Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My sister has been 'clean' for two years. There have been slips and there has been a lot of stupid drama.
She has been begging to have my almost four year old spend the night at her house. Begging every. single. day. I laid out some conditions for her before I would even broach the subject with my other half.
1. It was to be JUST her. My daughter LOVES her boyfriend but my sister treats her boyfriend like he's a slave. She's rude to him, petty, she picks on him. Eventually he gets fed up and once or twice a month they have a big violent blow out. Therefore, she was not allowed to go when he was home from work.
2. I was allowed to talk to my sisters psychiatrist. This one may seem extensive, but this is my daughters safety we are talking about. So at one of her sessions I got to speak to him at the end and I asked what he thought of the whole idea and he was all for it.
3. It had to be on our time. We lead a very busy life and it's hard to clear time for something such as this.
So she met those all and I talked to my spouse. He was reasonably dubious, and I understood exactly. We were going to drop her off at 6pm on Saturday....'forget' to pack her toothbrush, so we were going to go back and drop it off unexpectedly at 8pm, and then we were going to pick our daughter up before noon.
I was nervous, but my sister does deserve a chance. Or so I thought.
So she messages me at about 4pm with some bullshit story. She had to go give a statement at the cop shop because one of her pals boyfriends tried to kill himself then accused my sister and the other girl of drugging him and yada yada yada. She says she will call when she is done.
I get a message at 730pm saying that she is done. But her friend is upset and she wants to know if it's okay if we bring Marlow and she can stay there with her friend and her. I said no, we didn't know this friend so we were not comfortable with it. She was fine with that and chose her friend instead. My daughter was in the tub so I had to relay the message that her aunt wasn't going to be spending the night with her.
My daughter took it like a pro. Her response? I'll take my bag and sleep at grandmas! So we called up grandma and my daughter asked to sleep over and my mum said yes.
We dropped her off and managed to make it to the movie we had originally planned to go to and such. But my sister phones before the movie, at 9pm, because she wants to explain to my daughter why she bailed. I told her that my daughter was with our mom.
My sister gets all upset. She claims I'm trying to make her feel bad. I told her the truth, when I told Marlow that her aunt was bailing on her she wasn't upset and asked to spend the night with her grandmother instead.
Now my sister WONT STOP HARASSING ME! We had a play date/ dinner date with a friend of mine and her family. My sister told me to drop Marlow off after the evening and she would keep her then get her home in time for dance class tomorrow. I have told her no flat out. I have tried to make excuses. I have told her it isn't going to happen for awhile now. She called/texted me twelve times in the four hours I was with my friend. I had to turn my phone off.
And she's mad that I won't work with her. We have a busy life! Marlow has ballet on Mondays, story time at the library on Tuesdays, soccer on Wednesdays, we go watch her dad play ball hockey in a league and cheer him on on Thursdays, Fridays are normally family night where we play games or watch a movie. Saturday is usually some free festival or program around the city. Plus there are a ton of family birthdays in the summer and birthday suppers are usually on the weekends. I had to seriously shuffle to get this Saturday clear for my sister.
And the fact that she bailed doesn't sit well with me...but it sit's worse with my other half. I need to get it into her skull that she blew it for now.
Maybe I'm being to tough on her? But it took a lot to make this night happen and she chose her pal and the bull shit drama she surrounds herself with over my daughter.
When does all this drama and screwed upness stop? I'm so over it all and I'm stressed out. My daughter has hit the most difficult phase to date and my older sister is basically stalking me. I don't need all this crap to make my daughter even more difficult at this time.
I'm so stressed out. I figured most of you would get it lol. A lot of my friends have never been in this recovery boat.....you know, the one that rocks just as much as the addiction canoe did?
She has been begging to have my almost four year old spend the night at her house. Begging every. single. day. I laid out some conditions for her before I would even broach the subject with my other half.
1. It was to be JUST her. My daughter LOVES her boyfriend but my sister treats her boyfriend like he's a slave. She's rude to him, petty, she picks on him. Eventually he gets fed up and once or twice a month they have a big violent blow out. Therefore, she was not allowed to go when he was home from work.
2. I was allowed to talk to my sisters psychiatrist. This one may seem extensive, but this is my daughters safety we are talking about. So at one of her sessions I got to speak to him at the end and I asked what he thought of the whole idea and he was all for it.
3. It had to be on our time. We lead a very busy life and it's hard to clear time for something such as this.
So she met those all and I talked to my spouse. He was reasonably dubious, and I understood exactly. We were going to drop her off at 6pm on Saturday....'forget' to pack her toothbrush, so we were going to go back and drop it off unexpectedly at 8pm, and then we were going to pick our daughter up before noon.
I was nervous, but my sister does deserve a chance. Or so I thought.
So she messages me at about 4pm with some bullshit story. She had to go give a statement at the cop shop because one of her pals boyfriends tried to kill himself then accused my sister and the other girl of drugging him and yada yada yada. She says she will call when she is done.
I get a message at 730pm saying that she is done. But her friend is upset and she wants to know if it's okay if we bring Marlow and she can stay there with her friend and her. I said no, we didn't know this friend so we were not comfortable with it. She was fine with that and chose her friend instead. My daughter was in the tub so I had to relay the message that her aunt wasn't going to be spending the night with her.
