Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
When I started on the journey of addiction with my sons there were things I wish I had known.
Here are a few of mine for those just beginning. Please add more of your own.
I wish I...
Hid my money and valuables outside my home
Never left any prescription drugs in the house
Slept with my car keys under my pillow
Never bailed them out
Never paid an attorney for them
Never made excuses to others for their bad behavior
Reached out sooner to those standing in the same shoes
Admit I was addicted to their addiction
Take care of myself more
Made them leave my home sooner and not worry about upsetting them
Not believe their lies because it was easier to turn the other way
Go to counseling, coda, alanon, etc. more often
Stop trying to fix them.
Not pay for suboxone (their recovery...their expense)
Not pay their tickets
Not give them money
Educate myself more
I know I could list a bunch more...because I commited every enabling act known to man. I know we all struggle on what is right and what is wrong. It's a brutal disease. just being here shows we all look for answers. I've been dealing with this for 21 years. It never gets easier. I remember the first time I was faced with any of this. I sat next to my car after dropping my older son off at a hospital and sobbed. I didn't know who to talk to.
Let's get a list going for what you wish you knew for all those new to this epidemic. Perhaps we can make them all feel like they have some idea where to begin.
One more thing...
I wish I knew sooner to pray (I kind of lost my way with God for a long time). This brought me back.
Here are a few of mine for those just beginning. Please add more of your own.
I wish I...
Hid my money and valuables outside my home
Never left any prescription drugs in the house
Slept with my car keys under my pillow
Never bailed them out
Never paid an attorney for them
Never made excuses to others for their bad behavior
Reached out sooner to those standing in the same shoes
Admit I was addicted to their addiction
Take care of myself more
Made them leave my home sooner and not worry about upsetting them
Not believe their lies because it was easier to turn the other way
Go to counseling, coda, alanon, etc. more often
Stop trying to fix them.
Not pay for suboxone (their recovery...their expense)
Not pay their tickets
Not give them money
Educate myself more
I know I could list a bunch more...because I commited every enabling act known to man. I know we all struggle on what is right and what is wrong. It's a brutal disease. just being here shows we all look for answers. I've been dealing with this for 21 years. It never gets easier. I remember the first time I was faced with any of this. I sat next to my car after dropping my older son off at a hospital and sobbed. I didn't know who to talk to.
Let's get a list going for what you wish you knew for all those new to this epidemic. Perhaps we can make them all feel like they have some idea where to begin.
One more thing...
I wish I knew sooner to pray (I kind of lost my way with God for a long time). This brought me back.
I wish I hadn't been so nave when she stayed in bed all day because of migraines, stomach cramps, insomnia, etc.
I wish I had listened to my older daughter when she said her sister was using and dealing drugs in my home right under my nose.
I wish I had done something when she kept filling scripts for painkillers.
I wish I hadn't been so uneducated in regards to drugs and so supportive and trusting of my daughter.
I wish I hadn't been so damn stupid.
I wish I would have not automatically assumed because I spoke of the dangers of drugs often that it would protect my child from trying them.
I wish I would have known there is no quick fixes for this disease it is a long battle of ups and downs.
I wish I didn't work harder than my son for his recovery.
I wish I would have known how many ways there are to cheat a drug test.
I wish I would have trusted my gut every time I was being told a lie.
I wish I didn't get so obsessed with saving my son that I lost myself.
I wish I didn't always put his issues in front of everyone else's in the family because his were so much more serious.
I wish I would have known that this is a wonderful place for support sooner.
I wish I would have known how prevelant drug addiction really is .
I wish I would have known that I was raising my son in the middle of the worst heroin epidemic that has been seen.
I would have not been glad he was "only drinking"
I probably would not have been smart enough to change any of the stuff in our past, because I didn't know it.
I would have tried to take better care of myself.
I wish I would have kicked him out years sooner!
I wish I would have educated myself long ago as to avoid all the enabling and codependent behaviour.
I wish I hadn't believed him so many times.
I wish I hadn't been in denial about it for as long as I was!
I wish I would have gotten to know the parents of some of my son's new friends. My son's best friend was a drug dealer. Her mother was a crack addict who supplied the drugs for her daughter to sell. Another mother was addicted to pain pills and left them where the kids could get into them. Another supplied the alcohol.
I wish I had learned the signs, like pieces of straws, that were all there in front of me.
I wish I had not assumed that the plunging grades were related to ADD or learning disabilities, etc. I spent a lot of time trying to "fix" the wrong problem.
I wish I had locked up my special jewelry and did not let my son walk out the door with my IPad.
I wish I had learned about in-home drug tests, how to access cell phone records, etc. a lot sooner and not been afraid of invading privacy.
I wish I had learned more about the disease of addiction, so I could understand that some of the behaviors are more a symptom of the disease than a character problem. I would have done some things differently and might not have been as angry.
I wish I had stopped the money flow 10 years ago.
When the disrespectful became the normal behavior why did I not walk away?
When a grandchild came and was used as a pawn why did allow this?
I wish I had the self respect that I now have earned and learned to trust.
I wish I would have trusted my gut and took the blinders off to the beginnings of this monster
I wish I would stop thinking that this is the last rehab and maybe this time he will change
I wish I would have told my husband sooner
I wish I would have stopped thinking "not my child"
I wish I would have never given him the basement apartment all for himself because he was "responsible"
I hate to admit this last one because I am so ashamed when I think of it.....but sometimes I hate that I gave him CPR to save his life only to bring him back to this horrible disease :(
This is the only place that I have ever openly admitted that, other than in my thoughts. It kills me to think this way.
Because didn't most of us work harder for their recovery than they did?
Some of these truisms speak to us more than others. But most are spot-on and we can all nod in agreement.
Thank you all.
Let's keep it going.
In my family I can now easily see the big generational picture--including in-laws I married into and my brothers did the same!
I feel like I must do my part to not accept this disease and the behaviours as normal for the next generation to repeat with 0 awareness. I have no idea if my refusal to be a part of the craziness will have any impact at all but I must try for myself as well as others. You all are so good and need you all!!