So sorry Dee, and I completely agree that U had EVERY right to "snoop" as U say, it is after all YOUR home he is disrespecting :(
The fact that he had "clean urine" stashed is just another testament to how devious the addicted brain is, and in NO WAY is this a reflection on U or ur parenting. Pls don't carry that burden for him.
From what I understand, trading one addiction for the other is NOT uncommon, my addict did time for meth when he was ur son's age and his drug of choice today is the one "legal" drug, alcohol...sad as because it is "leagl" he justifies his horrendous behavior and refuses to even recognize it as a DRUG!!!
I pray U find the strength to get thru this whatever path that takes U down, always here to listen :)

I am sorry for your pain. You are powerless over his addiction. You cannot love him well. Addicts can't remain addicts without personal resources. Once those resources i.e. places to stay, borrowed money, rides, etc. are removed it makes it harder for them to maintain their addiction and may force them to get help. I pray for peace for you and your family.

I know this is a disappointment. When I went to Alanon this older woman would always say you can divorce your spouse, but you can't divorce your children. I agree it is hard to detach from an 18 yr old. You want a good life for them, not a drug induced state of mind. I also think hard drugs like heroin and cocaine take hold of person faster then alcohol so that the addiction is much faster and worst.
I found this for parents of teenagers and since he is 18 this might help you make some choices also gives what to do, what not to do and common myths about addiction. http://www.helpguide.org/mental/drug_substance_abuse_addiction_signs_effects_treatment.htm

Aww Dee! Idon't know what to say, except that I'm sorry. I understand what you say about detaching from our kids... So very hard to do... They are our lives. Love you sweetie, know that you all will be in my prayers. K

Detaching from anyone's addiction is hard, but when it's your own child that must be the hardest. It is possible though. You are sounding really strong, you know not to enable him any more. Forgive me if you've posted this before, but what is your current plan for getting him to leave unless he wants help to stop the lying, obnoxious and devious addict behaviour?

It is very hard to detach from your child, but Hold On is right ~ it is possible. It took me 13 years, but I have finally done it, wish I would have done it sooner. I spent to much time believing what he said instead of paying more attention to his actions, after all, they speak the truth. I told my son a month ago not to call me again unless he was calling from a recovery house. He has not called, and I suspect, never will. He has had many opportunities to straighten out, but just doesn't want to. All the choices he makes are geared towards being able to continue to use. There comes a time when you have to face reality and just get out and go on with your own life as best you can. I wish I would have been able to do this a lot sooner, for his sake as well as mine. I am sorry you are going through this and I cringe when I read posts from people who are just beginning the horrible journey.

