Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
I haven't been on here for a while but really need the support. My husband has been clean for a year, which is great news. But, our relationship is horrible. And I still feel like I am alone without a partner.
Every interaction we have is a struggle. I really can't seem to get out of this funk with him. I just can't believe I have been doing this for ten years.
We got into another argument this afternoon. Well more me not responding the way he hoped I would respond to an email of us. Honestly, I find dealing with him so emotionally draining. I feel that I never had the response he is looking for. I feel like I am constantly disappointing him.
He just sent me a text asking if I want a trial separation. He says we both deserve to be happy. I responded that I didn't want that and I will set up an appointment for marriage counseling.
Then, this is where, I feel he turns everything back on me. Or maybe, it is me, and I can't see it through the pain and hurt.
He responded that I am not being fair to him, if I will never embrace him. It would be very tough for him to walk away but he is strong enough to handle and he can't go on for another 3 - 12 months like this. He says it's safe and comfortable and a total sham of a marriage. If he wanted to live the common life, he would have married someone more conservative.
Then he finishes up that he can't keep typing because people are starting to notice how upset he is getting.
I haven't responded to these last slew of texts. I find them so hurtful and it will take me a while to get over these. Not to mention, I am sure that there will be another round of fighting since I didn't respond to him.
Have no idea what direction to go in.
Every interaction we have is a struggle. I really can't seem to get out of this funk with him. I just can't believe I have been doing this for ten years.
We got into another argument this afternoon. Well more me not responding the way he hoped I would respond to an email of us. Honestly, I find dealing with him so emotionally draining. I feel that I never had the response he is looking for. I feel like I am constantly disappointing him.
He just sent me a text asking if I want a trial separation. He says we both deserve to be happy. I responded that I didn't want that and I will set up an appointment for marriage counseling.
Then, this is where, I feel he turns everything back on me. Or maybe, it is me, and I can't see it through the pain and hurt.
He responded that I am not being fair to him, if I will never embrace him. It would be very tough for him to walk away but he is strong enough to handle and he can't go on for another 3 - 12 months like this. He says it's safe and comfortable and a total sham of a marriage. If he wanted to live the common life, he would have married someone more conservative.
Then he finishes up that he can't keep typing because people are starting to notice how upset he is getting.
I haven't responded to these last slew of texts. I find them so hurtful and it will take me a while to get over these. Not to mention, I am sure that there will be another round of fighting since I didn't respond to him.
Have no idea what direction to go in.
There is nothing wrong with marriage counseling. One wonderful coping tool I learned was to do this, when something starts simmering, stop. Ask if the two of you can make an appointment to talk about it and table it until then. By the time the appointment rolls around the emotions about it are gone and what is left is the real issue, not the issue that tried to start a fight in the first place.
I feel for you and wish you good luck, I've been there myself.
You can do alanon/naranon meetings to talk to others that have been thru what you have. If he doesn't go to marriage counseling go to counseling alone. You need to sort this out
Ironic he didn't sign on for conventional. When did you sign on for addiction? Seems a one way street. I'll bet you weren't so conventional until your life was turned upside down.
Only thing I can say is self care. Take care of YOU. Maybe you fight a lot because you haven't been validated thru all this as being hurt. I remember those days.
Maybe the sober version isn't a great guy or maybe he just has some self work to do. He's blaming you for his unhappiness you seem to be blaming him. Marriage counseling can definitely help you guys sort through some of this but individual for each could also help.
Basically, he had his life using (which I wasn't aware of) and I built a life of my own, working full-time, raising two kids, volunteering and a full social life. He wasn't involved in my life and obviously I wasn't involved in his. This path works, but not for longevity, I finally figured out the disconnect. Found a professional that could help him. He goes to private group therapy once a week. He has access to his therapist 24x7. He is currently on Suboxone.
I am in counseling and she has recommended marriage counseling.
He is in group therapy, but how much can he be working on himself in a group?
I can't tell you how many times he throws in my face he didn't sign up for a conservative wife or sexless marriage or being married to a bitch. I always hold me tongue and want to throw right back at him but I never signed up to be married to an addict.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was fun, up to do new things, very smart, life of the party.
Now, he is angry, doesn't like anyone, never wants to go out. Everything is about him. He works and fishes, that is about it.
Just like you can't make him sober, you can't force him to work on the marriage. You also shouldn't have to be on this emotional roller coaster. Maybe it's time to get off of it.
You sound like you have really got it together, good for you.
You know, all I know (I used to work in the field) was that people were so scared of a separation, yet time and time again after they separated, I heard many women say "why didn't I do it sooner."
While I understand you want to work on it, you may find life after the crazy chaos of substance abuse isn't so bad.
I wish you well no matter what direction life takes you.
Peace..