I have been in that situation before and it turned out really bad for me. Once we were married he turned really harsh. Not saying yours will, but mine did. He would beat me he would yell at me and push me around. I was a nurses aid in a hospital and there were days when I couldn't even take care of my patients because I hurt so bad. He would throw things at me. I left him and he came hunting for me. I thought he was going to kill me so I ran and I hid.

You need to look long and hard at him and see if what he is doing to you right now is something that you can live with because once you're married it usually gets worse. Not always, but usually. Good luck to you!!

I have not personally been through this, but I know a woman who, the day before her destination wedding, discovered that her husband-to-be was a drug addict. She proceeded with the wedding and for the most part, it's been a happy marriage. They have now been married about 10 years and have two children. Her husband relapsed briefly twice since their wedding day, but she chose to marry him because she knew the man he was at his core...a good and godly man who, when sober, is a wonderful husband and father.

It is a lot to consider if you believe that marriage is a Holy Covenant ordained by God Himself and not simply a legal contract easily broken. For better or worse can mean many things. Neither my husband nor myself ever smoked or drank, or did drugs of any kind, yet both of our children became heroin addicts in their twenties. Needless to say, this could have divided us as a couple, but we fought to protect our marriage while attempting to support {but not enable} our adult kids.

Engagement is basically a declaration of your resolve to lifelong commitment to one another. During the course of married life, every couple will experience trials and tribulations they could never have expected or prepared for. If you truly love this man and are willing to stand by him during his recovery as well as during any possible future relapse, marry him. ALL married couples will have to make the choice, sooner or later, whether or not to endure the hard times as well as enjoying the good times. Obviously, it's easier to end the relationship for fear of what might come, but it's foolish to believe that any marital relationship will be all sunshine and roses. Choose your spouse and accept the life that comes with him.

When my husband and I married, there was no possible way of him knowing that 15 years later I would become desperately ill and be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. No crystal ball warned him that it would mean three plus years of doctors and treatments and lots of money spent before I was stabilized. He had no foreknowledge that during those years he would be forced to take on ALL the household and family responsibilities because I was unable to function normally. Instead of happily ever after, he endured watching his once lively, independent, highly functioning, capable wife dissolve into a helpless, needy, dependent wreck of a human being. But, because he loved me with the Love of Christ and not a self-centered, self-seeking, self-serving love, he stood by me - never complaining, never lamenting, never wavering in his dedication to me and our marriage. Eventually, my illness was brought under control with a handful of setbacks here and there in the years since. It never once entered his thoughts to leave me when things were darkest. He was in it for the long-haul. He chose to love me when it was hard as well as when it was easy.

Our oldest son, a recovering heroin addict, was engaged to a lovely young woman when he relapsed a month ago. Her knee-jerk reaction was anger and hurt and she initially called off the engagement. However, once the anger subsided and she began to think it through calmly, she realized that she truly loves him and has decided to walk through recovery along with him, giving him a chance to demonstrate his sincerity and prove his resolve to remain clean and sober. Their wedding was set for June, 2017, which - obviously - gives her more time than you have to see evidence of his success in recovery, but she fully realizes that relapse could happen again in the future, after they're married. It is an exceedingly difficult decision and I would not have held it against her should she have decided otherwise.

I guess I say all that to say that no one can tell you whether or not you should proceed with your vows. You will have to search your heart and soul to find the answer. I would encourage you to pray and even fast if you feel so led. I consider it very positive that your fiance is actively involved in A.A. As a matter of fact, I strongly encourage you to attend meetings with him whenever possible, if he's okay with that. For our younger addict son's first 45 days of sobriety, I attend every N.A. meeting with him. I learned more about addiction in those 45 days than I learned in several years of reading about addiction. Those of us who are not addicts/alcoholics could never, ever fully comprehend the darkness and pain addicts face on a day-to-day basis. If you aren't already aware of it, the anger and lashing out is largely a part of the withdrawal process...which can take weeks or even months...as the brain is fighting to return to normal functioning without substances. We saw this in both our sons as they recovered. In their case, there was a marked difference in their emotional state once they passed the 30-days clean mark. The anger greatly subsided and we could begin to see serenity in their countenance...something we hadn't seen in them in years.

