Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group

Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...

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Sandyra 10/06/2009

Well he's still gone and I still sit in this suite grieving him, not accomplishing nothing. Hating everyday, starting to hate him even though I miss him like crazy. We still talk but I don't know if thats good or bad? My heart and soul are lost and I feel he made me as sick as him if not sicker and then when told to go can easily just walk away and leave me to try and fix my mess. My emotions are a rollercoaster and when I try to reach out to him he's distant. He acts like Im the one who as the emotional problems and I drag him down into his, which is not good for either of us. To some extent this is probably true? i just want to stert climbing out of my deep dark hole he has left me in and after 3 weeks I would have expected me to be alot farther, but no still in my emotional no motivation rut I was in then. Every day I waste sitting around moapping and almost I guess feeling sorry for myself. I have been aff work and I know that probably plays apart of my ups and down, but have been told that I could possibly be back to work for saturday? Don't know if this is good or bad cause in all this time off I haven't even set up life in my suite. Living out of boxes, well not even living just getting bye. When and how do I get off this ride and find a new one? I know as much as I want him here it doesn't help either, I tried cause with him its another ride all together, fear and worry constantly. Alone its sadness and lack of motivation to eat or even take care of myself? Scared, lost, alone, sick from no food, tired from rough sleeps? I know people say it takes time but I'm still hurting so much and just want it to stop!!!

deleted_user 10/06/2009

I hear you, I am having the same problem right now, only this time I am fed up want him gone, and he is calling and texting me all the time, work keeps me sane and I would feel lost with out it, family helps too, before when he did this he was the distant one and I missed him like crazy and now he is the stalker either way it still gets in your head and either way it's hard, it takes time allot of time, I just want to wish you the best try and hang in there and make a list of all the fear and worry and hurt and pain you went through with him vs the sadness and lonliness you are feeling right now, compare them I promise the other is allot longer, SMILE you deserve too, and you deserve someone who will make you smile. best wishes

deleted_user 10/06/2009

Sorry for your pain but this is the aftermath of an addict! Time does heal, you need to consentrate on yourself, you need to recover as much as him.
Dont expect support from an addict, he is emotionally unavailable & will not be able to support you even when clean! The days will get better as you adjust to life without the chaos & you will start to feel the benefit soon. You need to find yourself, go back to work to take your mind off him & start doing things for you! You really need to look after yourself to get through this! Be strong.

Louise

katrinka 10/06/2009

I know how you feel I am in the boat except my Ah is half way across the country. I keep telling myself I deserve better even my Ah says I deserve better then a jerk like him, but I still miss the fun loving part of him. He wasn't all bad and we did have lots of fun except when he was in drug binges. He's homeless now, lost soul and going in no direction.
So why am I doing this to myself. My counselors says its because his staying and goining had equal balance to me. For me he gave me alot of love something as a child I never had nor in my first marriage so I;m grieving that lost. But on the other hand I don't miss wondering what will be missing or any of the drug related stuff.

katrinka 10/06/2009

I think the talking is making it worst for me. Just hearing his voice is calming I don't know maybe I am addicted to him.

Sandyra 10/06/2009

thank you ladies for your replies, everything is so true but when your in the moment you find it hard to see the light at the end? I do believe like katrinka mentioned that the love he gave me when sober was what I lacked as a child and in my past marriage. I believe that is what I carve the most when he's gone. I want his warmth and compassion. I am hopeing that by getting back to work that will help me get distracted and help me look forward? I do believe it will help keep me sane? I also want to find the desire and the need to do for myself. I do absolutely nothing nd beat myself up mentally for not doing it? If im not lost in thought about him Im emotionally feeling sorry for myself that I once again wasted a day accomplishing nothing? I want to learn to live with me and love me, and feel like he made me so sick and lost? Its almost like I hate him for that, make me as sick as him if not sicker and walk away?

deleted_user 10/07/2009

It's amazing how women get so wrapped up in a guy and then face this type of agony!

katrinka 10/07/2009

Brother Roy thanks for making me feel better, not . Just kidding.
From what I understand their are people who are feeling type and then there are thinkers. Your born predisposed to these type but you can recognize and start to make changes its just harder. I am a feeler type so is my son my daughter is a thinker and doesn't understand why I just don't move on kick him to the curb. But instead I remember the good stuff and tend to forget the bad which is also a survival thing. Which is why I should be writing more things down so I don't forget.

