Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
THAT is the question! So you all know, I've closed the revolving door on our son after finding out he was using again. AND if THAT isn't enough, the hubby took a job in another state, so we are in the middle of packing, cleaning, and looking to sell our home to get moving and finding our next home.
Seriously the big guy upstairs supposedly only gives us as much as he KNOWS we can handle....well he must think I'm one big BAD ASS! ;O)....
So, I'm on our son's FB page, I've naturally hidden his post feeds....but I check in and see what he's up to, he blocks me from seeing most of his stuff I imagine.
So I see him posting for a place to lay his head. REALLY? He had checked into the Center for Homeless Vets.....he was telling me he was doing therapy and getting help and he was due for a dual diagnosis, which is TRULY what I think he needs....so I messaged him, he says 'that place is full of freaks and I was uncomfortable there, so I left'......
So he is homeless again.....I'm just mad I guess and disappointed, yet AGAIN, that he thinks he's so flipping normal.
We where out looking at houses in the other state over the weekend, he came in prior and cleaned his room REALLY well and packed up all the rest of what he could. I was thankful for that and told him what a great job he did. "I wished I had done that while i was there'....THAT is not the reason your not here."
I'm tempted to defriend him so I don't have to 'watch' anymore.
I guess I've truly come to this: It will end one of two ways. He will get his stuff together and live his life right. OR, sadly, I will get that call that none of us want to get.
I'm angry, thinking that I dedicated my entire life from 29 to 53 on this kid, teaching, helping, guiding, sacrificing, etc and yet it didn't matter, because he will always be this way and checking him into a center, or a shelter hasn't helped, nothing I've done has helped. And now I feel like I"m abandoning him and moving to an entirely new state, leaving him behind (which I know isn't true, the truth is he is an adult and should start behaving as such).
And hubby wants to know why I'm so aggrivated and full of anxiety all the time. Hmph....I'm hurting...I'm sad, mad, pissed off, taken advantage of, and feeling guilty for some unknown reason, I shouldn't but I do, feeling guilty because I have a good life, a normal life and that kid doesn't. Is it because he only had one parent growing up? Did I move around too much because I had to for work and affordability? I know, don't blame myself...but EVERYONE blames the parents, are they all wrong?
It's a time I should be thrilled, and excited and happy about a whole new chapter in my life. And all I am is pissed off and bitter, and finding EVERYTHING I can to get mad about and sad....
I HATE THIS ROLLERCOASTER!
Seriously the big guy upstairs supposedly only gives us as much as he KNOWS we can handle....well he must think I'm one big BAD ASS! ;O)....
So, I'm on our son's FB page, I've naturally hidden his post feeds....but I check in and see what he's up to, he blocks me from seeing most of his stuff I imagine.
So I see him posting for a place to lay his head. REALLY? He had checked into the Center for Homeless Vets.....he was telling me he was doing therapy and getting help and he was due for a dual diagnosis, which is TRULY what I think he needs....so I messaged him, he says 'that place is full of freaks and I was uncomfortable there, so I left'......
So he is homeless again.....I'm just mad I guess and disappointed, yet AGAIN, that he thinks he's so flipping normal.
We where out looking at houses in the other state over the weekend, he came in prior and cleaned his room REALLY well and packed up all the rest of what he could. I was thankful for that and told him what a great job he did. "I wished I had done that while i was there'....THAT is not the reason your not here."
I'm tempted to defriend him so I don't have to 'watch' anymore.
I guess I've truly come to this: It will end one of two ways. He will get his stuff together and live his life right. OR, sadly, I will get that call that none of us want to get.
I'm angry, thinking that I dedicated my entire life from 29 to 53 on this kid, teaching, helping, guiding, sacrificing, etc and yet it didn't matter, because he will always be this way and checking him into a center, or a shelter hasn't helped, nothing I've done has helped. And now I feel like I"m abandoning him and moving to an entirely new state, leaving him behind (which I know isn't true, the truth is he is an adult and should start behaving as such).
And hubby wants to know why I'm so aggrivated and full of anxiety all the time. Hmph....I'm hurting...I'm sad, mad, pissed off, taken advantage of, and feeling guilty for some unknown reason, I shouldn't but I do, feeling guilty because I have a good life, a normal life and that kid doesn't. Is it because he only had one parent growing up? Did I move around too much because I had to for work and affordability? I know, don't blame myself...but EVERYONE blames the parents, are they all wrong?
It's a time I should be thrilled, and excited and happy about a whole new chapter in my life. And all I am is pissed off and bitter, and finding EVERYTHING I can to get mad about and sad....
I HATE THIS ROLLERCOASTER!
Letting go,,, does not mean holding on to things we can not control,, and the courage to accept the things we can,,,,
Love ya
Hugs to you...
Our adult children have the right to do whatever they want, we don't have to agree, but we need to not judge them or stop loving them. Its like a baby bird leaving the nest, some can fly away and be fine others fall out and need some gently help pushing them in the right direction. Your son is this type, let him figure this out by himself, hopefully he will eventually pick himself up and surprise you.
The frustration you're feeling over your son's behavior is totally understandable and you're not alone in this boat - I would bet that most of us dealing with this or similar situations feel or have felt the exact same way. And like you, devoted all kinds of time, energy and love then did everything we could to help them beat their addiction and yet after "everything" they still continue to use. I think what we need to keep in mind is rather than feeling like we failed - know that we all did our best, what was expected and did everything in our power to raise our children and should be proud of this accomplishment. But we also need to realize that in the end, we can't control how they choose to live their lives because this their life, their path, their choice and bottom line we have absolutely no control over any of it -- but we can choose how we live ours.
I think one of the keys in surviving this disease is to not get lost in the weeds of your adult child's addiction. Create some space and separation from it and start living your life again. Try to remember what your life was like before you had children; did you have any dreams about wanting to travel, learning a new skill, going to college or maybe trying new things like sky-diving or something safer like basket weaving??? Whatever it was you now have a great opportunity to make it happen - a new town - new home - new friends - a new beginning to start living your life again.
Happy trails and let us know when you get settled...
I wish you and all of us in similar situations a letting go feeling that feels right.