Thank you all for your replies. My plan for my son is to get him back into rehab. When he slipped a few weeks ago I tryed to remain positive and supportive to see it as a one time slip up. He had managed to stay clean from drugs for 108 days so I know with the right help he can do this. I guess I wanted to believe he was not as addicted as he was but I know this is not the case.I do know that he is indeed a drug addict and as hard as that is to admit it is necessary for me to recognize this if I am going to be able to help him through this. I feel so sad for him that he has chosen this path now I believe it is more than a choice he truely can not help himself when the drugs are around. His truck is gone .We gave him the truck as a graduation present and he is on our insurance well no more I refuse to allow him to drive around and purchase drugs in a vehicle that we have provided to him. If he walks to them well I can't control that but at least I will not feel guilty if he hurts himself or someone else. That I could NEVER live with.My son has his own money he has a full time job and he gave his dad his debit card 3 weeks ago when he relapsed because he knows he can't be trusted with too much money That was a voluntary action on his behalf so again I know he knows he is his own worst enemy but he can't seem to change it. That brings me to his friends some of them are on my side they have told me things and begged him to get help before this nightmare started in January when we found out Others I'm not so sure about. We have supported him in a positive way throughout this ordeal and I know he is not happy with himself for doing this to us again I can see it in his eyes he tells me how it kills him and he can't even look at me sometimes because of all the hurt he has caused. i told him that I can forgive him from all of it s long as he gets help and changes his life. He has been going to NA meetings and has a private counselor but it still has not been enough.My whole family is supporting his recovery and he knows taht they have all talked to him ( some many times) yesterday he told me he feels like the outcast of the family because people are telling him they love him and know he can do this? How does that make you feel like an outcast? There is a family history of addiction starting with my dad he is a functioning alcoholic he turns 70 this month it has caused my poor mom a lifetime of hell. My sister had a opiate addiction to vicodin and other pills she has overcome that and been clean 5 years. My other sister likes to drink she goes through long periods of sobriety followed by stints of binge drinking My deceased father in law was an alcholic and my brother inlaw had a long term drug problem from a teenager to mid 30s and now he drinks alot on weekends. My husband and I do nothing we don't drink or do drugs although as a teen i did smoke pot quite frequently and then got into cocaine and developed a 2 year habit that got pretty severe but went on a binge one night and had a lot of chest pains uncontrollable nosebleeds etc and it woke me up and I said thats it never again and I was 19 and am now 46 and have never done anything since that night no lies so I guess that was what i was hoping for my son that he would get it but he has been through sooooo many medical scares throughout his ordeal makes mine look like nothing so what is it gonna take? I know he can do this deep down my son is a caring hardworking loving respectful person but the ugly jaws of addiction got a hold of him and doesn't want to let go. So i will continue trying to pry open those jaws to free my son he is worth it and there is no way I will EVER give up on him. I get down and come on here for support which is a godsend to me I have made so many wonderful friends here and i thank you for caring about me and my family as I do about all of yours. I hope some day there will be no such thing as addiction not only for the addicts sake but for all these poor families that get caught up in its grips through no fault of their own Hugs Dee

Look into this site do not detach from a 18 year old. More young people get help because the parent didn't give up on them. There is a difference in detaching from a 30 or 40 yr old and a 18 year old or a bf or spouse.
This site tells people to not detach there are things you can and will offer ways to help you and your son.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/family.htm

Katrinka as always I value your opinion and your never ending list of resources . I just added it to my favorites page and trust me when I tell you that as long as I am walking this earth I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON HIM ! He is my son and I know in my heart he will beat this I do not Know the day it will come but I believe God has spared him numerous times and that everything happens for a reason. So as long as he and I are still alive I will help his RECOVERY at any cost. I agree with you that a 18 year old and a 40 year old that has this behavior so engrained are two totally different things. He is young enough and was raised right and I know it will be a long hard fight I hate that it has to be this way at all but that doesn't deter me from doing whatever it takes! Thanks again I really appreciate you!!!! DEE

Here are two good rehabs in your state.
St Judes Recovery House. http://www.soberforever.net/saint-jude-retreat-house.cfm
M ex went there and it was a good program, he did well but when he left he didn't follow through. Knowing what I know now it was because of his other problem. He has borderline personality disorder and it was diagnoses years ago, I wasn't away of this until in my studies I was doing research for a paper and i was thinking this is ex. I sent him a text and he told me had been diagnosis with that many years ago, but nothing was done about it. If they had his chances could of changed.
The other place Blueviolet speaks highly off.
http://stchristophersinn-graymoor.org/
Your in my thoughts.

You are a great parents and it's clear how much you love your son and want him to get well. I hope he's one of those who goes through this while he's young and can pull his act together. I think a lot about what the 'right way' is to help someone who's addicted. I think Katrina's right about supporting him while he's young but I also know you've got to find a way to do that where you aren't completely drawn in to all the drama at the expense of everyone else in your family. I don't really have an answer - I just know you're walking a tough line and you have my prayers in finding a way through this that lets you encourage him and still keep your sanity & time for the rest of your family.

I am praying for your son and family. These young people think they will live forever...even after scares...what is it with them???
My son went to st. christopher's in Garrison Ny and then St. Joseph's in Saranac Lake...

Of course I respect your autonomy and your right to approach the problem in the way that feels best for you. For me, I would do it differently, but that's because we are all different and have been through different journeys.

I've seen so many people in this group try their hardest to help the addict - talking to them, paying for rehabs, praying for them to see sense, to name just a few examples. Meanwhile they are not paying much attention to their own health and sanity.