deleted_user 10/07/2009

Hi Katrinka, I am thinking, more and more, about the original curse placed upon woman from leaving the side of man in the Garden, when God said, "Your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you..." Notice, He (God) doesn't reverse it for the man. Their has just got to be some innate characteristic which causes a woman to be so "emotionally" attached to her man and when he acts an idiot, and most of us do, it is harder for her to let go. You know, I see this time and time again here in this site, and my heart just pours for those of you caught in this web of deceit and later frustration and guilt. I just hope the day comes when all of you will be freed from the slavery, just as I am "freed" from my addiction. It is sooooooooo wonderful to be free.

katrinka 10/07/2009

Brother Roy I think some of us are nurtures and maybe the lucky ones can nurture but move on. I think its great to have the prespective of someone who has been there and a guy. Guys do think alot different then woman.

katrinka 10/07/2009

Also time makes ous start to think differently at least for some.

deleted_user 10/07/2009

I don't see many male participants and I certainly don't feel shy or uncomfortable giving a different perspective. I think I am better suited to give the stance of an addict and how he would perceive women. I can tell you this, however, if I had met about 95% of you I would still be out there in my addiction! The women I had in my life were very quick to say, "No way. Take it elsewhere." My mother, being one of the first to let me know very clearly, "You're not welcomed here." I'll just keep adding as I see where I am able to contribute.

deleted_user 10/07/2009

I wish I had some advice to give, only can add some of my story I left my husband a month ago, and I go back and forth between feeling like I'm moving on and torn because I love him. I just don't understand why I can't move past this and begin to feel better, then I hear a song or see something or do something that remind me of him and I'm a bucket of tears all over again. If only he had gotten the help he needed (he's still in denial). If only he could see what I see...why can't he see that drinking every day and using prescription drugs is an issue? I just wonder if some day I'll feel better. I wonder if I'll ever get over this. 14 years I loved and lived with this man, and now I lie in my bed alone and long to have his arms wrapped around me. When it was good it was really, really good, but the rest of the time....it just wasn't. He chose his addiction over me again and again and again, and I deserve so much better, as do you.

Maybe in time we will get healthy and strong emotionally. Hugs.

deleted_user 10/08/2009

I don't think it's just w/ a man either--my mom is an alcoholic, and I've always been searching for that love and affection from her--I always let her back into my life because I still crave to have her for once say that she's proud of me or loves me. I have a wonderful husband, but still wreak havoc on myself from issues from my childhood and my mom and dad's addictions. I have to be strong enough to say no, and just let go finally--because that love and affection that I'm looking for is never gonna happen because she's too wrapped up in herself and her addiction. I pray for peace for you and only hope that with time you will start to feel better. You deserve someone that will treat you nice, and take care of you--not cause you all this pain. Only time will heal....

Erica

deleted_user 10/08/2009

I probably should stay out of this but I just have to say this being the emotional person I am.
Over all the years I see that men love the emotions in us when it is to their benifit (like bed). But when we start crying or being a baby about something suddenly were too emotional.....
And here women love with their hearts not their heads because thats why we are women. Once we get the emotional part out about how wonderful and loving and giving he used to be we can let go easier but still we have our special place of special things. Men no matter how great they are, they don't have that special place, when they are done, they are done period the end! Unless they are in jail or need something..then they fall back to old relible us everytime, and when we finally see the light..we do let go for good. It just takes us awhile longer BrotherRoy....were women. Just my two cents~

deleted_user 10/08/2009

And I'm so thankful that "you' (women) are women because if the world were full of man-like personalities, we're doomed. I am so thankful for the women in my life and how they've treated me. It is my goal and purpose in life to always treat women with respect, dignity and love. This is why beginning this Saturday, I will be speaking at a major church in this area of New York, kicking off a campaign to begin the funding for a facility, for women, where their drug addiction may be approach from a Christian perspective than one of secularism. Where women can be re-united with their children and form bonds of love and growth in self-esteem so they can return to their rightful place in society, and that is, beside good men, oh, let me repeat that, "GOOD" men who will love them mutually and hold them in high esteem. God bless all of you--women, for it is for sure, I need you, too.

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