One last thing...the person you fell in love with is still in there. Alcohol has masked his true identity and has stolen his soul. If he remains faithful in his recovery, you will gradually see the real "him" re-emerge. If he continues to work his recovery {finding and keeping a sponsor, attending meetings, working the 12-steps faithfully}, he will begin to address his character defects as well. Working with a counselor and/or fellow recovery alcoholics, he can discern his triggers and how to guard against them. But, know that there are no guarantees, this side of Heaven. If you choose to marry him, you choose to love him through the good and the bad, no matter what, and he chooses to do likewise for you. Although when he's lashing out it's hard to remember that he's suffering, too, but he is. No one ever says, "I want to be an alcoholic/addict." They make the initial decision to drink/use, but once they are trapped, they are held captive. The reason A.A. and N.A. are successful is because the members there have what they need - unconditional love, encouragement, and 24/7 support. In marriage, husbands and wives are called to give that same level of unconditional love, encouragement, and 24/7 support...and then some.

Pray fervently, and commit 100% to whatever you decide. My prayers are with you.

All I can say is this....
If a relationship starts off with a lie then the trust is broken. You are planning on marrying a man who kept his true self from you all along. Alcohol or not he chose to let you fall in love with who he wanted you to think he was. The choice to stay or leave was taken from you. Hes lashing out because he is an addict. They self sabotage. Hes either scared to feel emotions (they self medicate with booze or drugs for reasons) or hes still drinking and thats what they do when they are. You have to do what your gut tells you to do. We are all different. What works for some may not work for you. This is a personal decision. I can't imagine how hard it is to be so excited for your lift together...and then having a bomb put in your lap. I lived with an addict husband. started with lashing out...then black eyes.

One more thing I would like to say. If you choose to go ahead and marry him and if he starts drinking again...you cannot ask WHY is he doing this to me. He is doing this to him and you choose to be part of it. On the otherhand, if he attends meetings and gets a sponsor you will have to know his meetings have to be part of his life and sobriety takes the front seat. You do not.
I am more concerned on why he waited until two months before the wedding to tell you. Was he scared you would leave? Does he have a sponsor who told him to come clean to you?
Concealing such a tremendous part of him....and lashing out is not a gret foundation to build a life on. You have two months to decide. Please go to some alanon meetings so you can hear first hand others who have and are in your shoes. Also a couple of pre marriage counseling sessions should be a must. If he refuses to go with you....then I would say you have your answer.

I wish you all the best...I'm sorry you have to go thru this. We all wish we were the only one...because the life of addiction suchs. Its lonely and difficult.

Keri, please do not marry this man right now. Please take some time. I was married to an alcoholic for 4 years, it was heartache after heartache. How long has he been in AA? Does he still drink? Go to some Alanon meetings and get yourself educated. Best wishes and really take some time to think about this coming from a gal who has been there!!

DO NOT MARRY HIM. I saw my mom repeat this mistake time after time, it will be hell on earth.

I married my husband who I believed to be a "former alcoholic" in May of last year. I knew he had been a severe alcoholic about 8 years ago and nearly died of pancreatitis, but he had since given his life to the Lord. He had told me he only drank on special occasions, and I only ever saw him drink a small amount once prior to our marriage. I didn't know at the time that alcoholism causes permanent changes in the brain. People can abstain, but will never be truly cured. In the first 8 months of our marriage my husband drank maybe half a dozen times, sometimes to the point of vomiting and severe hangovers. He started working out of state for a few months with us only seeing each other on weekends, and he began drinking heavily.

He found a job at home but is continuing his drinking habit. He doesn't drink every day, but most days of the week he drinks between 4 and as many as 10 servings. It breaks my heart to see him risk his life and spending time and money doing something God clearly calls sinful (getting drunk). He becomes extremely defensive and angry when I say anything about his drinking and makes comments about leaving. He has even driven with me in the vehicle and refused to let me drive before.

We now have a baby on the way, so of course his drinking bothers me even more now. He has promised me he would stop, but it never lasts long. After we were married I became certified as a DUI Alcohol and Drug Risk Reduction instructor, so I know every single statistic about the risks of high risk drinking. Our baby is 4 times more likely to develop alcoholism or drug addiction because of my husband's history.

