She has made alot of strides toward getting and staying sober. I hope you have learned some techniques to help you with the times ahead. Good and bad.
I felt all the apprehension like you its like a stranger coming home, your distance because you can't take anymore dissapointments. You are wondering if they'll stay clean this time. At first there is a pink cloud all is good but then reality sets in and you realize the addict has to work hard at staying sober. They go to meetings all the time and its all about them for the first year. You feel like they switched addictions, from drug of choice to AA/NA meetings. Hopefully you will realize this is a selfish time for the addict and will have set sound boundaries incase of relapse and set some goals for yourself.
Goodluck.

Yeah, I know what you mean, all she talks about is meetings that she is going to, and last night she said she did her step 5 and felt so good to let go of all the shame for what she has done to people. I looked at that statement two ways, one I was proud for her to feel good, two it felt like another slap in the face the way she said it, sort of like "it doesn't really matter to me anymore for what I have put you through for the last 6 years". I don't know, Will have to see how things go I guess. Just can't seem to shake the feeling that I am missing an excellent oppurtunity right now to cut my losses even though I still have a hope that things will get better. I know I don't know who she is in addiction, and that not only do I not know her I don't like her. I have forgotten who she is without addiction so I really don't know what to expect, that is if she will ever be that same person as she was prior anyway.

Dear Mossyhorn,
When my husband sobered up, I moved out. Funny how I put up with the s**t until it was over. I couldn't handle seeing him get it together. We were seperated for a month. That is when I started going to Al Anon meetings. I felt exactly like you say, I wanted to cut my losses. I didn't like who my husband had become and I was so over him. However, the support group in Al Anon helped me to figure out ways to not want to slap my husband every time he took that next "good" step. He's been clean for 116 days now, and he brought me home a print out of his most recent drug test (which he does every few weeks for my peace of mind), our relationship has been growing in leaps and bounds and my children still have a father. If it wasn't for Al Anon and the people who really care there, I would be trying to make it alone with three babies. I am able to be happy for him too, and that helps both of us. Oh, I also got counseling from the local drug abuse center. That one on one did me a world of good too. Don't make your daughter the center of your life, figure out what you like/want and do it! That's what all of this has taught me. I hope you find a great support group in all of this, because none of us can fight the effects of this disease alone!

Sorry, I wrote daughter, I meant spouse... my daugther was talking to me!

I have a suggestion...don't think of her as your wife. Think of her as a friend- maybe not a very good one lately- who is going through big changes...as are you. But everyone needs some support. I know you are tired, no one blames you...but I remember the day my son got out of rehab the social worker blew her top at him...if he hadn't had a good grasp on his sobriety, that could have set him off....he had just found out his best friend had overdosed and died while he was in treatment. SO it comes to this...you have a responcibility as a good human being to put any decisions on hold and try to support a sick person. you set your boundaries, and stick to them, but your negativity is not helping your family. Let Go and put it in God's hands.
Meanwhile, addicts are selfish, and my sober son has much less time for me, and his sobriety comes first. after 18 or so months I finially saw what kind of person he was sober...and healthy in mind and body and spirit.
When you are with a sick person, you get sick too...so be nice to yourself, and cut yourself some slack. nothing has to be decided about anything today.
you know why they started alanon? the wife of one of the founders blew her cool and threw a shoe at her husband because she got sick of so many meetings in her house, when she and other spouses would have to wait closed in another room- like their bedroom! so she realized him getting better, and helping others was making her worse!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
It is all new territory. New, different. Only time will tell- so give it lots of time. They say (in rehab) the first year is hard. The second year is harder. I have not seen that, but I do understand that this first 18 months or so is completely about getting well. If it was chemo, we'd support them...so try, give it your best shot as long as she does, and later you can see how you feel about life, marriage etc. Who knows, if she continues this sobriety, you may really like and respect this newly evolved human being. Support with boundaries.