My daughter took it like a pro. Her response? I'll take my bag and sleep at grandmas! So we called up grandma and my daughter asked to sleep over and my mum said yes.
We dropped her off and managed to make it to the movie we had originally planned to go to and such. But my sister phones before the movie, at 9pm, because she wants to explain to my daughter why she bailed. I told her that my daughter was with our mom.
My sister gets all upset. She claims I'm trying to make her feel bad. I told her the truth, when I told Marlow that her aunt was bailing on her she wasn't upset and asked to spend the night with her grandmother instead.
Now my sister WONT STOP HARASSING ME! We had a play date/ dinner date with a friend of mine and her family. My sister told me to drop Marlow off after the evening and she would keep her then get her home in time for dance class tomorrow. I have told her no flat out. I have tried to make excuses. I have told her it isn't going to happen for awhile now. She called/texted me twelve times in the four hours I was with my friend. I had to turn my phone off.
And she's mad that I won't work with her. We have a busy life! Marlow has ballet on Mondays, story time at the library on Tuesdays, soccer on Wednesdays, we go watch her dad play ball hockey in a league and cheer him on on Thursdays, Fridays are normally family night where we play games or watch a movie. Saturday is usually some free festival or program around the city. Plus there are a ton of family birthdays in the summer and birthday suppers are usually on the weekends. I had to seriously shuffle to get this Saturday clear for my sister.
And the fact that she bailed doesn't sit well with me...but it sit's worse with my other half. I need to get it into her skull that she blew it for now.
Maybe I'm being to tough on her? But it took a lot to make this night happen and she chose her pal and the bull shit drama she surrounds herself with over my daughter.
When does all this drama and screwed upness stop? I'm so over it all and I'm stressed out. My daughter has hit the most difficult phase to date and my older sister is basically stalking me. I don't need all this crap to make my daughter even more difficult at this time.
I'm so stressed out. I figured most of you would get it lol. A lot of my friends have never been in this recovery boat.....you know, the one that rocks just as much as the addiction canoe did?
My son is exactly the same way. He can not accept the word "no" and will harass us until he gets his way. We're working on walking out of the house whenever this happens. This is really the behavior of a five year old who needs a time out. It's evidence of immaturity to the level that you can not trust your child to spend the night with her. Let your sister know that it's this harassment, as well as the drama and the boyfriend, etc., that is the reason and the only way you will consider it is after a period of drama-free adult behavior on her part.
I have a brother who is raising his 3 year old granddaughter. As much as I like being with her, I don't think that I'd ask if she could spend the night and I can't imagine begging. This sounds more like the behavior of this little girl's mother (the reason her grandparents are raising her). That type of immature behavior is why this young woman is only allowed supervised visits with her daughter.
If your sister wants to spend time with her niece, there are other ways of doing this without a sleepover. Let her take her to a playground or out for ice cream or for a trip to the zoo. If she's insisting on a sleepover instead of another way to spend time together, then it just seems like it's a power struggle with you instead of an aunt wanting to spend time with her niece. That turns your daughter into a pawn and it's not acceptable for her or for you.
You have every right to be concerned about leaving your daughter with your sister if she's still hanging out with shady characters and involving herself in drama. I thought you handled everything really well and had a great plan in place to check in. Have you thought about talking to your sister directly about why you are not so excited about letting your daughter sleepover? You have a ligitimate problem with your daughter's schedule needs as you mentioned but the root issue is your mistrust of your sister. If she doesn't get that maybe you could help her see it from your perspective.
Maybe your sister could come over to your house and you girls could have a sleepover together. That might offer a good compromise for now. Hang in there!
people only upset us as much as we let them.
You daughter sounds great...Ok, I will go sleep at grandmas....cool kid.
And yes, you sound completely stressed.
Maybe too much on the schedule? never mind a crazy sister?
make a list of priorities, and breathe!
You never have to justify your reasons to anybody,,, a simple no,, works even if you have to say it 100x,,, it's all about the approach
It's about the storm,, but the ability to dance in the rain
We do have the ability to keep stress on the "front porch "
My sisters friends are all 'recovering' addicts like she is. People she met through NA, sober living programs, and other mental health and clean programs. Some of them truly are good people...some of them are mentors. And then some of them are skeevy and horrible influences. She once told me she can't relate with people outside the program anymore. I have never met this other girl so I told her no.
Our schedule slows down right away. My daughters final dance recital is next Monday, then she is off until September. And I did invite my sister, but last time I invited her as well and she bailed. My spouse does not get along with my sister, so inviting her to one of his games isn't a good idea. Plus, and once again, this is terrible, I'm embarrassed of her. Of the way she acts, the things she does. I have to see these people weekly and I like to keep that part separate for now. And my daughter has two soccer games in the season left and I have invited her to every single game but she always says no or has an excuse.
As for being in my house. She isn't allowed in my home. There are a billion reasons but no matter what they are, it just doesn't happen.
I have never been good at confrontation. I have always preferred to use excuses, such as my schedule, to defer my sister. Over time I have grown a bit of a back bone though lol and I'm nervous about using it. And I will have to in a few weeks as our schedule will be completely empty. It's just for a month that all these things over lap. Usually it's just two things, for half hour each, a week.
On a sort of good note. My mum informed me today that my sister is going to be giving me the cold shoulder lol. So I should get a day or so reprieve from the begging.
My thoughts are with you.