get those for her).

Mossyhorn, muscle relaxers are a drug of abuse, well known for affecting the same parts of the brain that pain pills and the like are involved in.

Why have you not had a meeting with her and her main doctor? She should only be getting scripts from ONE doctor, and she shouldn't be getting any repeats from previous scripts.

I suggest you see a skilled counsellor as soon as possible, both to deal with your feelings, but also, to learn new skills you will need. I am astonished that you gave her a $100 bill and expected her to make it last 2 weeks. Either you didn't know that was unhelpful, or could you be secretly hoping it doesn't work out?

You're right to set a boundary, but she is going to be under immense pressure to somehow get some money together for basic needs for the next week or so. Another option would have been a daily amount, or paying for items rather than giving cash. Make sure you don't start treating her like a child or abuse the power you have. I know she hurt you, I get that, but two wrongs don't make a right.

The muscle relaxers she is taking are called Zanaflex (I think spelled right) and were prescribed by the doctor in the rehab when she was in there, they are not supposed to be mind altering or addictive. She also is taking Cymbalta to help with her hip/back pain.

As far as the money goes, I am not sure what I am dealing with, the only way I know how to deal with her in some ways is to establish the playing field. She is supposed to be learning that with decisions come consequences, if she decides to blow her allowance then she can face the consequences. I will tailor what I do for her based on how she shows her responsibility with what is done. May not be the right way but is at least a way.

I thought about you guys comments, I don't feel that I have intentions to cause failure, I just don't know what her actual mental capicity is sometimes. She has never been that good with money, but she has also been intoxicated for the better part of 7 years, blame the pills for poor decisions or is that just her? How do I know if it is just her or not unless she performs the same way without the pills? Do I baby her and dole out $5 a day like I do the lunch money with my 6 year old? Or do I let her make decisions and deal with the consequences? She is not in need of much, she lives in our home, I am keeping the utilities up, there are groceries, she has a car to use, I filled the tank up last Tuesday and that should last more than a week, yes she smokes but that is a want not a need. I attempted in my mind to show her that I am not going to micro manage what she does during this time, she has free will to drive and do what she wishes to some extent, and you need money if you wish to get anything like fast food or cokes at a store or cigerettes. I had given her around $25 a week in Rehab and she always had money, with the same situation, she already had everything she needed.

I guess I am just trying to figure out if she is capable of starting out with an allowance and the small responsibility that would go along with her needs before I try in time to increase that responsibilty to help with household obligations, with the trust that things will get handled or discussed as to why they aren't. As much as I think I am a very capable person to work full time and keep up a house+bills since I have done it for some time, I would like to have the help of my partner to do so, and in my mind I am not asking too much at this point in time, "this should be enough money for your gas and personal needs for two weeks" I was given that at age 16. ?????????? If I am wrong please point it out and let me know if there are better suggestions, I am a guy, and in my past experience I think nothing like a woman LOL

Zanaflex does cause sedation, and may affect driving. Cymbalta is a pretty good choice and is an antidepressant. They are both new-generation drugs with fewer side effects than their predecessors. Older muscle relaxants are a red flag for problems, eg diazepam - very much a drug of abuse. She should be careful if her doctor is thinking of adding anything else, as these types of meds have a cumulative effect on the brain. Zanaflex is an overdose risk (more than Cymbalta is) so hopefully she won't have access to too many at a time in case she starts feeling suicidal.

I always look up the drug info on any new med I am prescribed, so I know how to take it safely, and in case the doctor missed something important. This is your wife's responsibility not yours, but there is no harm in you seeking this information, ideally in a meeting with her and her doctor.

My advice is to see a counsellor who can help you learn how to live with your wife now. You could also go to Al-anon for information and advice. If you continue playing it by ear on your own you are likely to run into problems.