You just need to give it time. I know how you feel tho, just how much of our lives and time are we suppose to give the addict, the one who is selfish, lies the world revolves around me.
If you have feelings for your wife and even alittle hope you both can work this out then stay. They say give it a year, I gave it 12 yrs and didn't deserve what I got. If I had to do it again, I would never got involved with him and I would of left the first couple of years. But hind sight is 50/50.
But not all addicts are the same so I hope your wife is serious about staying sober and about working on her marriage if she wants to save it. Just because you work step 5 which is a cleansing of the soul, so what you did things to people you hurt those who loved you now you need to step up to the plate and show them your ready to make changes. Only then can you say it feels good to let go and know you've done all you could to make ammends to others. JMO

Blue,

You make some good points, but one analogy you used is the chemo thing, if my wife showed me she was ill, asked me to take her to the doctor, months go by together in hope, and chemo was the best option I would be there 24/7. But since she took a triple dose of carcinogens every day, smiled at me the whole time as if it was a joke, kept it a secret until it crippled her, then wants to cry on me because she needs chemo, I look at that slightly different. I appreciate all the advice and supportive stories I get here on this site, and I may open myself up for criticism when I ask something that I have no experience in, but I emplore you to walk a mile in my shoes before you throw a simplistic clich toward my life and existence with my spouse.

hey mossy,

can't say i've been where you are, i'm still dealing with my own addicted spouse...most of the time i don't like him...but i still love him...only advice i can give is take it one day at a time...and i'll say a prayer everyday for you and your wife...

god bless
DarqueStarr

Mossyhorn and Blue althought Cancer has similar effects on a family it is not exactly the same as drug addiction.
My friends husband died of colon cancer last year at the same time my husbands drug addicting was on going. We both were caught up in wanting to help our husbands, we both could see how worrying about our husbands was taking a toil on our lives and consumed our thoughts. She wanting to try anything to make him live longer, me just wanting to do anything to help my husband quit drugs.
But her husband was there for her, he didn't lie to her and he loved her first and formost.
My husband loved his drugs first, lied to me for a entire year about his living situation playing on my emotions.
So althought we had similar worries he husband loved her first and uncondiontional their whole life. Mine always wanted something and was never happy, couldn't hold down a job, etc.....
Addicts alwyas choose themselves over others. Cancer patients want to chose life but at the same time they don't destroy their love ones at least not in the same way.

The last meeting was shortened because she had just met with her employer and it hurt her feelings to realize that she was suspended pending an investigation of the state board to determine her license status. Her counselor thought it too emotional of a day to complete whatever we were going to do, so I have another appointment this morning at 10. I am a little anxious for some reason this morning.

I went to see her yesterday, and asked her about some issues I have with some relationships I don't like, and her plans for those relationships when she gets out. She looked like I had insulted her, and said she felt like nothing she did or said would be good enough for me. She may be right.

My spouse is getting out of rehab today, I will be picking her up in about 4 hours, it has been 38 days since she went in. I so much want to get out of the house for a few hours, with work and the kids I have had little time to myself, time to collect my thoughts, just time with no responsibility. I hope she understands if I go AWOL for a while between now and Sunday.

A word about being careful of what expectations you have of her stepping right in and being Mom. Actually, expectations for the next few years! They give the recovering ones so much to do and think about that they are supposed to stay focused on their own recovery and keep a sense of balance as they re-enter as sober people. But it all comes down to living a life that looks as selfish as the addiction did. The Big Book contains a chapter called The Family Afterwards that might enlighten you that you're not alone.
it's been a long haul for you and is understandable that you want a breather; just watch those expectations.....

I think I understand how you feel. My husband is an addict and is now in rehab. When I talk to him he can only say how hard everything is for him. I tell him I understand, my life is hard to, I am the one taking care of the kids, working, and going to college. I was an addict too, but I quit without rehab or any support. So I don't understand how he can say it's so hard when he is only working on himself. He has done nothing but tear our family apart and I have a hard time supporting him when he has never done it for me.
I hope everything goes good for you today.

We all want to run away sometimes but we don't because we have children depending on us. It wouldn't be fair to them to drop of mom and leave.
I feel from your posts you really don't want to be in this marriage anymore maybe you should do some soul searching to see how you really feel. Eventually we all get tired of the addict and their ways and sometimes its a little to late and we need a fresh start.

You have to be willing to let go of all that she has put you through if this is ever going to work. She cant take it back or do it over. I know how hard that going to be. But you have two choices you have to let it go and start over with her or cut your losses.