I love my husband with all my heart and as long as he never becomes abusive towards me or our child, I will never leave him. If I had known he would return to alcohol, I never would have dated much less married him. But I fell in love with him and made vows before God to love him for better or worse and through sickness and health. I was raised very sheltered and had never even been around anyone who was an alcoholic. I joined this group because I have no one to talk to about it. I'm too ashamed for family or friends to know. Even being a DUI instructor did not prepare me for being married to an alcoholic. I don't know what God's plans are for our future, but I'll continue to trust in Him to give me strength through the hard times.

Teachermom33 have you involved your pastor or elders in this? I think you need to. Do not be ashamed, this is NOT YOUR FAULT!! He needs help. Churches have overcomer meetings. Please do this for your unborn baby. Yes alcoholism is hereditary. If you love him, love yourself and your unborn child. You say he will not let you drive when he has been drinking? HE could kill you or your baby!!! YES its that serious!! That is abuse right there!!! Im sorry if this sounds rough, but I am only thinking of you and your baby. Please get someone you trust involved for your sake and your childs! H

I agree that you should not get married now. The person you fell in love with was a man who was using alcohol to feel normal. Now he quit drinking and he has become a different person. He may go back to drinking and seem to be more like the man you love, but then you will live with an active alcoholic that will get progressively worse. Now that he has quit drinking, he is being verbally abusive to you. That could be from the difficulty he's having with not drinking, or it could be that it's the way he actually is when he's not drinking. You don't know what you are getting yourself into, so you should wait and find out.

I agree that he hid this from you and you agreed to marry him under false pretenses. You are under no obligation to stick with your obligation to marry him in these circumstances. He also is in no condition to make a real commitment to you if he's newly sober. Call off the wedding. Wait and get to know the "real" man that is not living under the influence of alcohol and has some sobriety under his belt. Take those vows with a man who is capable of making meaningful vows of his own, knowing exactly who it is that you are making a lifelong commitment to.

I think you should postpone the marriage. You are making one of the most important decisions of your life and you need to be sure this is the right thing. I'm ending my 25 yet marriage to an alcoholic. It only gets worse not better. Personally I would not have married him if I knew what marriage was going to be like. Go see a counsellor and be sure. It's better to back out than go thru with this.

He needs help not a marriage. Same goes for you. Life stress magnifies when you get married. People revert to their coping mechanisms. I'm in a marriage now I wish I would've postponed, but he lied to me about stuff, I thought he was kosher. Wrong! Find me on codependent group. It's really a problem that we think it'll all get better if we have control. Marriage isn't about control, But in these situations the power struggle can get abusive and nasty. Im in the middle of some stuff right now. He will resent you if you try to change him.

My ex has been dry for 30 years, he seemed
Okay for a long time. There were still issues then
Things and life changed he did not cope well and
Turned nasty and passive aggressive. He was always
A little controlling. We still had an alcoholic marriage
Regardless he was still unrecovered not working a
Program and i should have been in alanon back then
Too, I attend now.

My marriage kept going downhill, he eventually started
AA in 2011 then things got even worse. He was acting out
Blaming me for everything that went wrong in his life. He
Still was not emotionally sober never mind spiritually.

He started flirting with women on facebook, Then chasing
live and needy ones in AA. By the end of my marriage was toxic
And we were in divorce court. He is now very happy with his AA GF
And i have gone no contact and moved out of town after 30 years.
HUGS

If you didn't marry him yet, please don't. I know it's not easy to walk away from your plans but it will be so much less pain that what is likely in store for you and him if you get married. I'm five years into a marriage to an alcoholic and our marriage is a mess. He has had an affair 3 years ago, we separated for six months, and then got back together and now we have just recently had a miscarriage. My husband is not emotionally mature enough to handle these emotions or support me through the pain of a miscarriage because he has been numbing himself with alcohol all these years. If I could go back, I would never have gotten married to him. If I could go back five years and tell myself anything it would be this..."if he isn't exactly what you want now, he will never be." You can't change anyone, you don't have that kind of power nor should you. Focus on yourself, you are the only sure thing.