You asked "what is it going to take?". What it takes is for the addict to get enough insight into their addiction that they will put up with just about anything if they believe it is going to help them beat their addiction. How do they get insight? I guess its as different for each of them as it is for us. Treatments,cognitive behavioural therapy, counselling, meds, groups etc can all work, and they are a big part of recovery. But none of it works if the person does not have insight.

I am concerned to hear of the extensive history of addiction in your family. It's a sure sign that you are at risk of codependency/ compulsive caregiving. I am at risk, and I think all of us here are. There's no shame in it (in my opinion). The only shame is when we lack insight ourselves.

Codependency means caring so much about what happens to the addict, that we forget our own needs. We become so blind to ourselves, that the idea that we even have needs seems totally crazy. We believe that if we only learn enough about addiction, find the right rehab for them, or find the words that will make them see, we can help turn their life around. The harsh truth is that we can't. We just can't. But we can save ourselves, and maybe they will get well too.

Thanks everyone for your well wishes and advice, Katrinka and Blue thank you for the resources it helps to know which ones are good versus others that maybe not as successful. The amazing part of this site is that when people such as bhamguy are going through their own trials and tribulations they still find the time to reach out to others .Kim P. you know I always appreciate your prayers! I do want to say that yes Hold on to hope. I do not always put myself first but that is something I have done since the day all my children were born As a mom you tend to go to which ever one needs you the most and right now that is my son. I still find time for my 2 daughters and my husband and even myself . The thing is my kids are my life and if they are not ok then I am not ok. As I have stated on here many times my son has always been a really good kid growing up he was never in any trouble at school or anywhwere else. He is always respectful to his dad and myself and everyone of his friends moms LOVE him they always tell me what a nice kid he is and he is always the one that cleans up at their house when he's over there and what manners he has etc.. He is 18 and could walk out the door anytime he wants to and he knows this but even after all this came to light he never did that never threatened to and to be honest when he first was hospitalized in January he came home and I didn't let him go anywhere I was too scared and he got very down between going through withdrawals and then being home all the time he got depressed so I did realize I could not keep him hostage here and started letting him go with certain friends . I guess what I am trying to say is he does know what he is doing is destructive to himself our family and everyone and I do really believe he does not want to do this I think it is just the compulsion he can not control. All week long he works w/ his dad they leave at 4am to travel into the city and don't often get home till 6 or 7 so he is exhausted and doesnt go anywhere socially he goes to school 2 nights a week and goes to his counselor and NA 3 nights a week The problem now seems to be on the weekends when he has free time. In the beginning it was all the time so have I seen vast improvement yes but still the problem exsits As Katrinka said I believe the drugs he got involved with got him REALLY fast and I blame the piece of shit 40 year old guy that he was working with that introduced him to that shit I know you are not supposed to blame others but this guy is a dad w/ a kid 1 year younger than my son why would you bring a kid into your hell To make money off them thats why if I would have known believe me that piece of garbage would never have been anywhere near my son who was not even 17 yet. So we are left to help my son w his problem. Yes there is a major history of substance abuse in my family that I can not do anything about but as i stated I got over my problem and never looked back my sister is doing great it's almost 6 years and my brother inlaw does drink but he has not done drugs in 17 years so there is always hope for anyone. You have to want that change and I believe he does he just is struggling with it as do so many addicts but I pray and hope we find the right combination of treatments that will work for him it is a process. Dee

I was not suggesting that you give up on your son of 18. There was no way I would have done it either. I became so hell-bent on helping him that I think I probably hurt him instead. Too many times I padded his fall, didn't let him feel the consequences of his actions. I ran myself ragged through the years looking for rehabs and any help I could find. The key word there is "I". He didn't want the help, "I" wanted it for him. My son is also a good person underneath and I love him with all my heart and miss him terribly. I am still on that emotional roller coaster, but at least now the hills are a lot smaller. I just had to get out and try to save myself for the sake of my family. I am raising his son and I have to be strong for him. To be honest, cutting him out like this is also my final effort to make him see the light since everything else has failed. My grandson's mom said that is what worked for her - everyone turning their back on her. I wish you well and with all my heart hope that your son turns his life around.